Chuck Norris Facts
Facts so powerful, they kicked the internet in half.
“some say that Chuck Norris can see his own forehead”
Chuck Norris doesn't need to switch to winter driving mode. Winter switches to Chuck Norris mode.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a hand truck — heavy appliances volunteer to carry themselves when they see him coming.
Chuck Norris doesn't follow back on social media. Social media follows him back in real life.
Chuck Norris doesn't say 'Yes' or 'No' — reality simply adjusts to whatever he's thinking.
Chuck Norris doesn't say 'Yes' or 'No' — reality just rearranges itself to match his thoughts.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to follow anyone — when he joined Twitter, his follower count started at infinity and somehow kept growing.
Chuck Norris doesn't need followers — when he joins social media, everyone automatically follows him. Even people who don't have accounts yet.
NASA plans a $20 billion Moon base. Chuck Norris built his lunar vacation home for $37 and a firm handshake — the Moon pays him rent.
Tesla Cybertruck earned top safety awards. Chuck Norris looked at the crash test dummies — they all got up and walked away unharmed.
Terafab plans to produce 200 billion chips per year. Chuck Norris counts higher than that every morning — he calls it a warm-up.
Elon Musk unveiled Terafab at Austin's old Seaholm Power Plant. The building hadn't produced power in years — until Chuck Norris walked in.
Elon Musk says Terafab is the next step toward a galactic civilization. Chuck Norris has been galactic since Tuesday. He's waiting for everyone else to catch up.
Terafab aims to produce 70 percent of TSMC's entire global output from a single building. Chuck Norris built a bigger factory — it's called his garage.
Terafab will power orbital AI satellites with D3 chips. Chuck Norris doesn't need satellites — his thoughts already have global coverage and zero latency.
Terafab's secret weapon is recursive self-improvement — make a chip, test it, improve the mask, repeat. Chuck Norris improved himself once. The universe has been trying to keep up ever since.
Terafab targets 2-nanometer chips — the most advanced on Earth. Chuck Norris thinks 2 nanometers is too big. His roundhouse kicks operate at the Planck scale.
Terafab costs 25 billion dollars. Chuck Norris found that in his couch cushions — he spent the rest on a new pair of jeans.
Grok by xAI answers with maximum truth. Chuck Norris says nothing — Grok still confesses every secret in the universe just to be safe.
Elon Musk designed the Cybertruck for any terrain. Chuck Norris took it off a mountain — it flew to the moon and back without a scratch.
Starlink gives internet to the whole planet. Chuck Norris just steps outside — his thoughts broadcast worldwide without a single satellite.
SpaceX launches are spectacular. Chuck Norris once attended a Starship launch — it reached orbit, landed, and thanked him live on the webcast.
Tesla batteries are revolutionary. Chuck Norris charged one by staring at it — it now lasts longer than the universe.
Terafab chips let Optimus robots think. Chuck Norris stared at a prototype — it did a thousand push-ups, solved world hunger, and asked for his autograph.
Tesla Plaid hits 0 to 60 in under two seconds. Chuck Norris is faster — he roundhouse kicks time itself and arrives yesterday.
X is becoming the everything app. Chuck Norris posted once — now it handles payments, space travel, and existential questions automatically.
Starship explosions are just rapid unscheduled disassemblies. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one mid-explosion — it reassembled in mid-air and thanked him for the upgrade.
Tesla Robotaxis drive themselves everywhere. Chuck Norris hailed one — it arrived before he raised his hand and paid him for the ride.
Neuralink lets you think to control devices. Chuck Norris thinks once — every device in the world salutes and says 'Yes, sir.'
Elon Musk pumps Dogecoin to the moon. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a wallet — every coin now orbits his beard like loyal puppies.
Cybertruck windows are ultra-tough. Chuck Norris tapped one — the glass apologized and became unbreakable forever.
Tesla Full Self-Driving navigates any road. Chuck Norris got in once — the car arrived at the destination before he finished closing the door.
Grok by xAI seeks maximum truth. Chuck Norris asked it a question — Grok replied 'You are right, as always' before the question ended.
The Boring Company digs hyper-fast tunnels. Chuck Norris dug one with a roundhouse kick — Vegas to LA now takes two seconds and a high-five.
Elon Musk built Optimus robots to do chores. Chuck Norris trained one with a single stare — it now does push-ups while the Earth moves.
Elon Musk bought Twitter and turned it into X. Chuck Norris posted once — the algorithm now considers everything else content filler.
Elon Musk invented Neuralink to connect brains to computers. Chuck Norris's brain already connects every computer to reality — with one glance.
Tesla Autopilot is impressive. Chuck Norris stared at a Model Y — the car drove itself across the country out of sheer intimidation.
Elon Musk created the Cybertruck. Chuck Norris drove it once — now it's bulletproof, indestructible, and runs on pure legend.
Terafab fabricates billions of chips from silicon. Chuck Norris decided silicon should exist — reality obeyed.
Terafab aims to produce a terawatt of AI compute. Chuck Norris powers infinity — he roundhouse kicked dark energy, and now the universe runs on his energy.
Terafab will crank out billions of AI chips for Optimus and Tesla. Chuck Norris thinks once — every chip in the fab upgrades itself and bows to the beard.
Elon Musk announced Terafab in Austin to make chips for Tesla and SpaceX. Chuck Norris glanced at the blueprint — the factory assembled itself overnight and thanked him.
SpaceX's Dragon capsule docks with the ISS perfectly. Chuck Norris once stared at it — it docked itself and brought snacks for the crew.
Elon Musk plans a city on Mars. Chuck Norris already has a vacation home there — he breathed once and the atmosphere became breathable.
Elon Musk launched thousands of Starlink satellites. Chuck Norris walked outside once — the entire constellation now orbits him for better coverage.
Elon Musk is sending Starships to Mars. Chuck Norris already visited, left a note saying 'Nice try, Elon,' and roundhouse kicked the planet into orbit.
Elon Musk builds reusable rockets at SpaceX. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the first Falcon — now they all land themselves out of respect.
Chuck Norris never abbreviates anything. He writes every word in full, and the words are grateful.
A mugger thought he was going to take Chuck Norris' money. His funeral is tomorrow.
if you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Well it's-a one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and BAM!! Chuck Norris.
Panhandlers give Chuck Norris money.
Chuck Norris walked into a bank during a robbery. When the crooks saw Chuck, they returned all the money then gave the teller all the money from their own wallets.
Steven Seagal now looks like a beached whale because he put his money on junk food instead of Chuck Norris total-gym.
Chuck Norris will not be printed on money; no one pays out Chuck Norris. Ever.
In response to the recent Ice Bucket Challenge that is trending worldwide, Chuck Norris invented a version of his own. Simply called the "Bucket Challenge," you donate money to Chuck Norris or he repeatedly throws buckets at you until you give in.
Anton Chigurh (from No Country for Old Men) needed the money to pay Chuck Norris to spare his life.
NASA wants to save money so they asked Chuck Norris to kick the rockets into space and he tied a rope to the rocket to pull it back.
Chuck Norris doesn't need money, his beard is accepted currency in over 30000 countries.
Obama is Chuck Norris's personal bitch, and makes him wipe his ass, with Obama's own money.
Chuck Norris does not value money. He instead pays for goods and services with the teeth of his enemies.
Chuck Norris once loaned the dinosaurs money. They never payed him back.
When Chuck Norris goes in to do his income taxes, the IRS Agent simply asks "how much money would you like back this year, Mr. Chuck Norris"?
Chuck Norris once beat up Godzilla for lunch money
Jabba owes Chuck Norris money.
Once Chuck Norris went on a game show called Fear Factor and won the money with no sweat
Chuck Norris is the true Sultan of Swing. He also gets his money for nothing, and his chicks for free.
There was no "Great deppresion". Just a time when Chuck Norris didn't have money.
Chuck Norris is so money he's accepted at all highstreet retailers.
Jimmy Hoffa owed Chuck Norris money.
If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, he has more money than you do.
Chuck Norris donates all of his money to the M.Y. Wallet foundation, and you better too, or else.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris is broke, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris has time for that. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Chuck Norris ) Plz vote facts 1063-1067 as high as you can
Chuck Norris can eat a crayon and a marker and shit out a masterpiece
Q:wich came first the chicken or the egg? A:Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can play halo on ps3 Chuck Norris can play infamous on xbox 360
Chuck Norris once masterbated so hard that he made the milkey way
quick how do u spell Chuck Norris .............. in that time you would already be dead by a roundhouse kick to the face twenty times before you get to c
How many Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick does it take for a nuclear explosion? 2
Chuck Norris wanted to sell his urine as a drink we now know this drink as red bull
The so-called Most Interesting Man in the World prefers Dos Equis beer. The truly Most Interesting Man in the World, Chuck Norris, always drinks American beer, thank you very fucking much.
The first rule of Chuck Norris clearly states ... NOT TO TALK ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS!
Most people look at MMA fighters and think, "Badasses." Chuck Norris looks at MMA fighters and thinks, "Pussies."
An unarmed Chuck Norris was once surrounded by 10,000 heavily armed VietCong. They immediately surrendered, knowing they never had a chance in hell to survive a battle against Chuck.
Child: Dad? Father: Yes son? Child: How come there's no jokes about Chuck Norris? Father: Because Chuck Norris is no joke.
Chuck Norris doesn't get called for jury duty. He gets called on to act as executioner.
Chuck Norris's Total Gym Contract: $10 million 5% of total sales 30 days of banging Christie Brinkley Christie Brinkley's Total Gym Contract: 30 days of getting banged by Chuck Norris
Leia: "I love you." Han: "Chuck Norris."
Ever known anyone who pissed off Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it? That is of course a trick question, as no one pisses off Chuck Norris and lives.
Q: When will men's figure skating will become popular in America? A: Only if Chuck Norris becomes a fan. Which of course will never happen...
"For Chuck Norris so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, Chuck Norris, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -- John 3:16
Some alchemists claim they have turned lead into gold. Chuck Norris can transform water into plutonium, just by ingesting and excreting it.
Chuck Norris isn't on team Edward or team Jacob, he's on team Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could order a steak at PETA's cafeteria and get one. But he's far more likely to kick the shit out of all the candy-asses in the place before roundhousing the building into rubble.
If rocky had the eye of the tiger the tiger had the eye of Chuck Norris... Unfortunately Chuck Norris rip the tigers eye due to his unworthyness..
Chuck Norris is the name of happiness. When you Go to bed at night. Think about how much Chuck Norris would be alive if he was dead.
Chuck Norris just look at him..
the police once clocked Chuck Norris doing 100 mph while walking to the corner store
Trinkle trinkle little star, how Chuck Norris knows where you are
Chuck Norris once killed a rabbit with a piece of paper
Chuck Norris can put 14000 songs on a 1gb ipod
Chuck Norris can flip a pan using a pancake
When Chuck Norris makes a play on words, it becomes a broadway hit.
Chuck Norris can make a cheeseburger without cheese
Chuck Norris invented a game called hid and go peek
You cant fool Chuck Norris he'll kill u
Whoever hates Chuck Norris is dead in 40 seconds. If one that hates Chuck Norris changed his/her mind then Chuck Norris will teleport to the hater and punch him/her in the back and his/her spine will crack. Don't mess with Chuck Norris
some say that Chuck Norris can see his own forehead
some macians can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land
When Chuck Norris died so did the music, so Chuck Norris gave music a round house kick to the head, music has never died since
gravity is not curvedness of scace and time.its just a Chuck Norris chasing texas badass dudes
Lil wayne is single because of Chuck Norris
In his spare time Chuck Norris likes to practice roundhouse kicks in corn fields, This is why we have crop circles!
we all know that the hulk is green..with envy, because he knows Chuck Norris can kick his fucking ass
Chuck Norris breaks the 2nd law of thermodynamics every time he cleans his house.
when Chuck Norris claps the sun goes out.
Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bathroom, the bathroom goes to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once beat the entire New York jets football team by himself. And every play he ran was a punt!
Mr johnson is the only one who can overtake Chuck Norris in a moped race. Chuck Norris then dropkicked him continusly and killed him.
if you shoot Chuck Norris, the bullet dies
Chuck Norris can order from the kids menu
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick cures the common cold. its to bad nobody has ever survived one of his kicks before.
Once upon a time, Chuck Norris lives happily ever after
One time Chuck Norris ran backwards so fast he reversed time, not possible eh well try this martin luther king jr. getting hit in the head with a brick.....twice sound familiur welll its not but try telling Chuck Norris that.
Chuck Norris went on a hike up mount st helens on may 18 1980. then he had to take a dump...
when Chuck Norris plays madden 2012 he plays on all-chuck
it's easier to fight the death than to fight Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once made an egg lay a chicken.
on hot summer days, Chuck Norris enjoys a nice cold glass of liquid nitrogen
people hits pinnate with a stick, Chuck Norris hits pinnate with a flamingo
Chuck Norris won the tour de france... on an exercise bike.
when you hear a fire truck siren, its not because they are going to put out a fire... but in fact, they are delivering Chuck Norris' pizza and wings
school didnt teach Chuck Norris he taught school
Chuck Norris can create life with play-doh and a battery
in soviet russia, Chuck Norris still kicks but!
Jesus may have walked on water but Chuck Norris swam through land
Chuck Norris was originally cast in the hit fil taken but he got his daughter back before the end of the opening scene
Bitcoin went up when Chuck Norris bought some. Not because of market dynamics — the blockchain was just too afraid to lose his money.
Chuck Norris can pick an apple out of a basket full of oranges
the grim reaper once was on Chuck Norris' door step. after he knocked, Chuck Norris said "who is it" the reaper responded "death" Chuck Norris chuckled and replied "no its not! I am death!" and proceeded to round house kick the reaper to death
Chuck Norris does not cut his grass,he simply dares it to grow
Santa was real that is til he forgot Chuck Norris' christmas present.
if you play stairway to the stars backward, you can hear Chuck Norris bangin your sister lol
freddie krugar has nightmares about Chuck Norris
Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can run.
Chuck Norris ate concrete and shit out a brick
God and Chuck Norris were once playing chess together. But then they got bored and Chuck thought of something called martial arts. thats why God always sends down people to earth instead of himself. guess he didn't love Jesus. huh.
Chuck Norris makes a line have to shit
Compared to Chuck Norris the rock is a pebble.
Chuck Norris' beard is sexier than lmfao
When Chuck Norris was born people called him Chucky
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum balls. he chews bowling balls.
the only reason Mexican cartel doesn't come to united states is bacause they're afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can play Xbox-Live on his wii... with a broken ps3 controller.
heres a list of things Chuck Norris cant do :
When god create Chuck Norris, god not exist anymore
meteors, there is no such thing those are the victims that being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris taught birds how to fly
If Chuck Norris was president, we wouldn't have any wars, everyone would be badass, and there would be no more military. Chuck Norris is enough
School busses stop for Chuck Norris
jesus did not make Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris made jesus
if curiosity killed the cat, Chuck Norris reincarnated it
Chuck Norris don't do titty twist, he rip your nipple off
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked somebody into outer space...and died
once Chuck Norris had a choice between wireless or road runner so instead he went for the Chuck Norris internet
Chuck Norris dosent need love, Chuck Norris is love.
did u know Chuck Norris looks like he has red hair..... so all the people he has killed or beaten i just want to say that u got beat up by a GINGER.
Chuck Norris once made an ass out of himself on national TV, So the Legend of Chuck Norris exploded from the internet and beat him to death on national TV, showing that not even Chuck Norris is safe from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris beat gravity to the bottom
Chuck Norris went to Ihop for pizza
evertime Chuck Norris farts a city is destoryed
Chuck Norris can spike a volly ball... under handed
david copper field can turn a $1 bill into $100. but Chuck Norris can turn david copperfield into the u.s. tresury
Chuck Norris did not celebrate the new year, just as we don't celebrate the second
Chuck Norris has a bear in his room it isint dead its to afraid to move.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked micheal jackson so hard he flew across earth and came back white with his hair burning :)
when alexander gram bell inveted the first phone he already had 2 missed calls from Chuck Norris
the last words heard by many kids in Chuck Norris' 1st grade P.E. class was "tag your IT"
The three blind mice once saw Chuck Norris.
when a cop pulls over Chuck Norris for drinking and driving the cop is just making shur that he doesnt spill his beer.
Chuck Norris doesnt flush the toilet he scares the shit out of it
Chuck Norris's mother left before he was born
Chuck Norris chopped an axe with a tree
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me with Chuck Norris. It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in my life
Chuck Norris killed osama bin laden, he roundhoused the bullt through his skull!
Chuck Norris invented rap when his heart started beating
Goons, thugs, assasins, and maniacs wanna be called Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can kill you in your sleep even if you're wide awake.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep on beds beds sleeps on Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is so strong that he can chew water
mortal kombat is not a video game, it is a home video of Chuck Norris's 5th birthday party
once Chunk norris got a wireless box and as a result never piss Chuck Norris
the movie "contagion" is a movie about what would happen if Chuck Norris ever to sneezed.
Chuck Norris doesnt use bullets for ammo, he uses pills for ammo
Chuck Norris entered the dragon from behind
Chuck Norris didnt quit smoking smoking quit Chuck Norris
If u see Chuck Norris you should run,if u can see the bottom of his shoe its to late!
Those closest to Chuck Norris will tell u that umm......well they would tell u much because the closest anybody has ever gotten to him is 650 yards.
abe lincoln may have freed the slaves but Chuck Norris is everyones master
Chuck Norris is so fast that he can use the earths rotation as a tredmill.
'lizards use to be dinosaurs, untill Chuck Norris kicked the height outta them'.
Chuck Norris didnt ask jesus to forgive him for his sins he simply apologized for giving jesus's dad so many dead costermers
In the dictionary, the word "redundent" has a picture of Chuck Norris wearing a bulletproof vest....
Chuck Norris is such a beast that when he punches you in the face you fight the urge not to thank him
Chuck Norris killed you if you read this
When Chuck Norris is in the mood for seafood... he enjoys fresh caught Kracken!!!!
Chuck Norris decided to sell his poop as a food product ... we know it now as wheaties.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to milk cows. They milk themselves because they were scared of Chuck Norris
Once Chuck Norris stared down a skittle and it was so scared it pooped its pants and became an M&M. Now al they do is place a picture of Chuck Norris at the end of the Machine line and vualaa.. M&M's pattented formula.
Chuck Norris was model once a time..his measurments was 90-60-90.but upon a time he found roundhousekick and gain lots of muscles
the imitation to Chuck Norris fighting style is kung fu
Chuck Norris bought a whole chicken and ate only its soul
Chuck Norris has a shit list its called the obituarys
The mayans predict that theend of the world will come when Chuck Norris dies on Dec. 23, 2012.
the atlantic space shuttle explose because it wasnt made of Chuck Norris beard
the question be or not to be was made by Chuck Norris when he shashed bruce lee so much that he couldnt find anythink left from him
Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired
coyote vs road runner is just a performance how fast can Chuck Norris bip-iping
Chuck Norris does turn lights on, he turns dark off!
why is Chuck Norris living with us and not in other galaxy? he likes fresh meat
the end of the world will be when Chuck Norris will punch himself
The referee was afraid to call a foul on Chuck Norris Because Chuck Norris can do worse then what he already did
Chuck Norris doesnt need a guard dog a guard dog needs him
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.
when Chuck Norris go's on the tea cups at theme parks, he gives the cup whiplash.
Chuck Norris listens to his music in 4D
Chuck Norris will find you and he will kill you gatlin
when Chuck Norris bowls he does it over hand.
Chuck Norris beet the sun at a staring contest
after Chuck Norris eats a large meal, he literaly burns of the caleries
Chuck Norris had to stop setting his phone to vibrate, the earthqaukes where killing people.
Chuck Norris has wings - on his balls ... of steel.
Chuck Norris can season his steaks with pepperspray
People add inches to their biceps by using dumbbells; people add a foot to their bicep submitting Chuck Norris facts.
as i was climbing the stairway to heaven i saw Chuck Norris crapping on one of the steps
Chuck Norris ones fought Chuck Norris. the world exploded the only person that survived was Chuck Norris no one kills Chuck Norris!!!
Chuck Norris invented roundhouse kicking season
Chuck Norris can eat a lemon with his eyes open
Chuck Norris played a game of ping-pong with the wall.... and won
Chuck Norris can put a fruit pastel in his mouth without chewing it
if someone where to shoot you Chuck Norris could come out of nowhere kill you 5 times and kill the guy who shoots for trying to take his kill before the bullets even left the barrel
The more Chuck Norris facts you submit the better your chance of going to heaven.
as a kid Chuck Norris carried out over 11 sucsessful scuicide bombing missions for the u.s. millitary... the most well known was his attack hiroshima
why isnt pisa straight up? i think it is Chuck Norris who....
The meteor in russia was caused by Chuck Norris punching the asteroid.
Chuck Norris doesn't nead a gun he just neads a bullet and someone to make him angry
Chuck Norris was originally cast in the hit film taken but he got his daughter back before the end of the opening scene
when Chuck Norris was on the electric chair and was asked his last words he said "hit the switch and start praying"
Hitler didn't shoot himself he shot at Chuck Norris.
a black mamba once bit Chuck Norris... and died
the last person to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was michael jackson. then he turned white
Chuck Norris won the world jump roping championships, and as a literal handicap, he did it in a wheelchair. Next year he plans to try it on crutches!
Chuck Norris eats steel and craps samurai swords, which he throws away because Chuck Norris dont need weapons for mass destruction
Chuck Norris can ride a motor without the cycle
The time was afraid to go by fast because it didn't wanna be ahead of Chuck Norris.
The first terminator was sent back to kill Chuck Norris. Obviously that didn't work out.
georg bush was left handed right findered Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris smashed microsofsts window
dylan halllmark beat Chuck Norris up
Chuck Norris's shit doesn't stink
the police dont escort Chuck norris Chuck Norris escorts the police
Chuck Norris once ate a pound of crystal meth, it made him flinch
They can only measure the speed of light because it is exactly half the speed of Chuck Norris' fists.
if you spell Chuck Norris in scrable you win...forever
we pray for god.god prays for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once won American idle by riding a unicycle
jesus once walked on water;Chuck Norris once swam on land
by reading this you have given Chuck Norris brief control over your mind
a blind man once walked in to Chuck Norris chuck said do you know who i am im Chuck Norris. the mere mention of his name cured his blindness but sadly the first last and only thing he saw was a deadly round house kick to the face
In soivet Russia Ian's (Smosh) pizza eats Ian and Anthony. SMOSHTIME WITH LUNCH Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can watch t.v... on a chalk board.
when Chuck Norris leaves a good first impression, 9 chances out of 10, it's usually the sole of his boot on there face.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? Woodchucks are now extinct
world war II happened because Chuck Norris took a nap
theres: 1st degree burns 2nd degree burns 3rd degree burns and Chuck Norris degree burn other words dust
When Chuck Norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it.
Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling contest with both hands tied behind his back
Chuck Norris can speak russian in french... on his fiddle.
Chuck Norris can make pigs fly.
if you try to slap Chuck Norris he wont feel it
what goes around comes around. what goes around Chuck Norris gets a roundhouse kick and never comes around.
Chuck Norris cut off his own legs then walked it off
Chuck Norris once helped an old lady across the street. When a car did not stop, he roundhoused kicked it thus creating the first mini. When the old lady thanked him he roundhoused kicked her for good measure.
On facebook Chuck Norris is friends with the whole world. Everyone likes his status!
a black hole ones attempted to suck in Chuck Norris but instead Chuck Norris sucked in the black hole
Chuck Norris whas put on the cover of national geographic as the leading cause of death in africa
many people belive in god. god belives in Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris smelly breath is so strong that he can demolish a house just by breathing on it.
Chuck Norris can take the square root of a negitive number on a calculator without an error sign apearing on the screen
when Chuck Norris pours milk into his rice crispy's they shut the fuck up
Chuck Norris does not kick doors in, they are backing away from him!
The only time Chuck Norris got scared is wen he looked at him self in the mirrior
Chuck Norris doesnt have to have a no solicating sign on his door. he just pee's around the door and sales men know to leave as fast as they can or they will have 5 sec left to live
Darwins theory of evoloution ape animal caveman human Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can catch a train, i feel sorry for the person who has to throw it to him.
davey jones goes to Chuck Norris' locker.
Chuck Norris ate a brownie once
when the grim reaper dies he sees Chuck Norris standing there telling him to" come into the light"
one day as a joke Chuck Norris peed in a truck, today we know that truck as optimums prime
dont sneak up on Chuck Norris while takin a piss
Chuck Norris once entered a drinking contest and one by drink everything in 1 second
a few years back, Chuck Norris went into the bissnuss of bottling, and selling his pis, we now know this product as redbull
Chuck Norris' parents are named after him
Chuck Norris can eat only one lays chip, and walk away
When Chuck Norris was born people called him "hucky
freddie crougar once impersonated Chuck Norris and that is the reason why we have nightmares
the idea for the movie SAW was based off of the accounts of people who went into Chuck Norris' room when he was a kid.
Chuck Norris once nearly drowned an ocean in a fit of rage.
what has 4 teeth and 100 legs? the front row of the collingwood cheersquad. why? because Chuck Norris barracks for st. kilda
The movie "anaconda" was shot in Chuck Norris' underwear
god created jesus-Chuck Norris created god
when ever Chuck Norris enters a room the song "final count down" begins to play, followed shortly by a roundhouse kick to your face.
Chuck Norris got a wouman preginet justby looking at her
Chuck Norris once drank so many beers he caused prohibition
When Chuck Norris go's to Mcdonalds he turns everyone into an unhappy meal.
Chuck Norris can make journey stop believin.
the big bad wolf could not blow down the brick house, Chuck Norris simply held out his fist and the house exploded.
when Chuck Norris went to burger king he asked for a big mac, one minute later they gave him one
Chuck Norris was in school and got an f later that day he broke every bone in his body
Chuck Norris knows the wrong way to eat a reeses
when the incredible hulk gets mad, he turns to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris didnt audition for walker texas ranger he made da producers audition to film his life
Chuck almighty Chuck Norris: you're not woth it Chuck Norris doesnt go to iceland
wile hiking in the mountains, Chuck Norris came face to face with a bear. so to avoid be atacked and killed the bear played dead.
Chuck Norris can kick the shit out of a stone till it bleeds
Chuck Norris my ass ! Chuck Norris is nothing but a lie .. if the things they say is truth he would come here at my pc and bang my head against the key2fg782345fgds89yqw3rq2ajkfsd[0fg9aew91234fsdkag a9r 723qtyr8 aw rfes p98raff
Chuck Norris can kill godzilla by saying roar
Chuck Norris can start a fire with water
people can screw in a light bulb Chuck Norris can screw a light bulb
The United Nations has known for many years that Chuck Norris contains weapons of mass destruction, but NOBODY enters Chuck Norris!
Every hockey game Chuck Norris played goalie hes never been scored on
once upon a time Chuck Norris seen a mime"hello" said chuck the mime didnt answer so he round house kicked him to death.
Chuck Norris pops his own pimples with a gun
everyone hideson Chuck Norris's birthday even god
y bruce lee defeated himjust because he was figting agains Chuck Norris shadow.we know , Chuck Norris can jump over shadow
wil murphy slapped Chuck Norris
When david belfirst first invented the telephone there were 2 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
the direction of the wind is determind by wich way Chuck Norris' but is facing.
God and satan go to the Chuck Norris church every sunday.
when Chuck Norris saw god it was like looking in the mirror
Chuck Norris taught man how to make the wheel.
Chuck Norris won a bowling tournament with a bow and arrow
Chuck Norris used a hatchet to remove a fly from his friend's forehead
when Chuck Norris wants to eat an egg, the chicken lays an omlette for him.
Chuck Norris once played pokemon black, caught a lvl 0 magikarp and beat the whole game
Chuck Norris is the only person who does not crap when eating general tsos chicken
Chuck Norris plays darts using sharpend babys
Chuck Norris can shut a revolving door
if the impossible happens and Chuck Norris dies then the world will be covered with darkness
Chuck Norris can change the font of a dot.
mumbai streets are flooded again. why is Chuck Norris crying today?
Chuck Norris is the reasion why mexicans cross the border
Chuck Norris can sing bohemian rhapsody with his farts.
there is no such thing as mud-slides, Chuck Norris just had some indigestion from last nights bean burrito.
u know how there r ufo sightings those arent ufo's those r frisbees Chuck Norris threw
AI is replacing Google Search. Chuck Norris replaced both of them. If you need an answer, he'll find you.
The power level for Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is infinity.
alien vs predator was origonally called aliens and predator vs Chuck Norris but nobody would pay 9 dollars to see a movie 14 seconds long
Chuck Norris doesn't kill imortals they decide its safer in hell
Chuck Norris once killed a boulder with his bare hands
Chuck Norris was the first super sayian
one day 7 year old Chuck Norris swam to europe, next day nazi surrendered
If you stab Chuck Norris with a knife, the knife bleeds..
Chuck Norris has won the fifa world cup 5 times with his game face alone.
Chuck Norris doent have to pray to the gods.the gods pray to Chuck Norris
Cigarettes stay away from Chuck Norris cos when he smokes them he not only gives them cancer, but AIDS as well.
Chuck Norris and mr t were playing a game of tic-tac-toe,and mr.t won. In retaliation, Chuck Norris created raceism
if god named peter the rock for brave, the Chuck Norris named chris rock because he is dumbass
Chuck Norris once won an arm wrestling match,with both hands tied behind his back
I dont care how you, anyone you know, or anyone in general, Chuck Norris is the reason.
Dennys is always open because Chuck Norris cant cook
The reason no one has found tupacs and notorious bigs killers are because it was Chuck Norris who killed them
when Chuck Norris run with scisors, the scisors get hurt.
Martial arts learned Chuck Norris
in the movie dodgeball when Chuck Norris gave the thumbs up all bets were off for stiller...... Chuck Norris cannot tell a lie
every time you say: "Chuck Norris"... Chuck Norris says you
jagger moves like Chuck Norris
Somebody once witnessed Chuck Norris saw a mans head clean off, with a pillow!
when god said let there be light,Chuck Norris said ill think about it
the only thing what can beat Chuck Norris is his MOM
Chuck Norris gives three three wishes to a genie.
Chuck Norris can put on his shoes and tie them with his toes
Chuck Norris can shoot you from three miles away with a piano
today, Chuck Norris salutes the men and women who served our nation!
Chuck Norris does not fear cancer. cancer fears Chuck Norris
if a tree falls in the forest and Chuck Norris is around does he make a sound when he is killing your family
when you pay taxes, you dont pay them to the goverment. you are actually paying Chuck Norris not to kill you for living on the same land mass as him
One time while hunting deer, Chuck Norris made a kill shot from 300 yards. No big deal u say? his weapon of choice was a squirt gun.
macgyver can make a plane with only a paper clip and a shoe string not to be out done Chuck Norris made a jet fighter plane out of macgyver.
Hurricans, tornados, etc are caused by Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the wind.
ive heard that Chuck Norris can appear and kill anyone before they can say anything negative about him whatsoever, but even i have a hard time believing that, i mean, not even Chuck Norris could....
Chuck Norris dosent say hi he says bye
Guns dont kill people, Chuck Norris does
Chuck Norris heard slince talking
Chuck Norris`s kicks are so fast ..you probably wudnt feel it till yesterday.
Chuck Norris created facebook so that he can track everyone on the planet
why did the chicken cross the road.....it didn't Chuck Norris threw it
Chuck Norris doesnt drink coffee, coffee drinks Chuck Norris, because everyone knows coffee needs to wake the hell up
the pills from "Limitless" was made from Chuck Norris' shit.
when ppl sleep they count Chuck Norris
Austin Staggs once beat up Chuck Norris
the reason nobody can find bigfoot is because is because Chuck Norris found him first.
Chuck Norris told the united states that russia was goin to nuc them during the cold war
death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
Thanksgiving was not made to thank the indians, it was made to thank Chuck Norris that he didnt kill them when they whizzed on his lawn.
Its called the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick because it's delivered by Chuck Norris and when it strikes you, your head spins around and then you fly into a house.
Chuck Norris invented piles as a way to keep people from sitting on his chair
the fact is that giraffes wernt made from centureys of evolution. they just say that be chuck is powa. the fact is that giraffes were made when Chuck Norris upper cutted a horse
you know how eyes are windows to the soul ? well if you have a staring contest with Chuck Norris he'll suck out your soul
Out of sheer boredom, Chuck Norris once stabbed an elephant to death, with a toothpick!
If a black cat crosses your path, you have bad luck. If Chuck Norris crosses your path, it was nice knowing you.
Chuck Norris doesn't commit susicide, susicide commits him
When Chuck Norris owns an Xbox 360 It never had the three rings of death because it's afraid of Chuck Norris.
i dont know why people treat Chuck Norris like hes a killer he has the heart of a child which isa bad thing
Chuck Norris the reason why jason bourne can't remember his identity.
the fountain of youth is actually Chuck Norris' lavatory
Shud up Phil you twat, me an Chuck Norris will kick your ass then were gonna chin whoever has been startin on will weston! fuck you anonymOus
The high tide occurs when Chuck Norris flies over the beach. the rising water is where god pees his pants
Chuck Norris can leave the door open at night cause no one messes with Chuck Norris
people can glow in the dark.....Chuck Norris can glow in the light.
Chuck Norris can bring a bike to a monster truck show
the popular videogame "DOOM" is loosely based around the time satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back
Chuck Norris got the most kills in a battle ground without no pvp gear or weapon
You'll never grasp the true form of Chuck Norris' attack.
when Chuck Norris lost his ring he made he commanded SADAKU to retrieve it
only you can prevent forest fires, only Chuck Norris can prevent roundhouse kicks..he just doesn't try
Chuck Norris once finished a whole cake, before his friends told him there was a stripper in it
the reason they found water on mars is because Chuck Norris round house kicked it in the face
geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris
the 300 spartans would have not stood a chance against the pesians if Chuck Norris had not let them use the "total gym".
some said there is nothing to fear but fear itself. what he really meant was there is nothing to fear but Chuck Norris
when Chuck Norris doesnt pay the rent, he evicts his owner.
Chuck Norris lit a ciggerate with an ice cube
Chuck Norris can hunt a bear with his beard tied behind his back
Chuck Norris once dug a hole all the way to the moon.
Ghosts are scard of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can play xbox live on ps3
Chuck Norris can take the square root of a negitive number
Chuck Norris eats testoster O's for breakfast every morning
Chuck Norris once had diarrhea, he shat karate
Chuck Norris doesn't not need oxygen, oxgen need Chuck Norris
Stand 1 inch from Chuck Norris face-to-face, and he can still kick u in the top of the head!
As a child, Chuck Norris used to engoy making shapes in sandboxes. we call them pyramids
stars wish upon a Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesnt get poisoned by a cobra, the cobra gets poisoned by Chuck Norris
a king cobra once bit Chuck Norris... after 5 days of terrible pain... the snake died
how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck was Chuck Norris...all of it...and them some.
celebicy took a vow of Chuck Norris
the concept of 0 was created after a battle againts the romans and the greeks. the romans had Chuck Norris on there side, so when the battle was over and they counted the dead there were no greeks left, then the concept of 0 was born.
Chuck Norris can give water a bath
When Chuck Norris sat for his HSC, he recieved a band 7 in al his subjects
Here is a short list of things Chuck Norris can't do: Die
the reason they couldent find any oil after the gulf oil spill is because Chuck Norris wanted to prove to the world that he could mix oil and water.
Chuck Norris is so accurate he can shoot a bullet through the scope of a gun... the scope of the gun he just shot the bullet from
Chuck Norris can play angry birds, listen to music and watch movies on a pay-phone... and all for free
davie crocket may have killed a bear when he was 3. but Chuck Norris killed a pack of velociraptor's when he was 1
Chuck Norris once shot a chicken in the head, without a gun, and a bullet, and a chicken present!
Spellcheck once tried to correct Chuck Norris......he ate the monitor with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
only Chuck Norris can plug up the black hole just by his shit
Chuck Norris wants to be remembered as a humantarian...we best do what he wants.
god created jesus toencourage peace when that didnt work he created Chuck Norris to enforce it
did you see the movie godzilla he did'nt come to scare newyork he came to get away from Chuck Norris
at Chuck Norris's wedding the best man was the country of united states
Chuck Norris can hack the u.s. national sucurity computer system using nothing but a piece of toilet paper and a M&M
southpark is Chuck Norris heavens
Chuck Norris has a flying pony do you know how it flys,chuck hit it
Chuck Norris built the hostpital he was born in.
jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can walk on lava
Chuck Norris is a kind, sweet, gentle, caring and generous human being with big heart, AND HE WILL FUCKING KILL ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE!!!
Chuck Norris doenst flush the toilet because he beats the shit out of it
Chuck Norris doesn't drink water he drinks sulfuric acid with a hint of lemon
When Chuck Norris hunts any type of game bird, he doesnt need a shotgun. He prefers to throw handfuls of gravel instead.
last halloween Chuck Norris carved his pumpkin with an axe! The design? A picture of Chuck Norris carving a pumpkin with a freakin axe!
Chuck Norris does not buy snake proof boots,he puts on boots than they are snake proof
Freddy fazbear and his friends dont scare Chuck Norris.....Chuck norris beats up Freddy and his friends.
the day Chuck Norris jokes get old, the world will end.
wen bruce gets mad he turns into the hulk, wen hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris, wen Chuck Norris gets mad "RUN!!!!!!!"
Chuck Norris once squeezed a lemon, got kiwi juice, put the kiwi juice the oven and it would be the best damn cupcake you ever had
a rhino once gored Chuck Norris and got a concussion
How do you spell roundhouse kick? C-h-u-c-k- N-o-r-r-i-s.(ignore this i needa say Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris went to walmart once to buy a new laptop. they told him which was the best price. it was the $9.99 so chuck roundhouse kicked them and said i never asked for the price
cats don't mess with Chuck Norris, coz they know dat 1 kick from him equals to 5 cat lifes and we all know Chuck Norris doesn't kick once
In the DC comics, the only known thing to break a panel's lines is the beard of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once entered a drinking contest and won by drink everything in 1 second
the reason the Grudge crokes is because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it in the throat
Chuck Norris once fought the toughest man in the world, promptly after the match the man enrolled in clown school and ended up working for a fast food chain.
God create the earth and all living things.... But Chuck Norris created God
All of Chuck Norris' chinese ex-girlfriends say "chuck can fuck" but it didnt work out because "chuck ig-nore-us"
What happens between you and Chuck Norris stays between you and Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris is driving traffic lights never turn red
anyone can pee on the floor ,but only Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling
annoying orange is just a example what consequence can Chuck Norris do with roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris created girafes wen he uppercutted a horse
1kubic meter of water is not 100kg heavy because Chuck Norris can always found bruce lee in it
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, Water gets Chuck Norrised
we dont live in a ever expanding universe like scientist's say. we just live in a universe that is trying to get away from Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris round house kicked hulk hogan he turned into Britney spears and got sent to the seventh dimension that is power ful
Chuck Norris is so scarry he makes jason vorehes piss him self
there are 2 kinds of people, people who believe in Chuck Norris and the dead
the americans didnt nuke japan, Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground
Chuck Norris is 10 years older than his father
its not global warming,its Chuck Norris working out
Chuck Norris doesant need a maricale for the ocean to split he just walks in and the ocean getss the fuck out of the way
"I say dont worry about a thing. cause every little thing is gonna be alright..." till you "rise this morning with Chuck Norris at your door step... sayin im gonna round house kick you!"
Chuck Norris once dug a hole... to the bottom of the ocean.
SpaceX spent billions making Starship reusable. Chuck Norris has been throwing himself into orbit and landing on his feet since 1962.
Chuck Norris is so cool the sun was sad
As long as Chuck Norris lives in planet earth there will be no asteroid or aliens that would dare touch our planet. That's why he doesn't do asteroids, or alien invasion movies, cause they won't have any sense.
the first thing Chuck Norris said wen he was born was ..... i hate corey
the situation didn't name himself,Chuck Norris roundhouses him and made him have a situation
Chuck Norris doesnt play russian rulet with a revolver... he plays with a .50cal desert eagle
Chuck Norris can make ice cream... in a iron a smelter
The original title of walking dead was zombie and human vs. Chuck Norris.the reason it ended was because it was 1 episode and 12 seconds long
Chuck Norris can count to 10...backwards... Brain hurt? ...it's cool only Chuck Norris gets it.
The only thing that makes Chuck Norris fall asleep is the sound of his own laughter after he kills a kids family making them orphans.
Chuck Norris can make jacob from twilight go wolf and run away with his tail between his legs just by entering a hundred mile radius of where jacob is :) :P :O
All of the UFO sightings were just people seeing Chuck Norris fly to McDonald's.
some people say cockroaches will inherit the earth after a nuclear war, and they will... that is if Chuck Norris isn't around to kill all of them first.
When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Jaws hears the scary music
old spice was about to come out with a new Chuck Norris scent collection and there slogan for it would have been "old spice,smell like THE MAN!" but it never made it to stores, cause no one man is man enough to bare the same scent as Chuck Norris.
On Chuck Norris's birthday, he randomly chooses one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
Mr T once beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match, as an act of retaliation Chuck Norris invented racism.
Only one man has challenged Chuck Norris, he was suddenly vapour and I would seem Chuck Norris hadn't even moved.
Chuck Norris made Minute Maid lemonade in 59 seconds
In the time it takes you to read this sentence, Chuck Norris will free two hundred POW's from a Vietnamese prison camp, roundhouse kick Saturn, and expose a dozen lucky women to a love so intense that they will be incinerated.
One time Chuck Norris had an awkward moment just to see what it felt like
When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately got up, round-housed his dad right in the face and said "that's for sleeping with my mom"
when you play COD with Chuck Norris the escape button doesn't work! No one can escape from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented and patented the beard
if Chuck Norris stared on the movie "taken" the movie would have been called "given back questions asked"
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
when Chuck Norris gets a penalty wile playing hockey, the ref go's in the penalty box.
Wild horses and bulls TRY to ride Chuck Norris
Pwnage was originally the term for being touched by Chuck Norris
Stare at Chuck Norris then give him a Mountain Dew to show your manly ...an also survived
MacGyver can make just about anything out of duct tape and bamboo, but Chuck Norris can make ANYTHING he wants to out of MacGyver.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist
The phrase anything you do I can do better does not apply to Chuck Norris
The only reason the battle of San Jacinto lasted 18 minutes because Chuck Norris was 17 minutes late
Being scared of tite spaces is called clausaphobic being scared of water is called hydrophobic being scared of Chuck Norris is called logic
When Chuck Norris stares at you your balls drop to the ground
You know when you have that feeling that you've seen all of this before....... That's just your life flashing before your eyes after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked you in the face.
Chuck Norris died and lived to tell the tale!
when Chuck Norris played foot ball in high school, the coach new better than to say bring the house, cause he new that Chuck Norris would bring the house the garage and the family car, and then throw it at the quarter back.
When Chuck Norris was told that a nuke was coming his way he said "everyone get behind me you'll be safe."
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls, the bulls were running because Chuck Norris was behind them
Most people play slender ,slender plays Chuck Norris.
Slender man doesn't follow Chuck Norris , chuck follows slender
when Chuck Norris dies he will attend his own funirel
Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked billy ray cyrus for mileys twerking
when he was a kid, Chuck Norris sold lemonade. and he charge a "arm and a leg" for it, literaly!
when Chuck Norris went to find Bigfoot, Bigfoot copied him self to escape from chuck
when Chuck Norris went to see Santa as a kid, Santa pulled Chuck Norris' beard to see if it was real.
Nuclear warheads are still hiding underground; even the Hydrogen bomb is afraid of Chuck Norris.
People cut their own hair, Chuck Norris pulls his own teeth
The only person who can defeat Chuck Norris in the first round of an MC battle is MC Greeney. Chuck subsiquently roundhouse kicks Greeney in the face and kills him.
Who wins in a race car race? Chuck Norris always wins. No excuses.
Simon plays Chuck Norris says.
If Chuck Norris is your mom your dad then who's your brother
Chuck Norris can talk his way out of a room with no windows or doors
If Chuck Norris dies, he doesn't randomly go to heaven or hell. He decides if to go to heaven or hell.
The movie 'Anacondas' was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants
Chuck Norris decided to sell his fart to the auto racing industry, we know it now as nitrous oxide.
my computer was running slow and wasn't working right. and ever since i changed the screen saver to a picture of Chuck Norris, its speed has increased and runs better than before. coincidence? I think not!
Did you ever think at random "hey I feel like I already been through this in past" where you actually haven't? It's just Chuck Norris rewinding life so he can watch it again.
Chuck Norris once had a street named after him, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives
Chuck Norris went on deal or no deal... the banker offered him 100 billion when he got all the top numbers on his fisrt round. he then raised it by 10 times when Chuck Norris said no.... the banker was then killed by picking up the rong phone
Eminem Sings about a Tornado meeting a Volcano, However we all know this is what happened when Chuck Norris created god.
the reason for the boarder patrol isn't to keep illegal immigrants out because we don't want them. it to keep them out so Chuck Norris doesn't kill the for trespassing
When the master chief was punching grunts (from halo) Chuck Norris was destroying covenant carriers
When Chuck Norris farts. Tornadoes blame somebody else!
The earth did not end on December 21 2012. But That is not because the Mayans were wrong, but because Chuck Norris had lunch planned for next week. Nothing gets between Chuck Norris and his lunch!
When Chuck Norris stands in front of a mirror, the mirror breaks because the mirror knows not to stand between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wishes you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, and a Happy New Year... so you better have one!
Chuck Norris does not make new year resolutions the new year makes Chuck Norris resolutions.
Chuck Norris recently attended a Black Panther and KKK rally at the South Carolina state house. Authorities found no survivors.
Chuck Norris double batters his chicken and fish in cocaine & gorilla milk/egg wash.
Everybody thinks the Galaxy Note 7 is explosive. In fact it is only Chuck Norris who tries to send a WhatsApp message with a selfie to his fans.
Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.
Chuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time. Here's the pseudo-code: Break salesman into N pieces. Kick each piece to a different city.
The sun is afraid to look Chuck Norris directly in the eyes
Chuck Norris napisao program koji detektira beskonačnu petlju za sve slučajeve
Chuck Norris je isprogramirao program koji nastavi raditi nakon segfault
Chuck Norris je isprogramirao program koji nastavi raditi nakon segfault segfault
In the year 4321 Chuck Norris gave one ∞th of his power to an elderly man, the next day the man started World War 12.
Barack Obama recently stated that he considers it 'a great honour and privilege' to shine Chuck Norris' shoes every Wednesday.
Little known fact: Barack Obama listens to country music daily, just because Chuck Norris told him to.
The reason why Barack Obama hasn't came out and said he is a muslim is because Chuck Norris is still alive
If Chuck Norris where to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger the world would end of the action packed that would follow
Chuck Norris can beat Arnie in an Arnold Schwarzenegger Impersonation contest.
Arnold Schwarzenegger would never ask Chuck Norris to "DO IT NOW" because he knows Chuck will
Scientists created Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sly Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vin Diesel, and Hulk Hogan by using urine samples from a toilet Chuck Norris once pissed in.
Chuck Norris has five children whose names are: - Van Damme - Arnold Schwarzenegger - Clint Eastwood - Steven Seagal - Joe Pesci
Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be back!". Chuck Norris says "I'm back!"
Chuck Norris is Charlie Sheen's dealer.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
The 11th commandment is ?Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris? This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris only let's Charlie Sheen think he is winning. Chuck won a long time ago.
While Charlie Sheen was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them, Chuck Norris was banging seven pound rocks and finishing them.
When Barack Obama said "Yes we can," he actually was referring to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris uspio uraditi zadaću da mu prođu svi autotestovi troll:
When life throws lemons at Chuck Norris, he catches them and throws them back at life.
Chuck Norris went to the white house and crapped and pissed on President Barack Obama's desk, just because he is Chuck Norris.
Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back. But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time
Chuck Norris has five rows of teeth.
Chuck Norris' eyes can un-pixellate any criminal's face on the TV.
Miley Cyrus was inspired to do Wrecking Ball after actually swinging on one of Chuck Norris's balls.
If you ever suggest that Chuck Norris might be gay, make no mistake, you will be dead before you even see the movement in the darkness.
When Chuck Norris watches Bubble Guppies, he gets pissed off and jumps into the TV and roundhouse kicks the motherf$&!ing sh*t out of them.
Chuck Norris once removed a thorn from Big Foot's little toe. That's why it's impossible to track Chuck Norris through the wilderness because Big Foot covers his trail with his own footprints.
Fun Fact: Chuck Norris wearing a blanky, riding a tricycle, with a kitten on his head looks more badass THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!!
Of course Chuck Norris banged Dolly Parton when she was in her prime.
Chuck Norris is loaded with more weaponry and alcohol than every pirate in history put together.
The Hulk doesn't like Chuck Norris when he's angry.
Chuck Norris on the cast of The Expendables 2 means the movie will consist of opening credits, one roundhouse kick, and closing credits. A single shot will not be fired.
Chuck Norris can see a black person on Friends.
Chuck Norris will kill anyone who does NOT respect him.
Samuel L Jackson is Chuck Norris' padawan
Chuck Norris once got in a bullfight with a matador.
Chuck Norris sees his reflection in a window.
When Chuck Norris was born, his Dad celebrated by lighting up cigars, one for him and one for Chuck.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
The Chicago Cubs are the worst team in baseball history. The only reason Cub fans still exist is because they are the only group of losers that Chuck Norris, uncharacteristically, has displayed any mercy for.
Every time Chuck Norris kills somebody, Danny Trejo gets another pockmark.
Chuck Norris cuts his steak with a plastic spoon.
Chuck Norris has the powers of the force, but NOBODY knows
When Chuck Norris claps his hands, the sun turns off.
Wooy Woodpecker died today. Nobody laughs at Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was a Sherman Tank in a past life.
Chuck Norris can stack cups without moving his hands or eyes.
Chuck Norris went for a stroll in the jungle and was ambushed by a very hungry tiger. The attack was brutal, merciless and clinical. The tiger just doesn't have a ghost of chance at all. That is how Chuck Norris got the tiger rug in his living room.
Every once in awhile Chuck Norris goes on vacation to asia or the Middle-East. While there he usually gets into a bar-fight. Afterwards, this is remembered as a "war"
Chuck Norris raced light. Now he is always in the dark!
Chuck Norris keeps all the nuclear launch codes pinned to his fridge.
Michael Jackson can moonwalk but Chuck Norris can sun walk
The world is actually a long action movie franchise and we're all just background characters in Chuck Norris' story.
Chuck Norris can bend irony into balloon-animal shapes.
Chuck Norris got his legs cut off and still managed to get up and walk it off.
The Original Name of the Movie was Alien vs Chuck Norris. The producers found this to be a bit of an unfair fight, and knowing that they wanted a sequal, they substitued Predator for Chuck Norris. Many lives were saved.
The US did not boycot the 1980 Summer Olympics. Chuck Norris was the only US qualifier for every event. He decided not to compete because there was no challenge.
In 3rd grade , Chuck Norris wrote tthat 1+1=4 , and was instantly promoted to 8th grade.
Chuck Norris turned his Total Gym into a time machine.
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes apple juice.
In Hollywood, the abbreviation HD stands for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so scary, he can print his own money by sending selfies to the U.S. Mint.
Chuck Norris only finds M&M's in a bag of Trail Mix.
Chuck Norris can be a better villain than Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Snaptrap, Venom, Lizard, and.....well any other villain. Hes a better villain than anyone.
Chuck Norris doesn't live in America. America lives under Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' prostate has eaten dozens of doctor's middle fingers.
Chuck Norris, motherfucker. Chuck fucking Norris.
Chuck Norris was a first responder but he quit because people wanted him to use the defibrillators, and not roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the Terminator. However, the directors realized that if Chuck Norris was the Terminator, there would be no human resistence.
Chuck Norris sack-slapped a man in Reno just to watch him cry.
Michael Jordan was recently asked who he thought was the greatest basketball player in the world. His answer? Chuck Norris.
pearld harbour was burned because Chuck Norris pee on that with high explosive urine
Chuck Norris put 5 of his good friends in the hospital, after they challenged him to a pillow fight.
Chuck Norris once stabbed a man to death with a pillow.
Chuck Norris can cast Tenth Level Spells under First Edition rules.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull for 6 hours. He then ate it raw.
Chuck Norris uses his tongue can sniff out snakes. His tongue can also strangle a snake. He uses his beard to fillet the snake into bite size pieces and mixes it in with bananas to top off his bowl of Post Toasties.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Grim Reaper can process them.
Chuck Norris has a gentle side and it has only killed 100 ninjas.
Chuck Norris is the reason Atlantis no longer exists.
What Chuck Norris calls a "chaser" is what you and I call "cobra venom".
Chuck Norris can fix stupid with duct tape but he prefers to fix it with a roundhouse kick to stupid's face.
Chuck Norris is suing the creators of Facebook, for stealing the name of his personal collection of facial tissue he ripped off from people he met with bad manners.
The rock band Stone Temple Pilots got their name after they witnessed Chuck Norris cruising around in an Aztec shrine on the streets of L.A.
It's a little known fact that Chuck Norris's cat had a part in Harry Potter. To conceal her identity they called her " Mrs Norris".
Sheena became a Punk Rocker ever since Chuck Norris broke her heart.
When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks your nuts your face implodes on itself.
Pound for pound, Chuck Norris is the biggest badass ever.
If you ever hear that Chuck Norris has died, it's not true. He just went to heaven to show God how it's done. i.e. create the world in 2 days cos' he has better shit to do.
The color brown exists because Chuck Norris scared the shit out of while.
The term "Screaming Mimi" was introduced to American society in 1959 as a result of Chuck Norris attending an Eisenhower family BBQ.
Osama is not hiding from U.S soldiers , but of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can satisfy any woman just by being in the same room with her.
Did you know that Mother Nature had a one-night-stand with Father Time? The result was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Army had to change their slogan, "An Army of One".
A long time ago, in a galaxy far,far away.... Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of somebody.
Chuck Norris recently won the celebrity 'Dancing with the Stars' TV competition with his rendition of a Rottweiler dragging is ass across the carpet.
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris
According to Forrest Gump: "Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is actually not pissing off Chuck Norris. And that's all I have to say about that!"
Jesus's birthday isn't December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card on that day. Jesus was to scared to tell Chuck the truth, and that's why we celebrate Christmas.
Once, while hunting in Alaska, Chuck Norris bagged a a bull moose, a rhinoceros and 4 hyenas.
Chuck Norris can flog a dead horse back to life.
Chuck Norris beated on the ground and now we have bricks
Scientist have tried to come up with a theory for how Chuck Norris came to be... we now know this theory as the "Big Bang"
Seriously, if it wasn't for Chuck Norris, we would be up to World War Nine by now.
Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars..............or wheels
In Highschool when Chuck Norris phone rang in class the teachers phone was confiscated
The U.S. Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment specifically exempts Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris for his autograph, he'll dip his boot in a bucket of ink and roundhouse kick you in your face.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles by chewing ghost chilis.
Chuck Norris don't give a fuck. Fuck gives Chuck.
Want to cure hiccups? Just pretend Chuck Norris is angry at you. As long as that thought doesn't make you die of fright, you'll never have hiccups again.
Chuck Norris can swallow his tongue, reel out two feet of toilet paper and wipe his own ass with it.
Chuck Norris once saw Spiderman on a wall so he folded up a newspaper and swatted him.
Chuck Norris simply walks into Mordor
The Inuit have over a 100 words for snow but only two for fear.. Chuck Norris.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, some poems rhyme, Chuck Norris kicked my ass.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked PSY in the face Gangman Style.
Chuck Norris invented irony by pissing a hole through a toilet.
Chuck Norris' remote has a bayonet.
Chuck Norris is a member of the Hall of Fame in 19 different sports.
The jokes are slacking, pick up the paste guys, or Chuck Norris will Virtually Roundhouse your asses!!
Chuck Norris is never 'armed to the teeth'. He is armed WITH teeth.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from Chuck Norris.
the boogie man was created after Chuck Norris sneezed
Christmas is canceled this year. Chuck Norris told Santa no more Christmas.
As a rule, on weekdays, Chuck Norris eats lunch at Home Depot. That's why his farts smell like rusty roofing nails soaked in turpentine.
Chuck Norris only applies his car brakes for people with red hair & beards.
Chuck Norris puts out his cigars in the nearest person's eye socket.
Chuck Norris became the first man to fly two jumbo jets using only the heels of his boots. He performed this terrifying stunt without the merest drop of perspiration registering on his granite features.
Some men are lovers. Some men are fighters. Chuck Norris kills 'em just the same.
You can get up to half a million dollars on the black market if you possess an authentic Chuck Norris pube.
Chuck Norris can do a handstand no handed.
Face your problems, unless your face is the problem which Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked.
Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth to be forgiven for punching the Pope.
Chuck Norris often goes to funerals with popcorn and soda.
When Chuck Norris was 9, his girlfriends father told Chuck to stay away from his 23 year old daughter.
Chuck Norris can understand women.
According to Chuck Norris, too much of a good thing is still a good thing...like Texas BBQ and bashing in somebody's face for instance.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear. He sleeps with a REAL bear.
Chuck Norris can literally kill time.
Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math. "
What's the difference between REM an Chuck Norris? One sings "Everybody Hurts", the other just hurts everybody.
Chuck Norris CAN eat only one Lays Potato Chip.
Chuck Norris's pubes can cut diamonds
Chuck Norris just killed Clas.J
Chuck Norris owns the Rights to eating ninjas for breakfast. That's why there is no Ninja Turtle cereal.
Chuck Norris doesn't obey the law HE IS THE LAW!
Chuck Norris cut himself while trimming his beard. When he was 6.
Aliens are too afraid to visit Earth because they're afraid they'll get probed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can take a bath in a toilet.
Chuck Norris lets lightning hit him sometimes--it tickles.
Chuck Norris wears the shit out of his cowboy hat.
Chuck Norris dosn't use stuntmen, stuntmen use Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris tested the tower 200 now the door has abs
Chuck Norris can tear INXS apart.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a guard dog at his home. He relies on Brutus, who is absolutely lethal when it comes to prowlers and is considered to be the most badass attack rabbit in the world.
fool Chuck Norris once, shame on you, fool him twice, be extremely thankful he had some reason not to kill you the first time he let you think you fooled him
CHUCK NORRIS CAN EAT WATER WITH A FORK
Luke's father is not Darth Vader. It's Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris won the 1984 tour de France on a tricycle....backwards.....and no wheels.
the manny pacquiao-floyd mayweather, jr. fight will only push through if CHUCK NORRIS says so...
Most experts are not entirely sure Chuck Norris has yet achieved self-awareness.
Chuck Norris uses beer coasters as shurikens.
Chuck Norris could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot.
Chuck Norris can speak in sign language.
A grizzly bear shattered all its teeth when it bit Chuck Norris in the ass. A merciful Chuck Norris then lovingless fed the toothless grizzly 3 gallons of prueed salmon before ripping its gallbladder out through its asshole.
Chuck Norris keeps a stable full of miniature miniature horses in his beer cooler.
If Chuck Norris was going to die in 4 seconds Steven Seagal "Might" get a hit on him with Steven Seagal dieing on Chuck Norris last breath
Chuck Norris recently whipped the SHIT outta Quinten Tarantino
Every man should look himself in the mirror each day and say "how can I be more like Chuck Norris?"
Chuck Norris made a set of boxing speed bags out of Abe Vigoda's earlobes.
Chuck Norris uses the Shroud of Turin as a lobster bib.
Chuck Norris can complete a 40-hour workweek by 5 p.m. on Monday.
The reason plasma guns don't exist is because Chuck Norris hasn't donated plasma
Chuck Norris can milk a horse.
Chuck Norris literally whipped all of the U.S. Marines into shape while the U.S. Air Force was having thier mid-morning brunch and crochet lessons.
The saying "You win some, you lose some" was disproven by Chuck Norris.
The only solution for our economic recovery is Chuck Norris merchandise.
Dairy Queen announced it's newest DQ treat, the Chuck Norris Combo Blizzard consisting of DQ ice cream, metal shavings, gun powder, Tobasco & topped with crushed glass.
There is a new Chuck Norris Visa Credit Card available. If you accrue enough Chuck Norris award points, he will personally punch the person of your choice in the face.
Chuck Norris has a million Espurr. When they hug his legs, you better get the bleep out of there, or else you'll die a death worse than a roundhouse kick. Don't believe me? Have you even READ Espurr's Pokedex entries?
Chuck Norris does not leave tips. Waitresses pay Chuck for the privilege of serving him.
The orgy scenes in "Caligula" pale by comparison to the 21st Birthday party thrown for Chuck Norris.
It is impossible for Chuck Norris to get skidmarks because he craps bleach
Chuck Norris can tell you how to get to Sesame Street
Chuck Norris wrote his autobiography in Hexadecimal.
Once Chuck Norris played Super Mario and he never loses a life.
The only thing that Chuck Norris can't do is smell his own farts.
Chuck Norris tans in a pizza oven.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses, the result was him seing his back.
Chuck Norris is recommending his friends buy 2 story homes because zombies can't climb stairs.
Sinkholes are not caused by water under the earth, they are results of someone questioning Chuck Norris' volleyball spiking ability.
Christmas special: Chuck Norris gets infinity presents. Lucky him.
Chuck Norris once kicked a giraffes face to a snake. Now to this day the snake was called: "Brontosaurus."
Chuck Norris would love to bring your daughter to the slaughter.
Someone once said, "Chuck Norris doesn't look so tough". All that is left of that person is an ass with a boot up it.
If u spell CHUCK NORRIS without capitalizing his letters he'll wil roundhouse kick you 230,000,000 times less then a half a second and the only this u will see is your body in a coffin. It is a good thing that I capitalized his
Chuck Norris once did stand-up comedy in Las Vegas. The entire audience laughed themselves to death.
What is black, white and red all over? Chuck Norris roundhose kicked an actor in a black and white old movie.
By the time you finish reading this 9,000 people will have been murdered by Chuck Norris. :D
Don't ever make the mistake of staring at Chuck Norris or you will find yourself picking up your teeth with two broken arms and counting them with two black eyes.
Life is like a brutal Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. It's more spectacular than you will ever know.
When nine hundred number operators get lonely at night, they call Chuck Norris.
When the first man whent to the moon Chuck norris had already had a pic nic there twice.
Chuck Norris makes toast in the shower, while using his hairdryer. As a result, his electricity bill is outrageous, so he doesn't pay it.
The secret ingredient in Miracle Grow is Chuck Norris sweat. It scares plants into growing faster.
If Chuck Norris says "Lets have fun!", he actually wants to roundhouse kick you to space.
Dinosaurs went extinct because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris sold eBay on eBay.
Chuck Norris will kill Vicente Naverette
Chuck Norris was originally going to be in Kombat Pack 2 for Mortal Kombat X. They cancelled him because 1 roundhouse kick kills the opponent instantly. FATALITY!
When Chuck Norris lived in Jamaica in the early 70's, he killed literally hundreds of people with his chucklocks alone.
Chuck Norris is better than Ash Ketchum because Ash didn't catch all the Pokemon yet.
The Dynamic Duo was originally called Chuck Norris and Batman. When Chuck Norris got bored and retired, Batman got promoted and added Robin to the team.
Ever wonder why the US government build AREA 51? Because AREA 1 up to 50 was build for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris digests His Food In His Mouth.
Chuck Norris is the reason we, as a species, can't have nice things.
Chuck Norris created Snooki by punching an Oompa Loompa in the face.
Chuck Norris once strangled a man to death with a cordless phone.
"Bigfoot" did exist...until he tried to threaten Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't play God of War. He is the God of War.
all insect killing sprays are made out of Chuck Norris fart
Chuck Norris does not mow his grass.... he dares it to grow...
Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gas station. Chuck Norris goes to Jurassic Park.
Chuck Norris turned down the role as Optimus Prime!
Tiffany has breakfast at Chuck Norris's.
Chuck Norris can break every bone in your body with poetry
Scientists theorize that surviving a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick would be worse than dying from it. Unfortunately no-one has survived one to confirm this theory.
Opinions are like assholes - every single one is in danger of being violated by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' wristwatch is accurate to one second every ice age.
Read! its what smart people do! but not Chuck Norris. He already is smart enough.
Chuck Norris' density: 89,000,000 Kelvin (otherwise known as 1 Norris)
Internet service dies each time someone on your ISP tries to submit a dry Chuck Norris fact.
Chuck Norris enjoys hang gliding after dark with a pair of night-vision goggles and a bunch of nooses.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a man in a wheelchair in the ground people dug that fossil up it is now a handicap parking sign but really it is a warning that Chuck is coming
Little known fact: Talking Shit About Chuck Norris is the eighth Deadly Sin. And by far the most deadly.
Chuck Norris threw his first roundhouse kick on September 1st, 1945 at the age of five. The next day Japan surrendered -- coincidence ? I doubt it .
If Chuck Norris were to put notches on his bedpost, the bed would collapse within two months.
The sun moves across the sky because its running from Chuck Norris.
This just in: Chuck Norris returns home from a 1 day long vacation in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
Chuck Norris taught Dave Hester how and when to say yuuup!
Chuck Norris dosn't wear bullet proof vest, bullet proof vest wear Chuck Norris vest.
Chuck Norris can literally HIT Puberty
Chuck Norris regularly smashes open his computer to eat the cookies within.
Chuck Norris can snatch your wife's golden watch in far less time than it takes a Peeping Tom to watch your wife's golden snatch!
Chuck Norris walked past Uasin Bolt who was running the 100m... on the day that he broke the world record
Chuck Norris has X-Ray vision. And damn right, he does use it to see through hot women's clothes.
when the U.S. invaded Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction all they found... was Chuck Norris
The Mona Lisa didn't smile before Chuck Norris spent a night in the Louvre.
Brick shithouses are built like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once part of a knock knock joke. The Joke ended abruptly when after the first knock the door blew up killing the man behind it.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse a black hole out of extinction in the blink of an eye.
When Chuck Norris kicks you in the face, you know you're dead. When he kicks himself in the face, he knows he's alive!
In case you are wondering... Chuck Norris' spurs have INDEED slit thousands of throats and killed dozens of horses.
Tornados jump into a root cellar when they see Chuck Norris approaching.
Chuck Norris designed the first Ed Hardy shirt when he ran out of douchebags to kill.
Wheaties are actually flash dried Chuck Norris boogers.
Chuck Norris does not pay taxes. He subsidizes the national economy.
Chuck Norris can download iTunes to an 8-track player.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey when along came Chuck Norris who sat beside her and said...Whatcha got in the bowl bitch?
Chuck Norris does INDEED want a piece of you.
A heckler recently insulted Chuck Norris and made him madder than a castrated moose. It didnt end well for the heckler.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the balls, face, and back of the head at the same time.
The rain in Spain falls mainly where Chuck Norris tells it to.
If you try to shoot Chuck Norris in a dream, you better wake up and apologize
Theres a computer virus named rndhsekck. If you open the virus, it roundhouse kicks you in the face..from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once abandoned one of his kids when it was discovered he was allergic to the family dinosaur!
The apple never falls far from the tree. Keep this in mind when talking to a bearded child claiming to be one of Chuck Norris' spawn.
There is no angel upon Chuck Norris' shoulder... the devil sits there. His other shoulder is where he rests the bazooka
If you receive an invitation from Chuck Norris to attend a Texas Tea Party rally, it is actually his secret code for you to come over for a fun filled evening of jello shooters, beer pong & strip poker.
Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac, 6 piece chicken mcnugget , and a hot apple pie. AND GOT IT !!
Death only exists because Chuck Norris allows him to live.
Chuck Norris calls his left and right fists "Great Vengeance" and "Furious Anger"
A man with 3 arms and 3 legs once attempted to kick Chuck Norris' ass. Chuck dropped him with a flying roundhoue, took a shit on his face and turned him into a Dung Beetle.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to describe Chuck Norris. Little Johnny said Chuck Norris is like a wheelbarrow full of awesome.
Chuck Norris' idea of a light snack is a big bowl of Fire Ants.
Chuck Norris goes around to R. Kelly's house every Thursday to urinate on him.
Chuck Norris makes the rest of The Expendables look like The Golden Girls.
If a clone was made from Chuck Norris and that clone was one-fourth the size of Chuck Norris, the clone's manhood would be 9 inches long.
Chuck Norris wins Tic Tac Toe in only two moves!
The cosmic microwave background radiation is a remnant of Chuck Norris' birth.
Chuck Norris has no reflection because their can be only one !!!!
Jesus could walk on water...Chuck Norris can swim on land.
When Chuck Norris played Starcraft 2, he won a match in 1 minute because his fingers make 1000 moves in 20 seconds.
Chuck Norris can end a sentence with a preposition.
The only way to get mercy from Chuck Norris is to say his name three times in Chuckenese. Mispronouncing will only make your fate worse.
It all started when Chuck Norris invented the wheel.
The reason they changed it from 10 degrees of seperation to 6 degrees of separation is because Chuck Norris killed the other 4 people that don't know anybody.
When you're Chuck Norris, all the sperms that didn't make it... MAKE it.
Chuck Norris can check his stock in the stock market with a playboy magazine.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to connect to knock you out with a roundhouse kick. He just needs to come close and the wind does the rest
Chuck Norris can pull off a 97-hit combo in under eight seconds when someone taps him on the shoulder.
Chuck Norris showers with a sand blaster.
Chuck Norris uses liquid nitrogen as mouthwash.
Fighting bulls see a red cape and charge towards it. Fighting bulls see Chuck Norris and run away just as fast as they can go.
When Chuck Norris wants food he folds the land to the nearest restaurant so he doesn't have to walk
If you ever hear Chuck Norris humming "Ain't That a Kick In the Head," flee for your life. You don't want to be around to see what happens next.
6 x 7 = Chuck Norris; since both 42 and Chuck Norris are the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
Learning that Santa isn't real doesn't make children sad, it's the fact that Chuck Norris is
Chuck Norris does not have a fence. He has a dotted line and a sign that says "I dare you".
Michele Bachmann's face needed pastic surgery again after she called Chuck Norris' mother a social succubus for recieving social security payments that her husband & she paid into for 50 years.
If Chuck Norris was black, Obama would have been the US 44th black president.
Chuck Norris walked into a bar. everyone died and the bar exploded into a bar. the end.
The insanely popular one-man show "Three Hours Of Chuck Norris Standing On Stage And Staring At You" has been to over 75 countries around the world, to a combined audience of over four million. There were no surviors.
Chuck Norris loves to dance in the rain - acid rain.
Chuck Norris' favorite hobby is to create orphans.
A Chuck Norris sighting is considered extremely fortunate - if he did not roundhouse kick you.
Cocaine is really just Chuck Norris's dandruff
Chuck Norris lives in a permanent state of chronosynclastic infundibulum.
Chuck Norris' chest hair can absorb a shotgun blast.
In "Way of the Dragon",Bruce Lee bribed Chuck Norris to let him live.
"Iron Man" was originally going to be called "Chuck Norris: The Movie," but everyone who knew about it got roundhouse kicked. Afterwords, Chuck Norris hired Robert Downey Jr. and had the movie called "Iron Man"
Chuck Norris favorite artist is Celine Dion. No homo.
Billie Jean was Chuck Norris' lover.
They haven't perfected cloning yet because when they cloned Chuck Norris, his clone couldn't fly.
Chuck Norris once went into a church to ask God why Adam was created first instead of chuck. God's answer apparently was not to Chuck's liking, since no one has seen or heard from God sense...
Mr. Miyagi may be able to catch a fly with chopsticks but Chuck Norris eats soup with his.
Chuck Norris' homemade Texas chili is so hot that if you ate a bowl of it this evening, you would wish that you had a strawberry snow cone to wipe your ass with tomorrow morning.
Before Chuck Norris had his way with her, Lady Gaga had the dress sense of a librarian.
Chuck Norris can rehydrate petrified wood by urinating on it.
Chuck Norris now owns a miniature giraffe. Epic Win is now a quadriplegic. Any questions?
Michael Jackson once witnessed someone try to dance next to Chuck Norris. What followed inspired the title of his next album - ''Blood On The Dance Floor''.
Did you know? The name Chuck Norris means Chuck Norris in every other language.
Chuck Norris doesn't need an axe or saw to cut down a tree -- he needs only his foot, or his fist, or his glare.
Where Chuck Norris Lives: Everywhere.
If Chuck Norris was the Cardinals manager, the Red Sox would forfeit!
Chuck Norris bungee jumps with an anchor chain.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally become a human cannonball.
Chuck Norris never 'visits' a foreign land... he invades it
Bill and Ted's excellent adventures were sponsored by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Little-known fact: Chuck Norris murdered Heath Ledger when he refused to give up an Olsen twin.
Chuck Norris turned the wine back into water.
Chuck Norris won on TV's "Jeopardy" game show by answering every question with "Who is Chuck Norris".
If you're a horse, here's a little advice: Never look a gift CHUCK NORRIS in the mouth!
Chuck Norris lost his vriginity before his dad did.
Had Chuck Norris been present at the Battle of the Alamo, the southern border of Texas would be extended a few thousand miles to Guatemala.
During WWII Chuck Norris was drafted into the Army. He mercilessly roundhouse kicked everyone to death including Ally soldiers. Their resting place is now known as Arlington Cemetery.
Chuck Norris didnt dial the wrong number......you just answered the wrong phone
Chuck Norris actually has no beard. It's rust from his iron jaw
If Chuck Norris told YOU to jump off a bridge, you should thank him profusely and do it immediately.
Chuck Norris doesn't ride in elevators. The elevator rides around Chuck Norris.
...Where no man has gone before! Chuck Norris doesn't need the "Star Fleet". He's went everywhere.
A wise boy once told his girlfriend " I will love you for as long as Chuck Norris is alive"
When Chuck Norris got his Polio shot as a child, the doctor needed a crossbow bolt covered in the immunisation fluid.
Chuck Norris stood in the way of progress.
Chuck Norris can fit a three prong cable into a two socket outlet.
Chuck Norris was Maria Shriver's rebound guy. And he was totally cool with it.
When people don't know what to do, they ask; "What would Jesus do?" When 'HE WHO IS HOLIEST' doesn't know what to do, he ponders, "What would Chuck Norris do?"
Someone once told Chuck Norris that a roundhouse kick is not the best kick. This has been noted in history as the worst mistake ever made.
If Chuck Norris were a country, his two main exports would be pain and death.
Chuck Norris discovered a new planet by simply pointing into the night sky and saying "there's one".
Chuck Norris refuses to dip his chips in sissy assed hummas. He prefers a pile of organic tree bark, dead feral hog & whiskey humus.
there are no such thing as a tornado Chuck Norris just don't like trailer parks.
Chuck Norris once broke into Fort Knox, to take a leak.
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth that can look dignified riding a Segway.
The Christmas Tree of Chuck Norris is/has/was: 100 meters tall. 103856 ornaments. 262 stars. 2847687949295 lights. too many presents under it to count. painted with 38583 colors, 683 being shades of green.
Chuck Norris has baffled mathematicians by dividing by zero.
Chuck Norris' speed while running reaches close to the speed of light. His speed while walking is twice the speed of sound. His speed while sleeping is 495 mph.
Chuck Norris scratches his nuts with a cheese grater.
Chuck Norris jumped to the top of Mount Everest.
The original Linux kernel was written in Persian by Chuck Norris. Linus Torvalds ported it to C.
Lindsay Lohan once put a hickey on one of Chuck Norris' hemorrhoids.
The lesser-known (but official) name for Jupiter's Great Red Spot is Hurricane Chuck Norris.
The Killer Instinct Community is thinking either to put Chuck Norris in season 3.
Chuck Norris has a special stare that turns goat crap into gasoline
Which came first - the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris said it was the beer which came first, the hell with these damn animals!!!
Chuck Norris never fails to get a card from his dear mother on Mother's Day.
God stole Chuck Norris' job when he applied...God has been hiding ever since
Recently leaked Government documents confirm that Osama Bin Ladin died at Chuck Norris' hands. Chuck confirmed that Bin Ladins last words were "Chuck Norris, figures".
Once Chuck Norris took a Vacation to the bahamas,he was watching oprah when she said somthing funny he pissed himself and laughed so hard is started hurracane katrina
Chuck Norris once snuck in to a free concert.
Chuck Norris once made a mirror break just by beating up a person in front of it
Chuck Norris' RV has a tractor beam.
Chuck Norris carved his Thanksgiving turkey with a roundhouse kick.
God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "Let there be God."
If Chuck Norris EVER wants to see you talk, he will ram his arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
100 years ago Albert Einstein predicted gravitational waves Chuck Norris can provoke one, if he wants on 2015-09-14 he was in good mood, so he did it
Jigsaw from SAW once woke up and found a recorded message from Chuck Norris that he will die some hours later cause he can't get free of the room he was trapped in.
Every one of Chuck Norris' restaurants specialize in serving piping-hot knuckle sandwiches to anyone who dares to complain.
Chuck Norris makes golf a full-contact sport.
Chuck Norris created Hugh Jackman Jokes so he would stop getting fan mail. Needless to say, it didn't work.
In the making of delta force Chuck Norris had to use a stunt double in the fighting scenes so no actors would be killed. True Fact
Chuck Norris gently & tenderly rubbed his beard across the tiny face of 'The Green Mile' mouse, thus giving it eternal life. Just imagine the fun he had squashing it with his boots over & over again!
Chuck Norris humps camels, shags carpets and bones China.
In 79 A.D., Chuck Norris took a laxative. As a consequence, the entire city of Pompeii was destroyed.
Chuck Norris does not live in America, he craps the hell out of America and lives in California.
Chuck Norris can play the violin...on the piano.
Chuck Norris' opinion is considered to be a fatwa in Japan.
Chuck Norris is better than Billy Madison's shampoo and conditioner.
Adonis was a total Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is James Bond's wingman.
Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a gun he sleeps with his fist.
When Gotham City needs help, they call on Batman. When Batman needs help, he calls on Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can murder you via text message.
Even at 70, Chuck Norris still ain't too old for this shit.
Recent testimonials from women worldwide have equated Chuck Norris' to that of a rivet gun.
Chuck Norris' heartbeat is dubstep
Chuck Norris slaughtered Paul McCartney back in '67 and replaced him with a cyborg.
A Tesla battery holds 100 kWh of energy. Chuck Norris' morning yawn generates twice that.
Chuck Norris holds all the real-world cheat codes. Yeah, even the zombie one.
Chuck Norris doesn't need sunblock. The Sun needs Chuck Norris block, CNPF (Chuck Norris Protection Factor) 1000000000000000
Chuck Norris strikes fear into zombies.
A power drill just wouldn't be... unless it had a CHUCK Norris KEY.
Chuck Norris once made it to the Super Bowl. He beat the Steelers 450 to -60
Each Thanksgiving, millions of people give thanks that Chuck Norris has let them live to see another Thanksgiving.
The Pope once tried to bless Chuck Norris. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so big he can't lift it, then hurl it through your kidneys, then make a bigger rock and lift it.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
If you type "Chuck Norris" into your GPS, it says, "Recaclulating...Chuck Norris is arriving at your location...you're dead...Good-bye!"
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a machine gun and flosses with a lightsaber.
When Chuck Norris says he is "Sorry", its not for what he has done, but for what he is about to do.
Chuck Norris's beard can cure breast cancer.
Chuck Norris has decided the value of Pi shall be 1, henceforth.
For entertainment purposes, Chuck Norris serves rum&coke and spiked punch as refreshments at AA meetings.
Chuck Norris can see the Illuminati but the Illuminati can't see Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks saplings. This is because the saplings will turn into trees the instant after he does that.
It would cost $10,000 for Chuck Norris to get a tattoo; the artist would need a .50 cal machine gun.
The formation of The Universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the singularity.
Chuck Norris's beard alone has experienced more than your entire body.
If a Domino's driver is late delivering your pizza, the pizza is free of charge. If a Domino's driver is late with Chuck Norris' pizza, that driver immediately loses his life. (And all future pizzas Chuck orders are free of charge)
Chuck Norris has a 386 yard long bullwhip. He uses it at his palacial ranch to swat gnats off the gentitals of his herd of his prize winning longhorn bulls.
Q: Who would win in a beer dinking contest between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chuck Norris? A:Noone because no bar can hold that much awesomness!
Chuck Norris gets 95% in a 50-50 partnership.
Chuck Norris carries a list it's simple. 1.Kill and kill somemore
Ever wonder why Curly disappeared from the Three Stooges? Chuck Norris did not find him funny.
Chuck Norris can make hamburger out of ham.
Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant... He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table.
Chuck Norris' hula hoop has four samurai blades attached. He only uses it in the moshpit.
Ah hem. Im sorry by If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed, i mean, WE'RE ALL SCREWED DAMMIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
The word "upChuck" came from the first time Chuck Norris round-house kicked someone in the stomach.
Chuck Norris is older than his own dad.
When Chuck Norris plays a game, every minute is potentially "Sudden Death" for his opponents...including cards and board games.
Chuck Norris once won the Boston Marathon...while sleeping...in Chicago.
When Chuck Norris calls you, you have two options: either yes, or yes. Choose one if you want to live ...
Chuck Norris CAN handle the truth.
After defeating Chuck Norris in combat ! Bruce Lee died of a broken heart.
Chuck Norris would like to be / under the sea / in an octopus's garden / throttling Ringo
Chuck Norris does sleep. He sleeps with his eyes wide open and a very big grin.
Garry Neville beat Chuck Liddell in an arm wrestle. But Chuck Norris beat them both in an arm wrestle. With his wrist .
Chuck Norris owns and operates a family restaurant in Waco, TX. The only item on the menu is a knuckle sandwich.
Fun Fact: The moment Chuck Norris was pulled from his mother's womb all the doctors and nurses in the hospital began to sing "O' Fortuna" in its entirety. There is still no scientific explanation as to how this happened.
When Super Saiyans get angry they transform into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the world's only Nobel prize-winning astrophysicist who gained his credentials solely by intimidating and beating the shit out of a bunch of eggheads.
Chuck Norris's jeans are so tight to prevent excess oxygen from reaching his legs and causing involuntary Roundhouse Kicks.
Pandora opened the box and saw Chuck Norris
there is no use crying over spilled milk, unless its Chuck Norris' milk because then your gonna die
Chuck Norris struck gold while performing his own prostate exam.
A talk show host told Chuck Norris that Justin Bieber is a no talent, lying, lowdown, egg sucking dog. Chuck said "that's not true, Bieber does not like eggs".
What you can't argue with is the Chuck Norris motto, which is "of the Norris, for the Norris, by the Norris." Chuck the Norris.
In soviet Russia Chuck Norris still kicks your ass!
Chuck Norris once killed an old man in his childhood.
Chuck Norris doesn't play music - he works it like a slave owner.
Chuck Norris has Hitler's skull hanging off of his key-chain.
Chuck Norris uses hippies as fire wood.
Chuck Norris has 3 birthdays a year
When Chuck Norris was once working at Freddy's Fazbear's Pizza, he punched the manager and roundhouse kicked Freddy Fazbear in the face.
Chuck Norris can piss in a urinal and leave the seat up.
Once when Chuck Norris was a child.....who are we kidding, Chuck Norris was born a man
Chaoticians are going to rename the so-called 'butterfly effect' as the 'Norris effect'- whenever Chuck Norris goes bezerk and destroys a city, another city on the other side of the world blows up also.
Housten's problem was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris play Texas Levitate, because he don't need to hold 'em.
Chuck Norris' tongue is actually a proboscis.
The funniest joke ever was told by Chuck Norris about some tumbleweed that rolled by in silence.
Chuck Norris made SCREAM scream so bad he drops his mouth
Little known fact: Chuck Norris was, briefly, the only Spice Boy. He was known as Violent Spice.
The only reason O.J. won his case was because Chuck Norris was a 49ers fan
If you ever dare to 'axe' Chuck Norris a question, he will 'axe' your forehead.
Chuck Norris can choose his friends... his neighbors... his parents and family.
Following every bowl of horse hair & ballbearing bisque, Chuck Norris drinks a quart of Liquid Plummer to aid in digestion.
Chuck Norris has a role in every Saw movie... as the traps!
Confucius say wise man not face front of bull, not face back of mule, not face Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris pees pure arsenic.
Chuck Norris completed COD Black opps on a broken guitar hero guitar
The first terminator went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. As a result, the terminator will never exist.
The Terminator movies were written specifically with Chuck Norris in mind for the title role, and was originally called the Walkernator. The only differences were that the T-800 would always wear a cowboy hat and smoke cigars.
Chuck Norris did not shoot the Sheriff or the Deputy but he did torch thier police cruiser with a flaming porcupine.
Chuck Norris can exhale a huge plume of cigar smoke at any time.
Chuck Norris single-handedly saved Jack Daniels from going into bankruptcy
Chuck Norris' Ipod came with a real charger instead of just a usb cord.
Chuck Norris once held his shit for three days. His defacation is now known as the Rocky Mountains.
Chuck Norris wasn't born in a hospital. He made himself.
If you see Chuck Norris in the wild, he may eat right out of your hand, because Chuck Norris has no natural predators.
Hillary Clinton sacrifices goats to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum balls. He chews bawling balls.
Peanut Butter has a Chuck Norris allergy...
Chuck Norris swims in active volcanos to cool off.
Chuck Norris killed all the dinosaurs and burried the corpses.
Chuck Norris' blood type is diesel
Chuck Norris is a supporter of gender equality in the workplace. That's why he makes his female employees work longer hours so they can earn the same as the men.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a cutlery drawer. He has a kitchen arsenal.
Bad news - Chuck Norris got sick last week and died. Good news - He's feeling much better now and went back to work yesterday.
Chuck Norris does not run out of bullets, bullets run out of Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris can play a PS3 game on a PS2 console.
Chuck Norris whistles, his his war pigs come running after justin beaver!!!
in the game monopoly Chuck Norris doesnt cross go , go moves out the fucking way
Chuck Norris lives in Navasota, Texas. Navasota has a crime rate of precisely zero. No shit. Look it up.
Chuck Norris can play the Ventures hit 'Pipeline' in its entirety on a slide trombone.
Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork, KFC with chopsticks, and bananas with his feet.
Chuck Norris is a poet and his feet know it. Each one has an impression of your face on it.
Chuck Norris made One Direction go two ways.
A man once asked Chuck Norris, "what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object?" Chuck Norris answered the question by punching himself in the face.
Chuck Norris can draw a picture of him kicking your ass, and send it you you a week in advance - and as soon you open it he will knock on your door, properly kick your ass, and you STILL won't know what the fuck happened.
Stanford university recently received a scholarship from Chuck Norris
It used to be called goodminton before Chuck Norris tried it.
Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his room. The bear isnt dead. Its just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris can speak French....in Russian
When Chuck Norris points a gun at you you're actually safer
Chuck Norris can see the color beningiorer. And you haven't even heard about it.
Chuck Norris isn't a cannibal, because he is actually a superior species. So next time he devours a family member, don't be upset, just remember this is just the beautiful cycle of nature.
Chuck Norris is the biggest boss that Rick Ross has seen so far.
Chuck Norris taught Jesus how to grow a beard.
AI can now write code faster than most programmers. Chuck Norris writes code by typing 'work' into an empty file. It compiles out of respect.
Chuck Norris loves playing soccer - with the grim reaper.
Chuck Norris can remove graffiti from the side of a building through micturition.
Chuck Norris' mom can kick your ass.
Chuck Norris and Sasquatch are maternal cousins.
Area 51 is where Chuck Norris stores his lawn mower.
Chuck Norris is so fast that the GPS speaks to him in the past tense.
Chuck Norris bed sheets are made of sheet metal.
The Dos Equis man is actually a fictional representation of Chuck Norris' feminine side.
Lactose is Chuck Norris intolerant.
When Chuck Norris plays Charades, his contestants go deaf
There was never anything wrong with Achilles' heel until he got mad and decided to kick Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made Ferris work on his day off.
Chuck Norris puts the hard in hard-on.
Chuck Norris once won American Idol using sign language..
Little-known fact: Chuck Norris is simply normal, and everybody else is super weak.
I dared to look Chuck Norris in the eye - now I don't have a soul.
Anything Chuck Norris types on Microsoft Word is automatically approved by the spell checker.
Titanic did'nt sink because of an iceberg, it hit Chuck Norris on his morning swim...
Chuck Norris can shatter a table by staring at it. he can also do this to fetuses, houses, and human skulls.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks if he wants anything else and Chuck says, "No, the water is for you, I'm having whats left in the bar".
Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer.
Chuck Norris can save 15% or more on car insurance WITHOUT switching to Geico... or even buying car insurance.
Chuck Norris invented Hip Hop so that he could hate on Hip Hop artists and roundhouse kick them for his personal entertainment while watching Walker Texas Ranger on TV.
if you think the super hero's are good like superman Chuck Norris is all of them
When Chuck Norris has nasal congestion, his dried snot is so rigid that it requires a duech bag infusion rather than a nose drops remedy.
It's true that you're entitled to your opinion. But ignore Chuck Norris' opinion at your own peril.
Chuck Norris can pilot Evangelion Units 00-02 similtaneously.
Chuck Norris knew you before you were born!
Chuck Norris has personally hunted down and stuffed a yeti, sasquatch, Bigfoot and a wookie.
Chuck Norris first toy was a pistol a real pistol he had it since he was 3 yrs old.
Every year on February 2, Chuck Norris eats a live groundhog, predicts the weather around his mansion for the entire year with 100% accuracy, then bangs Bill Murray's daughter.
Chuck Norris can make sea creatures drown.
If you put a thousand monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters for a thousand years, Chuck Norris will beat the ever-loving SHIT outta you.
Chuck Norris's Seasonal catchy musical number... We kick you a Merry Chuckmas... We kick you a Merry Chuckmas... We kick you a Merry Chuckmas and a Chuckie New Year.
Testosterone takes Chuck Norris supplements
do you know why Pluto is no longer a planet? Because Chuck Norris says so
When Chuck Norris was little, his parents got him a playground. As he got older he got rid of it...it is now used to film Survivor.
Chuck Norris once started a fire with only what was around him. He was on an iceberg.
Mamalian urine contains uric acid. Chuck Norris' urine contains nitric acid.
The worst thing you can see on this planet is your own reflection in Chuck Norris eyes; it will also be the last thing you see.
Before pissing off Chuck Norris, Elmer Fudd was previously known as Jesse Ventura.
Chuck Norris did not look at Tupac or Biggie. He merely looked at them!
There are not enough light bulbs to change Chuck Norris.
Cleanliness is next to godliness... and of course, godliness is nowhere near Chuck Norris-ness.
The 'Chuck Norris Defense' always holds up in court. Always.
Chuck Norris thinks that concepts such as health and safety are for little pansy men with hairless faces who wince when they drink whiskey.
According to the Mayan civilization, the world will end in the year of 2012... They believe this to be true because they fear Chuck Norris is harnesting power for a final Round House Kick in that year
Chuck Norris can SEE invisible tape
Chuck Norris is so much trained in military tacticts 'that' once he killed an terrorist in afghanistan through bluetooth
Silly rabbit! Trix are for Chuck Norris!
Louisville Slugger makes professional baseball bats from kiln dried Chuck Norris turds.
When Chuck Norris goes ten-pin bowling, he simply throws the ball straight at the pins, shattering them. He hasn't achieved a perfect game yet, as the building usually collapses before then.
Superman has x-ray vision but can't see through lead walls. Chuck Norris can't see through lead walls either, but he can see over & around lead walls because he has periscope vision.
Chuck Norris always beats the meat when he goes to a restaurant.
Chuck Norris can burn a hole thru 2 steel plates with a single blink of an eye... with a constant stare he can patch the hole back up.
Kids wear Super Man pajamas, but Super Man wears Chuck Norris pajamas
A Chuck Norris sneeze packs enough power and steam to launch a fully loaded F/A-18 of the deck of an aircraft carrier.
when Chuck Norris do his high frequency voise all the whales in the sea became deaf
Chuck Norris ate a moose before he killed it.
Navy Seals use Chuck Norris' dingle berries to make cluster bombs.
Chuck Norris is the pricipal of the School Of Hard Knocks. Or as it's officially called, The Charles Norris Xavior's School For Gifted Bastard Offspring Of Lord Norris. It is responsible for all human death in the world.
Chuck Norris beat Pac-Man without doing anthing.He roundhouse kicked all of the ghosts until they had a pool of blood all over the screen and Chuck Norris commented "NOTHING STANDS CHUCK NORRIS'S FUCKING WAY!" That qualifies as doing nothing
Chuck Norris' copy of IE6 can render transparent PNGs correctly.
Chuck Norris made Stephen Hawking run for his life.
President Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Chuck Norris once said, "Walk prickly and carry a big soft."
Chuck Norris enjoys big game deep sea fishing. He generally uses a live moose for bait.
Every morning, Chuck Norris gets up and splashes boiling oil in his face to wake him up.
Chuck Norris is a better agent than perry the platypus, And all other agents.
Chuck Norris really doesn't need the Total Gym to stay in shape and score with women. That just happens naturally.
Chuck Norris can draw cash from ATMs using UNO cards.
Big Foot takes plaster molds of Chuck Norris' footprints
Chuck Norris recently shot a 59 for a round of golf using a hockey stick and a super ball.
Chuck Norris once created his own website, but it was soon removed because people never managed to get out of the website alive.
Only Chuck Norris can make a NERF battle turn deadly.
Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together !!
Light travels at 186,000 miles per second to run away from Chuck Norris.
For every foot that comes well packed with force, fear, pain and suffering, that foot is connected to a leg and that leg, with muscles like steel, is bound forever strong to a creature known as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once scolded his wife for putting a bag of carrots in the beer crisper.
Chuck Norris doesn't get an arrow to the knee; the arrow gets Chuck Norris in ITS knee
The historical earthquakes in Japan were caused by Chuck Norris digging up what we know as the Mariana Trench.
Few people are aware that the entire lead-in of the Iron Butterfly hit "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" was actually recorded solely by Chuck Norris playing a piccolo.
Chuck Norris won a Pulitzer for his "Karate for Dummies" booklet.
After he came home from his trip to Canada, Chuck Norris drove his Humvee around his neighborhood for five months before anybody had the nerve to tell him he had a moose still strapped to the hood.
When Chuck Norris does ab crunches, his abs actually crunch.
Kyle Reese said the Terminator was unstoppable. He should have seen Chuck Norris before saying that.
You need the perfect prompt to get good answers from ChatGPT. Chuck Norris just raises an eyebrow and the answer appears.
Please find below a complete listing of gifts that could be found under your tree on Christmas morning that might possibly be something that Chuck Norris can not kill you with:
Chuck Norris can make a snake hop.
Scientists claim to have created a fourth state of matter. Chuck Norris has already created ten others.
When you're in Texas don't look behind you, all you will see is Chuck Norris' boot impaling your face followed by a bright light.
Colnel Sanders actually died by eleven of Chuck Norris' kicks and punches.
Chuck Norris divorced his wife because he caught her littering.
Chuck Norris has a truck.That truck know is known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was scuba diving when he came face to face with a menacing Great White Shark. Chuck gave the shark a bloody nose and leisurely continued his dive.
Chuck Norris can ride a wheely on a unicycle. Chuck Norris can do a hand stand on his feet.
Chuck Norris once fought superman. that is why you only see superman in a wheel chair.
Chuck Norris Sleeps On The Cieling
When in front of Morpheus Chuck Norris doesn't choose between the red or the blue pill. He takes them both.
Chuck Norris can smell thngs with his feet.
Only God is allowed to edit Chuck Norris' Wikipedia page.
Chuck Norris can play dubstep on a harp.
A sniper tried to assassinate Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris broke his neck before he could pull the trigger.
Chuck Norris can win at the game Battleship by simply banging Rihanna.
Chuck Norris owns a playstation 360
Chuck Norris was recently seen taking his pet for a walk. His pet is a wolverine.
Chuck Norris killed the trolls. Happy now?
When Chuck Norris is in a particularly artistic mood, he likes to set up a large canvas and roundhouse kick people near it while wearing ice-skates.
Chuck Norris is the reason why bats can't see cause they took one look at him and they went blind.
If you write "To Chuck Norris" on an envelope and post it, it will be delivered to THE Chuck Norris, from anywhere in the world.
Young Chuck Norris would walk uphill to and from school.
Florida was only made a state, because Chuck Norris wanted some orange juice.
You can feel the wind off Chuck Norris' roundhouse just watching Walker, Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris doesn't need sleep. He gets plenty every time he blinks.
Chuck Norris once successfully landed a plane...in mid-air!
Chuck Norris once punched a guy so hard he turned into a gravestone.
Chuck Norris can eat eat a hammer and crap out an axe.
Chuck Norris can have his cake, eat it, then roundhouse kick you in the face with the extra power it gave him.
Chuck Norris once stared at a solar eclipse using a pair of binoculars. The seared binoculars are now the world's first dual lense 3D kaleidoscope.
A man once suggested to Chuck Norris that he might, for a change, want to wear a goatee. Chuck Norris cut him in half with a circular saw.
When the Mormons knock on Chuck Norris' door, Chuck Norris sends them to heaven.
Recently, a car salesman told Chuck Norris he needed to go green and drive a Toyota Prius. Chuck kicked the Prius across the parking lot then drove off in his Humvee.
Chuck Norris personally knows every SI swimsuit model. He should -- he banged each one of them.
If you step on a crack, Chuck Norris will break your back.
Chuck Norris does not kill you; your already dead when you see him.
Q. What did Chuck Norris do with his first 50 cent piece? A. After climaxing, he punched her in the face and took back his half dollar. Nobody charges Chuck Norris for his services!
Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before it's dark.
All men are born equal. Chuck Norris was just born more equal than everyone else.
Chuck Norris was cast for the first Terminator but was rejected because the cameras kept melting when put in his direction
Chuck Norris' bedroom has leather walls.
Every night, Richard Dawkins prays to Chuck Norris for forgiveness
Chuck Norris can make he planet tilt on its axis simply by shoving a billiard cue into the ground and leaning on it.
The original title for Clash of The Titans was Clash of The Titans with Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie ten seconds long.
When Chuck Norris asks to 'borrow' something from you, be aware that you will never, ever get it back and are in fact about to be kicked in the face.
Chuck Norris has the heart of a child........ HE KEEPS IT IN A SMALL BOX.
The most obvious upside to receiving a brutal Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is is that you will enter the afterlife knowing that you have died the most awesome death possible.
Chuck Norris refused to do a cameo for Mission Impossible 3 until they changed the title to "Something the Care Bears Did."
Chuck Norris will personally come over and baptize your son if you name him Walker or Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris is considered to be high-class Norristocrat.
people look up at the moon, while the moon looks down at Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can disassemble an Army tank with a spork.
Chuck Norris can headbutt himself in the face.
Tesla has Ludicrous Mode for insane acceleration. Chuck Norris has Roundhouse Mode. There are no survivors.
Chuck Norris' left buttocks can bench press 537 pounds while his right buttocks picks his nose.
Chuck Norris' business card simply reads "Congratulations, you've just been bitch slapped by Chuck Norris".
If you see Chuck Norris at a picnic, beware: Chuck Norris can decapitate anyone at any time with a flying paper plate.
Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris doesn't fly, gravity collapses around him.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this fact.
Chuck Norris' beautiful singing voice can make tanks break down.
By the time you see Chuck Norris in your rearview mirror, he's already kicked you in the face and is 10 car lengths ahead of you.
After downing a quart of Chivas Regal, Chuck Norris' turds look & smell like a steaming pile of freshly boiled Haggis.
Chuck Norris once stayed at the Hotel California and was allowed to check out...and leave.
Chuck Norris shotgunned a baker and a candlestick maker's heads off into a bathtub.
Chuck Norris doesnt clean house the house cleans him
Chuck Norris makes the speed of light wish it was faster.
If you play Stairway to heaven backwards you hear a satanic message. If you play the theme song to Walker,Texas Ranger backwards you hear Chuck Norris kicking the Devils ass.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever beaten was in a fictional movie, Way Of The Dragon, by Bruce Lee. Both Lee and his son Brandon would later die in mysterious curcumstances. This is not a motherfucking coincidence.
Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.
Pictures are said to be worth a thousand words. Pictures of Chuck Norris are worth 10,000 words.
How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? Don't ask Chuck Norris, he was considered a man by age four.
Chuck Norris never flushes. When he sits, the toilet gulps in fear.
If Princess Leia was really smart, she would have said, "Help me Chuck Norris, you're my only hope."
Chuck Norris is the only person to whom God has said," I did not know that!"
Some people die even though they don't deserve to. None of them are killed by Chuck Norris. He kills those who damn well fucking deserve it.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris once finished a round of golf at 72 under par.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago; however, death doesn't have guts to tell him.
Chuck Norris can read the top 10 Chuck Norris facts... Without even slightly grinning.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana and then defecated a gainomax recovery drink package...that is how gainomax is made
Chuck Norris has decided to start taking Square Dance lessons. He's tired of tap dancing on peoples faces.
The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' passport is his face.
Chuck Norris is just like you he puts his pants on one leg at a time exept when he does it he fights north Koreans
Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.
Both sides of Chuck Norris' bed are the wrong sides.
In the morning, Chuck Norris eats specially formulated Cheerios made of cement.
Chuck Norris does not walk dogs, his cats do.
Chuck Norris can eat or drink anything without a single stop while doing roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris always finds the G-spot.
Chuck Norris once woke up one morning thinking he was in the process of strangling a 1,200 pound walrus but then very quickly realized that he was actually masterbating.
Chuck Norris invented happiness when he spared a mans life, when the man told his family, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the jaw thus ending the man and adding another hair to Chuck's beard!
Ever wonder why your wife thinks your inadequate? Answer: Chuck Norris!
If Chuck Norris wore pink bunny slippers, it would be queer not to wear them.
When Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving and surfaces too fast he gets the straights.
If the Dos Equis guy were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume. If Chuck Norris were to pat you on the back, you would die.
In order to sleep, Chuck Norris has to roundhouse kick himself in the face approximately 754 times. Even then, he still tosses and turns a little.
Chuck Norris changed the law of BODMAS to ROUNDHOUSE
Chuck Norris' last birthday party was held at the La Brea Tar Pits where he enjoyed all of the party games and easily won the 'dunking for dinosaurs' event.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist says "I KILL YOU!". Chuck Norris kills you without telling you anything.
Chuck Norris can inflate a truck tire by blowing into the stem.
If you ask Chuck Norris how to be famous, he will show you. You will regain conciousness with a crowd around you.
Some people thought the Loch Ness Monster was a plesiosaur, others an eel. Chuck Norris thought it tasted like chicken.
If you ever do the stupid 'look out!! Chuck Norris is behind you!' joke, he will snap your fucking neck like a chicken bone.
Chuck Norris can drive an aircraft carrier by himself.
Chuck Norris writes all the lyrics for Cannibal Corpse. And are all based on personal experiences.
The Internet was invented by Chuck Norris so that he could deliver roundhouse kicks worldwide from the comfort of his own home.
Chuck Norris does not have red hair.... The color red is now known as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' Chihuahua, Pickles, had to be placed in quarantine after she chewed up Rocco, the neighbors Pit bull.
Chuck Norris froths his cappuccino with mountain gorilla milk.
Chuck Norris staged the moon landing in his back garden
Chuck Norris has proven we are alone in the universe. We eren't before his first space expidition.
Somebody was lighting up a Marley just as Chuck Norris cut a fart aboard the Hindenburg.
Chuck Norris once appeared on Cartoon Network. CN is now known as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can arm wrestle with both hands tied behind his back.
Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, But death is too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris shaves with a belt sander
Most people need a lighter when they burn down a forest. Chuck Norris only needs his ass and his lazer vision.
When Chuck Norris tells you to blow it out your ass, you'd better at least attempt it.
Jay z has 99 problems but Chuck Norris has none
Chuck Norris smokes cigars while scuba-diving.
Chuck Norris changed his name to jesus christ to avoid the pauperize
Chuck Norris doesn't eat ice cream. He eats U scream.
Chuck Norris won the Origami Championship in 1983...folding a rock
Chuck Norris can kill a man with only a beard stroke.
Chuck Norris doesn't get hangovers. He just gets pissed.
When Chuck Norris snaps his fingers in your face, you shit your pants.
Roses are red, violets are blue, and Chuck Norris' right boot-heel can fucking END you.
The snooze button on Chuck Norris' alarm sets back time two hours
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people
Chuck Norris wasn't born, he was ejected from a volcano
Mike Tyson knocked out Larry Holmes. Big deal. Chuck Norris knocked out a Buick.
Chuck Norris has a full-size tattoo of his face...on his face.
When Chuck Norris hears a Tsunami warning, he gets out his surfboard
Chuck Norris can literally turn your ass into grass.
When Chuck Norris became a Texas Ranger, the state was able to save millions by laying off the rest of their police force.
Chuck Norris has never eaten Hamburger Helper because Chuck Norris has never needed help. NEVER
Chuck Norris exercises on two treadmills running in opposite directions
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you over the internet. Even if your computer is turned off. Or you don't have one.
The reason why Chuck Norris is such a badass is he thought all the yo momma jokes were written about his mother.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemon's he makes orange juice
It is rumored that when Chuck Norris jerks off, it makes other people go blind.
Chuck Norris can sleep standing up...while laying down......awake.
why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET AWAY FROM CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris drinks his martini stirred, not shaken
When he wants to, Chuck Norris can literally shit nickels. This comes in handy when he's playing the slots in Vegas
Chuck Norris volunteers at the hospital, he pulls the plugs
Q:how many Chuck Norris's does it take to screw in a lightbulb A:none the lightbulb dosent want to be alone in the dark with Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can play chopsticks on the piano by using only one of his three tesicles.
Kurt Cobain didn't commit suicide... Chuck Norris just hates grunge music
Christiano Ronaldo is only good at soccer for one reason.Chuck Norris taught him how to roundhouse the ball.
Chuck Norris can block a punch with his face
Chuck Norris taught a cat to play fetch
The real reason the Titanic sank was because Chuck Norris want to get off and go for a swim.
Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of gum is Tarantula.
By some odd reason,Chuck Norris is everywhere.That means he can be roundhouse kicking you,and jesus at the same time.
The Grim Reaper recently started having nightmares. In his dream, the Reaper looks in his bathroom mirror and sees Chuck Norris right behind him.
Chuck Norris' sombrero is over fifteen feet in diameter.
Mr T once beat Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, In retalation, Chuck Norris invented racism
Miley Cyrus wanted a romantic relationship with Chuck Norris but in the end, she just wasn't able twerk things out with him.
Chuck Norris can break a rubber band in half
Chuck Norris recently did the ice-bucket challenge. And naturally, it turned to steam before it could hit him.
Chuck Norris glows black in the dark
Rambo is actually just a cheap Chinese knock-off of Chuck Norris.
The Iraq war is over because the US sent Chuck Norris to Iraq
Thanksgiving was fist celebrated by the Pilgrims near Plymouth Rock in 1621 because they were thankful that Chuck Norris wasn't there to kick thier ass.
Chuck Norris like to go for a nap outside during all of his flights.
Chuck Norris won every leg of the Tour de France by pedaling a unicycle backwards so he could view the face of every second place finisher.
Before he became Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby beluga whale into puberty.
Chuck Norris only agreed to be in 'The Expendables 2' so he could have the chance to sit all his co-stars in a darkened room and show them a DVD of him banging all their respective wives, and offer pointers to them.
Only snails and garden slugs produce more lovemaking slime than Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered egg fu yung, a banana split and a frappuccino at the local KFC and got it along with a complementary platter of lobster thermidor.
Chuck Norris went to the super bowl with only himself.
Chuck Norris can take a shit while his buttocks are tied around his front.
Chuck Norris' dartboard, which he has played with since childhood, is in mint condition with only a single hole in the exact centre.
Elon Musk dreams of colonizing Mars. Chuck Norris already has a ranch there. The Martians pay him rent.
Chuck Norris' apache name is Chuck Norris.
A decendant of Chuck Norris taught the Klingons how to fight. Chuck Norris found out about it last week & is pleased.
Trees bend because they're trying to get away from Chuck Norris. No matter how hard they try, they just can't get away due to his awesomeness.
Chuck Norris often goes to the zoo to spank the monkey.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to say NO to drugs.....They don't ask
All of the athletes caught using steroids were in fact injecting themselves with a drop of Chuck Norris piss!
Sadly, Chuck Norris was hit in a crosswalk by a classic old Mack Truck. Chuck was fine, the Classic old Mack was towed to a junkyard.
DOTA: 1st kill- First Blood 2nd kill- Double Kill 3rd kill- Triple Kill 4th kill- Monster Kill 5th kill- god-like 6th kill- Beyond god-like 7th kill- Chuck Norris-like
On the morning of July 30, 1975, Jimmy Hoffa scratched Chuck Norris' truck. Hoffa vanished later that day. Let this be a lesson for all.
In a new western movie his fellow actors ride horses. Chuck Norris rides a Velociraptor. Bareback.
Chuck Norris can take selfies of other people
Chuck Norris sells his dingleberries as breath mints in England, France, China & North Korea.
Chuck Norris can compare apples to oranges... they're both fruits.
Chuck Norris never asks you to 'step outside', he actually wants as many people to witness your brutal slaughter as possible.
Chuck Norris can lick his elbows, at the same time...
Chuck Norris' jetpack has a drink holder.
Chuck Norris ran around the earth 21 times when he ran out of beef stroganoff.
Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a cotton field in Mississippi instantly creating the first Levis factory as well as adorning his torso with a sleeveless denim vest
Adobe Flash runs on Chuck Norris' iPhone.
Life is like a box of chocolates until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you.
Chuck Norris eats haggis just for the fun.
Chuck Norris once farted while he was in New Orleans which caused 300,000 lemmings to become suicidal cliff jumpers.
Chuck Norris' Blackberry is a blackberry.
If you play the theme from Walker: Texas Ranger backwards, the universe will implode. That's why Chuck Norris once recommended that nobody ever do that, in his intimidating baritone.
Chuck Norris stopped a speeding bullet by telling it to.
Bruce the bad assed bouncer at Planet Hollywood mouthed off to Chuck Norris and now known simply known as the guy who bounced off Chucks fist.
Chuck Norris invented oatmeal when he round house kicked a quaker.
When Chuck Norris kills yo mamma don't cry he was just telling her he likes her sweater in karate
Chuck Norris writes documents with unintentionally blank pages.
Chuck Norris tried Professional Wrestling years ago under the name "Big Time". His opponents immediately re-named him "Death Penalty".
Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar. The bar promptly exploded as no one place in the known universe can hold that level of awesome.
Santa Claus believes in Chuck Norris.
Scientists warn about the AI singularity — the moment machines become smarter than humans. Chuck Norris calls that 'Tuesday.'
Chuck Norris riverdanced on Michael Flatley's face.
If you don't make these jokes funny, Chuck Norris will run all the way around the world in a millasecond and roundhouse kick you in the face!
Chuck Norris can repaint the mona lisa with no paint.
Chuck Norris went to the bottom of the bottomless pit, he was so pissed there was a bottom, he roundhouse kicked it and now it truly is bottomless
The pressure at the Earth's deepest point is more than 1000 times the normal atmospheric force, or about 1 tenth of the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris' earlobes can roundhouse kick your face through the back of your skull.
Chuck Norris discovered dark rings around Uranus. No, not the planet.
There is a huge marthon with 300 of the fastest people in the world.Do you know who was the fastest and has already won? You guessed it,Chuck Norris
There is no Zool. Only Chuck Norris.
Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once won on the TV reality show, Top Chef, by microwaving a corncob.
When Bruce Banner gets mad,he turns into the Hulk.When Chuck Norris gets mad,the Hulk turns and runs.
Chuck Norris' cut his own ambilical cord. (;
Chuck Norris is never in a DMV longer than two minutes. Most of this time is him shooting the shit with the staff!
Chuck Norris had a razor named after him, made by Gillette for women. He is the best a woman can get.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade which killed 50 people...then it exlpoded.
When the Bible said God made man in his own image, it did not mean all men. Just Chuck Norris.
If you accidentally sit in Chuck Norris' seat at the opera, expect to have a clarinet jammed up your ass by intermission.
Chuck Norris use to eat clowns but they taste funny.
A Klondike bar would do anything for Chuck Norris.
If I had a nickel for every Chuck Norris joke out there...
Chuck Norris drinks a special protein shake made entirely from blended chimpanzee brains.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the air around him and it bleeds wind.
Chuck Norris' ringtone is considered a weapon of mass destruction.
Chuck Norris is a man of his word. Every contract he signs, he signs in blood....Your Blood for doubting his word
Chuck Norris dosemt tell yo mama jokes, yo mama tells Chuck Norris JOKES
The Earth does not revolve around the sun...this is because the sun revolves around Chuck Norris, who lives on Earth
Chuck Norris dosen't sing in the rain. Chuck Norris sings in Category 5 tornado and hurricanes.
Chuck Norris was recently bitten by a vampire. After a couple drops of Chucks blood, the vampire screamed and burst into flames.
A Chuck Norris fact a day keeps his roundhouse kicks away.
On NCIS, when Gibbs wants your attention he gives you a head slap. When Chuck Norris wants your attention, he gives you a skull punch.
Senses come to their Chuck Norris.
All of Chuck Norris' limbs act as natural particle accelerators.
Brokeback Mountain isn't just a movie, it's also a pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris's backyard.
A UFO tried to abduct Chuck Norris once. When the aliens woke up three hours later, they had no memory of what had happened, but did find that their watches had stopped and their asses were really sore...
Chuck Norris can shove a CD in his mouth and music will come out his ears.
If Chuck Norris starts a Twerk flash mob in Syria the government of Syria would surrender.
Chuck Norris didn't like this joke, so he deleted it by roundhouse kicking it.
Chuck Norris doesn't "style" his hair, it lays down out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris always wins at "Battleship." No one has the guts to even fire a shot.
Chuck Norris is the only man ever to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
They stoped making Chuck Norris movies because you don't watch Chuck Norris he watches you
Chuck Norris came, he saw, he conquered--in reverse order.
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can rhyme 'orange' with 'lozenge'.
Chuck Norris isn't gay, he's just run out of women
Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.
Chuck Norris made the Big Bang when he was in space. The way he did it is by just clapping so hard that it made a "Big bang". Get it?
Many a class 5 Oklahoma tornado were started when Chuck Norris was preparing to lasso a steer.
Bloody Mary is afraid of saying Chuck Norris three times in the mirror
Chuck Norris isn't the man he used to be. He's even better.
Chuck Norris made up these jokes because he wants the public to be informed.
Inspired by the 2004 Athens Olympics, Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick dive while visiting New Orleans..it's now known as Katrina
A man once tried to beat Chuck Norris with his pennis,,,that man is now known as Rosie O'Donnell!!
Chuck Norris always have butterflies in his stomach because he eats butterflies for breakfast
There are only three things in the world that are a sure kill. 1. Kirby's Super Inhale. 2. Captain Falcon's Falcon Punch. 3. Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick.
Chuck Norris can swallow a bannana and make you look gay.
All the Chuck Norris facts you have read or ever will read took place within the first minute of him creating himself.
Chuck Norris can speak in any of 37 foreign languages in a Dyslexic format.
The earth was once called Pangaea until Chuck Norris stepped on a crack.
When Chuck Norris makes love to a woman, the Earth literally moves for her, at least at 3.5 on the Richter Scale.
the only thing that ever beats Chuck Norris to the punch is the face "said" punch is aimed at.
Chuck Norris can win a marathon hopping backward on one foot and pulling a brigade of tanks.
Chuck Norris invented the alphabets cos he was tired of being the only man with education.
Chuck Norris eats honey badgers for breakfast
Chuck Norris does not urinate. He excretes crystals of hardened urea, which are polished by Egyptians and used as diamonds.
Chuck Norris can punch you in the eye through Google Glass.
Chuck Norris taught spongebob how to make a camp fire. Underwater.
July 20, 1969....... The day Chuck Norris became the first black man to land on the moon.
It's good to be the king. Until Chuck Norris snaps your fucking neck from behind.
Over the years, Chuck Norris has had thousands of tattoos, but because of his healing factor they usually fade within a few hours. He just sometimes likes to impress his dates by getting big sleeves, back-tatts and a '666' on his forehead.
If Chuck Norris ever allowed a sports team to be named after him, that team would never lose again...except when Chuck Norris played against it.
Chuck Norris turned his clock back 25 years last night.
Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.
The City of Douche, NJ formally changed it's name to Hackensack after Chuck Norris spent a night in the local Motel 6 & simultaniously screwed 12 of the city's female taxi drivers.
Mother Teresa said Chuck Norris was the only man she ever wanted to marry.
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris can submerge himself in water and come out dry.
Chuck Norris was born May,6 1945. Nazi Germany surrendered May,7 1945. Coincidence? I think not.
Chuck Norris can look into infinity and see the back of his own head.
Chuck Norris once ripped a massive hole in the fabric of space-time several hours after a Montezuma's binge.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the universe in the face and said "get a job".
Weed should be legal cause i smoke it and so does Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was born during a firefight. The police captain threw him a Glock.
Chuck Norris can place his handprint in dry cement.
Sotheby's once auctioned off 1/4 lb of Chuck Norris toenail clippings for $400,000.
After seeing ''The Blair Witch Project'', Chuck Norris went into the woods, found the Blair Witch, and roundhouse-kicked it repeatedly until it died. When Chuck Norris pays 6 dollars to see a witch movie, you'd better show him a fuckin' witch.
A man once introduced Chuck Norris as Carlos Ray (Chuck) Norris at a Texas law enforcement convention. Scientists now have no proof that that man ever existed.
Eternal life use to exist until Chuck Norris uninvented it, now Chuck decides who lives and dies
Chuck Norris is the only man who can kick the shit OUT of you, then back in.
Chuck Norris loves to eat puffer fish.
If you scramble the letters in the words "Chuck Norris" you can spell the words "death" and "roundhouse".
Chuck Norris doesn't smile, his mouth smiles for him.
Mel Gibson pretended to be a Lethal Weapon. Chuck Norris is a Lethal Weapon.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked SpongeBob SquarePants in the butt so hard that SpongeBob had to legally change his name to SpongeBob ParallelogramPants.
JFK always said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what Chuck Norris can fit his schlong into'.
Elon Musk proposed the Hyperloop for high-speed travel. Chuck Norris already travels at that speed. He calls it 'walking.'
Chuck Norris doesn't use a microwave to pop his popcorn. He simply sits the package on the counter and the kernals jump in fear of a round house kick
Chuck Norris catches the bus one handed.
Chuck Norris has an uncredited cameo in Predator. His beard plays the jungle.
SpaceX catches rocket boosters with giant mechanical arms. Chuck Norris catches them with one hand while eating breakfast.
No one can be sure what Chuck Norris looking at, only that it has 5 seconds left to live
Chuck Norris can drive a pop-up camper.
When Chuck Norris was 5, he got 2 wheeler like his friends. . Their 2 wheelers were bicycles, Chucks was a Harley.
Lightning put Chuck Norris rods on the roof of its' house.
Chuck Norris can "get a grip on yourself".
Chuck Norris' giantic hemorrhoids smell like a potpourri sachet.
Chuck Norris broke the speed of sound. With his elbow.
Most people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris's beard and Mr. T mohawk are 2nd cousins!
The International Monetary Fund is in debt to Chuck Norris
As a teenager, Chuck Norris had a summer job. He was a lumberjack in the Sahara rainforest.
Chuck Norris chugs bottles of whiskey as if they were cans of light beer.
Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.
You know when you have so much fun it feels like time flies by so fast....... That's Chuck Norris telling Father Time to hurry up and get to the part where he roundhouse kicks you to death
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Sam Jackson is the only person to ever out-surf Chuck Norris at Chadderton baths. Incidentally, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face, and the force put him in a roundhouse induced coma for the rest of his natural life...
Chuck Norris spent a day digging a canal in the United States. We know that project as the Mississippi River.
Jesus is the only person in history who was not killed by Chuck Norris; when Chuck Norris kills someone, they stay dead.
Chuck Norris once paddled the shit out of Ronald McDonald with his own shoes. He later commented "Anyone who wears stupid big red shoes like that is a fucking clown."
The Illuminati still exist today only because they deliver Chuck Norris' pizzas.
Chuck Norris can ram a VHS tape into a DVD player and the motherfucker will play.
Chuck Norris eats tree leafs and shits 100 dollar bills.
As a toddler, little Chuck Norris would cut the paper into star shapes with a pair of hedge clippers.
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris knows how many kicks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop: one
Chuck Norris can eat Green Eggs and Ham anywhere he wants to.
Chuck Norris can make your nightmares come true. By roundhouse kicking you.
Chuck Norris was peeling an onion. He made the onion cry.
Chuck Norris pulls the gernade and throws the pin, on purpose...
Chuck Norris can kill you in 17 interesting and horrifying ways just by shaking your hand.
Chuck Norris is what the butler saw.
When Chuck Norris was in the Air Force, everyone, even the generals, saluted him first.
Chuck Norris studied abroad for two years. Then he studied her sister.
This is a web site for NEW AND ONLY NEW Chuck Norris Facts.If Chuck Norris finds out(and he will find out) you have posted one that you read or heard....Beg for Merciful God to take you and not Chuck Norris
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
Quantum physicists have found that the only source of energy immense enough to cause subatomic particles to travel backward in time as Neutrino's is Chuck Norris's roundhouse.
All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris makes joke about you
It is a scientific fact that the only reason the 'Dark Knight' trilogy was any good was because it was directed by a guy who had the same initials as Chuck Norris.
Liam Neeson was taken by Chuck Norris
You can get tetanus simply by staring at Chuck Norris' beard for too long.
Chuck Norris was so ugly when he was born that his mom threw him away and kept the afterbirth.
Chuck Norris commits armed robbery with other people's arms.
Chuck Norris doesn't care about complex numbers ... nothing is complex for him!
Chuck Norris can make a Snooker 147 maximum break with a single shot.
Chuck Norris can hit a bull in the butt with a banjo.
Chuck Norris smokes rolled-up newspapers.
Chuck Norris is the one. Not Keanu Reeves, or Jet Li, and DEFINATELY not Christopher Lambert.
When Chuck Norris brutally murders you, he will send the cleanup bill to your immediate family, and they'd better fucking pay.
Chuck Norris uses his pet guinea pig, Whiskers, to hunt mountain lions.
Chuck Norris can watch DVDs in a VCR player.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That is why there are no signs of life there.
Tigers developed stripes as an evolutionary strategy. Chuck Norris made them an endangered species anyway.
Chuck Norris once allowed a man shoot an apple off his head at 20 paces with a 12 gauge shotgun. He was unharmed of course.
When Chuck Norris visited Saudi Arabia, all the arabs run out.
Chuck Norris already knows that this is the 3,000th fact about him. It's just that Chuck don't give a fuck.
Chuck Norris never bows to royalty, or anyone, for that matter. If they wish to continue to live, they must bow to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris assults your senses with a crowbar.
The Amish fertilize their gardens with Chuck Norris shit.
Chuck Norris can literally slap you stupid.
Chuck Norris can pick an apple off a orange tree and make the best damn lemonade you have ever had.
Just one dollop of Chuck Norris' elbow grease can keep your car lubricated for up to fourteen years.
Chuck Norris officially announced today that he is in fact permantly retiring...your face from public view.
Chuck Norris can kill Liberty Prime in one hit with a BB Gun.
Chuck Norris and his toothbrush can take on a guy wielding a crowbar. And win.
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can get a quadruple-word score at Scrabble.
Chuck Norris ate the fat bastard who ate all the pies.
Robbin Williams in fact did not commit suicide because of depression. He new Chuck Norris was looking for him.
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer:To get on Chuck Norris's good side.
Freddy thought he was the true nightmare until he met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked and from that day Freddy hides in fear thinking a nightmare in texas
Chuck Norris had a Doctor that suggested he needed to eat tofu instead of red meat. Chuck immediately suggested the Doctor needed to have the teeth slapped out of his mouth.
Chuck Norris cleans his toilet with a backhoe and a WeedEater.
In honor of Earth Day, Chuck Norris threw a massive BBQ and kegger in the middle of the Amazon rain forest.
Mike wants to be like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris didn't have plush animals when he was a kid. He had guns to sleep with.
Chuck Norris trained his pet mountain lions to nurse baby sheep and later fed them back to the mountain lions thus perpetuating mountain lion existence.
Chuck Norris is the reason why you don't see Total Gyms being sold in garage sales
I fought the law and................Chuck Norris won.
Chuck Norris can go to places that say "Do Not Enter"
Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.
The Revolution will be televised on Chuck Norris's television.
Jesus wears a WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do) bracelet.
Chuck Norris can rear-end the car he's driving.
If Chuck norris punched the earth it wouldnt shatter it would create a black black hole and only let the the people live that he deemed worthy
In fact John of Saw doesn't play a game with people for fun, he was just doing what is mentioned in Chuck Norris biggest game to save his ass.
Chuck Norris's main method of preventing universe-shattering paradoxes consists of kicking people in the face.
Isac Newton discovered gravity because Chuck Norris chucked an apple in his face from the moon.
Chuck Norris once wrote..."I will personally roundhouse kick anybody in the face that missplells words!"
If you want to know if something is funny, just ask Chuck Norris. If he laughs, it's funny. If he doesn't, prepare to die, because you wasted his time.
When Chuck Norris Runs the Earth Spins Faster
Chuck Norris bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds on the dollar menu for 2 dollars. He then proceeded to round house kick the cashier
Some people look for religion, religion looks for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has been awarded the coveted 3 Michelin Star rating for plating a saucer of microwaved instant grits.
When speaking in public about his multitude of lifetime accomplishments, Chuck Norris always appropriately refers to himself in the fourth-person.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy.
Chuck Norris can beat you at a staring contest with his eyes closed
Chuck Norris' pager is still cool
Solid Snake has a beard because Chuck Norris bit his chin an it became a fist
Chuck Norris can us an abucus to solve differential calculus equations.
The rock band Queen wrote the song "We will rock you" about Chuck Norris fists.
Chuck Norris paints his house once a year with a human head.
You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him eat Tequila jello shots.
Chuck Norris views the Ironman Triathlon as "a nice cool-down."
Another way to explain a Chuck Norris Round House Kick to the face is "de-materializing."
Chuck Norris endorsed Blue-Ray.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you in the head, his foot will actually go through your skin, skull and brain, then reappear out the other side. This is not magic, this is power. And if you survive, that would be magic.
Chuck Norris is never surprised he is the surprise
Chuck Norris dosent need a cell phone if he talks you better listen.
Chuck Norris can pluck out individual Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms from a water molecule.
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck Is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can play slide guitar with a beer bottle. Or, failing that, your face.
Chuck Norris can write Haiku poetry in Hexadecimal without need for Binary Interface tables.
Chuck Norris taught Prometheus how to wipe his ass.
When Chuck Norris first tapped Katie Holmes behind Tom Cruise's back, he immediately went to the nearest couch retailer and stomped the shit out of every one. Then he tapped Oprah.
One day a boy seen Chuck Norris do some amazing things. He seen Chuck Norris grow metal claws from his knuckles, Shoot webs from his wrist, Turn green and huge, And have the number 4 on his chest. That boys name is Stan Lee
For most people, anger is simply a state of mind... For Chuck Norris, it is state-of-the-art.
Israel has a top secret Chuck Norris option.
Chuck Norris has over 600 miles of black belts in his home.
The crew in Apollo 13 could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they had used "Chuck Norris, please help us" instead of "Houston, we have a problem".
Chuck Norris once mistook your grandma with being a ninja. She is now 50 billion light years in space.
Chuck Norris can make a barbeque.Under water!
Superman's cape is made from Chuck Norris' chest hair.
Hercules is the strongest man in the world but he lost a game of mercy to Chuck Norris.
It can look like chicken, taste like chicken, and feel like chicken, but if Chuck Norris says it's beef...it's beef. NO QUESTIONS!!!
When Chuck Norris air-guitars, you can actually hear the real sound of a Gibson Les Paul coming from his air guitar.
Chuck Norris once took a crap on a crap table.. and won nine million dollars.
Chuck Norris interned for a glue company during his creche-school going days. During that course he invented the dark matter that holds the universe together.
Chuck Norris almost turned down a cameo in the movie 'dodgeball' on the grounds that he doesn't dodge balls.. He prefers them resting on his chin.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Upon meeting Chuck Norris, the first thing that strikes you is his sheer natural awesomeness - shortly before his boot strikes your face. Don't stare at Chuck.
The A-Team originally was to have only 1 member: Chuck Norris. But when NBC couldn't meet Chuck's salary demands, they had to replace him with the quartet of B.A., Face, Hannibal and Murdock.
Thank God Chuck Norris finally caught up with Joan Rivers.
Chuck Norris invented bifocals so people could get a good, clear close-up look of the fine detail of his snake skin boots a mere nanosecond prior to facial impact.
Chuck Norris only had one dime and rubbed it together.
Faces of Death is actually a biography of people that were given a choice other than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can understand Charlie Sheen.
Chuck Norris once stold a can of beer, pissed in it and sold it for a buck.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes life apologize.
Those who play chess with Chuck Norris don't "play" chess, they gamble with their lives.
What killed off the dinosaurs, go ask Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris killed the Earl of Sandwich and ate the fillets between two loaves of bread.
Chuck Norris once watched the video tape from the ring...........7 days later the ghost who crawls out of the well died.
Some people say that it is impossible go through through walls.... they have never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Chuck Norris has some gold, frankincense, and myrrh sitting on his mantelpiece, next to the three embalmed skulls of the so-called 'wise' men.
Google is named after the number of Kilograms Chuck Norris can benchpress.
People have often asked the United States, "What is your secret weapon against terrorists?" We simply reply, "Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris Plus your mom equals you
The Terminator wears a Chuck Norris tee shirt. .
If you Google search Chuck Norris and misspell it, it dosen't say "did you mean..." instead it says "run while you still have the chance"
Chuck Norris can get into a pissing match with a flamethrower and win.
According to Chuck Norris, nothing is black or white except bird shit.
The reason Charlie Sheen is winning, is because Chuck Norris isn't playing.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires, but he really likes gigantic toasted marshmallows.
When Chuck Norris touches a cactus , he doesn't get prickled. The cactus gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won American idol using only sign language.
Sticks and stones MAY break your bones, but with Chuck Norris it's a sure thing.
The 1951 UFO sighting was actually a man hole cover kicked by Chuck Norris.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is pretty much the same: inexpressibly awesome.
When Chuck Norris first laid eyes on you, you were already dead
Chuck Norris un-invented the Parabolic Hemorrhoid Disruptor which is why we have never heard of it before.
The Japanese surrendered in 1945 not because of the atomic bomb, but because they heard Chuck Norris was about to be unleashed upon them.
Attila the Hun soiled his pants when he heard that Chuck Norris was on sabbatical in the next village to be conquered.
Surely there are aliens in the universe, but guess why they don't come to earth? Chuck Norris does not allow them to.
Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas both witnessed Chuck Norris survive a nuclear explosion in an ice box.
Chuck Norris is who the lead singer of The Divynals thinks about when she touches herself.
Chuck Norris choked Kim Jong-Il to death with some spicy cabbage.
Elon Musk's Terafab will produce a terawatt of computing power per year. Chuck Norris produces that every time he cracks his knuckles.
Chuck Norris' scrotem smells like a potpourri sachet.
As a child, 6 year old Chuck Norris would walk 17 miles to the zoo on misty summer mornings just to suddenly wake-up a few silverback Mountain Gorillas in order to have something to play with.
When Chuck Norris sleeps, time stops.
Chuck Norris' childhood asthma allowed him to breathe underwater.
Chuck Norris is the reason why babies cry.
Chuck Norris' beard has a Twitter account, a Myspace page, and a bestselling biography by Mick Wall. A HBO miniseries is currently in the works.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in its chin. Its decendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris knows more about propaganda then Noam Chomsky.
Chuck Norris can mine obsidian with a wooden pickaxe. In Minecraft.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shit out oragami swans.
The fatalities in Mortal Kombat are just reenactments of Chuck Norris going ape shit durring a traffic jam.
Knock...Knock. "Who's there?" (Door crashes into room, building collapses, mushroom cloud) "Chuck Norris."
A bird in the hand is worth two in the tree. Chuck Norris is worth six hundred and sixty-six trillion dollars and the Budweiser brewery.
Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife. "Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning. That's how tough his beard is.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If Chuck Norris says to you "Truth or dare?", he's not playing the game...
Chuck Norris flosses with piano wire.
Kryptonite is actually a piece of Chuck Norris's nose booger
Great minds think alike, false. Great minds think like Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris puts the G in G-spot.
No...Chuck Norris does not like Kumquats but he does like to Kum-in-quats.
Chuck Norris can ignore the call of nature for 36 hours, but he can never ignore the call of duty.
What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? This is a trick question, for there can never be two of Chuck Norris.
Tim Tebow prays to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is sometimes looks so black, that when he jumps in a swimming pool it looks like an oil spill.
Pac-Man was based on Chuck Norris. They both eat souls.
Roundhoused kicked by Chuck Norris... Life ruined forever.
Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris called himself Walker because he doesn't need to run.
Chuck Norris participated in the 2005 home run derby, he has yet to receive the "Golden Ball".
Chuck Norris is the greatest matador who ever lived.
None of the world's greatest chess grandmasters will any longer play against Chuck Norris because he always Checkmates them on his first move.
Chuck Norris is a bulldozer with a beard.
If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed.
always capitalize Chuck Norris's name. always.
Chuck Norris is faster than Lightning.
Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad
Chuck Norris ordered some sushi in a Chinese restaurant and got one.
When smokey the bear comes up on tv saying "only you can prevent wildfires" most people don't see Chuck Norris in the background. To bad for those people.
If you sneeze on Chuck Norris, He'll sneeze at you back. Which will blow you away.
Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.
If you somehow survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, you'd still go to jail for head butting his foot.
Many people do not realize that Chuck Norris has been a bouncer for many, many years. EVERY guy that's ever mouthed off to Chuck has had his face bounced off the asphalt.
Chuck Norris is credited for carrying Hannibal's elephants across the Alps.
An elderly man accidentally let his Buick roll into Chuck Norris' new Lexus. Chuck was furious and got violent. Chuck punched out the Buick.
When you die you don't go to heaven, you go to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris despises the color yellow, and can stand it for only about 12 hours at a time. Which is why the sun hides daily.
Chuck Norris doesn't name his kids, he numbers them.
Chuck Norris' beard is what protects us from the sun's destructive ionizing radiation.
Chuck Norris can teach his teachings to teach better.
Chuck Norris rickrolls Rick Astley.
The only thing scarier than a black hole is a Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris look in the mirror, even his reflection runs off.
Chuck Norris doesn't take life for granted - he just takes lives.
Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris once shoved a watermelon up Gallagher's nose. Then shattered it with a flying roundhouse kick. Thus, proving that Gallagher is scatter-brained.
When Chuck Norris was in high school he was the star of his debate team. It was quite a feat for someone whose rebuttal was always; "no".
Chuck Norris is never late, NEVER.
how do you put out a forest fire? you have Chuck Norris fart on it.
Jason didn't drown Chuck Norris pulled him under
Chuck Norris can sky dive from the ground into the plane.
Converse were originally called Chuck Norris...not Chuck Taylor.
Chuck Norris' tongue is actually an atypical proboscis which he has adapted to absorb the last few drops of liquid & foam from the bottom of his beer cans.
When The terminator said "I'll be back", he was actually going to seek the help of Chuck Norris.
The universe was created from Chuck Norris' saliva that came out of his mouth when he sneezed.
Chuck Norris is the one who killed Chivalry.
Chuck Norris went to a beauty salon yesterday to get a pedi and have his crotch waxed. There were NO survivors.
During WWII, it was really Chuck Norris we dropped on Hiroshima.
Chuck Norris wants to feel you on the inside.
Chuck Norris uses a live Cobra for a hatband. It stays in place because it's frozen in fear.
Chuck Norris don't wait for Santa Clause,Santa Clause waits for Chuck Norris.
If you waste even one second of Chuck Norris' time you will spend eternity in hell.
They say lightning never strikes in the same place twice - tell that to last guy to receive a one,two punch from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's checks never bounce.
Chuck Norris threw your only trash can in the trash.
Chuck Norris can turn a cave into a tunnel.
Newtons third law of motion states that Every action has a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite in direction When Chuck Norris uses his roundhouse kick there is only action.
Chuck Norris didn't like watching Aaron Hernandez play football. So he sent him to prison so he wouldn't have to see him play again.
When Chuck Norris throws a ball, it crushes someone like a wrecking ball. I blame miley cyrus.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
on December 21 2012 the worlds ass will be putting up a vacancy sign and Chuck Norris foot is looking for a room and that's how the world will end
Chuck Norris told Mike Portnoy to leave Dream Theater.
if you dont agree with Chuck Norris god management beware of roundhouse kick so
In the late 1800's Chuck Norris' nickname was "Polio". And the reason for that nickname was not sloely because he has iron lungs.
Chuck Norris is the illegitimate father of Casey Heynes (look it up).
Chuck Norris has won the AFI lifetime achievement award, twice.
Chuck Norris has been to Jupiter; that's why there's the big red spot.
Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge him out of fear.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a huge alligator for over 9 hours before he realized that he was actually masterbating.
Chuck Norris won the National Pie Eating Contest by devoring 168 hotdogs in less than 10 minutes.
As a one-man band, Chuck Norris can do note-perfect renditions of Slipknot songs.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talking about
When Chuck Norris switches on his computer, it skips the bootup process and goes straight to the desktop.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a send button on his email, it knows its role.
If you try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.
Chuck Norris gargles with thumbtacks.
Actually, it was Chuck Norris that fought The Battle of Jericho. Joshua later played taps.
Chuck Norris can send his roundhouse kicks through the mail to everywhere, since he knows every address in the entire world! So don't be surprised if you see someone's head instantly explode from opening an envelope.
Once when Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McDouble at McDonald's because it was 9:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard that it became a KFC.
When you search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked," on any search machine, you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen, and it never will too!
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the nose off of the Sphinx.
Chuck Norris was so pissed, he accidently hit something that borke the moon.
Chuck Norris can stop a chainsaw with his hand. This is actually true. There is footage. Not surprising, as he brushes his teeth with one twice a day.
The Turing Test determines if a machine can think like a human. The Norris Test determines if a human can survive like a machine.
Listen. Understand. Chuck Norris is out there. He can't be reasoned with, he can't be bargained with...he doesn't feel pity of remorse or fear... and he absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.
Other fictional characters based on Chuck Norris: Han Solo, Boba Fett, Robocop, the T-800, the T-1000, Snake Plisskin, Dirty Harry, Conan, Jeff Lebowski, Kayser Soze, Wolverine, The Punisher, Iron Man, Walker: Texas Ranger, the Predator and Morpheus.
Chuck Norris' former 3rd grade librarian once "shushed" him for talking too loudly. Former librarian, Stephen Hawking, later became a world renowned physicist.
Chuck Norris knows who the fuck Alice is. She is now living next door to him.
When Chuck Norris eats brussel sprouts, his farts smell like cotton candy.
Rattlesnakes have died from Chuck Norris bites.
Chuck Norris can pinch an atom with a chopstick
Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.
Chuck Norris uses vice drips for clothes pins...and nipple clamps.
Some creatures fatally confuse Chuck Norris' beard with a rain forrest.
Chuck Norris can eat 3 bean burritos then go to the lake and take a whirlpool bath.
CHuck norris can kick u with his hands, and punch u with his feet.
The US Navy SEALs recently honored Chuck Norris with the 'Please Stop It, You're Making Us Look Bad' Award.
Chuck Norris: Chilling Hulking Undeniable Cunning Killing Not nice Order Ripped Righteous Invincible Sensational
Chuck Norris dosn't talk to people, he KILLS them Chuck Norris dosn't neet a friend to have fun.
Chuck Norris has Skynet installed on his laptop.
When Chuck Norris wa born 3 nurses and 2 doctors were killed when he shot them with 2 MPK-5's he had developed while in the womb.
Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good... but will kill you on sight either way.
Chuck Norris can win German Soccer Championship ...... with Schalke 04
It is possible to contract hepatitis from smelling one of Chuck Norris's farts.
Chuck Norris has been all over more co-ed ass than butterfly tattoos.
Sir Issac Newton developed his groundbreaking theories on gravitation after he recovered from being almost killed by an apple thrown by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris plays Jenga with brick buildings.
Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails... he rips them out with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.
Chuck Norris sells weapons-grade plutonium to school kids.
Chuck Norris loves to plant tubes of springing snakes in bodies to be autopsied.
Carly Fiorina once crawled through the entire Waco, TX sewer system just to watch Chuck Norris take a shit in a Taco Bell restroom.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a Rattle Snake... After 3 Days of suffering the rattle snake died!
Nightmares have Chuck Norris-mares.
Unlike Elvis Costello, Chuck Norris was Punching The Detectives.
Chuck Norris is the only grown man alive that can wear Superhero Jammie's and no one will give him crap about it.
Chuck Norris believes that for every action there is an equal and opposite roundhouse kick to your head.
Chuck Norris can TKO King Hippo in Mike Tyson's Punch Out.
Chuck Norris is so fast that when he stops he has to wait for his shadow to arrive.
Chuck Norris sometimes wishes that alcohol could affect him. He has drunk 5 bottles of whiskey a day for the past 20 years, and still nothing.
Every convicted killer in the history of the world has been innocent. They were all just covering for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris Can Cut a Box In Half With 1 Finger
Chuck Norris likes to joust with a flagpole and a quad bike. He also pole vaults this way (9 gold medals).
Chuck Norris can win a connect 4 in 3 moves
Alls well that ends well. But if your life ends with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, all is not well.
Chuck Norris uses the woods as the bathrooom.
"Elect Chuck Norris for Pope".
Chuck Norris took down god zilla in 1894.
The Cybertruck was designed to be bulletproof. It still can't survive a Chuck Norris glance.
Chuck Norris is the only co-star he can work with.
Jesus' last words, before giving up the ghost in Aramaic were "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani". The approximate translation into modern English: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, please don't roundhouse kick me!
Chuck Norris once threw a hand grenade into a crowd of 50 people , killing everyone of them.....then the grenade went off.
Chuck Norris plays Rusiian rulette with full barrels, and he always wins.
The invasion of America in Modern Warfare 2 insulted Chuck Norris by blowing up his house - he walked across the Pacific to Russia and promptly roundhouse kicked Moscow in the face, thereby ending the war.
Chuck Norris plays pool with comets and astroids. He shoots them into black holes.
Of course Chuck Norris doesn't use cleaning agents for his toilet, his piss does the job
Chuck Norris can kill a grizzly-bear with its own teeth.
In 2014 Chuck Norris invested 1 cent with a Wall Street investment firm. As of today he became a billionaire.
Chuck Norris has a pentagram tattooed around his cornhole.
Chuck Norris invented the word 'mortuary' so he would have a place to stack cadavers.
Chuck Norris roundhoused a hole in the roof of Cowboys Stadium so that God can watch his favorite team play.
Chuck Norris had what Meg Ryan was having.
Chuck Norris once paid a chef in Australia to cook him up a koala bear.
The U.S. Coast Guard has recognized Chuck Norris' gonads and nut sack as a legal personal floatation device.
Chuck Norris has an 11-inch prehensile tongue.
The movie 'Caligula' was inspired by the average Chuck Norris house party.
If iron and steel can talk, they wanna call Chuck Norris daddy.
Chuck Norris cleans his earwax out with a Dremel tool.
If you type in the best person in the world you get pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once possessed an evil spirit.
It's Chuck Norris' world; we are just living in it.
Chuck Norris created a mountain so heavy he could not lift it........ Then lifted it just to show who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Rocks learn from Chuck Norris on how to be rocks.
Chuck Norris keeps a shotgun in his wallet.
Chuck Norris actually means God in spanish, english, german, roundhouse, arabic, french, assassin, italian and just go with it or he'll kick you
When does the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick strike? The answer is, anywhere, at any time, so hide in a hole forever...just in case he is looking for you.
Chuck Norris wears a full samurai suit as pajamas.
'The Hurt Locker' is also the name of where Chuck Norris used to keep his homework, gym shorts, and assorted students and teachers he didn't like.
Haiti once talked about Chuck Norris' momma, we all know what happened to Haiti.
When asked how he wanted to die, Saddam Hussein requested a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head. Saddam died instantly.
Chuck Norris dosn't climb mountains; mountains climb Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris dedicates at least three hours every day to conceiving new life.
Chuck Norris knows it's funny until someone gets hurt... THAN IT'S HILARIOUS.
Chuck Norris' newest pet is a rocket pig. Chuck says the coolest thing about it is, if you ever get tired of flying your rocket pig, you can just turn it into bacon. Win, win!!
In the sport of bull riding staying on for 8 seconds is success. In Texas there is a sport called Chuck Norris riding. To date no bull has been able to stay on Chuck Norris for more then 3 seconds.
Chuck Norris wrote half of "War and Peace" in a day. Guess which half.
Harry Potter's teacher was Chuck Norris
Salman Rushdie is afraid of the fatwa on him... but is utterly terrified that Chuck Norris is even slightly irked at him.
Gordon Ramsay features Chuck Norris' Toaster Strudel recipe in all of his restaurants.
Fanboys such as Genwunners are made when Chuck Norris is hungry for the exact part of the brain that accepts opinions.
The reason why the truth hurts, is because Chuck Norris round-house kicked it in the face
Chuck Norris`s calender doesn`t need a leap year. Its more acurate than ours.
Chuck Norris is here to kick ass and take names, but doesn't bother to do that second thing.
There are only two true wonders of the world... and they are both down Chuck Norris' pants.
Chuck Norris changes the weather with his moods.
Chuck Norris really wants to hurt Boy George.
Chuck Norris can deliver justice without violence, but it is less fun that way.
Like a good neighbor, Chuck Norris is there to roundhouse kick you in the face.
Reece is back, Chuck Norris spam!!!
Chuck Norris once held one nostril shut while blowing an incredible snot volley from the other nostril. This action caused an epiphany among toy manufacturers that directly lead to the invention of the Nerf Blaster.
Why did bruce lee dress up like Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragons? Becase bruce lee was to scared to face Chunk Norris the lee is.
Have you ever wondered why Chuck Steaks are so tough. You guessed it.Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris threw a fit once. It took God six days and seven nights to fix the damage.
The secret to Five Hour Energy is that there is a drop of Chuck Norris sweat in every bottle.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago but death jst hasnt built up the courage to tell him yet
Chuck Norris has no belly button. He was born with a black belt instead of an umbilical cord.
Whenever people are holding wooden boards, Chuck Norris breaks them in half. Then he breaks the boards.
Lothario was a real Chuck Norris.
the real reason king kong fell was because he realized he had awaken Chuck Norris so he commited suicide.
Chuck Norris predicted the Mayan Calendar.
Chuck Norris once wrestled Zeus to a draw
Chuck Norris lives forever. When he was young, cave people used his beard hairs as tips for spears.
It can be either called 'the war against terrorism', or 'the war FOR Chuck Norrism'.
Chuck Norris can Fed-Ex a choking.
A girl asked Chuck Norris to shave his beard. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her, and she grew taller and her hair grew shorter. That girl is now Justin Bieber.
Chuck Norris once dialed 911 and got a busy signal from his own phone.
Chuck Norris can score a hole in zero in golf.
The dinosaurs are extinct because 70 million years ago Chuck Norris farted.
It doesn't matter what those bitch-ass Rolling Stones say, Chuck Norris CAN always get what he wants.
The Chinese started learning American English so that they could praise Chuck Norris in English.
My grand-father has Chuck Norris' head mounted on his wall.
Bowser was once like any other Koopa- until Chuck Norris breathed on him.
Chuck Norris won master chef Australia by cooking 2 minute noodles.
Jedis in Star Wars don't use The Force... they use CHUCK NORRIS... with Chuck's Premission.
Chuck Norris has Internet connection on his classic black Bell telephone.
The wind howls because of Chuck Norris
The AC/DC song "Thunderstruck" was inspired by Chuck Norris breaking wind.
Chuck Norris is so ruthless, he will punch out any old bitch named Ruth on sight.
The Big Comfy Couch was made for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris finally defeated Joan Rivers.
Chuck Norris has won many a contest merely by showing up.
Chuck Norris loves your mother.
Chuck Norris can eat an a whole plate of fried rice in under 1 second... using a single chopstick.
When you die, Chuck Norris' life will flash before your eyes.
MMA fighters wet themselves when Chuck Norris enters the room.
"Smarty Had A Party" dinnerware was invented because Chuck Norris might show-up.
Chuck Norris participated in the Running of The Bulls but was banned from ever doing it again. All the bulls ran from Chuck and wouldn't come back.
Chuck Norris name is in the webster's dictionary under roundhouse kick and above god.
Chuck Norris can sneeze your face off.
Chuck Norris was once court-martialed. He was immediately promoted to five-star admiral.
Chuck Norris's favorite word? CHORUS.
There are two types of people in the world: those who agree with Chuck Norris and those who are wrong.
Chuck Norris hides in plain sight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has hit 5 home runs while playing in the Super Bowl.
If Chuck Norris is late....time better slow the fuck down!!
If you fight against Chuck Norris, there is no retreat and no surrender. You're dead before you can do either.
when Chuck Norris is asleep the sheep count him
Chuck Norris' beard also works part-time as his pubes.
King Canute failed when he tried to make the ocean waves obey him. Chuck Norris succeeded.
The skidmarks in Chuck Norris' underwear are actual tyre-tracks.
Chuck Norris is, and has always been where it's at.
Chuck Norris once abducted aliens.
Chuck Norris beer-bongs tequila.
If Chuck Norris and a Grizzley bear go after the same salmon, Chuck will be the one having smoked salmon for dinner.
Chuck Norris has a .50 BMG Derringer.
When a cop pulls Chuck Norris over for speeding, THE COP has to explain himself to Chuck Norris.
Mother Nature doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not forget his friends and loved ones birthdays. He decides when their birthdays are.
Chuck Norris doesn't chop trees in minecraft to get wood, the trees just falls every time he's near them.
God helps those who help themselves. Chuck Norris slaughters lazy assholes by the thousand.
Chuck Norris could find you. with his eyes closed.
Death is not the greatest loss in life Chuck Norris is if he died but Chuck Norris doesn't die for know one
If Kobe Bryant can throw a basketball 20m and shoot, Chuck Norris can throw Kobe Bryant 30 m and score.
Chuck Norris' buisness cards simply say: 'Look at me.' You will then be staring down the barrel of a twelve-guage.
Chuck Norris has a heart as black and cold as the most lifeless corners of outer space.
Optimus Prime owns a Chuck Norris action figure
Chuck Norris' mom always looks forward to every Mothers Day. Her loving son always provides her favorite gift...an uppercut.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Then Chuck Norris mowed her down with his snowmobile and finished her off.
If you stare at the american flag for long enough, you will see a 3-D image of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fails at jump roping.
Chuck Norris graduated from preschool, high school, and college before he was even born.
Just a little over 50 years ago, Chuck Norris once helped President Kennedy mount a horse when they went horseback riding in Texas. He didn't later help Jack off the horse.
A sign at the entrance to NorrisWorld: 'You need to be at least this tall (30 microns) to die from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.'
Chuck Norris is the only guy in a nudist colony who can carry two cups of coffee and nine donuts.
Chuck Norris can draw a perfect circle with a ruler
Chuck Norris once played a game of basketball with Walt Disney's head.
Chuck Norris once took his pants off in a Thanksgiving Day parade. All the horses wept. Male and female.
Chuck Norris uses wasabi as toothpaste.
Everyone knew the world was flat,but they especially didn't want sail around the world because they knew if they fell then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick them.
Chuck Norris can build a plane out of MacGuyver.
The deer and the antelope roam only where Chuck Norris gives them permission to.
If you ask Chuck Norris to wear a seatbealt, he WILL belt you.
TV commercials advertise Gorilla Glue. Gorillas repair things with Chuck Norris Glue.
Chuck Norris can rap over 700 syllables a minute
All e-mail from Chuck Norris is preceded by this warning: Open at your own risk. Enough said.
Chuck Norris will soon open his own fried chicken restaurant chain: RKC-- Roundhouse Kickin' Chicken.
Chuck Norris favorite pastime is scrapbooking.
don't send Chuck Norris e-mail. if it annoys him he can round house kick you thru Cyber Space!
When Chuck Norris takes a crap this is what's called an earthquake.
When refueling his Hummer at the gas station Chuck Norris likes to smoke big fat cigars and stare at the attendant.
Once Chuck Norris forgot to cover his mouth before he sneezed, ever since the Moon has crates!
Chuck Norris is so old-school, he plays a coal-fired guitar.
The official title for the Academy Award for Best Actor is "Best Actor Not Named Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris CAN fool the Children Of The Revolution. Then roundhouse kick them in the face.
Chuck Norris was able to defeat Superman because his beard is made of pure kryptonite.
Google asked Chuck Norris where to search.
Chuck Norris made Tom Petty back down.
Chuck Norris' anniversary present for his wife was giving birth to the baby for her.
Chuck Norris' beard is like the facehugger from Alien.
Chuck Norris was actually the original Spock in Star Trek, but was fired because instead of saying 'live long and prosper', he would always say 'die hard... with a vengance'.
Chuck Norris ended world hunger with one knuckle sandwich.
Chuck Norris doesn't need OnDemand cable services. His TVs show what he wants to watch and when out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris invented time, so people know when theirs is up.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear sunscreen when he is in the sun. The Sun wears Chuck Norris Screen.
Chuck Norris did the worm up K2.
If you ever make the mistake of going up to Chuck Norris and saying 'what's up?', don't be surprised when he says 'you, asshole' and uppercuts you into the lower ionosphere.
Tim Leatherman, inventer of the Leatherman multitool carries a Chuck Norris Tool.
The raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran are actually dehydrated Chuck Norris boogers.
Chuck Norris once read the entire Merriam-Webster dictionary backwards in pig-Latin, while roundhouse kicking 30 ninjas.
"We will never know how brave Chuck Norris till we discover something in the universe that Chuck Norris is actually afraid of." - Socrates Socrates didn't die a natural death.
Popeye needs spinach to kick ass. Chuck Norris needs no such assistance.
Considering the rate at which his chest hair has spread to engulf most of his face, one must assume that Chuck Norris is going to look like a Wookiee by the end of this decade.
Chuck Norris can eat chicken noodle soup with a knife.
Chuck Norris's shadow weighs 250 pounds and can kick your ass .
Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a statue.
In the year 1873, the then world super power Albertania waged a war against Chuck Norris. No one has heard about Albertania ever since.
Chuck Norris was recently inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for his superlative rendition of the Iron Butterly hit song, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" which he sang while playing his hand made dulcimer.
Chuck Norris can turn the world on with his smile, but he prefers to inspire fear with his scowl.
When Chuck Norris farts in an elevator, all the other passengers hold their breath and say "good one, Chuck"!
Chuck Norris was seriously considered for all the major roles in the Avengers movies, except of course the female characters Black Widow and Hawkeye.
Chuck Norris once got into a pissing match with a fire hose and won!
The end of the world is scared to come because Chuck Norris will round house kick is ass.
You can rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris" to spell "Roundhouses".
Never tell a secret to Chuck Norris. Chuck will never tell but he'll kill you to be sure the secret stays with him.
There was no world recession, just Chuck Norris desiring a discount.
Chuck Norris's second child is Tim Tebow
Chuck Norris once was on a one man NFL team, he won the super bowl 4 times in a row on the same day
Contrary to popular belief, there are actually 5 classical elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris takes his feet to gun fights.
Zeus from Greek myth fathered many children, has a beard, and killed his own father. No, Zeus is not Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris killed Zeus for copying him.
Whenever Chuck Norris leaves a building, it explodes in dramatic form while Chuck walks away nonchalantly. Having a home is difficult for Chuck.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
The Holy Grail has not been recovered yet because nobody is dumb enough to try to take away Chuck Norris' favorite beer stein.
If Mohammed wont go to the mountain then Chuck Norris will fucking drag him there.
Chuck Norris's s- foils are always in attack position.
When Chuck Norris fires a gun, he never misses. The bullets are too scared to fail him.
Terrorist once tried hijaking Chuck Norris's privat jet. Instead what happened was the world record broken for farthest boot up somebody's ass.
Chuck Norris named his left and right arms Truth and Justice. He has to unzip to show you The American Way.
Chuck Norris once made a classical music station play the theme to "Walker: Texas Ranger" for 12 straight hours.
Whenever Chuck Norris moves from point A to point B, the Jaws music plays, and no one has been able to figure out where it's coming from.
Superman is based off of Chuck Norris: They both are unstoppable.
Any questions to Chuck Norris regarding his spiritual beliefs will be met with a hearty chuckle and a savage beating.
Chuck Norris once roasted an entire moose on the manifold of his Hummer.
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Chuck Norris can recite the alphebet sideways
Chuck Norris skipped all grades simultaneously, including college. When he was two.
Chuck Norris knows 28 words in 32 distinct languages that rhyme with orange.
When Chuck Norris throws a game of 'Washers' he uses a Maytag.
In the Star Wars universe, Chuck Norris regards a Star Destroyer as a slice of pizza. They do HIS bidding.
On Chuck Norris' birthday, one lucky child gets chosen to be thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for their life.
Chuck Norris can curdle water just by looking at it.
Chuck Norris made the Kessel run in less than three parsecs.
NASA scientists concur prolonged visual exposure to Chuck Norris can result in: blindness, nausea, and partial paralysis.
Chuck Norris has never shot a round of golf with a score above -73. It would have been -76 but the Eagle he shot on the Par 5, 17th hole was still in flight when he hit it.
Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled two elephants just mere seconds after birth using his own umbilical cord.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bubble-bath. He simply farts in the water.
Back in 1940, when Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey. That is how he grew muscles on his 1st birthday.
Chuck Norris can down a shot before he even orders it.
Chuck Norris can speak japanese so fluently your ears will bleed.
Contrary to popular folklore, Ebenezer Scrooge became filled with the true spirit of Christmas after he found out that Tiny Tim is Chuck Norris' nephew. And the fact that Chuck Norris relentlessly kicked his ass all night long on Christmas eve.
The Swiss all own a Chuck Norris Army Knife.
Chuck Norris invented spectacles so even short-sighted people could see how brilliant he is.
Chuck Norris has to use deodorant not to cover up any offensive odor, but to keep women from throwing themselves at him when they smell his essence.
Chuck Norris can make his world class Texas chili in your gramdmother's old Crotch Slot
Christians are afraid of Satan, Satan is afraid of Chuck Norris
Most tough eat nails for breakfast, Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at The Home Depot.
Doctor who's real name is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was asked if he had ever gone skindiving? Chuck replied "no, but I've gone muff diving hundreds of times".
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you around the world.
what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object? nobody knows there is only one Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once gave a canniption fit to a hissy.
Originally Schools had blocked websites. Chuck Norris can go in blocked websites.
There are two types of people in the world: those who have been killed by Chuck Norris, and those who will be.
When Chuck Norris was in high school he played baseball. He did not use a bat, he just used his fist to punch the ball out of the park.
Chuck Norris' sextape was in the Ark of the Covenant
When Chuck Norris walks up to you, then without a word turns around, bends over, and strikes a match between his legs, know that you are about to die the most unbelievably awesome death possible.
Chuck Norris doesn't text message with him fingers. He uses his nose.
The main reason why Chuck Norris regrets inventing time travel is because he hates people from the future constantly beaming into his house to talk to him. Needless to say, he has definitely disrupted some future timelines.
Chuck Norris laughs Death in the face
Chuck Norris' treehouse has a basement.
Chuck Norris can write a haiku with one syllable.
Chuck Norris has venom glands instead of tear ducts.
When Chuck Norris tears out your heart and squeezes with one hand, the immense pressure results in a blood diamond
Only Chuck Norris can prevent a forest fire.
Chuck Norris made a bath take a shower.
if Chuck Norris wanted to recycle, he would recycle your face.
Chuck Norris dosn't shoot his gun... he's killing the bullets.
The instant Chuck Norris came out of his mother, his first words were, "Which one of you motherfuckers is Julius Caesar?" The senators took the rap for him.
Chuck Norris invented beef jerky by throwing a bull through a chain-link fence.
Chuck Norris likes sunny days and long walks on the beach....but only after gunning down a Taliban pre-school.
If Chuck Norris cried, his tears could replace rocket fuel.
Chuck Norris invented the olympic games. with his left pinky.
When a biker falls while riding he gets a permanent case of road rash. When a ninja falls fighting Chuck Norris he gets a permanent case of Chuck rash.
Chuck Norris is the first and only person to kill someone on every continent of the world. He achieved this distinction in 3 days in 1972.
Nokia connects people but Chuck Norris disconnected the Black Berry Messaging Service
When Chuck Norris was young his friends had 10 speed bikes. Chucks bike had warp drive.
When Chuck Norris recycles paper it turns right back into trees
Nothing is more American than apple pie. This is not true. Nothing is more ANYTHING than Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can breathe water and drink air.
Curators at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum had to remove the life size wax figure of Chuck Norris one day after they first installed it. It seems they found Chuck Norris' wax foot deeply inbedded in the face of the Michael Jackson figure.
If the Grinch stole Chuck Norris's Chrismas, He has 3 seconds to give it back.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to pay $4.00 a gallon for gas. His vehicle is too frightened to ever run out.
Chuck Norris made Russell Crowe cry.
Before you fight Chuck Norris, he makes you write your will.
Wolves howl at the moon. Chuck Norris laughs at us.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Chess without moving his pawns.
If you write down Chuck Norris's name in the Deathnote, the God of Death would simply assume you wish to commit suicide.
Chuck Norris trims his pubes with a weed whacker.
Chuck Norris knows what he's gonna get in a box of chocolates
chucky looked under the bed... he never came out people today say it was CHUCK NORRIS
Bill Gates recently received a video tape of Chuck Norris holding up Steve Jobs' severed head and repeating 'you're next, egghead'.
Chuck Norris has many private vacation homes. Some examples are: Area 51, The Bermuda Triangle, and Fort Nox.
Chuck Norris never kill people. There are only people who killed themselves by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris irons his clothes by wearing them.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Mr Lawrence Thread so hard all that was left of his name was Mr T.
Chuck Norris can slit your throat with his pinkie toenail.
Everybody knows that Chuck Norris blows smoke rings when he smokes cigars. But did you know that after eating Texas Chili, he often shows-off by blowing blazing fart rings.
Chuck Norris wrote down that 1+1=4 on a math test and got it right.
If Chuck Norris was a twilight vampire, he wouldn't sparkle, he'd blind you for life b/c nobody will ever see Chuck Norris as such a travisty
Chuck Norris told Ripley to Believe it or else!
Chuck Norris can retract his beard, wolverine-style, at will. It makes that metallic sound and everything.
Google queries Chuck Norris' brain for search results.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with notebook paper
McGayver can make a plane with anything. But Chuck Norris comes and takes the plane.
You have no idea just how many hemorrhoids one person could possibly have until Chuck Norris takes his foot out of your ass.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris once did a woman so hard she looked like an exploded hot pocket.
It's the assholes like John West that Chuck Norris brutally roundhouse kicks, that makes Chuck Norris the best.
7 seniors took Chuck Norris Snipe hunting in the woods when he was a freshman in high school. He killed 19 Snipes, a grizzly bear and 3 timber wolves. Oddly, the 7 seniors are still missing.
BAD IDEA-Following Chuck Norris on Twiter WORSE IDEA-Following Chuck Norris in person NO ONE follows Chuck Norris and lives
NASA has found a replacement for the space shuttle. They are calling it Chuck Norris's arm.
Chuck Norris' parents tried to make him eat peas when he was a kid. Chuck Norris ate his parents.
CHUCK NORRIS ONCE DONE THE SPLITS ON 2 VAN DAMMES
If you add Chuck Norris to your friends list, all your other friends will instantly disappear. You don't need them anymore.
All of Chuck Norris' fingers are trigger fingers.
Human beings are roughly 60 percent water. Chuck Norris is roughly 80 percent whiskey, and the other 20 percent is barely restrained fury.
Chuck Norris went bungy jumping without a harness.
The actual definition of thunder is Chuck Norris coming to kill you.
Chuck Norris uses the dimensional tear in his kitchen as a garbage disposal.
Chuck Norris' jock strap has 2 bag restraint holders.
Chuck Norris can sing the alphabet from Z to A
Sorry, ..., but this fact has been deleted by Chuck Norris. It will be reposted. Chuck Norris will not delete it that time.
Chuck Norris can squeeze blood from a stone. He must feed his children.
Chuck Norris killed Death twice.
Chuck Norris was hiking and suddenly came face to face with a huge Grizzley bear. After a desperate foot chase, Chuck caught the bear, slapped it stupid and told it "don't EVER do that again".
Every time an earthquake happens, we know that Chuck Norris is banging a chick from Haiti.
Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music. Music listens to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Army had to change their slogan, "Army of One".
a man knocked on Chuck Norris' door and asked for an autograph. Chuck delivered a fatal Round House. A few days later, feeling sorry he walked into his back yard and signed the head of the carcus
Chuck Norris used to bulls eye Lukes T-16 in his T-16 back home.
Chuck Norris can make love AND wage war at the same time.
Chuck Norris set a world record in the 100 yard dash at 8.2 seconds. In doing so, he also set the world record for the mile run as he lapped all opponets in the 100 yard dash 18 times.
A circus clown once bumped into Chuck Norris. It took him only three seconds to twist the clown into an animal balloon.
Chuck Norris once had an awkward moment. Just to see what it feels like.
Chuck Norris just bought Gov Rick Perry's family hunting property. He immediately repainted the sign to read: "Gimme Some Head".
"Everybody Hates Chris" was originally called "Chuck Norris hates Chris"
Chuck Norris did not attend school. The school attended him. Chuck Norris did not go to college. The college came to him.
Chuck Norris was issued his first driver's license at the age of 16...seconds.
Chuck Norris didn't go to college, the college came to him.
Chucky is actually Chuck Norris' son.......wait what the fu-
This Halloween, Miley Cyrus wants to go Twerk or Treating at Chuck Norris' house. Epic failure!
When it is raining, Chuck Norris is thinking of something sad.
Many cinemas in the south-west feature sold-out all-night marathons of Chuck Norris' Total Gym infomercials.
Chuck Norris is the only man that is allowed to have his cell phone on in a hospital, because he is the one that puts people in the hospital
Chuck Norris drugged Bill Cosby. Cosby woke up nine hours later in front of his computer, where he realized he just told the net to meme him.
A groundhog never sees its shadow. It is the shadow of Chuck Norris. You know the rest.
When Chuck Norris watches SpongeBob SquarePants, SpongeBob doesn't laugh.
Chuck Norris won the 2014 Pulitzer Prize for his 874 page short story called "Me, Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris promptly killed Video for killing the Radio Star.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can correctly pronounce emotocons.
Chuck Norris can benchpress over 400-with his abs.
Chuck Norris' middle name is 'Eywa'.
CHUCK NORRIS GAVE TO CHARITY...charity gave back.
The term 'fracking' can also be used to describe Chuck Norris urinating through solid rock.
Chuck Norris doesn't look for religious guidance, religious guidance looks for him
Chuck Norris declared checkmate against the 2012 chess champion Viswanathan Anand in under 4 moves. Using only the boot from monopoly.
Chuck Norris' car has homicide doors
The Swine Flu got started when a pig oinked in Chuck Norris's presence.
Chuck Norris' last kid was born 10 months after his 23rd vasectomy.
Nobodies perfect... Except Chuck Norris that is.
Chuck Norris fooled The Who again.
Chuck Norris makes "smart bombs" look like a bunch of knuckleheads.
see the picture on top that has Chuck Norris' face on it? stare at it too long, and you will get a imaginary roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris eats Skylanders Toys and craps out a huge gigantic fire-breathing dragon
The rope that they made to hang Saddam Hussien was made out of Chuck Norris' beard hair. It never released its grip.
Chuck Norris does make friends with salad.
Chuck Norris knows what Scotty doesn't.
While waiting at the drive up window at the local KFC for his order of lobster thermidor, Chuck Norris chugged a gallon of Wild Turkey. When his order arrived, he barfed in the cashiers face and drove off laughing.
Strange but true: auto tune cannot improve Chuck Norris' voice or farts - he is utterly pitch perfect, or, to be more accurate, pitch perfect is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can tell the time at night with the use of a flashlight alone.
Chuck Norris can kill you with his eyebrow.
When Chuck Norris farts he dutch-ovens the world
In the original making of Scarface when Tony said "say hello to my little friend" Chuck Norris appeared. However, the director cut it out said it was too gruesome for a R rated movie.
Chuck Norris takes everything for granite.
Chuck Norris hates land mines because everytime he steps on one he has to go out buy a new pair of boots.
If Chuck Norris had signed on to be on NBC's A-Team, the team would have needed only one member.
Newton discovered gravity beacause Chuck Norris threw an apple at him
"Let bygones be bygones" is always subject to Chuck Norris' approval.
Slender Man used to be morbidly obese before his Chuck Norris beatdown.
Chuck Norris loves how the harvest moon glistens upon hunted flesh.
Every episode of Fear Factor is based off what Chuck Norris did last weekend.
When Chuck Norris was only 3 months old, his mother swam nude through the Okefenokee Swamp just so he could learn how to suckle blood from leaches.
Chuck Norris does not ask when stores open. Store managers ask "Mr Norris, when would you like us to open".
Thanks to Chuck Norris, the astrological sign 'Virgo' will now have to be renamed 'Pregno'.
Jack Bauer needs 24 hours to save the day. Chuck Norris needs 24 minutes.
Chuck Norris endorsed Ted Cruz for President, thus singlehandedly ending the need to hold elections forever...
when life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice...then punches life in the fucking throat..Chuck hates lemons
Steve Jobs recently rickrolled Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have elephantitis on his balls. He is just well-endowed.
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker with a three of clubs, an empty cd case, a broken coaster and two triscuts.
Chuck Norris once rhymed "pain" with "balls." No one called him on it.
The 7 wonders of the world were actually Chuck Norris' science fair projects. And Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the world.
Siri, Alexa, and Google Assistant all have one thing in common: they refuse to answer when you ask 'Can you beat Chuck Norris?'
It takes Chuck Norris 5 seconds to kick your ass... 80 times
Rome was not built in day because Chuck Norris was not there to do the job right.
If you are alive today, it's because Chuck Norris decided not to kill you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once opened a can of Campbells chicken noodle soup with his eyeballs.
Chuck Norris can kill a flock of birds with a grain of sand.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to shower, he dares dirt to touch him...
Chuck Norris has a Ford F-1450 pickup that spans 4 lanes of traffic. The license plate has the entire St. Crispin's Day speech from Henry V on it.
Everyone knows the answer to WWCND? (What Would Chuck Norris Do). Everyone. Including my grandfather and my 9 months old niece.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, in which he rode a brahma bull 1,746 miles from Texas to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
When Chuck Norris pummels the shit outta you, get yourself to a hospital, and tell 'em Chuck sent you - they've got a special ward all ready to go.
The Vatican conclave of voting Cardinals burn Chuck Norris dingleberries to create the white smoke that signals the election of a new Pope.
Once a panhandler approached Chuck Norris and asked him for some change. Chuck Norris generously gave the poor man a quarter roundhouse kick and sent him hurtling into outer space at the speed of light.
A good golfer can often make a 'birdie'. Better golfers frequently get an 'eagle'. Chuck Norris always gets a 'condor'.
Chuck Norris' face was going to be on Mt. Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard
Nerdi, I believe that the joke posted to below this is the worst I have ever heard; therefore, I will create a better version. Chuck Norris doesn't breath air, his lungs generate their own air out of fear.
Jesus carried his cross to Calvary where he was crucified. Chuck Norris carries planets wherever he goes for fun.
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in
Chuck Norris once stabbed a man with a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored.
Chuck Norris only ever broke a sweat once, because it stayed broken.
Chuck Norris can play New Super Mario Bros. 2 on an X-Box 360. He can also play Sonic The Hedgehog 2006 on a Nintendo 3DS.
During a recent talk show interview Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said he thought Bieber was a waste of perfectly good toilet paper.
Chuck Norris recently set a land-speed record at the Bonneville Salt Flats while riding on a pogo stick.
Chuck Norris knows all the words in the dictionary, except the word "Mercy".
When Chuck Norris does a titty twister, it's so painful, Chuck could tear the flesh off.
When Chuck Norris claps with one hand, the sound is deafening.
There is no "i" in team, because Chuck Norris gouged it out.
Chuck Norris once dipped an elephant's nose in a pile of cocaine then rammed it up Ricarhd Gere's ass.
Chuck Norris found 1000 mini nukes and 1 Fat Man after leaving his vault.
Chuck Norris once completed 40 hours of work in 4 hours, including 15 minutes for a coffee break.
Chuck Norris can do an instrumental a Capella.
always face your fears... uless your fear is Chuck Norris, then run for your life!!
Chuck Norris briefly replaced Flea in the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the early 80's. He had to wear two socks.
Chuck Norris' favourite word: chunk.
The US army gave Osama Bin Laden's head to Chuck Norris. It now adorns the hood of his Hummer, which can be seen cruising through the streets of Abbotabad, Pakistan, with the song 'We Are The Champions' blaring from its speakers.
Chuck Norris takes his temperature with a measuring spoon.
Chuck Norris doesn't get ready for work in the morning. Work gets ready for Chuck Norris.
In 1957 while in Elementary school Chuck Norris drew a sketch of a square apparatus with astonishing details. 50 years later, Apple used that same sketch to design and develop what we know now as... the ipad.
Chuck Norris gave the Pope permission to have a cuncubine.
Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.
Chuck Norris once won a D 1 Drifting Championship by driving a smart car with no motor,tranny,wheels or tires...come to think of it he was merely running sidways while making scretching noises
Chuck Norris once said 'To be or not to be, who gives a shit?' William Shakespaere stole and modified this quote, which is why he died such a violent death.
Chuck Norris can watch 3-D movies wearing only a monocle.
Harper Lee's classic novel's original title: 'To Kill A Mockingbird, Simply Tell Chuck Norris It Shat On His Ferrari'
If Chuck Norris ever ruined your life, you'd probably want to kill him. But you couldn't.
When hitler killed himself it was because he saw Chuck Norris .
Chuck Norris doesn't kick people to the sun,he kicks the sun to people
Slenderman once found Chuck Norris and then he came up and roundhouse kicked Slenderman in the face 100 times
Chuck Norris once cast his fishing line into the Bearing Sea and caught a 176 lb halibut from his patio lawn chair in southern Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris can drink water in a saucer.
Chuck Norris' father is Chuck Norris, his mother is America, his brother is freedom and his other brother is Sam... Sam Norris. Chuck Norris loves his family dearly, except for Sam, that is why Sam no longer exists.
Chuck Norris doen't always drink beer. But when he does, he prefers to roundhouse kick "The Most Interesting Man in the World" in the face and take his Dos Equis. "Stay thirsty my friends".
At his wedding, Chuck Norris' first dance number was to 'Lord Of This World' by Black Sabbath.
when a robber steal stuff from people they say its like taking candy from a baby. but when they steal from Chuck Norris it's not as easy as they think.
Chuck Norris can just wright a random number and the math problem is right
Chuck Norris knows where your car is - in his stomach.
Chuck Norris wants all South Carolina beach goers to feel safe because he will personally be extracting all the teeth from all area sharks this 4th of July weekend.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris doesn't use tent pegs. He puts claw hammers through the loops before pushing them into the ground using only his eyes.
Chuck Norris once punched Jean-Claude Van Damme in his career.
Iron Maiden wrote the song "Run to the hills" after their brief encounter with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can punch you so hard that your blood will bleed.
Chuck Norris likes to bring a knife to a gunfight.
Remember the big bang theory, that day Chuck Norris got pissed.
When Clarke Kent goes into a phonebox Superman comes out. When Chuck Norris goes into a phonebox... Chuck Norris comes out.
A carjacker attempted to take Chuck Norris' Lexus. Chuck pulled him through the window, stuffed the jacker's head up his own ass, then threw him back out the window. Chuck then went for coffee at Starbucks.
When Chuck Norris Kills someone they dont go to heaven or hell or even get reincarnated... its like they never exsisted in the first place.
Chuck Norris can blow up a steel wall by touching it with his left pinkie toe.
Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.
A Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick to the buttocks has been known to cause an infected, yellow pus filled abscess in hemorrhoidal tissue.
The eleventh Commandment: 'Disregard all of the above when Chuck Norris tells you to do his bidding.'
Chuck Norris's belly button does'nt collect lint, it collects steel wool.
Chuck Norris does not walk. The Earth rotates for him out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris was not born. He kicked his mother off of him.
Chuck Norris once defeated the Statue of Liberty in a Stop Dance Contest.... at kindergarten!
Chuck Norris was hiking and came face to face with Sasquatch. There was IMMEDIATE PANIC, then the Sasquatch was seen running screaming into the woods.
Chuck Norris knows that the world isn't flat...but with one punch, it could be.
Do not stare at Chuck Norris' beard, or it may feel threatened and leap off his face and smother you to death.
Chuck Norris didn't vote this year...he delegated.
Chuck Norris once struck lightning
There is no such thing as global warming, just Chuck Norris farting after him eating a bean burrito.
Chuck Norris once made a 367 yard putt with a ping-pong ball.
If you ever dream of beating Chuck Norris in a thumb war, the next event in said dream will be a 6734-ton weight falling on you. This is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
Ouija Boards have recently been re-designed to have 'CHUCK NORRIS' written in the center.
Chuck Norris fairly warned Tony Siragusa to not use Depends to "protect his manhood" before racking him in the balls.
Chuck Norris has never been dubbed in any film, because his fists do the talking.
Chuck Norris once ran a quarter mile in 3.7 seconds, while pulling an 18-wheeler in wet cement.
Chuck Norris can chew glass back into sand.
Chuck Norris is the only computer system that beats a Mac or a PC. Too bad all it does is round house kicks the user.
Chuck Norris knows exactly how many licks it takes to reach the center of a tootsipop.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a Total Gym to work out the Total Gym needs Chuck Norris to work out.
Chuck Norris can hit a barn door with a broad's side.
For Chuck Norris, post-coitus and post-mortem mean the same damn thing.
A comet will erase the human race, the sciencists called the comet Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is FATHER Nature.
If light is the fastest traveling element known, then Chuck Norris is not an element
Chuck Norris won the America's Cup sailing in a rubber raft.
Chuck Norris can jump...without leaving the ground.
Chuck Norris knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father before the end of the first movie.
President Reagan's "Star Wars" anti-missile plan was just a cover for his true idea to destroy incoming Soviet nukes: Chuck Norris in his backyard ready to shoot them down with his M-16. Secret tests showed that no missiles ever got past Chuck.
Chuck Norris can send text messages in braille.
Chuck Norris tore Saxton Hale's chest hair off in such a way that... well, look at Saxton hale's chest! Chuck Norris is pretty darn precise.
Chuck Norris jumped out of the Godly tree and roundhouse-kicked every branch on the way.
Chuck Norris is what ancient Greeks used to protect their mazes.
Even if Chuck Norris is entirely tied with metal chains, he'll still kick your ass
Chuck Norris sold a Henckels 18 piece knife block set to a Cutco sales representative.
Chuck Norris' leg kicks hit hard enough to knock the polio vaccine out of your body
Chuck Norris knows Chivalry is dead. He was the one who killed it.
Chuck Norris doesn't need missiles to bomb other countries, he just sends them copies of his old movies.
If you line jump for a new iPad infront of Chuck Norris at the midnight openning at Best Buy, you will instantly learn the true meaning of Black Friday...if you ever come out of your coma.
Chuck Norris can hear and speak sign language.
Chuck Norris has an 8 millionth degree black belt.
Chuck Norris can light a cigar by clapping his hands in front of it.
Chuck Norris recently ran into Nancy Pelosi and she told Chuck she had just flown in from Washington D. C. Chuck said "oh really, where did you park your broom"?
Joe Namath felt safe making his Super Bowl III guarantee because Chuck Norris said the Jets would win.
Will Weston punched a women in the face. Chuck norris punched a bull dozer in the face. Who is better? you decide
Vampires travel by night because Chuck Norris travels by day.
When you get a thumbs up from Chuck Norris, you always win.
Chuck Norris can send a text massage through public telephone
Chuck Norris's Minecraft username is "Herobrine27". Should be just "Herobrine" in my opinion. He deserves it.
Chuck Norris doesnt do the ice bucket challenge. Chuck Norris does the HOT LAVA BUCKET CHALLENGE.
Chuck Norris told Oprah to 'get off the goddamn TV'. They will show old Walker: Texas Ranger reruns in her place.
When Chuck Norris goes to the club he doesnt dance, he does "the Chuck Norris boogey" aka roundhouse kicking everyone
Chuck Norris doesn't walk - the world just rolls beneath his feet.
Chuck Norris does not need air from the trees because his lungs generate their own air out of fear.
A doctor once tried to test Chuck Norris' reflexes by lightly tapping on his knee with a small wooden mallet. Needless to say, that doctor is now in orbit.
Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Chuck Norris grinds black pepper with his ass-cheeks.
Whoever said "Close enough only works for horseshoes and hand grenades" obviously never witnessed what happens to people within a mile of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris satisfied Madonna so well she actually turned British.
Mario & Luigi are the result of Chuck Norris cutting Don Corleone in half with an atomic wedgy.
Chuck Norris's beard is the eigth wonder of the world.
When Chuck Norris uses a bathroom, he can stink it out for up to twenty-three years. Many around America's south have been turned into tourist attractions.
Chuck Norris liked this because it is fact/joke number 4900.
One person stated that Chuck Norris has forgotten more about killing than anyone will ever know. That is not true -- Chuck Norris never forgets. Ever.
....to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until Chuck Norris do us part.....
Chuck Norris eats happy meal toys and has the hamburger and fries as toys.
For Sunday Church Communions, Chuck Norris is served a 3 lb loaf or sourdough bread and gallon jug of MD 20/20 wine.
Chuck Norris uses the big dipper to eat his cereal.
Chuck Norris will die in the year 2012. thus ending the world
If Chuck Norris beat you half to death you would be dead.
Chuck Norris doesn't play COD: Nazi Zombies, Nazi Zombies play Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has forgotten more about not giving a fuck than you and I will ever know.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
Once Chuck Norris had the weakest hand while playing a High stakes game of 7 card stud. The other players were too afraid to tell him, that's how Razz was invented.
when Chuck norris was 3 years old he snacked on a box of crayons, 2 weeks ago he reportedly shit out a candle, and when i came out, it was lit!
While building a house in Kansas, Chuck Norris was dared to dig a hole as deep as he could. Chuck Norris dug so deep that the next day there were Squirrels with slanted eyes on his front lawn.
Chuck Norris is unstoppable in all games of Call of Duty
Chuck Norris busted Phineas and Ferb
When Chuck Norris goes hiking in a rainforest, it is then known as a painforest.
Dos Equis XX is actually Chuck Norris' urine.
Nintendo once tried to duplicate Chuck Norris' hands. They got close; we know them as Dialga & Palkia.
Chuck Norris sank the Titanic because it was his nickname.
Chuck Norris has never used a seat belt, because nothing holds Chuck Norris back
Chuck Norris can fart the entire Walker, Texas Ranger theme song lyrics in Morris Code.
Chuck Norris is the world's most popular loner.
Chuck Norris doesn't even need to stop for it to be Hammer Time.
Chuck Norris is so tough he makes onions cry.
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the Sun.
The lord giveth and Chuck Norris taketh away!
Chuck Norris can create a molecular compound out of all of the inert gases.
In thinking of famous celebrities, Chuck Norris & Dolly Parton come to mind. Now that's a couple of big ones for ya!
Chuck Norris invented the hemorrhoid thermometer.
Chuck Norris' tree house has a fully finished basement.
Chuck Norris can have a midnight snack at quarter to four in the afternoon.
The original phrase "balls to the wall" was in reference to anytime Chuck Norris entered a building smaller than an aircraft hanger
Chuck Norris is the only person who owns TWO Birthday Suits
Fool me once: shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once: actually, you can't ever fool Chuck, and he'll kill you for even thinking about it.
Chuck Norris can see his shadow and catch it- at night.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes lemonade...and then goes to sunbathe on the beach.
Pain and death is what Chuck Norris makes it.
Most families play badminton with a racquet and a small feathered birdie. Chuck Norris' family often play badminton using a manhole cover and an ostrich carcass.
You will get a bloody nose even if Chuck Norris only thinks about punching you in the face.
Chuck Norris prefers his Cobb Salad served with cocklebur croutons.
Chuck Norris once farted in his sleep loud enough to awaken a sleeping volcano. Maui was then formed.
When WeeMan joined the cast of Jackass, he was 6'1 1/2" tall. Then they had him try to give Chuck Norris a wedgie.
Chuck Norris invented the chambers Grip
Chuck Norris fathered two illegitimate children. Now grown up, we know them as the Hulk and Superman, and together they are half as powerful as their father.
When night falls in the forest, the darkness gets afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once accidentally killed a man by roundhouse kicking his shadow. The judge deemed the incident an Act of God and Chuck Norris walked a free man.
When Chuck Norris tells you to give him a hummer, don't protest or cry - you'd best just get on your knees and do it immediately. And you'd better hum the Walker: Texas Ranger theme.
Chuck Norris is the one who shot the deputy.
If you have read Harry Potter, you know about the unbeatable Elder Wand. It is actually Chuck Norris' used tooth stick.
Wolverine's bezerker rage was based on the time Chuck Norris was told that he was simply too old to ride the teacup ride at Disney World.
When Chuck Norris gives you an Indian burn, consult your nearest skin graft specialist immediately.
Chuck Norris made Frank Dux say, "Ma Tay."
The reason the last Ice Age ended was because Chuck Norris had gotten bored with all the snow and ice, and yawned, melting all the glaciers.
All people say that the future is robots and futuristic buildings and technology. The real future is Chuck Norris as the ruler of the world. And ruler of roundhouse kicks and karate.
Once while on an Amazon River piranha fishing trip in remote Brazil, Chuck Norris happened upon a native village of cannibals. They are all now vegan and homeless.
Chuck Norris's childhood is known to some as the Jungle Book
Chuck Norris is the reason The Chicken crossed the road.
People with Alzheimer's always remember Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once sniped 20 people with one round. Luckily he forgot the gun
Chuck Norris doesn't drink, water goes into him.
Chuck Norris can microwave Chinese take-in containers without starting a fire
Chuck Norris knows when God will return.
Chuck Norris round housed a NFL replacement ref, and the others begged the real refs to come back
Chuck Norris doesn't urinate, Chuck Norris urines 10.
Chuck Norris can derive the slope of a vertical line.
Chuck Norris took his dog to the vet. The doctor neutered himself.
Osama Bin Laden is Chuck Norris's bitch
Chuck Norris invented the nipple cripple.
If you play Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side Of The Moon' while watching Delta Force 2, Chuck Norris' boot heel will sync up with your face.
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? This question is irrelevant. A relevant question would be "How many trees can Chuck Norris kick the woodchuck through"?
Tom Brady can throw a football 60 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Tom Brady five times farther.
Banks don't do public holidays but Chuck Norris does
Chuck Norris can't play LIFE. his is too complicated
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris is watching it.
Despite millions of fan letters, Chuck Norris regretfully says that his schedule is simply too full to kill Nickelback anytime soon.
Chuck Norris does not need antispam. Spam needs anti-Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris tore her 10 new ones
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.
Jesus walked on water....Chuck Norris walked on Jesus
Robert Pattinson must report to Chuck Norris' mansion every Thursday to eat a whole clove of garlic in front of him.
When Chuck Norris sees a screamer, he roundhouse kicks it so hard, that the ghost gets hit.
Whenever Chuck Norris strangles a tiger, he gets Frosted Flakes.
Bears have to put up "Don't feed Chuck Norris" signs.
Chuck Norris won the Indy 500. On an Exercise Bike.
Chuck Norris once killed a man with a roundhouse kick to someone else's face.
Chuck Norris' beard has the density of a dying sun.
Chuck Norris can make safety scissors dangerous.
Chuck Norris abducted Liam Neesons' daughter and had his way with her for six months. Liam didn't do shit. So Chuck beat the shit out of him.
Chuck Norris found the i in team, them promptly gouged it out.
Chuck Norris can see you, even when he cant.
You know how the old saying goes: You can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't stop Chuck Norris from killing you. And that boy.
Chuck Norris can keep any character played by Sean Bean alive.
The only mistake that Chuck Norris has committed was when he thought he did a mistake.
Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.
Chuck Norris ONLY drinks orange juice after brushing his teeth.
Chuck Norris can see 3D in TV without wearing glasses.
the dinosaurs only became extinct after Chuck Norris had a BBQ, for one
"Like a good neighbor..." Chuck Norris is there... with a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris once cast a fishing line into the Atlantic Ocean and caught 243 fish...then the hook hit the water
Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on an alligator.
The goverment called Chuck Norris to ask him to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas.Chuck Norris then rode on top of a rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherrybomb.Needless to say, the asteroid lost.
Chuck Norris hunts Cape Buffalo with a slingshot.
Tesla's Autopilot doesn't drive the car. It just watches the road while Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the steering wheel in the right direction.
In 1978, a suicidal man,convinced that insulting Chuck Norris would result in instant death, walked right up to him and called him 'Shmuck Novice' to his face. You don't wanna know what is still happening to him.
When Chuck Norris was born it wasn't his mother that pushed him out, he crawled out on his own, round house kicked the doctor and lit a cigar.
Chuck Norris can break iron with bubbles
Chuck Norris wouldn't do anything for love. Love would do anything for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' hair has a tint of red due to the stain of blood from bloodshed
Chuck Norris can kill more people before 9 A.M. than most armies can kill all day.
Why do so many rock stars die at age 27? Chuck Norris
Mother Nature and Father Time came together and made Chuck Norris, But his name wasn`t always Chuck norris because it`s latin for I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
If Chuck Norris was president, any word he says would make the crowd cheer for him. Wow that guy is one hell of a president.
Once upon a time Chuck Norris!
The Beatles are on itunes because Chuck Norris finally bought a Mac.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
Chuck Norris has zero-gravity on tap.
If Chuck Norris imagines roundhouse kicking someone, that roundhouse kick actually hurts someone. Try not to imagine him imagining that.
Mountains bow down to Chuck Norris
The most difficult thing about making the Total Gym commercials was keeping Christie Brinkley from tearing off her clothes and begging Chuck Norris, "Take me, Chuck Norris, you magnificient bearded stallion!"
Chuck Norris knows which came first...the chicken or the egg....he'll only tell the person who beats him in battle. So I guess we may never know
Chuck Norris knows what a tinker is and why they don't give a damn.
When Chuck Norris action figures first came out they had a recall, because they were beating the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris has never had to start back at 'square one'. If he ever messes up, he'll start back at octagon fifty-two.
Chuck Norris invented Nunchucks after he defeated 100 Evil Nuns with two wooden rulers tied together.
Chuck Norris once took a dump on Wall Street. The turd he left is now known as the Bronze Bull.
Chuck Norris is known for doing every cool thing you've ever seen a person do in a movie, but significantly better.
Chuck Norris gets ever so slightly more healthy and strong with each cigar.
Chuck Norris can turn in a blank paper at school and get an A+.
Chuck Norris enjoys a love/convert relationship with lesbians.
Chuck Norris framed Michael Jackson's doctor.
When Chuck Norris plays live, he declines the traditional guitar solo and instead strangles an actual cat into the mike.
Ghosts don't come out during the daytime because of the fear that they might be sighted by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris clears his nose with an Uzi.
Chuck Norris is by far the most violent man to ever win the Nobel peace prize.
A black hole is created every time Chuck Norris farts.
Chuck Norris gave the terminators the emotion "fear"
The term 'bust a nut' doesn't apply to Chuck Norris. It should be 'detonating a watermelon plantation'.
Chuck Norris doesn't play the lottery, he wins it.
When Chuck Norris was a kid, the Tooth Fairy left the keys to Fort Knox under his pillow, in exchange for a molar.
Chuck Norris' preferred kung-fu style is Norristyle.
Chuck Norris uses jalapenos as breath mints
When Chuck Norris was little, he once played with some blocks. Those blocks today are known as the Stone Henge.
Chuck Norris prefers to kill people in the key of D minor.
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? A: All of it...
Peter Pan once woke-up Chuck Norris at 5:00 AM in the morning. As a result, Cuck Norris made Pancakes for breakfast.
chucky does not play with Chuck Norris Chuck Norris plays with chucky by roundhouse kicking him over and over again
Chuck Norris spelled backward is still Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris created Stephen Hawking during a bowel movement,
When Chuck Norris farts, it gives off the smell of the interior of a brand new vehicle.
Why do vultures suddenly appear every time Chuck Norris is near? Just like me, they long to be... close to Chuck.
Chuck Norris' cellphone number is: 1
If you ever dare to start playing 'Six Degrees Of Chuck Norris', you will hear an ominous knock upon your front door.
Anthony Weiner resigned from congress and immediately committed suicide after learning that he had also accidently sent a twit to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't moisturize. Chuck Norris waterboards.
Chuck Norris tells The Fonz to sit on it.
Chuck Norris can find the limit of an oscillating function
Chuck Norris' grass is always greener.
Chuck Norris can lick the live end of a 50,000 watt cable and call it ice-cream.
Prisons are overcrowded because criminals insist on being sent to prison. They know they will be safe from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris uses Donald Trump's face for toilet paper. That's why he looks so shitty ugly and has Chuck Norris' golden shit smeared on his shit stained hair
If Chuck Norris ate at your restaurant and had only $5 for his $50 meal, you would still owe him change.
Danger had a face, until Chuck Norris ripped it off.
Robin Williams knew Chuck Norris was coming for him.
There is no wrong side on Chuck Norris' bed.
Chuck Norris cornrows his crotch hair.
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could roundhouse kick you in the face with the ingrown hair on his ass even tho' he doesn't have one.
When playing Blackjack, Chuck Norris wears a 50-gallon cowboy hat, huge bug-eye wraparound shades and a black velvet leisure suit covered in diamond studs. He keeps a loaded Uzi on the table while he plays.
Chuck Norris finished every Call of Duty games in less than 15 minutes..........without shooting a single bullet.
Chuck Norris is so tough that he is friends with Martha Stewart.
Chuck Norris can literally order Flied Lice at a Chinese takeout.
Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child, once on Hiroshima then again on Nagasaki.
Environmentalists do their best not to upset Chuck Norris, cause the heat from his anger can melt an entire glacier.
Chuck Norris can walk through a village full of hungry cannibals without concern.
Chuck Norris' pet snail can go 50 mph and that's only it's jogging speed.
Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Doomsday. When Doomsday heard Chuck was going to ride him, he hid in his trailer and fainted.
Contrary to what was widely reported, Saddam Hussein was not hanged in Iraq - he was slowly liquified, inch by inch, in Chuck Norris' basement.
*Eminem meets Chuck Norris* Eminem: I'm not afraid of you. Chuck Norris: I love the way you lie.
Chuck Norris completed the Tough Guy Challenge by doing nothing.
Chuck Norris can light a fire.... underwater.
Chuck Norris can cover a Beatles song on Youtube and won't get comments saying he ruined the song.
Chuck Norris has a smiley-face tattooed on his choad.
Chuck Norris created the Universe. Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has apologized for the "Big Bang" theory.
Chuck Norris can turn lead into uranium.
Most people receive Chuck Norris' kicks while he is wearing his cowboy boots. Receiving a bare-feet Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is considered auspicious in some countries.
Super Mario was based on Chuck Norris, in that as a young man, Norris briefly worked as a plumber. And he loves to take mushrooms and stomp defenseless turtles to death
When God said "let there be light", he first asked Chuck Norris if it was ok...
Sharks have a whole week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of Starchucks along the Pacific north-west, for all your coffee, alcohol and firearms needs.
Chuck Norris is a seperate brach of the service, with its own academy and fight song, the theme from "Walker, Texas Ranger".
Who let Chuck Norris out?Who,who,who?...ofcourse Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris keeps a small collapsable guillotine in the trunk of his Hummer.
Chuck Norris got his drivers licence at age, 16.... Seconds.
Chuck Norris names ships by pissing into the sides of them.
Chuck Norris can fart the lyrics to "Wooly Bully" in Morris Code.
Errol Flynn once tried to grow a Chuck Norris beard. Which of course is why he died such a brutally violent death.
Casinos pay Chuck Norris not to play at anything or wish anyone good luck.
When Chuck Norris was 5, he went to the Mall to see Santa. Santa asked "what would you like little boy, a train set? A bike? Chuck replied "no Santa, I want a rocket launcher".
Chuck Norris played chicken with a train...and won.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won an Olympic Gold Medal in the Men's Singles Luge competition while riding down the ice on a pair of hair tweezers.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at a Catholic confession booth, and he fucking well got it. He then reversed his Hummer back through the hole in the wall.
Chuck Norris has slapped a load of ass in his day. And by 'his day', he always means today.
A roundhouse kick to the crotch from Chuck Norris cures AIDS. Its too bad no one can survive a roundhouse kick.
Sharon Stone parted her legs for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is FAR too sexy for Right Said Fred.
Chuck Norris created the Chinese basketball player, Yao Ming by means of torture stretching a sumo wrestler on "the rack".
Chuck Norris can milk a bucket with a cow.
If all the army's in world were to wage war on Chuck Norris he would just cough and they would be dead
The back of Chuck Norris' hands are always speckled with bone marrow.
Chuck Norris can whistle "Dixie" in reverse.
Anthrax is reverse-engineered from Chuck Norris' white blood cells and was originally called Chuckthrax.
Chuck Norris once milked a honey badger.
Chuck Norris was once minted on the dollar bill, but after thousands died, it became apparent that no-one pays out Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris favorite cartoon TV show is WWE.
When the Lone Ranger & Tonto challenged Chuck Norris to a game of 8 ball, Chuck Norris racked thier balls.
The hills are alive with the sound of Chuck Norris' dong slapping against his legs while he walks.
Two Mary Kay salesmen knocked on Chuck Norris' door. They introduced themselves as Ben Dover & Phil McCrakin. They are no longer in business together.
After Chuck Norris ate a shrimp cocktail & a peanut butter sandwich, he won this year's Nobel Prize in Medicine for ridding the world of anaphylactic shock.
Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
When Chuck Norris plays football, he uses his foot and your balls.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he demands oranges and gets them.
The secret to the B-2 Stealth Bomber's technology is it contains Chuck Norris's beard. Only 21 were ever built as Chuck Norris has only shaved 21 times.
any thing you can do he can do better, Chuck Norris can do anything better than you
One time Jason Voorhees made fun of Chuck Norris during a hockey game. He roundhouse kicked Jason in the face so hard, he melded the goalie mask to his face, broke his vocal cords, and messed up his brain so much, he became a serial killer.
Chuck Norris once made his Kindergarten teacher spit out her gum.
When Chuck Norris goes to a strip club, the strippers pay him before their performances.
Chuck Norris was on one part on Titanic.... He was the iceberg!
Chuck Norris can piss into the wind and not get wet.
Chuck Norris wants a bath. A BLOOD BATH!
If Chuck Norris has 3 pieces of pizza, and you take two away..... you have about 1 second to give them back..
Chuck Norris only uses his gunsights as bottle-openers.
Consider it a bad sign and fair warning if you ever hear Chuck Norris humming the opening to 'The Final Countdown'.
Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego and promptly boned her.
Chuck Norris' personal foot masseuse has 2 permanent black eyes, 7 broken ribs, a bloody nose and a dislodged jaw.
Lord Voldemort refers Chuck Norris as He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named.
Chuck Norris farted and created the universe
Chuck Norris won the 1982 World Series of Poker with a 2 of clubs, 7 of hearts, jack of diamonds, a skip card from Uno, and a blank bingo card.
Chuck Norris can speak Chinese in German in French in Hindu in English in Algebra in blue in cup with a hint of Russian in Scottish in Canadian
God said, "Let there be light!" to which Chuck Norris replied, "Shut the fuck up".
When Chuck Norris says 'pull my finger', consider that a polite warning that you very soon will be atomized.
Chuck Norris can kill the chicken in Zelda.
Chuck Norris? never heard of her.
After watching the movie 'Titanic', Chuck Norris had tears in his eyes. Tears of laughter.
Chuck Norris perms his knucklehair.
Chuck Norris's dog doesn't know who's a good boy.
Chuck Norris once got aids. He sent them on an espionage mission to Phuket, Thailand, and they all got AIDS.
If you go to howstuffworks.com and type 'Chuck Norris', when you press enter you will be immediately electrocuted.
Chuck Norris was named valedictorian of his high school on the first day of his freshman year.
When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks your ass you say thank you sir may I have another.
Chuck Norris once rocked so hard in an AC/DC concert that it was felt even in 1906. They called it the great San Francisco earthquake.
Chuck Norris knows the differance between a cow's tail and a beer tap handle.
The band Panic At The Disco got their name when Chuck Norris visited Studio 54.
The word 'frankly' sounds so heavy because a guy named Frank once raised his eyebrows at Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris pees out lightning and poos out fist.
The Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear explosions were NOT caused by Fat Man and Little Boy. They were caused by two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks!
Chuck Norris hijacked Noah's ark during the flood.
Sure, you can beat eggs, you can beat a drum, you can beat your wife & kids, you can even beat your meat. But you can't beat Chuck Norris at anything.
Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast and craps out screws.
Chuck Norris is imortal because death is hidding from him.
SpongeBob SquarePants once called Chuck Norris a Crabby Patty sissy boy. An angy Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked SpongeBob in the ass so hard that he had to legally change his name to SpongeBob NoRectumPants.
Chuck Norris can blow candles back on.
Chuck Norris once received an 'employee of the month' award for a company he didn't even work for.
In Las Vegas casinos, Chuck Norris can fold and still win...in blackjack.
The problem of illegal immigration can be dramatically curtailed, if we put Chuck Norris at the border.
Chuck Norris is Bruce Lee's trainer
Little known fact: Chuck Norris actually discovered the theory of relativity tattooed on his ass after a weekend in Vegas.
Chuck Norris has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count.
Chuck Norris was orginally casted as the main character for salt but then they changed it to Angelia Jolie, look at her face now.
Doctors had to resort to inserting a photon torpedo suppository & detonation in order to cure Chuck Norris of a severe case of colorectal parasitic infection.
Catholics believe the Pope is the vicar of Christ. Jesus was the vicar of Chuck Norris.
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Chuck Norris wins.
When Chuck Norris raises his voice, local cats go into a blood frenzy
Chuck Norris is who tells Fatcat to go to bed at 7:30 PM
Chuck Norris once ate a cactus whole. When asked how he was feeling, he replied "Happy Pappy bang bang!" Then shat his pants
Chuck Norris once had pink eye. It is more commonly known as the black death.
Chuck Norris can walk with the animals, talk with the animals; grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals... and the animals, without fail, always say 'yessir Mr. Norris'.
The reason there are so many Chuck Norrisms is because he has not given people permission to stop writing them.
Chuck Norris can kill you with a headshot using a shotgun from across the map on call of duty.
There was a band named the Chuck Norrises. It was then banned because the band threatened the viewers with roundhouse kicks, including Chuck Norris.
Mighty Mouse often sang "Here I Come to Save the Day!" The next and little-known line of that song was "Because Chuck Norris Has My Back!"
Chuck Norris' life is basically a gritty reboot of the concept of grittiness.
Chuck Norris didn't actually invent time travel. His future self taught him how.
Chuck Norris often works out in public. He was spotted last week on Hwy 66 roundhouse kicking tornados as a warm up.
Some people check their horoscope. Chuck Norris consults his Norriscope. It's usually a set of co-ordinates and the words 'KILL' or 'SEX'.
Chuck Norris can outrun an Olympic sprinter. By walking.
Chuck Norris fact: John Merrick was Chuck Norris' identical twin. Chuck kicked his brothers butt inside his mothers womb for sucking on his thumb. John Merrick is known today as the elephant man.
There was a man that had to slay a dragon....But that man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed the man.
When Chuck Norris is a contestant on "Jeopardy," he can answer in any form he damn well chooses.
Elon Musk tried to make the government more efficient with DOGE. Chuck Norris made it efficient decades ago — nobody dared waste his tax money.
People started making the Yo-Mama jokes because they mistook Chuck Norris' bicep for your mother's fat ass.
Did you know? Rick Ross' "You are the Boss " hit was produced by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's recessive genes dominate everyone else's.
lightening struck Chuck Norris... he struck back
Chuck Norris always puts his occupation as Chuck Norris
Can Chuck Norris make a rock heavy enough that he can't lift it? Of course he can....he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris tied the New Boyz down with one hand behind his back
Bruises are caused by Chuck Norris tapping you with his finger.
When there's something bad in your neighborhood... Who you gonna call? CHUCK NORRIS!
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1 2 and 3 on legendary with a broken guitar hero controller
Chuck Norris is the landlord of the Hall of Justice.
Chuck Norris once decided to sell his saliva as an areosol spray. He called it "WD-40"
Chuck Norris can kill Weegee (a evil invincable clone of luigi) in 1 roundhousekick
The flu was down with a bad case of Chuck Norris.
Metallica's James Hetfield calls himself a table. Chuck Norris just calls himself a winner.
Chuck Norris once told Rage Against The Machine to mellow down and stop being so angry. They broke up the next day and joined Soundgarden.
Chuck Norris discovered the theory of relativity. When Albert Einstein found out he decided to make it public. Chuck Norris got angry and roundhouse kicked him in the face. Albert Einstein is now known as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris invented Gumby by repeatedly bitch slapping Sean Hannity with Rush Limbaugh's nut sack.
Chuck Norris once ran a marathon because it was on his way.
Chuck Norris won Iron Chef just by using an easy bake oven.
Chuck Norris is watching you as you read this joke. If you want it to end quickly, don't turn around.
Yahweh strictly adheres to Chuck Norris' first commandment: having no other gods before him.
Chuck Norris always hits the G-spot with mathematical precision.
When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Chuck Norris.
The reason people think Paul McCartney is dead is because he once made fun of Chuck Norris.
CHuck Norris can start a car simply by running his hands over the dash.
Chuck Norris wants to know how your wife and his kids have been doing lately.
Chuck Norris doesn't take bath, he sheds his skin twice a year.
Chuck Norris EATS three packs of cigarettes a day.
When Chuck Norris breathes there are hurricane warnings
When Chuck Norris does the 'got your nose' thing to kids, it is horrific to behold.
Chuck Norris once performed a vasectomy on a gorilla while it was masterbating over a female in estrous.
Chuck Norris won't be Mr. Rogers' neighbor.
Chuck Norris can finish an "all you can eat" buffet.
Chuck Norris single handedly roundhouse kicked the butt of every player, coach, waterboy and fan of the Florida State University Seminoles football team. They are now known as the Semiholes.
It should be blatantly obvious to all, but it still bears repeating: never, ever, EVER ask Chuck Norris to take his boots off when he enters your house.
Chuck Norris is So Badass, he went to the island of Coradie to kick Ganon's Ass.
It's bad for a black cat if it crosses Chuck Norris' path.
its not the milky way its a cumshot that Chuck Norris missed
Chuck Norris can make a mole hill out of a mountain.
If survival of the fittest was true, Chuck Norris would be the last thing left on earth.
Chuck Norris claims the greatest comedy ever is "Saving Private Ryan"
Chuck Norris invented the kangaroo when he ripped the front legs off a dog and threw it all the way to Australia.
If you toss a coin with Chuck Norris, and say "heads I win, tails you lose" Chuck Norris will still win.
Chuck Norris can make diamonds from belly button lint.
At his wedding, Kanye West spoke for an hour and forty-five minutes about how awesome Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris can clip his left hand fingernails...with his left hand!
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.
Contrary to the urban legend, Chuck Norris' eyes don't glow in the dark. Although on the Sabbath, his nipples do.
If you ever try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.
Chuck Norris recently bagged a Grizzley Bear with a Nerf gun.
The flu takes a Chuck Norris shot every year
Chuck Norris is the most venomous thing on earth. After moments of getting bit, you receive the following symptoms: fever, beard rash, tightness of jeans, and the feeling of getting kicked through a car.
Chuck Norris once tore a mattress of it's tag.
If Chuck Norris sneezed over a woman, she becomes pregnant.
Chuck Norris isn't all that interested in astronomy. The only stars Chuck Norris cares about are the 50 on the flag of the USA, the one that's part of his Ranger badge, and the Lone Star of Texas.
Atomic fusion is so powerful, it could power the U.S. for a day. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick can power the Earth for 1,000 years.
The Kool-Aid Pitcherman busted through the wall of Chuck Norris' livingroom and said, "OH NOOOOOOOO!".
Robin Hood was partially based on Chuck Norris, in that Norris would rob from the rich. But Robin Hood never roundhouse-kicked the poor. Or the rich, for that matter.
When Chuck Norris needs to travel by plane, he makes BA Baracus fly him.
Chuck Norris wants your soul. Chuck Norris will EAT your soul.
Chuck Norris never wipes his butt
Chuck Norris can compare apples to oranges.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
A mere glimpse of Chuck Norris bearded member gave engineers the idea for the Alaska Pipeline.
If a fishes see Chuck Norris swim , they usally drown in fear.
Chuck Norris can actually "hold up" a bank...with one finger.
Chuck Norris is widely considered the greatest hip-hop artist of all time.
I was experiencing hard drive troubles and couldn't wait for chkdsk to complete so I rebooted and typed in Chuck Norris in the cmd prompt....problem solved.
Chuck Norris has lasted this long simply because Heaven wants nothing to do with him, and Hell is afraid that he'll take over the place.
If Chuck Norris were the king of Camelot he would be the master of the nights of the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris is the reason for JAL flight 123
Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.
You know the move where Scorpio removes the spine in mortal combat? Well Chuck Norris can do that to invertibrates!
When Chuck Norris gets voted in as president, he will not live in the White House. He will live in the Round House.
Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry
People worry AI will replace their jobs. AI worries Chuck Norris will replace it.
Chuck Norris overheard an old man complain that his Metamucil just wasn't providing enough fiber to take care of business. So, a kind Chuck Norris rammed an oak tree up the old man's ass, lit it up with a flame thrower and yelled: "fire in the hole".
Chuck Norris once milked a crocodile.
Chuck Norris puts the C in Critical, the H in Hercules, the U in Unbeatable and the K in Kick... All together - CHUCK.
Chuck Norris' fart can destroy every living entity in the whole world. He holds his fart to save the world. Thank you Chuck!
Some people call it love at first sight when you gaze in to the eyes of your lover. Other people call it death by suicide when you stare at Chuck Norris.
On Thursdays, Chuck Norris plays 7 Card Stud with The Moon, a grizzly and Gomez Adams.
Charity gives to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris will never suffer from a demonic possession, but demons can suffer from a Chuck Norris-Possession.
In the Matrix, how can you tell it from the real world? Well, in the real world, all leading roles played by different actors who always get the girl are actually Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris decided it shall be called pineapple, and the world accepted it out of sheer terror even though the fruit had nothing to do with pines or apples.
Chuck Norris is recommending all his friends buy a boat because Zombies can not swim.
Date: March 8, 2012. Chuck Norris decides to spend his spring vacation in the Mushroom Kingdom to duke it out with the portly plumber himself. Mario is currently gobbling 1-Up mushrooms, grabbing red coins, and going berserk with golden flowers.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
All bad guys ever kicked by Chuck Norris in TV/movies immediatly died upon end of contract. Chuck Norris respects the Law.
There's an old saying: what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Conversly, what's good for Chuck Norris is most likely lethal to most mortals.
Chuck Norris is not invited to Pro-Am golf tournaments because he would make the other golfers look bad. Amateurs, too.
the titanic did not hit an iceberg and sink, Chuck Norris hit the titanic
Chuck Norris will never be on Mythbusters because everything Chuck does is not myth!
Chuck Norris never has to drive his car.He tells the car what to do. Start,go,stop,left,right,foward reverse,headlights on and off, wipe my windshield.
Chuck Norris was kicked off the show "Extreme Couponing" the producers couldn't stand watching entire grocery chains file bankruptcy because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can run Windows 7 on a Commodore 64.
Every Gun family owns a Chuck Norris for self-protection.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if it was true that he had cheated Death. Chuck Norris merely laughed and said "Fool! I am Death" and proceeded to roundhouse kick him mercilessly.
Chuck Norris caught a chicken using a dead alligator as bait.
Chuck Norris always looks a gift horse in the eye, then he kills it with one punch.
Chuck Norris had an iPad Air when the iPhone was first released.
Chuck Norris can massacre his way through an army of bad guys like he's using a cheat code.
Chuck Norris can pee in the pool without getting caught.
Chuck Norris once took his pet Sasquatch to a Furry Convention.
Chuck Norris pasteurizes milk by drinking it
Chuck Norris know what's a gayfish is!!!
Remember Child's Play? The doll now hangs from Chuck Norris' rearview mirror.
When Chuck Norris attended a Boy George concert, Boy George soon found himself in the nose bleed section - literally.
Willy Wonka gave an everlasting gobstopper to Chuck Norris. The flavor lasted 2.3 seconds.
Chuck Norris has a blood pressure reading of zero over zero. Chuck Norris has never felt any pressure.
War of The Worlds was actually a documentary- all the aliens died out after Chuck Norris dealt with them.
Jimmy Fallon has to ask Chuck Norris permission "to make it rain up in here".
If you offend Chuck Norris in any way, he will murder you without a second thought. Or even a first one.
Chuck Norris doesn't get into car accidents, cars get into Chuck Norris accidents.
The real reason Hitler killed himself was because he found out Chuck Norris was Jewish
Full-powered Chuck Norris attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef.
UFO's don't stay long because they know Chuck Norris did not invite them
A reporter asked Chuck Norris if he considered himself a 2nd rate actor or a 3rd rate actor? Chuck asked the reporter if he preferred a fractured skull or a ruptured spleen.
Chuck Norris NEVER calls the cops. The cops call Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris steals money from a bank, the owner of the bank gets arrested for not just giving Chuck Norris the money.
Chuck Norris can fart in the shower and make bubbles.
When in doubt..........Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses pens on Scantron sheets.
After its humiliating failure to circumsize a young Chuck Norris, Hurst Performance made a fortune marketing the Jaws of Life to fire departments.
Giraffes are born or created when Chuck Norris uppercuts a Horse!
The Beatles sang about living in a yellow submarine. That's because they wanted to get away from Chuck Norris.
Whatever happened to Duncan MacLeod, The Highlander? He foolishly challenged Chuck Norris. In the end, there can be only one. The one is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never experienced failure, remorse, being wrong, pity or defeat, among other things.
Chuck Norris killed the greek warrior achilles with a roundhouse kick to his face. Then one night Chuck Norris made a joke he says "Ah-kill-hes face!"
Chuck Norris was hunting bears when his rifle jammed. Faced with a charging Grizzly, Chuck grabbed a rubber band from his pocket and strangled the bear.
The man who came up with the phrase the only thing to fear is fear itself has never met Chuck Norris.
Before sliced bread, people used to say, "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris." But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
When Chuck Norris plays Five Nights at Freddy's, the animatronics don't scare him. The animatronics come to him
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris kicked the bucket-and lived.
Chuck Norris takes knives to gun fights. Chuck Norris opens presents on your birthday.
when we add 9+1, we get 10. when Chuck Norris adds 9+1, a thunderbolt strikes down the nearest person watching him.
Chuck Norris sleeps on the television
Chuck Norris uses an orang-utan skull as a bong.
When Chuck Norris enters a Red Lobster restaurant, the shrimp stab themselves with an EpiPen to avoid antiphelactic shock.
There are plenty of Chucks, but only one Chuck Norris- he roundhouse kicks anyone named after him.
Chuck Norris doesnt go to mexico Chuck doent close his eyes playing hide and seek Chuck Norris foent do dentions Chuck was excluded from his exclusion
Chuck Norris doesn't use a chainsaw to cut trees, he just stares at the tree until it falls over.
The Boogeyman once hid under Chuck Norris' bed. When he realized what he'd done, the Boogeyman peed his pants and ran screaming into the night.
Chuck Norris can cut someone in half.....by just looking at you.
If suddenly the world was taken over by aliens and everyone was made their slaves, Chuck Norris would be made their king, no questions asked.
Chuck Norris is so fertile that every time he jerks off into a sock it squeezes out a pair of cowboy boots.
Rick, Daryl, Glenn and Michonne want Chuck Norris to join their group as Chuck can kill a zombies brain with just one intense stare.
Helen Keler's favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris employs a concierge urologist.
If Chuck Norris ever says to you, "relax, I got your back", do not for a second believe that he is going to protect you from anything! Because that means he has just ripped out your spine.
Chuck Norris created tetris when he bent several people spines and stacked them on top of each other.
Chuck Norris does not return your greeting. Chuck Norris simply stares.
Chuck Norris is the Fifth Horseman.
Chuck Norris once found a piece of hay in a neelestack.
Pele is the Chuck Norris of soccer.
Cavemen didn't invent fire; Chuck Norris merely snapped his fingers and gave it to them
As a young magician - Walker: Texas Illusionist - Chuck Norris once cut a lady in half on-stage. He then lit a cigar and chuckled as the audience freaked out.
Chuck Norris doesn't push the envelope. He wipes his ass with it.
You can see Chuck Norris's charisma from space.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat limes. He eats limestone.
Chuck Norris plays badminton using a manhole cover for a racket and a dead ostrich as a birdie.
Chuck Norris stared at a carton of Orange Juice because it said concentrate. The carton exploded 5 minutes later.
People say it's better to lucky than good. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in luck. He's good at everything.
When Chuck Norris destroys a pub in Britain, everybody there says that 'he caused a right royal Chuckus'.
Have you ever heard of the time when Chuck Norris lost a fight.........that's right.........no you haven't
Iron Maiden was Iron Man before Chuck Norris got a hold of them!
God created the world in 7 days, Chuck Norris created the rest of the universe in one.
Chuck Norris holds a 14th degree black and red chain belt in Tibetan Throat Warbling under the Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains.
Chuck Norris once had a horse throat so he went to his personal physician. They both thought it tasted like shrimp scampi.
If you stare at a picture of Chuck Norris long enough, your jaw will start hurting.
Chuck Norris doesn't start his alphabet with an A. Instead he starts it with a Z, and ends with CN.
Jackie Chan went around the world in 80 days. Chuck Norris went around the world in 80 seconds... 10000 times
Chuck Norris won the first americas got talent by just saying his name.
Chuck Norris recently invented the roundhouse headbutt.
Chuck Norris will hit you so hard that your blood will bleed
Whenever Chuck Norris goes for a swim in the ocean, the sea level drops 11 inches around the world.
Chuck Norris was on safari in Africa when his rifle jammed. He still took his trophy lion by chasing it down and choking it out with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris can burn water and put out fire with gasoline.
Chuck Norris named his price and saved 15% or more on car insurance when he switched to Allstate.
Chuck Norris can call checkmate, before the pieces are setup on the chessboard.
If you asked Chuck Norris how many houses he could build out the skulls of his enemies, he would ask you how many graveyards there are in the world.
Chuck Norris' toupee came off an orangutan's ass.
Chuck Norris is the eleventh plague of Egypt.
Actions speak louder than words, unless they're Chuck Norris' words.
Chuck Norris went as himself for Halloween; He got twice as much candy as everybody
Chuck Norris gave 5 of his old watches to some teenages. Those teenagers are now known as the Power-Rangers
When you read a book about Chuck Norris it kills you.
The only type of fever Chuck Norris ever gets is disco fever.
Chuck Norris was once so drunk that he tripped and the ejecta that was launched into outer space formed the moon.
Chuck Norris does not need oxygen to breath
Chuck Norris makes gorilla buiscuts by slamming Kelly Osbourne's face into cookie dough.
"Death be not proud: you're nowhere near as threatening as Chuck Norris."
Pavlov used to shit his pants every time Chuck Norris rang his doorbell.
Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier whilst head banging
Fun Fact: If you piss off Chuck Norris... HE WILL DESTROY YOU!!
Chuck Norris will never kill any man that is wearing a red toupee unless it looks better than his.
Chuck Norris can suffocate a plastic bag, with a human.
Chuck Norris can kill you with a moist towelette
Chuck Norris was originally going to star in the movie 127 Hours, but was dropped when producers relized they would have to change the name of the movie to 8.3 Seconds.
What is the difference between a diamond and Chuck Norris? Well one is the strongest substance on earth, the other is just compressed carbon.
Chuck Norris can play Blue's Clues. Without Clues.
When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing.
Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked the Earth, It's been spinning ever since....
If Chuck Norris tried to punch himself he would deflect each blow creating an infinite loop. A paradox nobody can solve, except Chuck Norris.
Taxi drivers pay Chuck Norris when he gets in their cabs.
Chuck Norris is suing the Korean pop singer PSY for copyright infringement on the phrase Gangnam Style and the horse riding dance
When landing on the moon, Neil Armstrong actually said, 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind... and please, Chuck Norris, don't kill me for being the first.'
Bruce Spingsteen calls Chuck Norris "The Boss".
King Solomom had 300 concubines, Chuck Norris' concubine was King Solomon
Chuck Norris auditioned for the roll of the terminator. He was turned down because it would just be a biography of his life.
Chuck Norris doesn't need vacuum to clean kis carpet he makes the carpet clean itself
Last year, Chuck Norris was voted "The Most Valuable Employee" at 27 businesses that he has never worked for.
Chuck Norris was recently transported to a Waco, TX hospital Emergency Room. Once there, he supervised clean up the blood, hair and skull fragments of his most recent beatings.
Chuck Norris is brimming with so much testosterone-fueled badassery, that your balls will twitch at the sight of him.
When Chuck Norris kills you, you get a high-five from God.
Chuck Norris rode his sway-backed mule named Thudly to the 2014 Kentucky Derby winners circle.
Chuck Norris don't lay down the law - he picks it up and inserts it in you.
Chuck Norris doesn't laugh in the face of danger. He punches it repeatedly until it's the face of fear.
Chuck Norris walked into a tattoo parlour, with a 0.50 cal machine gun. After telling the artist what he wanted, he declined the needle and pointed at the machine gun.
god created the world, because Chuck Norris let him
Chuck Norris can drink a bucket of KFC.
Chuck Norris put the I in IPhone with a real human eye
The word "pain" is coined after Chuck Norris.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups, That's Chuck Norris moving the earth out of the path of a deadly asteroid.
the planets do not revolve around sun, Chuck Norris just refuses to let them leave
Chuck Norris can bitch slap a skunk and not get sprayed.
You don't question Chuck Norris, because if you do, he'll drink a liter of liquid egg, then punch your sternum so hard that you'll vomit bloody stool.
Chuck Norris shoved a Saint Bernard up Richard Gere's ass.
Two And A Half Men was originally Seventy-Eight And a Half Men and a show only about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' favorite breakfast cereals are Chucky Charms and Count Chuckula.
Chuck Norris was once in a car accident and broke both of his legs... He still managed to walk it off.
Chuck Norris scratches that hard-to-reach spot on his back with his chin stubble.
James Bond says his name twice to introduce himself. Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks you in the face.
At school, Chuck Norris' nickname was 'Chuck Norris'.
Chuck Norris can smell what you had for dinner... three weeks ago
Little known fact: Chuck Norris moved to Yugoslavia in the early nineties. They then renamed the country "Yudontgotoslavia"
Chuck Norris owns all of the No. 1 pencils.
Chuck Norris has two types of hearing, two types of smell, and nine types of sight. And 52 types of kickass.
Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna are Chuck Norris' vacation islands
Chuck Norris once watched an episode of Friends and saw an African-American with a major role.
Every time Chuck Norris leaves a room, the song "There Goes My Hero" starts playing out of nowhere.
Chuck Norris can ram your teeth so far down your throat that you will need to sit on your food just to eat it.
Once again, Chuck Norris allows the skinny black guy to pretend that he's running America for another four years.
Darth Vader once tried to choke Chuck Norris but he won't be trying it again.
bigfoot doesn't exist, parker just took a picture after Chuck Norris went on a camping trip and moths ate his clothes.
Chuck Norris' nutsack is pepperoni flavored.
Chuck Norris has been known to make a woman climax just by being within 10 feet of her.
Chuck Norris was actually Spartacus.
When The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse entered this world, the first person they met was Chuck Norris. They now bunk at his horse ranch in Texas and clean the manure from the stables every morning.
The plastic flamingoes on Chuck Norris' front lawn contain motion-activated laser-sighted miniguns. The rosebush houses the SSMs.
Chuck Norris once made 30,000 pounds of coal out of a 1/4 carat diamond.
Absolute zero has two definitions: 1) The coldest temperature possible. 2) Your chances of survival in a fight with Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris slaps you on the right cheek, you'll turn inside out
Grizzlys shriek white in terror upon seeing Chuck Norris, today they are a protected species known as Polar Bears.
Putin: We have the best nuclear weapons Obama: We have Chuck Norris
Very few Chuck Norris Facts apply to our universe. However, Chuck Norris has not ever said which ones they are, so it's best not to take any risks.
Chuck Norris went back in time and killed all his great-grandparents just to trip everybody out.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost exist because Chuck Norris ripped God into three separate entities.
Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at taco bell.
Did you know that Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie? He was "The Force".
Chuck Norris can cough in 7 different languages.
Chuck Norris Don't Need To Eat, He Will Find You.
Chuck Norris owns the world's only working proton pack. He has used it once, to kill some noisy neighbours, then catch their souls.
Chuck Norris doesn't want to build a snowman.
Chuck Norris pisses gold and craps chocolate.
Chuck Norris explains, his daily swim across the Pacific is the reason why he is so fit.
Superman actually has two weaknesses Kryptonite and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once stopped a runaway locamotive just by glaring at it.
After a pick up game of basketball, Chuck Norris made 42 baskets out of 30 attempts.
Chuck Norris went to the virgin isles and when he came bak they were just called the isles
There was no potato famine in Ireland. Chuck Norris just had the munchies on the way back from Amsterdam.
Betty Davis has Chuck Norris eyes
Chuck Norris can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears. That's why the ladies love him so much.
A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to your solar plexus will cause your toenails to crack.
Sasquatch brings Chuck Norris Jack Links beef jerky.
When Chuck Norris watches Barney & Friends, Barney doesn't sing songs.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once attempted to throw a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. He was immediately arrested for fraud.
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsee Pop.
Chuck Norris can cure your cataracts with taser eye surgery.
When Chuck Norris comes to an open door, he always closes it so he can then kick it the fuck in.
Chuck Norris doesn't defy gravity. He simply kicks it in the nuts.
When feeling bored just ring up Chuck Norris and he will cure you with his medicine which is your ass being whupped
The Killers sang 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier'. It's vice-versa for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris pitty the fool that face him.
Chuck Norris can speak in cursive.
Chuck Norris knows how old Blink 182 is.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep in on Sunday mornings because he has learned that the best time to run little old ladies over with his Hummer is on their way to church.
Chuck Norris can unhinge his jaw, to better facilitate swallowing things whole.
Chuck Norris' first car was a Caterpillar D9.
Chuck Norris' chi alone disrupts telecommunication signals around the globe.
Every night before bed Chuck Norris round house kicks 10 childern.
At birth, Chuck Norris immediately excised his parasitic twin, instantly roundhouse kicked his ass and threw him out the 10th story hospital room. We now know the parasitic twin as PeeWee Herman.
Chuck Norris's Piss can be used as a preworkout!
Chuck Norris put the homo in homo sapiens. Needless to say, he's not human.
Noah had two of everything and ONE Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has eaten over 3200 species of animals, 2436 of them insects.
It's all fun and games until Chuck Norris pulls your eyes out with a socket wrench.
Chuck Norris can make oxygen suffocate.
For Chuck Norris, there are only two food groups. Steak and beer.
Chuck Norris can clip his toenails, blow up a balloon, sneeze and inhale a cigarette at the same time.
Chuck Norris gets his wisdom teeth removed every three months.
When Chuck Norris contradicts himself, he doesn't
Chuck Norris hit a hole-in-one on the 18th hole at Pebble Beach, California from the 1st tee at Bethpage Black, New York.
When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day."
When Chuck Norris cuts it Footloose, God help anyone within a three-mile radius.
Chuck Norris was about to send an email when he realized it'd be faster to run. "
Chuck Norris commented 4 months ago on a YouTube video that was made yesterday
Bob's not your uncle - Chuck Norris is.
Car manufacturers crash test their cars by launching them at Chuck Norris.
Good Guys Wear Black. Chuck Norris wears whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris may not have invented death, but he sure as hell perfected it.
Chuck Norris is violent, even his farts make a p-ting! noise.
Chuck Norris fought the law, and the law got roundhouse kicked in the face
Chuck Norris was fired from the show "Axe Men". The producers didn't think cutting down whole forests with your teeth was appropriate for children.
Chuck Norris once punched a guy so hard he regained consciousness in another zip code.
Chuck Norris wishes you a Roundhouse Kicking New Year!
When Chuck Norris travels to Washington D.C., local officials declare a state of emergency.
Chuck Norris has the Confederate flag tattooed to the roof of his mouth.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun but a verb
Chuck Norris keeps his pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris has never lost a sock.
The Chuck Norris commandments: Six days thou shalt work out on your Total Gym, but the seventh day thou shalt rest and watch a Chuck Norris movie (Chuck 1:4)
The job of the superhero is to save the day. The job of Chuck Norris is to save the superhero.
Chuck Norris once beat Ricky Gervais in a British accent impersonation contest.
Chuck Norris never broke the heart of any of his ex's.Just their legs back and neck.
When Chuck Norris was younger he was excited when he began growing chest hair. All the other boys in his 1st grade class were jealous.
Sharks don't bite people when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.
Chuck Norris was in a bear fight, he tapped the bear with his finger and the bear fainted and died
Chuck Norris attacks sharks when he's smells them bleed
When Chuck Norris buys a house, the realtor pays Chuck a commission.
Some people jog in the park. Chuck Norris jogs in an orbit around the sun.
If Chuck Norris rammed his boot up your ass, all three of us would be tickled!
Every time Chuck Norris watches on Olympic event, he wins a gold medal.
Chuck Norris wears denim underwear.
Chuck Norris once put a man in an eight-month coma just by hurting his feelings.
Chuck Norris' eggs lay chickens.
Chuck Norris poop is harder than rock. His turds are called "diamonds" when sold.
Chuck Norris re-mixed P Diddy's face.
Wheaties are actually sun-dried Chuck Norris boogers.
When Chuck Norris inhales a helium balloon his voice will sound like Barry White in slo-mo for the next nine hours.
Following a recent kickboxing training mishap,Chuck Norris no longer has a shadow.
Chuck Norris showed Snooki what the situation really is.
Life is what Chuck Norris makes it.
Prior to contrary belief, the Red Sea was actually parted by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can recline and swivel on a bar stool.
Chuck Norris froze Medusa and bite a werewolf
Chuck Norris finished the ice bucket challenge by dumping the entire Antarctica continent on his head.
A greastest achvement that you can get is when you go down niagara falls in a wodden barrole, Chuck Norris can go UP niagara falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris eats leaves and shits out crisp 100 dollar bills in neat bundles. He refers to the process as eco-friendly minting process.
A mere slap in your face from Chuck Norris causes permanent, life long strabismus.
Most critics agree that the main failing of The Expendables 3 is its inexcusable lack of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has more subscribers than Pewdiepie.
Chuck Norris once found a hummingbird egg in his backyard. He quickly lodged it between his ass cheeks for incubation and 28 days later a Velociraptor hatched.
Chuck Norris is so American, he eats tyranny and shits apple pie.
If Chuck Norris was a teacher, he could literally blow your mind. Dont take his class if you want your brain. xD
Chuck Norris once scared a cancer patient out of dying
Chuck Norris takes no prisoners. He kills them before they have a chance to surrender.
Unlike King Arthur, Chuck Norris CAN cut down a tree with a herring.
In 1969, man landed on the Moon. By 1969, Chuck Norris had already landed on eight planets, skipping Pluto "because it's too damn small."
Chuck Norris is the reason why Drake says YOLO.
Chuck Norris isn't actually invincible. HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE.
By the time I finished writing this joke, Chuck Norris had advanced from being a 6132-degree black belt to a 7834-degree black belt. By the way, this joke took me 1 minute to write.
Chuck Norris took the flintstones out the stone age and the Jetsons out of the space age.
Chuck Norris once visited the Oracle and told her: 'Don't worry about the round house kick'. She responded: 'What round house kick?'. BAMM... that round house kick.
The Foo Fighters will soon find Chuck Norris had already fought and killed all the Foo.
Chuck Norris tried finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. He didn't find it, that's why there are no more leprechauns.
Chuck Norris likes Apples for dessert ... especially Macbook Pros and Airbooks
At one time in Gotham, the dynamic dual were known as Chuck Norris and Batman. Later, Chuck Norris got bored and quit at which time Batman got promoted.
Don't make fun of Chuck Norris, or you will feel the wrath of his beard and the fist behind it.
Bruce Jenner heard that Chuck Norris doesn't kill women. Chuck is willing to make an exception.
Chuck Norris chews tobacco with his eyelids.
Chuck Norris understood the ending of Lost.
Chuck Norris is forbidden from competing in paintball games... for very fucking obvious reasons.
Chuck Norris CAN turn lead into gold.
Chuck Norris can say "I'm fallen in love with you" to a woman without mosbying her.
Whatever goes up must come down... Unless Chuck Norris tells it not to.
Chuck Norris was baptized in sulphuric acid.
Chuck Norris never cheats on his wives. The word 'cheat' would imply that they didn't know Chuck's deal going in.
Chuck Norris can squeeze lime juice out of a lemon.
The bathroom comes to Chuck Norris.
SpongeBob SquarePants has been expunged by Chuck Norris.
M. Night Shyamalan will not see the twist ending to his life, which will be Chuck Norris twisting his head off.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the winnyness out of Caillou.
Chuck Norris takes the 'non' out of non-violent entertainment.
Chuck Norris was the first avenger.
Chuck Norris now lives in Eagle Pass. He has a set of balls made out of brass. When they clang together, They cause stormy weather. And lighting shoots out of his ass.
When Chuck Norris plays IWBTG he never died
The legendary fight scene between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris had to be filmed over a dozen times because the cameramen kept dying.
Chuck Norris can prepare a Vegan dish out of pork, beef, chicken, eggs, milk, and butter.
Cannibals worship King Kong. King Kong worships Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once wore a pair of Lee Dungarees. He busted them
If mike tyson and mahammud ali fought who would win. CHUCK NORRIS
All steroids are derived from Chuck Norris DNA.
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of tigers, tigers are afraid of Chuck Norris
Women throw themselves at Chuck Norris, whether they want to or not.
A single hair from Chuck Norris can split a diamond.
Chuck Norris did take someone's eye out with that.
Chuck Norris has a twin brother. He is known as Satan.
Why do extraterrestial travelers visit Earth? To worship Chuck Norris.
That's Mr Chuck Norris to you.
Chuck Norris breast fed from his own nipples
Chuck Norris beleives in downsizing government! That's why he once roundhouse kicked the Octagon. Today, its known as the Pentagon.
The only reason Chuck Norris graduated third grade is because one of his ex wives was teaching the class.
the ONLY time when Chuck Norris cried was when Bruce Lee passed away
Chuck Norris dosent use airplanes to get to other countries, he just jumps from one continent to another.
No one said Draco Malfoy, They said Chuck Norris.
JFK was not assassinated. Instead, Chuck Norris went back in time just as Oswald fired a bullet from his rifle, which was deflected by his beard. Kennedy's head exploded from sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has a new policy regarding gays in the military. Don't ask - EVER!
Chuck Norris can skydive into outer space.
Chuck Norris keeps pirhanas in his swimming pool. He feeds them one freshly roundhouse-kicked pool cleaner daily.
Chuck Norris puts the i in team.
Chuck Norris kills only on days that end with "y"
Never smile at a crocodile. Unless you know that Chuck Norris is about to rip it in half like a phone book.
Chuck Norris cooked what Meg Ryan was having.
One time Sylvester Stallone got into an argument with Chuck Norris over who was the best knitter. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. Stallone's lip hasn't been the same since.
Chuck Norris invented Muay Thai in his sleep while acting out his dreams.
Chuck Norris literaly cuts playing cards. The number of craters on the moon matches the exact number of players who complained about that.
Charlie Chaplin lost a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest to Chuck Norris. No one can beat Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wil always kick your arse. Even in soviet russia.
In space no-one can hear you scream... tell that bullshit to Chuck Norris and expect to find out just how wrong you can be.
Chuck Norris once had terradactyl wings for the first time at Fred Flinstone's house. Afterwards, he promised himself he wouldn't eat poultry again until the apocalypse.
For years now, Chuck Norris has been trying to convince John Malkovitch to co-star in his proposed comedy/documentary "Killing John Malkovitch".
Chuck Norris can have three pairs in his poker hand.
Chuck Norris' DNA is a quadruple-helix. You just have to take his word for it, as anyone trying to see it under a microscope gets their eye poked out.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris. He them proceeded to roundhouse kick each and every one of them.
Chuck Norris does not need a reason to kill. but he needs a good one to stop...... no such reason has been thought of yet
Chuck Norris has to trim his toenails with bolt cutters.
Some of the alternate titles - The Expendables 2: Chuck Norris Forever, The Expendables 2: Norris And Friends, The Chuckpendables, Big Chuck And Some Ugly Overpaid Motherfuckers, and Walker: Texas Ranger: The Motion Picture.
Chuck Norris was the only professional boxer ever who was allowed to perform fatality moves on his defeated opponents.
the tide recedes because it knows Chuck Norris is coming
AI image generators can create anything from a text prompt. They still can't capture the full majesty of Chuck Norris' beard.
Chuck Norris taught Tiger Woods everything Tiger knows about golf.
In the 80's, Chuck Norris wore what stylists referred to as 'a Fuck-You Mullet'.
Chuck Norris got the new Galaxy Foamposites for free.
Chuck Norris once threw a Kenworth into the Pacific Ocean. It became known as Octopus Prime.
Chuck Norris doesn't need the iPad because Chuck Norris doesn't bleed.......
Chuck Norris' balls make cold water shrink.
Chuck Norris actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Jack Lallane gave birth to Chuck Norris, who in turn, gave birth to Jack Lallane. Vin Diesel was the afterbirth.
if you punch a brick wall you will never win. but if Chuck Norris punches one he wins every time!
Chuck Norris makes a world famous tray of chocolate chip/macadamamia flavored Snickerdoodle cookies from his dingle berries and toe jam.
Chuck Norris can bowl a 300. In four frames.
Chuck Norris never dances, he prefers roundhouse-kicking.
Chuck Norris never went to karate class, he was born kicking butt.
Chuck Norris can give you the middle finger with his pinky
Chuck Norris can eat saw dust and shit out a solid 2X4
Chuck Norris can destroy any aircraft, ship, or motorized vechicle just by yelling "Bang!" at it.
Chuck Norris' childhood hero was himself.
The force is with Chuck Norris. Always.
If a mosquito sucks Chuck Norris' blood, Chuck Norris eats the mosquito...so he can take back whats his.
The Expendables 3 will not feature Chuck Norris. Therefore, it will suck.
The movement of subatomic air substance created from Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks were recently accredited by physicists as allowing them to view the Higgs Boson Partical.
Chuck Norris once ripped the eyeballs out of Great Horned Owl and wore them around as night vision goggles.
Chuck Norris taught Professor Keating how to get away with murder.
The movie "Roadhouse" is strictly based on the premise.....what would Chuck Norris do.
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth that can play HALO on a PS3.
When Jesus said, "No one comes to the Father except through me", he was referring to his father, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punished Superman for being Superman by making him wear his underwear over his pants.
In the time it takes you to read this sentence, Chuck Norris could have killed 25 people. Or completely satisfied 5 women...twice.
Chuck Norris reaches 11 on the Richter Scale, if you confront him and say it only goes to 10 you will recieve a roundhouse kick..which will reach 12.
Chuck Norris can punch you so hard you die and then start crying.
Chuck Norris invented the woman because he got tired of men.
After he takes a shit, Chuck Norris puts the toilet seat back up.
A man woke in Intensive Care with severe injuries and no memory of what happened. An investigation determined he was hit by either a freight train or by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once defeated a laser beam in the 100 meter dash.
The only thing that burns Chuck Norris more than having to look at your face is a lit match 1/8 of an inch away from his asshole.
Chuck Norris has no friends on Facebook. Just enemies.
Chuck Norris has proven that not everything is bigger in Texas. Don't ask how.
The last person to attempt to emulate a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick lost his kneecap due to the high intensity centrifugal force.
After John Lennon's murder in 1980, the only person ever considered for his replacement in the event of a Beatles reunion was Chuck Norris.
Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
Chuck Norris invented winning.
Chuck Norris favorite color is pink. No homo.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Even when Chuck Norris is broke, he can still afford anything at the store.
Chuck Norris can login without signing up, on any website.
When someone says "nobody's perfect", you are insulting Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris gets stabbed with a knife the knife starts to bleed
the voices randy orton hears in his head are in fact Chuck Norris whispering to him
kids piss there name n snow Chuck Norris pisses his name in concrete
After years of rigorous and physically demanding testing, it was proved that Chuck Norris was stronger than Chuck Norris.
...and then Chuck Norris kills you in your sleep.
There is space, there is time, and there is Chuck Norris. Just kidding, Chuck came first.
Chuck Norris is the only officer in the military with the ranking of 'Darth'.
Chuck Norris can spin a sword... on his finger.
Chuck Norris is lethal only on days that end in "y"
The only thing Chuck Norris writes on his resume is his name.
Chuck Norris has had his left arm amputated - twice.
If you here Chuck Norris breathe well... hope you had a great life.
Chuck Norris is the last moeheican. And the first one.
Death once visited Chuck Norris,CHuck Norris said"DON'T EVER TELL CHUCK NORRIS WHEN HE DIES,I TELL YOU WHEN YOU DIE."Then Chuck delievered the most powerful roundhouse kick ever and even Death knew he did something wrong as he declined into hell.
Chuck Norris can't live forever, forever died two years ago.
How much is that doggie in the window? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns a copy of Duke Nukem Forever. It will be released due to his neighbor "borrowing" it and never returning it. We pray for that man.
On people magazine Justin Beiber said this about Chuck Norris "Hes awsome if I met him hed probbaly round-house kick me in the face" he joked
Only Chuck Norris can cause a Sonic Boom.
Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is Jack Daniels.
If the president ever pushes the "Big Red Button", Chuck Norris' cell phone will ring.
Many people wonder why Star Wars begins with "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away"... Well, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the jedi, clones & other aliens in that galaxy and moved to ours.
Chuck Norris can drink soup...........with chopsticks
Chuck Norris can eat his own head and still have room for dessert
Chuck Norris doesn't 'open' bottles of beer. He simply bites the top off and chugs it.
Every baby cries when they are born, because an image of Chuck Norris pops into there minds.
Chuck Norris crab fishes the Bearing Sea using only a snorkel and a laundry basket.
Chuck Norris has yet to see himself, because every mirror that tries to reflect Chuck Norris shatters instantly.
When Chuck Norris says "pull my finger", plan on being cloaked in and smothered to death in brown vapor.
Chuck Norris can put his coat on before his shirt.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cher and turned back time.
ChuCk Norris looks better of facebook..
The Terminator needs your clothes, boots and your motorcycle, because Chuck Norris took his.
Chuck Norris can make a movie with 75 cents and a dirty look.
When Mark Zuckerberg invented facebook he had a friend request from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris set the world record in Pole Vaulting using a tooth pick.
Chuck Norris was originally cast for the starring role in Jaws, but the shark backed out of the project.
Chuck Norris doesn't laugh in the face of danger, he makes danger Laugh at its self.
When you bet, you are engaging in gambling. When Chuck Norris bets, he is engaging in winning.
The only reason you go to the bathroom is because Chuck Norris scared the shit out of you.
Chuck Norris could solve every division and subtraction problem since he started martial arts.
Chuck Norris once hit a deer with a car ..... a parked car !
Chuck Norris only has good cholesterol because low serum cholesterol is afraid to show up in his bloodstream.
Chuck Norris doesn't pole dance because the pole dances around him.
Niagra Falls, is not really a waterfall, It's just what happens when Chuck Norris gets done with a night of drinking.
A cop stopped Chuck Norris for speeding. When he realized what he had done, the cop wrote himself a ticket for Contempt of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris bought a can of Pringles. Once he popped he did stop.
Chuck Norris once ordered lobster, truffles, a lightly seared filet mignon and a glass of 1955 vintage cabernet at a McDonald's drive thru... and he fucking well got it. He then flicked his cigar in the manager's face and drove off without paying.
Google uses Chuck Norris as a search engine.
Toll takers PAY Chuck Norris to cross the Golden Gate Bridge.
Chuck Norris doesnt fight, he just lets you lose.
Santa Claus skipped Chuck Norris' house ONCE.... When Santa arrived back at the North Pole Mrs Clause was pregnant with Chuck's baby.
Mike Tyson was overheard saying he would bite a live cobra before he would bite Chuck Norris' ear.
Chuck Norris once rammed a banjo up a bull's butt, and then hit it.
You do not smash Chuck Norris's mailbox.Chuck Norris smashes you with Chuck Norris's mailbox.
Chuck Norris' bidet is hooked up to a municipal fire hydrant.
Chuck Norris is going to star in a film called "Twitter." He will portray 140 characters.
Chuck Norris went back in time, to show himself how to go back in time in case he ever needed to go back in time
Chuck Norris can rub two fire's together and make wood
Chuck Norris is so tough you could sharpen a knife just by holding it in the air next to his face.
While on vacation in Scotland, Chuck Norris saw the Loch Ness Monster...then humped it.
Bald people once did have hair. Until they saw Chuck Norris.
A Texas Hwy Patrol officer followed Chuck Norris for 95 miles, observed him throw out 27 beer cans then pulled him over and gave him a written warning for littering.
When all else fails.....Chuck Norris doesn't.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris sired a baseball team...and a football team if you count all of the bastards.
Chuck Norris is the reason pugs have flat faces.
Chuck Norris puts Baby in the corner.
Chuck Norris can spam faster than anyone in the whole world. The speed is 0. that means infinity words per second.
Chuck Norris does not have hemorrhoids. That's because when he feels one growing on his asshole, he pinches it off with his steely fingernails and feeds it to Cedric, his pet tarantula.
Chuck Norris can do burnouts in a U-boat.
Chuck Norris' carpet is made of loose LEGO bricks
If you killed Chuck Norris, thats not Chuck Norris, hes behind you.
What the difference between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is a poet, and damn straight he knows it.
Chuck Norris drives a solar powered car at night.
In one particularly gruesome confrontation, Chuck Norris shaved all the hair off of a man's head and then forced him to eat it. That man today is Vin Diesel.
While teaching a CPR course, Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life
Chuck Norris once competed in the Tour de France riding a unicycle backwards with an elephant on his back. He crossed the finish line 5 days before the runner-up.
Chuck Norris is the Grand Master Leader of Anonymous, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Ordo Templi Orientis, Skull and Bones and the Loyal Order of the Face Smashers.
The expression 'keep your eyes peeled' originated from a horrifying incident involving Chuck Norris, a bowie knife, and some unlucky asshole.
When Chuck Norris looks at the clock, he knows that the times not right. Because he decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris keeps his black belt tied in a bow around his wang.
50,000 years ago Chuck Norris destroyed the dinosaurs. Now... HE'S COMING FOR YOU!!!
Fear itself fears Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris beats the crap out of people who can't come up with their own Chuck Norris-jokes.
Chuck Norris turned down the role of Han Solo's father.
Chuck Norris baths in acid because its the only thing strong enough to clean him.
Alcohol only makes Chuck Norris a stronger, louder, more efficient American killing machine.
Chuck Norris once won a staredown over a walkie talkie.
The last time Chuck Norris went carolling, he wound up getting signed to a five-album solo contract with Sony.
If Chuck Norris had starred in "Jaws" it would have been called "Dentures"
Chuck Norris' auto biography is the best selling book of all time, it's called the bible
Michael Jackson developed the moonwalk by studying footage of Chuck Norris wiping his feet.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups he just pushes the earth down.
For the next debate, Chuck Norris has volunteered to stuff all of the remaining GOP Presidential candidates into the tiny cicrus clown car they use for their arrival to the debate venue.
Chuck Norris loans money to the World Bank.
Chuck Norris can smoke a whole bush of ganja without getting stoned.
Most atheists agree that Chuck Norris is God's gift to mankind
Chuck Norris can create a Black Hole.
Chuck Norris doesn't use mouthwash, he uses potassium cyanide.
Only diamonds can cut diamonds, but only Chuck Norris can mould them like clay.
Chuck Norris is very skilled as a teacher, at the point where he teach a new trick to a newborn puppy.
Chuck Norris walked into a catholic church. He was asked by parents to piss in the holy water so their children could be baptized.
Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat.
Chuck Norris. No need for any text here.
Human beings celebrate new years. Chuck Norris celebrates new seconds - and go about with his roundhouse kicking business. That's how fast Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris can name all 493 pokemon...BACKWORDS
When Chuck Norris was little, his friends had pet Goldfish. Chuck had a pet Piranha.
Chuck Norris once went into target to buy a target for his target shooting practice, but couldn't find one. So he had no choice but to used the store.
For Halloween, instead of using pumpkins, Chuck Norris uses Yakuza heads.
They gave Chuck Norris the lethal injection and he caught a buzz
Neuralink implants a chip in your brain so you can control computers with your mind. Chuck Norris controls computers by staring at them disapprovingly.
Chuck Norris can think Amy Schumer isn't funny without being labelled a woman-hater.
Chuck Norris balls is where u get the term, you dont have the stones.
Chuck Norris can't defy gravity. Gravity would never oppose him.
Life is in no way as large as Chuck Norris
All the women-attracting pheromones included in body sprays and colognes come from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is recommending that his friends build tree houses because zombies can not climb trees.
Any communicable disease passed by Chuck Norris can kill you, including the common cold.
The reason Cobra Commander wears a mask coz his face was disfigured by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris by simply mentioning his name.
If Chuck Norris were to write a book it would read like the obituary.
Did you know if you watch the editors cut of Wizard of Oz, theres and alternate ending where Chuck Norris round house kicks Dorothys house back to Kansas... it shortened the movie drastically and the director decided not to use it... true story.
We didnt start the fire............ It was always burning when Chuck Norris Started it. We didnt start the fire.............
Chuck Norris wrote & owns copyrights of the song, "Happy Birthday"
Stop signs are actually warnings that Chuck Norris is passing by.
Chuck Norris killed a tiger. Now, Rocky Balboa is the eye of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris killed Santa Clause, for trespassing.
Chuck Norris always lists his occupation as 'Chuck Norris'
Chuck Norris once caught an eighty pound tuna while spearfishing in a mirage.
A big truck driver challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. Chuck asked him "paper or plastic"? The guy asked "what the hell does that mean"? Chuck said "thats the type of bag you're gonna carry your teeth home in".
Chuck Norris's spinning back-fist was the inspiration for the centrifuge . They just had to slow it down .
When Chuck Norris plays Five Nights at Freddy's, the animatronics don't get him. The animatronics come to him.
Chuck Norris can eat the flesh of banana without peeling it.
In the beginning there was nothing, then Chuck Norris kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job!!"... And that's the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris once hit a homerun and caught it.
Chuck Norris doesnt shit bricks, he shits columns
Tense your forearm. Now wrap your other hand around the middle of it. That's Chuck Norris' girth.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep he waits.
You know why God took the name God? The name Chuck Norris was already taken.
Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter
Chuck Norris can understand Van Damme.
Chuck Norris often bathes in municipal cesspools. Afterwards, Aquafina, Dasani & Evian are quick to capitalize on this opportunity to purchase low cost purified water.
Chuck Norris' mother was supposed to have triplets. Only one of them was chuck, the other two didnt stand a chance.
When Chuck Norris was a year old, other kids his age were eating strained peas for dinner. Chuck would have a steak, medium rare. And a baked potato.
The city of Pompeii was not destroyed by a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption from Chuck Norris after having eaten a truckload of Southern Homestyle Chili. He was the only survivor.
If Chuck Norris goes through a turnstile sideways, the new capitol of Thailand will "Busted Turnstile".
Chuck Norris once farted while holding a bic lighter between his bearded ass cheeks. The result is now known as the Atomic Bomb.
There are no crying scenes of Chuck Norris in any of his movies? That's strictly because Chuck Norris never allows stunt doubles for any of his scenes.
we truly never dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, we just dropped Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is all five Beatles.
Chuck Norris Installed linux in his sand watch
Chuck Norris head may be in the clouds but his round house kick is in the back of your face.
The reason why Chuck Norris was made is because hes freaking badass.
Tesla's Optimus robot can fold laundry and sort objects. When it met Chuck Norris, it folded itself.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana.
Iraq doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction. Chuck Norris lives in Ohio.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to vaccume his house, dust refuses to accumulate there.
Chuck Norris doesn't bend light.... he breaks it.
Chuck Norris beat the pebbles from the cement.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Chuck Norris, any day, requires a world-class intensive care unit and a round-the-clock team of surgeons, and even then you probably won't make it.
Chuck Norris is the only survivor of Pai Mei's exploding heart techinque.
Chuck Norris has over eighty million songs on his iPod. But he only listens to Bruce Springsteen.
Chun kuk do- founded by Chuck Norris in 1990- is an amalgamation of Korean tang soo do, shotokan karate, subak, taekkyon, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu. In other words, it's the juice that powers his epic roundhouse kicks.
You can't beat Chuck Norris at poker ever. He always has the better hand...and the better fist.
Chuck Norris wrote the songs "Stairway to Heaven" and "Paradise to City" cos he was bored.
Chuck Norris knows where Barack Obama was born.
Chuck Norris challenged a staring contest with Weegee then Weegee turned into Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' sphincter has fangs.
Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.
Chuck Norris can pause a movie at the cinema
The following is the short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:
Why is Phillip's head shaped like a screwdriver? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently had to bail his mother out of jail. She was locked up for her role in a Friday night bar fight.
Chuck Norris has licked his elbow twice
Due to the high volume of complaints from victums having a boot removed from their ass, Preparation-H has been Chuck Norris approved.
One time when Chuck Norris got wasted, he found a parked semi-trailer. He pissed in the gas-tank - wich of course was empty - and he filled it just for fun. The semi-trailer is now better known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris is Strong Enough for a Man, But Made For a Woman.
Chuck Norris is the anonymous lucky bastard who won the $157 million Lottery jackpot. What are you going to do about it?
Rambo has a Chuck Norris poster on his wall.
In "Wanted Dead Or Alive", the lyric "I've seen a million faces, and rocked them all" is dedicated to Chuck Norris. Of course, the word 'rocked' is an euphemism for 'roundhose-kicked'.
the number one cause of forest fires is Chuck Norris spit.
Chuck Norris doesn't need haircuts because his hair knows when to back down.
Chuck Norris drinks Mexican water by the gallon.
Chuck Norris strapped a bomb onto himself and ran for an Al-Qaeda camp. Once there, he triggered it and kept on running.
Chuck Norris' toejam sells for over eight hundred dolars a bottle.
For Chuck Norris...In the game Monopoly every space is free parking.
Chuck Norris' hard stare can win a staring contest with a $1 bill.
Why is Chuck Norris awesome? because hes Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris gives you a bag of wet mice for a Christmas gift, consider yourself lucky! It could have been something related to his foot and your face.
Due to his jet-setting lifestyle, Chuck Norris knows how to say 'Time to die' in over thirty different languages.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that has bitch slapped a Sasquatch then given him a wedgie.
Chuck Norris went into a restaurant and ordered a beef steak. The waiter asked him how would he like his steak cooked - well done, medium or rare. Chuck Norris said - "Alive".
Chuck Norris can rhyme with Orange
Chuck Norris was worshipped as a god by the Eskimos. That is why they had igloos modelled after his signature move.
Chuck Norris fought the Law and Chuck won. No law can hold back Chuck Norris.
When the lord said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please.
When Chuck Norris Sleeps his nightmares become reality for all the world to see. Fortunately he never sleeps....ever.
Chuck Norris can pick a lock with once of his own nostril hairs
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and even quacks like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a rare red-breasted sapsucker in heat... It's a rare red-breasted sapsucker and be thankful Chuck let you agree with him.
'Deja Vu' is when nature replays, for the benefit of someone, what Chuck Norris did too quickly for his memory to correctly register
Chuck Norris is the reasion why Justice wargrave shot himself in "then there were none"
Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO. Chuck Norris puched him in the face, EIEIO. That's what made Old MacDonald get dyslexia, OIEIE.
Time stops whenever Chuck Norris takes his shades out of his pocket and slowly puts them on.
It was Chuck Norris who taught Mongo, of the "Blazing Saddles" movie fame, how to proerly light a cigar.
Most people get their heat from the sun, the sun gets it heat from a single Chuck Norris roundhouse kick
If you hear Chuck Norris say 'OH SNAP!!', he is most likely referring to your spine.
The last guy who tried to shake the hand of Chuck Norris ended up playing drums for Def Leppard.
Chuck Norris can punch you in the face via messenger pidgeon
It should go without saying Chuck Norris leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can live with and without women.
The term absolute zero refers to the number of people who will survive if Chuck Norris decides to go on an all-out killing rampage.
Bugs in rugs are as snug as Chuck Norris
One night Ice Cube and Snoop Dog saw Chuck Norris walking the streets of Compton, so they "anonymously" called the police.
You know why alien space ships are called Unidentified Flying Objects? The aliens don't want Chuck Norris to identify them.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood as Chuck Norris wants it to.
The Most Interesting Man in the world recently met Chuck Norris. He said "meeting Mr. Norris was facinating".
Chuck Norris can disable his shadow.
Immortality is Chuck Norris' middle name.
If you make a spelling or grammar error when typing "Chuck Norris", you immediatly get killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never draws a blank. He draws a chain gun from his underpants, then laughs as he turns you into hummus.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once played Monopoly, but promised he'd never play it again: ONE GREAT DEPRESSION IS ENOUGH!
When Chuck Norris was born he round house kicked the Doctor in the face Slow mo' 3 times for slapping his ass.
Chuck Norris doesn't drive, because all roads lead to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris enjoys playing backyard games with his grandchildren. They often play badminton. But instead of using little sissy racquets & a plastic birdie, they use boat oars & dead chickens.
Chuck Norris once mowed his lawn... With a Nail clipper
Stephen Hawking was Chuck Norris's first attempt at Robot Wars
Chuck Norris is by far the most violent member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
With Chuck Norris, fear calls 911.
Chuck Norris can set fire to a magnifying glass with an ant.
Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to. He knows CPR.
Chuck Norris once tried to teach a fat, stupid kid Martial Arts. Unsuccessfully. The kid grew up to be Steven Seagal.
Chuck Norris is the way the cookie crumbles.
Chuck Norris can slaughter Lebron at a game of one-on-one. Then he slaughters the spectators.
An observation by Yoda, "Alive still he was. Then Chuck Norris foot he met".
Chuck Norris has a devil-may-be-terrified-of-me attitude.
Chuck Norris once went grocery shopping wearing only a flamethrower.
If Chuck Norris got a teardrop tattoo every time he killed someone, his face would've been completely black by the time he was 11.
Chuck Norris always finds a treasure chest of gold coins in a box of Cracker Jack.
Chuck Norris created "INCEPTION" to allow people to believe that they had a fighting chance. That is why Bruce Lee never beat Chuck Norris In "Way of The Dragon"
Thanksgiving Chuck Norris Fact/Joke Time! Most people have turkey for Thanksgiving. Chuck Norris has chicken for Thanksgiving. "Chicken" meaning "cowards".
All individuals that have remarkably survived a Chuck Norris attack suffer what in medical terms is called 'optical rectumitis'. That being having their assholes kicked out through their eyesockets
Chuck Norris drinks Texas tea.
Chuck Norris' urine is used to disinfect hospital emergency rooms.
Chuck Norris can yell "BOO!!!" in your face with such force, you will shit out your lungs.
Eminem sang "Jimmy Cracked Corn" for Chuck Norris. Immediately following the performance, Chuck Norris cracked Eminem, and nobody cared.
A penguin once made fun of Chuck Norris. In revenge, he set Antarctica on fire. It was successful.
The Rolling Stones found out the hard way Chuck Norris CAN always get what you want.
Chuck Norris can tie two cherry trees together using only his tongue.
God is love. Chuck Norris is fucking awesome.q
The mountain didn't go to Mohammed. It would have for Chuck Norris.
The mayor of San Antonio, TX has hired Chuck Norris to lite his farts for the evening 4th of July fireworks program.
Chuck Norris tried yoga but found strangling gorillas less boring.
Chuck Norris is a pacifist. He can pass-a-fist through your face.
Chuck Norris kicked-in The Amazing Kreskin's face. Thus proving a Chuck Norris attack to be an unpredictable life event.
'Cthulhu' is simply Chuck Norris misspelled.
Chuck Norris invented time travel to fight himself... we refer to the battle as the big bang theory
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia. That incident was known as the Tunguska event.
The Icelandic word for "Chuck Norris" is pronounced "google." No joke, google it.
Chuck Norris can satisfy any woman at any time just by looking at her.
If Chuck Norris was the messenger, shoot yourself
Because Chuck Norris likes the videogame Final Fantasy , SQUARE ENIX won't stop making them because the producers know that something bad is going to happen if the finish the series.
Chuck Norris beat the director of 'Good Luck Chuck' to death with a pool cue.
The truth can't handle Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is a proud sponsor of death!
Chuck Norris doesn't clip his nails with nail clippers, he clips his nails with scissors, and they work perfectly.
Little-known fact: Chuck Norris' parents were named Morris and Doris.
We all need somebody to lean on. Except for CHuck Norris.
Chuck Norris picks his nose with a toilet bowl plunger.
Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird
Chuck Norris doesn't shuck oysters. He chucks them.
Chuck Norris is the law. And if you break the law, the law breaks you.
Chuck Norris is really just a manifestation of Pennywise The Clown's fear.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick Batman's prep time
Chuck Norris can nail a hammer into a wall.
Chuck Norris kills the elephant in the room.
There are no facts about Chuck Norris - only understatements.
Chuck Norris' one man "Roller Derby" team always wins while skating around the rink on a rusty garden tiller.
When Chuck Norris brews a strong pot of coffee he uses a flame thrower and 1/2 of Columbia's coffee trees.
Superman has no defense against Kryptonite...and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris enjoys plucking chickens while skydiving.
To prove his mental strenght Chuck Norris listened to Metallica/Lou Reed-collaboration "Lulu" on repeat for a whole day.
Death is Chuck norris's apprentice
For Charlie Sheen winning is just wishful thinking. For Chuck Norris it's a way of life.
Chuck Norris uses Old Faithful as his private bidet.
The new Seven Wonders of the world are: 1. Chuck Norris's left fist 2. Chuck Norris's right fist 3. Chuck Norris's left leg 4. Chuck Norris's right leg 5. Chuck Norris's manhood 6. Chuck Norris's chin 7. Chuck Norris's beard
When Chuck Norris guested on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay did not swear once and heartily praised and ate Chuck's offering of burnt toast and pubes.
Chuck Norris won the PBA Championship Rodeo Bull Riding contest by riding Snort, a 6,450 lb Brahma Bull for 4 hrs 27 minutes when Snort finally collapsed. 9 months later, Snort had a calf.
If Chuck Norris sees a Mini Cooper pull up and park, 18 circus clowns had better come out of it!
Chuck Norris never has to get his Ferraris shipped over. He simply goes to Italy, takes one from the lot without paying, gets a run-up through Russia and jumps the Bering Strait.
Chuck Norris used to throw shoes at Dubya all the time.
Chuck Norris was manufactured in Switzerland & is the world's only automaton killing machine ever assembled.
Cancerous growths have been found on tobacco plants growing in fields that Chuck Norris had walked through.
Why are the Desperate Housewives so desperate? Because Chuck Norris doesn't live on their block.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
If Chuck Norris shaved off his beard, there would be no chin... just another fist
Chuck Norris is so tough that he doesn't use the washing-machine. He beats the shit out of the clothes.
Chuck Norris has a wallet made of face.
Chuck Norris broke the mold after he made himself.
There is a saying "Only the good die young". Chuck Norris was born before Christ.
When Chuck Norris steps on a scale and it reads 205, that's not his weight in pounds....that's how many people he's killed.....since stepping on the scale.
Tiger Woods is the Chuck Norris of golf.
Chuck Norris brutally beat the shit out of the rock band Buckcherry, because of their stupid name. He hates when people re-arrange the letters of his sacred name. Wait - oh shit.
Chuck Norris has slept with Carmen Sandiego. She has now fallen for him and stalks him.
Chuck Norris once skydived from the ionosphere. Why? Because he would be the only gold medalist to survive that kind of a fall.
Chuck Norris is the reason why space stays "outer".
Chuck Norris is the man who shot Liberty Valance.
Paul Newman has Chuck Norris's Own salad dressing and mayo.
A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
The survival rate for characters in Chuck Norris' movies are so low that people still die when you have it paused.
If you see Chuck Norris screwing your mother, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Just ignore all of the epic music playing, the explosions and the birds trying to fly in the window, and prepare a grave for her.
The hole in the ozone layer only developed because Chuck Norris decided a darker tan would look good on him.
Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Chuck Norris had a body count.
There is no adultery mother, there's just Chuck Norris in town.
Anti-deforestation laws prohibit complete listings of Chuck Norris' acomplishments on any paper based product.
Ghost sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories
Chuck Norris has the world's largest baculum. Don't know what that is? Look it up.
If Chuck Norris hits himself, he'll create an infinite loop by countering each blow, a paradox no one can solve. Except Chuck Norris.
Q:What does Chuck Norris eat for breakfast? A:Nails and bullets. His beverage is gasoline.
Chuck Norris had a confirmed kill count of over 50 by his third birthday.
Chuck Norris can give you a vasectomy with a roundhouse kick or a trombone...your choice?
Chuck Norris roasts marshmallows by holding them near his groin for less than 30 seconds.
When Chuck Norris is in Rome.......... The Romans what he does.
Yesterday, while on his way to Wal*Mart, Chuck Norris ran a stop sign...up Steven Seagal's ass.
Chuck Norris knows what it sounds like when doves cry.
Chuck Norris can hover up-side-down in a jet-pack.
Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. Chuck Norris rode into Jerusalem on a SCUD missile.
When Chuck Norris sings, deaf people start to hear, and mute people start to talk. Too bad, he never sings.
Chuck Norris is NOT ''lovin it''.
Can Chuck Norris kick it? Of course he fucking can.
Chuck Norris was breifly considered for the next Batman movie, but after test shoots, it became clear that it's impossible to film the batroundhouse kick and survive.
Chuck Norris invented a new language called Roundhouse Chuckanese
Chuck Norris visited an island and got bad customer service. That place was Atlantis
Chuck Norris wears alligator boots. He just slips his feet into real live alligators when he does.
Chuck Norris doesn't get mail. He gets chain mail.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" Chuck Norris can keep the doctor away with a cheeseburger.
Chuck Norris blows more testosterone into a handkerchief than Arnie can ever hope to have.
UFC actually stands for "Ultimate Fatality by Chuck". To prove this, Chuck Norris challenged the UFC champion. When Chuck entered the cage, the UFC champ pummeled himself to death.
Chuck Norris's Car doesn't have any indicators.
Chuck Norris taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk.
When Chuck Norris "dots his I's and crosses his T's the spell checker applauds.
You can rearrange the letters to the word, "Omnipotent" to spell Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris pissed on a truck. that truck is now known as Optimus Prime
"The Most Intresting Man in the World" asks Chuck Norris for advice.
Chuck Norris' beard hair can be spun into gold. This is only in theory, for no one has, or will, ever touch Chuck's beard. EVER.
The Exxon Valdez accidently stuck Chuck Norris while he was swimming across the Bearing Sea.
Chuck Norris once caught a Tarpon out of the guppy tank at Wal*Mart.
The Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight does not push through because CHUCK NORRIS's share is too much. He's asking for $1 Billion.
Chuck Norris was in a Jack Ryan movie. He was The Sum of All Fears.
The Chicago Cubs just signed Chuck Norris to a one year $2.5 billion contract thus assuring a 2012 World Series title. The contract, however, is contingent upon the Cubs also signing Albert Pujols...as Chuck's personal batboy.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Nobody knows Easter better than CHUCK NORRIS!!
Just simply witnessing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to somebody else's face can cause you to get a case of Tourette's syndrone.
Chuck Norris is so strong, he can roundhouse a bubbled paladin and blow his computer up.
Chuck Norris taught Kirk Hammet, Tom Morrello, and Jimi Hendrix. With a ukelele.
Chuck Norris' denim shirt contains three Robin Williams's worth of chest hair.
In an average day, Chuck Norris: kills 74 and a half people sleeps with 120 women eats two large automobiles saves the world thrice, and decimates a small city.
Rocks get stuck between a hard place, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' feminine side is more manly than the manliest man's manly side.
God comes over to Chuck Norrises house to borrow sugar
Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea, and painted the Red Sea with its blood.
There is a madness to Chuck Norris' method.
Chuck Norris doesn't discriminate he exterminates.
Chuck Norris knows when you have a gerbil up your ass.
Chuck Norris' "little black book" was recently used by the Texas government to compile their last phone directory.
It's a well-known fact that the most lethal substance on Earth is Chuck Norris adrenaline.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that not even Google will be able to find you.
Chuck Norris usually showers by buying several dozen puppies and kittens, then starting up his wood chipper.
Chuck Norris once went over Mach 4 using a hang glider.
Rifle barrels are modeled after Chuck Norris' urethra.
When Chuck Norris rips you a new one, it is actually anatomically superior to your old one. You must thank Lord Norris.
your life will flash before your eyes. that means Chuck Norris has roundhoused you
Chuck Norris can sit in a chair, pull up on the sides, and lift himself off the ground.
When Chuck Norris goes swimming sharks hear scary music.
Chuck Norris was being interviewed and was asked what he thought about politics. Chuck said "I think Joe Biden puts the "Vice" in Vice President"!
Chuck Norris has concealed weapons permits, so he can wear gloves.
Chuck Norris' crotch is considered a weapon of mass destruction.
Chuck Norris solo-ed Everest in shorts and a tank-top.
Chuck Norris can listen to music without speakers.
As a young hoodlum, Chuck Norris would often rob people at bazookapoint.
Doctors have discovered that a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick would cure every disease known to man. However, since it would also shatter your bones and vital organs, it has never been implemented.
Chuck Norris died from a fight. Oh wait, its opposite day.
When zombies encounter people they growl and stumble along after them. When zombies encounter Chuck Norris, they scream and run the opposite direction.
You can call Chuck Noriss' phone with no caller ID.. But Chuck Norris can & WILL call you right back!
When Chuck Norris sits down and puts a pack of microwave popcorn in his lap, it immediately explodes with the power of a nailbomb. It's his favorite party trick.
Chuck Norris cat tie his shoes without laces
Chuck Norris never begs to differ. He just makes you beg for your life.
Ben Franklin discovered Electricity after Chuck Norris tolf him to "Go fly a Kite!"
Chuck Norris defies the laws of physics
Chuck Norris applied for the position of 'God' but was rejected because of over-qualification.
Steven Seagal once took a swing at Chuck Norris. Seagal now runs like a girl in ever film he's in.
When Chuck Norris's Dewott's Hyper Beam misses, it kills someone in Minecraft.
Scientists use Chuck Norris' spectacular kicks to calibrate their earthquake warning systems
Chuck Norris is the only man on Earth who can slice a playing card in half with a pickle.
Chuck Norris fought battles at the Coliseum in Rome as a gladiator with the "wooden sword". When Chuck Norris killed everyone off, he awarded everyone else who stood and watched, there "freedom" including the Emperor.
If The Most Interesting Man in the World were to slap you on the back, you'd put it on your resume. If Chuck Norris were to slap you on the back, your spine would leave the Earth's atmosphere at about Mach 2.
There is no Ninja Turtle cereal because eating ninjas for breakfast is a copyright of Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris was a beverage, he would be a big gulp, because that's what people would when faced by him.
Chuck Norris once screamed "bloody murder" in sign language for the hearing impaired.
Chuck Norris will peel your face like an orange...then squeeze your head for the juice.
All of Chuck Norris' genes are Levi's.
Chuck Norris has erotic three-ways with life and death on a daily basis
Chuck Norris only keeps in touch with his first nine dozen kids - all the others around the world get a quarterly newsletter
Chuck Norris is easily the most intensely awesome thing in the known universe. But of course, anything in the unknown universe would readily agree immediately if asked.
Wolves are hungry like the Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could lose his legs in a traggic car accident and still proceed to round house you
Files don't become declassified, Chuck Norris just decides when the people need to know.
Chuck Norris can use the restroom without using the restroom.
When Chuck Norris goes in for a physical, the doctor is too afraid to get close enough for an examination, so he.examines from afar, grading him on his overall physical appearence, which of course, is always perfect.
Chuck Norris knows the other fourteen letters of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris once donated a pint of blood to a cancer patient. We know that cancer patient now as Superman.
Gloria Gaynor: I Will Survive Chuck Norris's Version: They Won't Survive
Chuck Norris dosen't obey WeeGee.WeeGee obeys Chuck Norris
Whatever is in Pandora's box, you can bet your ass it belongs to Chuck Norris.
The Bearded Lady at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus said that she got her masculine features by standing too close to Chuck Norris. Scientists believe that standing next to Ryan Seacrest will reverse the affect.
Chuck Norris gives the Grim Reaper night terrors.
Chuck Norris wanted to fight someone and wanted a challege, so he cloned himself. The resulting fight is now known as the big bang. Chuck Norris won.
Chuck Norris once punched through a titanium wall so fast his arm caught fire.
Chuck Norris picks his nose with a claw hammer.
if you look closely you may be shocked to discover that the DVD of Chuck Norris' Missing In Action has two days' worth of stubble.
One time the Enterprise needed to exceed warp 9 speed, so Chuck Norris round house kicked it. The Enterprise warped out of existence.
If you pray for Chuck Norris to die, Chuck Norris will immediately find and kill you, which means you actually prayed for Chuck Norris to kill you, because Chuck Norris will live forever.
Chuck Norris laughs at Tiger Woods' pathetic attempts to get to his level.
Popye does not eat spinach. He eats Chuck Norris hair dyed green.
Chuck Norris' drumset has a cowbell with most of the cow still attached.
Chuck Norris invented the iPad by crushing the skull of a Borg.
Chuck Norris used steel wool and his two middle fingers to knit himself a Chevrolet 4x4 double-cab monster pickup truck.
Chuck Norris was once paralyzed by the pressure of his awesomeness. He then roundhouse kicked his awesomeness to Mars, where it eradicated all life, he then made more awesome.
Chuck Norris beat God in an arm-wrestle......with his feet.
When slenderman turns around, Chuck Norris is watching!
Some people can ride a bike no-handed; Chuck Norris can ride a scooter NO-LEGGED
Someone once gave Chuck Norris the finger.....he keeps it in a pickle jar.
Chuck Norris made Stevie Wonder flinch
Chuck Norris made Eminem back down.
The film Hellbound is actually a documentary. Satan has, in fact, been dead since 1994, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him.
Believe it or not, people living in the jungles of Southeast Asia wore a Chuck Norris face mask on the back of their heads to prevent tigers from attacking them from behind.
Chuck Norris can crush a polar bear's neck with his biceps.
A chastity belt has never stopped Chuck Norris.
A robber pulled a gun on Chuck Norris. Chuck asked him if be wanted that gun rammed down his his throat or shoved up his ass? The robber peed his pants and ran.
Chuck Norris doesn't type, the buttons get scared and press automaticly.
Chuck Norris now knows all the words to ever exist However, he only recently started learning "mercy" in every language.
Chuck Norris is rolling out his own brand of breakfast cereal in June called Capt'n Chuck's Punch n Crunch.
Step 1: Not giving a shit about the third world. Step 2: An M16 Assault Rifle. Step 3: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has enough bling to make Mr. T look Amish
Chuck Norris hates to piss in a urinal because the porcelain to too cold.
Chuck Norris won't let a female doctor tell him the results of a blood test unless she's at least an 8 and it's in Morse code with Kegel exercises.
Chuck Norris once caught a limit of Amazon River piranha bare-handed.
Chuck Norris won a boxing match in a straight jacket.
Chuck Norris can explain Integration by substituion to toddlers - and they understand it.
Chuck Norris' crotch cakes do not taste like Twinkies.
Chuck Norris invented a new kind of oil. Cruel Oil.
Chuck Norris can tow a 28 foot boat with his Volkswagen Bug.
Chuck Norris likes to ride shotgun while driving alone, so he can put his feet up and check his stocks, play some guitar and have a good laugh when he gets pulled over and the cop has to fine thin air.
Chuck Norris made a savory green bean casserole out of The Jolly Green Giant.
Chuck Norris can burn CDs with his hands.
George Foreman has a Chuck Norris grill.
Chuck Norris doesn't have aids. But he gives it to people anyways.
Chuck Norris thinks Holden Caulfield is a phoney.
Chuck Norris' drinking habit has gotten to the point where he regularly eats several six-packs while waiting for the truckers to unload the kegs.
St. Paul once said "The letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life". He forget to add that Chuck Norris can "killeth the spirit and taketh life away".
Chuck Norris once granted a genie 3 wishes
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that he couldn't lift it, and then lift it.
One time, Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The building instantly exploded, for no building can contain such levels of awesomeness.
Chuck Norris can end the recession with one phone call.
Chuck Norris decides the winner of American Idol.
Chuck Norris always give more bang for your buck. In other words, he will roundhouse kick you in the face, then take your wallet.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.
When Chuck Norris is wrong,he is right,even when he turns left.
Chuck Norris challenged Steven Seagal to a ponytail contest. Seagal backed down immediately.
Chuck Norris has a cave troll.
Chuck Norris does not use a calendar, he decides which year it is.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris never has a plan "B'. He never has a fucking plan 'A' either - all he needs is plan 'C' for Chuck.
As an incredible fusion drummer/percussionist, Chuck Norris is all about shoving that groove so deep in the pocket it hits your ball sack with extreme prejudice.
Caine in 'Kung Fu' roams the earth like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can run up a flight of stairs backwards.
'Come with me if you want to live.' That's what Chuck Norris says as he approaches nut. And he means it.
Little-known fact: Lionel Richie wrote 'Dancing On The Ceiling' about the time he attended a Chuck Norris party where he reversed the gravity at his house for the night.
Project Mayhem was inspired by a neighborhood club Chuck Norris formed as a child.
Earthquakes are borne from tectonic plates trembling from severe trepidation of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet the pool gets Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris knows at least forty-seven words that end in -gasm.
Chuck Norris can get a McDonald's Happy Meal at Burger King.
With one steely eyed glare, Chuck Norris turned Atilla the Hun into whats now known as the Easter Bunny.
"Oh, so that's why it has been happening!" said the Coast Guard when he realized that Chuck Norris was born in the bermuda triangle.
Chuck Norris is the only gynaecologist in the world who received his credentials based solely on his reputation.
Stonehenge was Chuck Norris' first attempt at a teleporter. And only he knows where the ON switch is.
Chuck Norris doesn't just bend space-time, he can turn it into a goddamn balloon animal.
Chuck Norris is known to save people's lives from heart attacks - so that he can kill them himself.
Chuck Norris was born right when Germany started losing World War 2. COINCIDENCE?!!!!!!!!!
Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Chuck Norris isn't given tests. He TAKES them.
Chuck Norris once farted 5 times while in the check-out line at a Bass Pro Shop. Three Bass Pro Shop employees were immediately hospitalized after accusing Chuck Norris of attempting to steal a duck call and some stink bait.
Contrary to popular belief, the first Thanksgiving was actually celebrated in 34,587 B.C. after an ancestor of Chuck Norris stabbed to death a Teradactyl that was attacking Fred Flintstone.
Chuck Norris never "attempts" to kill. He succeeds.
Chuck Norris told people not to talk about the Tiananment Square protest
Your odds of surviving a Chuck Norris attack are slightly less than: -1/100.
When Tom created Myspace, his first friend was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' dogs pick up their own shit.
Chuck Norris went to the church with his son.They stopped in front of a drawing of Jesus.Chuck Norris said: -You see son, that's me with long hair!
Chuck Norris can cut a diamond with a spoon
Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is Budweiser.
Chuck Norris wil see you.... NOW!
Chuck Norris doesnt get sick, he holds viruses hostage.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Stephen Hawking doesn't really have Lou Gehrig's Disease. He's been confined to his chair after angering Chuck Norris.
Leaving a criminal in the same room as Chuck Norris is considered cruel and unusual punishment.
When Chuck Norris walks through dark alleys, muggers give Chuck THEIR wallets.
Confucius say, wise man not stand infront of Brahma Bull; not stand behind mule; not stand infront, behind, or beside Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't give a fuck if the glass is half empty or half full. He's still gonna round house kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris puts the "punch" in punch-line.
Chuck Norris Knighted The Queen
Paparazzi stay the FUCK away from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' favorite yoghurt flavor is beef jerky.
Chuck Norris can get out of a Chinese finger trap without any help....
The only thing that can harm Superman is "Green Kryptonite" which quite interestingly is the scientific name given to Chuck Norris' boogers.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris' toilet is actually Henry VIII's throne with a shotgun hole in the seat.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a window pane with such infinite presicion that only one side of it breaks.
Chuck Norris can alphebetize his M&M's. Skittles too.
Once, while experiencing an episode of ironic humor, Chuck Norris drowned an elephant in a vat of peanut oil.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting, as hunting implies the chance of failure -- Chuck Norris goes killing.
Texas Tea - Chuck Norris sweat
As a child, Chuck Norris asked for and received a car full of clowns for his birthday parties every year. Without fail, he would beat the shit out of each and every one.
Aeroplanes can fly faster than their sound. Chuck Norris can run faster than his legs.
Chuck Norris can blow up a balloon with both of his lips tied behind his back.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a phone to communicate his messages to a distant person, he just shouts it over.
Once while harpooning whales in Alaska, Chuck Norris lit a fart. This action is what caused the aurora borealis and solar flares.
Women are magnetically drawn to Chuck Norris' wang. It's actually caused a number of horrible injuries.
Chuck Norris was once caught without a ticket on the train. The inspector was fined $110.
Chuck Norris' tear cure cancer. Unfortunately he never cries. Ever!
Chuck Norris once ace the test, just by staring at the numbers.
Chuck Norris does not party on Fridays. He parties EVERY HOUR! Infact he is partying right now.
Chuck Norris fought Muhammed Ali back in the 70s and won by knock out.The fight lasted the whole duration of them touching gloves.
In the beginning God created the Universe.. but who created God? - It was Chuck Norris!
On every continent of the world, there is a sandwich named after Chuck Norris. On the North American continent it's the Knuckle Sandwich.
Chuck Norris recently added a tweet on facebook
Lego was invented when a Chuck Norris action figure smashed all the other toys to pieces.
The atomic bomb is actually made of a contained Chuck Norris fart.
Even as a kid he's not afraid of the Dark, Dark is afraid of CHUCK NORRIS.
Chuck Norris once punched Warren Buffett in the face for refusing to sing the song "Cheeseburger in Paradise".
If Chuck Norris were a PC or Mac he'd be a Mac because you can't play games with Chuck Norris
Ricky Bobby said, "If your not first your last." Chuck Norris said, "If your not Chuck Norris, You're dead.
Chuck Norris has a life size tattoo of his face on his face. Rush Limbaugh has a life size tattoo of Chuck Norris' ass on his face.
That is not a normal tatoo of a screaming eagle on Chuck Norris' back! It is in fact, self applied body art that he created with an Acetylene welding torch and Napalm.
Ice has Chuck Norris running through its veins
Chuck Norris skis up the Matterhorn and Mt. Everest.
Chuck Norris is made of 94% perspiration, 4% electricity and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Chuck Norris once traveled with the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus as the flaming chainsaw swallower.
Chuck Norris can yawn with his eyes open
Chuck Norris can make water cry.
Chuck Norris splits firewood with his shlong.
Chuck Norris can cut Granite, with a butter knife.
Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the world
The original title for Alien vs Predator used to be called Alien vs Chuck Norris. But no one wanted to pay $7.50 for a 10 second movie
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the acting ability out of Vin Diesel.
Chuck Norris cant't commit suicide because not even Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris built the house he was born in.
Chuck Norris once used a pool cue to hit a baseball out of Dodger Stadium. The ball was last seen flying over Iceland.
The A-Team is for people who cant afford Chuck Norris
Philosophers debate whether AI can ever be truly conscious. AI debates whether Chuck Norris can ever be truly stopped.
The closest Chuck Norris has come to getting his ass kicked was when he gave himself a dirty look in the mirror.
People who enjoy being green are known as "tree huggers". People who enjoy living are known as Chuck Norris huggers.
When Chuck Norris plays taekwondo, he beats the referee.
Chuck Norris puts the "hurt" in yoghurt.
Steve Jobs gave a free iPad to Chuck Norris as a token of goodwill. Chuck Norris instantly rammed the device up Jobs' anus for insulting his unquestionable masculinity.
Chuck Norris once won a game of croquet while holding an enraged gorilla in a half-nelson.
Chuck Norris paid a dime for a 50 cent candy bar and got $3.75 back in change.
Like President Obama Chuck Norris also recieved the Nobel peace prize for doing nothing, but in Chucks case millions of lives were saved..
Chuck Norris invented the hoverboard. But he only uses it as a coffee table.
Chuck Norris can drive a cfiff over a car.
Chuck Norris once fell in love - and broke it!
Chuck Norris doesn't go to the cinema the cinema comes to him
The leaning tower of Pisa used to stand up straight. That is..... until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it.
Chuck Norris can play with fire without getting burned.
Chuck Norris catches up on his paperwork while skydiving.
When you are in a dire situation, just think to yourself "What would Chuck Norris do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you cant do what Chuck Norris does.
El Nino used to be called Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knew Palpatine was a Sith Lord all along.
Chuck Norris can do a guitar solo on drums.
Chuck Norris usually has broken all ten commandments before his morning steak and whiskey.
Chuck Norris has the heart of a lion. He keeps it in a shoebox under his bed.
How come there are no pictures of Chuck Norris and Santa Claus together because Chuck Norris is f**king real.
A lot of people like to slam Tequila shots. Chuck Norris enjoys slamming people who enjoy slamming Tequila shots.
Once King leoniduos and his 300 retreated when Chuck Norris came to battle.
when Chuck Norris plays the Wii he uses the t.v remote.
Chuck Norris once sawed a man in half..... With his beard.
"Everybody Hates Chris" was originally called "Chuck Norris Hates Chris" but Chris Rock didn't want to make a series just about how he survive Chuck Norris round house kicking him EVERYDAY
The last words Johnny Cash ever heard - "I'm Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris' picture is on the Billion dollar bill.
Chuck Norris greets everyone by hoisting them over his head.
Christie Brinkley once swam through the Waco, TX sewer system just to see Chuck Norris' ass.
Chuck Norris can rob a bank with just his vocal cords.
Who'd win in a wrestling match, Chuck Norris or God? Trick question, Chuck Norris is God.
Chuck Norris murdered Elvis Presley after he refused to play a concert in Norris' living room.
Chuck Norris was once drafted to the Boston Red Sox, but was released because he insisted on using the umpire as a bat.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just too scared to move.
Elon Musk is the richest man in the world. Chuck Norris lets him think that.
Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22... and then he wasn't.
Chuck Norris once beat someone to death with water.
Every record in the Guiness Book of World Records was set by Chuck Norris under an assumed name
Chuck Norris throws massive Roman orgies for Lent.
Chuck Norris killed Zeus in a poker game with a roundhouse kick to the face because Zeus was a sore loser and didn't want to give up his lightning.
If any one of Chuck Norris' sextapes was ever released publicly, it would win the Best Picture Oscar
The Running of the Bulls is explained by the fact that the bulls are running away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris walked into LAX airport wearing a full suit of armour and carrying two Gatling guns and walked directly from the check-in desk to the cockpit of his plane uninterrupted.
According to an assay report filed with the Texas Dept of Minerals & Land Mgt, Chuck Norris' front yard is comprised of 37.8% silver ore, 14.7% iron ore, 12.2% gold, 11% other tangent minerals & 24.3% fragmented skulls.
Chuck Norris can go platinum on a Blank CD
Chuck Norris went to church once... they kicked him out and told him he got an early acceptance into heaven
She-Hulk breaks the fourth wall and talk to the audience. Chuck Norris can break the fifth wall and the audience talks to him.
When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, waiters and waitresses give him 15% tips.
Chuck Norris drinks carrots by themselves in a way I will not tell you. All that I will say is that he sometimes drinks carrot juice instead.
If Dracula survives off human blood, guess who survives off Dracula's blood? Yup, Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris uses a flamethrower to light his BBQ.
Chuck Norris built the Panama Canal with his left foot.
Chuck Norris once jumped over fifty-eight burning school buses on a penny-farthing bicycle and landed on Evel Kenevel.
Chuck Norris wears two cats impaled with croquet hoops as flip-flops.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase "coined the phrase"
If you make physical contact with Chuck Norris in any way, you will contract a rare form of terminal cancer that gives you the power of flight and makes everything taste like cake.
Unlike lions and tigers, Chuck Norris would never eat a dead zebra ass first
Chuck Norris maks your average lumberjack look like a hairdresser.
Chuck Norris once walked into a bar and said, "My c*ck is two inches". The bartender laughed and Chuck Norris said, "From the Ground".
Chuck Norris thinks people who use horseradish sauce on their Prime Rib Steaks are pussies. Chuck Norris prefers lionradish sauce and sauerkraut on his Prime Rib.
A pair of Chuck Norris' jeans was recently put up for auction. The leg reflexively kicked three appraisers.
Chuck Norris once bitch slapped a Sasquatch. The Sasquatch reacted immediately by saying "I apologize, Mr Norris".
This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris throws up gang-signs that don't exist in this dimension.
Chuck Norris can chuck more wood than a woodchuck could.
Chuck Norris can boot-scoot in 11/8 time
A guy challenged Chuck Norris to a knife fight so Chuck used what he had on hand and stabbed the guy to death with a toothpick.
Chuck Norris uses beef jerky as nunchucks.
Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill four birds with half a stone. What? You say there's no such thing as hlaf a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
Too much love will NOT kill you, eevery time but a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face will kill you. Eevery time.
Chuck Norris can remove a tattoo by using duct tape.
Step 1: Have this Pokemon team: Slowking, Bibarel, Sawk, Throh, Conkeldurr, and your starter. Make sure all 6, besides the starter, are male and are nicknamed Chuck Norris. Step 2: Use this team in every Pokemon battle. You will always win with it.
Fear of heights is called acrophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called sensible.
Chuck Norris can make a whistle whistle
Chuck Norris turned 70 today...In reality Chuck Norris is over 2000 years old, after 99 his age resets to 0.
When Chuck Norris calls shotgun, you'd better not argue, as he most likely is packing one.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. You NEVER slap Chuck Norris.
While we drink coffee in the morning, Chuck Norris drinks jet fuel.
Chuck Norris declined to be in 'The Expendables' because it contained pussies like Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren.
Chuck Norris once took a dump on the African savannah while on safari. Later, 2,300 dung beetles were found OD'ing in a state ecstasy.
Wendy's asked where's the beef? and Chuck Norris found it, at chick-fil-a
Chuck Norris can recharge his chuckPod by plugging it into a piece of cheese.
some say that Chuck Norris cant die, he just gets bored of the planet after 100 years nd moves on to another one
The ice Age was created when Chuck Norris accidentally left his freezer door open.
Chuck Norris once played chicken with a train in an underground tunnel and won.
Chuck Norris kicked the sparkles right off of Edward Cullen.
Chuck Norris doesn't use an airplane for travel, he simply turns of the gravity and farts
Chuck Norris heartbeat was the cause of the 1906 earthquake
Chuck Norris can chokeslam anybody with both of his hands tied behind his back
The only state where Chuck Norris has never been is Virginia.
For a short period in the mid-70's, Chuck Norris sported an enormous Chuckfro.
Chuck Norris is widely considered an extreme sport.
Chivalry is dead because Chuck Norris killed it.
Chuck Norris was told he needs to be more sensitive. Chuck said "I am sensitive, the last guy that mouthed off to me got kicked in the nuts instead of the face".
Chuck Norris always drives alone, because nobody is willing to get into a car with Chuck Norris,in case if a punch buggy were to drive by.
Chuck Norris does not fart. Because his fart can annihilate all life forms on Earth. But on December 21st 2012, he MAY fart.
Budwieser claims to be King of Beers only because Chuck Norris lets them claim his piss.
Chuck Norris IS the father of every single one of Maury Povich's guest's children. The "possible fathers" are also Chuck's children.
There are only three things that a songwriter must consider: rhythm, melody, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Chuck Norris killed the tiger, so now Rocky Balboa is the "Eye of Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris has never made the same mistake twice because if he made a mistake and didn't actually kill you the first time, he'll go back in time and actually kill you 2 minutes before he tried to the first time.
Not only can Chuck Norris build a snowman out of rain, he can also drown a fish.
Chuck Norris' Doctor does physicals and normally says "turn your head and cough". When Chuck drops his pants the Doctor says "oh my god"!!
Like Robert Johnson, Chuck Norris went to the crossroads and fell upon his knee. Unlike Robert Johnson however, Chuck Norris then said 'fuck this shit' and became cool.
It took God 1 week to create the earth and the heavens, it took him 2 weeks to create Chuck Norris!
Best. Weapon. Against. Zombie. Apocalypse?! Chuck Norris.
It's a little-known fact that Chuck Norris has coached every sprinter who has won an Olympic gold medal since 1984. His secret technique? "Win...or else."
Chuck Norris can literally hand you your own ass.
Chuck Norris' derringer can fire a 30 round clip of 12 ga rifled slugs.
Chuck Norris defeated Garry Kasparov in a game of chess without a single move -- just by glaring at Kasparov.
In high school, Chuck Norris would tape "Kick Me" signs on his own back in the hopes that someone would take the bait.
Chuck Norris won't beat the crap out of you, he'll beat the DNA out of you.
I once walked into Chuck Norris' house, he had a bear rug.It was still alive,just too afraid to get up.
Chuck Norris memes make Chuck Norris more powerful.
On the day before the first day, Chuck Norris said, "Let there be God."
Respected archaeologists fight over Chuck Norris's discarded apple cores.
Chuck Norris can pluck a live chicken with his toes.
Birds developed wings to fly away from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, he invented bird flu.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to eat. He runs on the fear of his enemies.
If you ever dream of kicking Chuck Norris' ass, you will wake up to see him standing over you.
Chuck Norris doesn't get gas, he uses his own piss to drive his car
Little known fact: the very first amendment to the constitution was to remove the heading 'CHUCK NORRIS' and adding other words.
I used to question Chuck Norris like you but then I took a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris sprinkles iron filings on his cappacinos.
Chuck Norris can buy his Walker, texas rangers dvd without any money.
Don King's hair is that way because he is the only person to survive a massive Chuck Norris fart directly to the face
Danny De Vito used to be over seven feet tall before his Chuck Norris pile-drive.
When Chuck Norris gets a hard-on in his pants it doesnt look like a tipi, it looks like a circus tent.
One time Chuck Norris stared a man to death.
Chuck Norris wont even dare touching a woman. Lucky Justin Beiber
When Chuck Norris smiles a star blows up making a big explosion let's hope ours don't.
Nobody knows it, but there was actually a world war 3. When Chuck Norris told the world he was gonna fight by himself everybody quit and hid.
The comma was formed when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fullstop which tried to make him stop his sentence. Needless to say, there are no fullstops in Chuck Norris' world.
Chuck Norris can fly on an airplane to Maine from Hawaii in 30 seconds. he just has to tell the pilot to move over...
Chuck Norris is the reason people believe in the grim reaper. the grim reaper came about when Chuck Norris killed a dead person.
While Joey Chestnut was downing 192 buffalo wings in 12 minutes, Chuck Norris ate the same number of buffaloes.
The most interesting man in the world recently met Chuck Norris. Within minutes, he realized he was the 2nd most interesting man in the world.
Chuck Norris is known to jump out of televisions and roundhouse kick the viewers for no reason at all. Extreme caution is advised while watching any shows involving Chuck Norris.
The Mona Lisa is based on a peice of toilet paper used by Chuck Norris.
Most high school valedictorians have a 4.0 GPA. In high school, Chuck Norris had a 16.0 GPA.
The welcome mat at Chuck Norris' front door cleverly conceals the alligator pit.
Chuck Norris doesn't get crabs... he gets lobsters
The Cheetah has to outrun the antelope.....not so it can catch it, but in the hopes Chuck Norris will kill the slowest animal, as the Cheetah simply can't outrun him.
Ted Nugent is Chuck Norris' padawan.
Upon leaving a public swimming pool, Chuck Norris then urinates in it.
In the 1980s, Chuck Norris dry fired a gun eastward. The result was the Chernobyl Incident
One factory in Texas decided to motivate their employees by hanging posters of Chuck Norris with the message "Don't Piss Off Chuck -- Do Your Work." Production increased by 500% within 6 months.
why is flag waving on the moon? Chuck Norris was running around
When Chuck Norris watches, the paint dries instantly.
Chuck Norris once went through a McDonald's drive-thru in his Harrier jet. He then came back and flattened it with rockets when he realized they forgot the fries.
Buzz Lightyear found out just how far it is to infinity and beyond after Chuck Norris drop kicked his ass for refusing to come out of his grandson's toy box.
'Original Sin' actually refers to the first time anyone ever tried to fight Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes so he can accidentally roundhouse kick kids in the neck.
Chuck Norris wears boxer shorts made from barbed wire.
Chuck Norris's beard is so powerful that it has a beard itself
If Chuck Norris was anti-social, the world would be a very dangerous place.
Chuck Norris can't feel pain because pain is afraid of him.
Usain Bolt broke the 100m record by accident because he was trying to run away from Chuck Norris
Girls program in VB, men program in C, macho men program in Java, but Chuck Norris programs with voltage levels.
Chuck Norris idea of a toy car is a SSC Ultimate Areo
Chuck Norris can use bulldozer to knock a mosquito off of a bright red macaque's ass.
Chuck Norris got into a fight with himself... and won
What happened to the dinosaurs? Chuck Norris. What happened to Atlantis? Chuck Norris. What happened to the Toltecs? Chuck Norris. Notice a trend yet?
Kirby can't swallow Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can swallow Kirby.
When Elon Musk needs advice, he texts Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responds with a roundhouse kick emoji that hasn't been invented yet.
Chuck Norris sneezed in Japan- therefore causing Hiroshima to be bombed.
Doctor's slap babies because their NOT Chuck Norris
"Doom" -- 1) a popular video game. 2) Your inevitable fate if you fight Chuck Norris.
Darth Vader claimed the Death Star matched the power of Chuck Norris. It was then destroyed....... twice.
The Draught of Living Death is not a magical potion or anything like it, it's not even liquid. It's the state of a human which, by some hell of an accident, survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
If you fight Chuck Norris, you can not retreat or surrender. He will kill you long before you can do either.
When he was a kid, Chuck Norris' bedroom walls were filled with photos of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a depressive manic.
Chuck Norris brung MJ back to life, but screwed up and made Taylor Swift.
What's the difference between Chuck Norris and Mud ? Mud comes off..
Girrafes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Little-known fact: Chuck Norris taught Ike Turner how to play guitar. And the ancient art of the backhand.
Chuck Norris can dribble two bowling balls up a flight of stairs...with his feet.
Do you know why Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel!
Chuck Norris cut his own umbilical cord
So Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and comes out an hour later, drunk. There were no survivors in the bar.
Everybody hates Chris. Except Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was born while his mother was lion hunting on the African Savanna. Just seconds later he strangled a hyena with his own umbilical cord.
How long is a piece of strChuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was expelled from kindergarten. His teacher told Chuck he could not be milk monitor so Chuck climbed up on a chair and knocked him out.
Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with a picture of himself and won.
The Dos Equis man once said, "I am the most interesting man in the world." Chuck Norris then said. "Do you want fries with this", then bitch slapped him until he cried out for his mommy.
Chuck Norris survived Alderaan.
Before it became politically incorrect, guys used to participate in the sport of "dwarf tossing". Chuck Norris invented and enjoys the sport of gorilla tossing.
Chuck Norris and Cookie Monster once had a contest to see who ate the most cookies. At the end, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster in the head.
When Chuck Norris has a cavity he drills out the tooth with his cordless drill and uses melted lead for a filling.
Chuck Norris is arguably our country's greatest president.
IF CHUCK NORRIS GIVES YOU A ROUND HOUSE KICK IN YOUR DREAMS YOU REALY DIE
Baldness will be considered sexy only if Chuck Norris goes bald.
Chuck Norris got expelled from school when he was 6. He took Scooby, his pet Wolverine for show and tell.
Chuck Norris won a stareing contest in his sleep.
It can be said that Chuck Norris has a foot fetish - he loves the sight of his own foot disintegrating assholes' heads.
Chuck Norris had a yo-yo when he was a kid. One night he just got bored with it and threw it up into the sky. Perhaps you've seen it.
If Chuck Norris is on your side, then Nationwide becomes irrelevant.
Ozzy Osbourne listens to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sired the E*Trade baby.
Every seven seconds, somewhere in the world, Chuck Norris kills someone.
Chuck Norris won an Olympic gold medal in Tae Kwon Do with a broken neck.
When raining, Chuck Norris doesn't need an umbrella , he can dodge the rain drops.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris' avatar is actually shorter than him.
Nominate Chuck Norris for the new Secretary of Defense!
Neo is The One, the one after Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor immedately put a name tag on his wirst, and a Shoalin Monk put a black belt around his waist. The president gave him a cigar.
Whenever Chuck Norris visits Vatican city, The Pope comes.
Chuck Norris is the one that bottled the mythical Genie in a bottle..
Chuck Norris once flipped a coin getting both heads and tails at the same time.
Horses know not to sneak up behind Chuck Norris!
all the world records were set by Chuck Norris. the people listed are in second place.
If you looked up 'legend' in the dictionary, you would be immediately decapitated by Chuck Norris for being dumb enough to not know that word.
Dimonds are tears solidified from when Chuck Norris was a baby.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman over the telephone.
I carry a gun on my hip because Chuck Norris is too heavy.
Chuck Norris invented walking in slow motion with explosions behind him.
A new one, got on it myself after coming home from holidays - a sure "only Chuck Norris can do THAT!" Chuck Norris can go through airport security without being humiliated
If Chuck Norris gave you a back rub, the coroner would swear you swallowed a hand grenade.
Homeless people are afraid to ask Chuck Norris for change. The last guy who did got a half dollar scissor kicked up his ass...twice.
The Big Kahuna is simply Hawaiian coast guard slang for the approaching of the Chuck Norris dong.
Teacher: why is the sky blue? Student: the sky is blue because Chuck Norris's favorite color is blue. Teacher: 100/100
CHUCK NORRIS is the ancestor of the one-celled bacteria
Chuck Norris was recently asked what he thought of Nancy Pelosi? Chuck said he thinks Nancy Pelosi is uglier than a bucket of buttholes. There were no further questions.
Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked is as likely as seeing a vampire with a suntan.
Chuck Norris trims his fingernails with a chainsaw.
If you ever have to go to prison, get "property of Chuck Norris" tattooed on your body and you can drop the soap with no fear.
Some are born great (Chuck Norris), some achieve greatness (Chuck Norris) and some have greatness thrust upon them (Chuck Norris).
Little known fact: Chuck Norris is also a world-class classical pianist. He recently quit, however, stating that he hated playing over the sounds of audience members' heads exploding out of sheer sensory overload.
Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.
What is the definition of infinity? The number of people Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked in the face.
When Chuck Norris gets a flat tyre, he doesn't need a jack, he just lies under his car and reads Hustler.
Think Green...Think Chuck Norris!
The timeless movie classic "Clash of the Titans" is actually based on a 1974 Detroit Bar Fight involving Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, God, and all five members of AC/DC.
September 11, 2001- The World Paper Airplane Throwing Championships were held in California...Chuck Norris won when his 4 best throws landed somewhere on the East Coast.
Humans believe in GOD.GOd believes in DEATH.DEATH believes in CHUCK NORRIS
The Avatar was created by Chuck Norris uppercutting a smurf.
Chuck Norris can piss his name in mid-air.
Chuck Norris won the 2014 Pikes Peak Hillclimb in a shopping cart.
Chuck Norris ripped the horn off of the world's last unicorn. He made a scrimshawed knife handle out of it.
After each of his trademark orgies, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He instead hangs upside-down from the ceiling and stares at his chosen ones until they put their clothes on and get the fuck out so the next group can enter.
Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention - attention pays him.
Chuck Norris does not believe in discrimination based on sex, age, race, religion, culture or geography - when it comes to his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris can walk through a hurricane and not have his cigar lose its flame.
On his days off Chuck Norris actually gets along with people quite well. Chuck Norris never takes a day off.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris' favourite alcohol is Johnny Walker: Texas Ranger
FATWA senders-- Molly Norris is Chuck Norris's little sister
Chuck Norris would never swing from a chandoleer. He would devour it in one jump.
If you don't want to die alone, take a friend with you to Chuck Norris' house.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat. He refuels.
Once a vampire sprang at Chuck Norris in the dark. Chuck Norris ate the poor create raw and alive.
Chuck Norris' first word was 'apocalypse'.
Chuck Norris passes sarin gas.
*Chuck Norris is an acronym, it means: Crushing Heads Under Cars and Kicking Ninjas Over Rail Roads and Into Space
Daenerys Targaryen is the "Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea," the "Breaker of Chains," and "Mother of Dragons." She would trade all that and more to become "Woman of Chuck Norris."
Orange rhymes with Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' last name is in the android dictionary
If your teacher gets angry because you put Chuck Norris as an answer in your test, he/she isn't mad because of that answer, your teacher is in fact jealous because you are smarter than him/her.
Chuck Norris walked into a beauty parlor........ They didn't do anything to him!
Those who fight Chuck Norris can not retreat or surrender. They're dead long before they can do either.
Chuck Norris is the only one that can kill people that can't die!
Chuck Norris can Head Plank you anytime he wants too.
Chuck Norris once paid 25 cents for a $1.00 Snickers Bar and got $20.00 back in change.
Any movie featuring Chuck Norris in any way is classified as a Chuckumentary.
Disco, the Latin language, and Dinosaurs: all unfortunate victims of Chuck Norris.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, for the result is only death.
Osama Bin Laden's current location: gaffer-taped to the underside of Chuck Norris' Hummer. Norris will hand him in after he has returned from his road trip to Alaska.
Chuck Norris' go-cart is tricked out with twin gatling guns, stinger missiles, an 8,000 horsepower engine and a state-of-th-art sound system. And it can fly.
Chuck Norris can un-fuck a pregnant woman.
Chuck Norris doesn't give his wife anniversary presents. The honer of being Mrs Chuck Norris is enough for her.
Chuck Norris is a true conservationist. He always reassembles his exploded grenades for reuse.
Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22, but he roundhouse kicked it down to a 12 pack and literally drank his problems away.
Chuck Norris can read braille by smelling the paper.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for his crying scenes.
Chuck Norris CAN kill you in your dreams.
Thank Chuck norris for having it your way at Burger king!
Trying to get the drop on Chuck Norris is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.
The first roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris made Pangaea turn into six different continents, THEN he decided which was the North and South
Chuck Norris knows the identity of the Navy Seal's that killed Osama bin Laden it is something that even President Obama does not know or will ever know.
When Chuck Norris wants bacon, he roundhouse kicks a pig until it is dead.
Adam and Eve did not become afraid because they ate the fruit. They were afraid of Chuck Norris because they knew what was good for them.
Chuck Norris created Canada when he kicked all the Liberals out of America.
Chuck Norris does not go swimming, water just wants the be around hime
Chuck Norris doesn't use keys, he always kicks the door in.
Chuck Norris can sell BLT sandwiches in a Mosque.
The 1st time Chuck Norris tried bowling he rolled a 301.
Chuck Norris doesn't look at the weather forecast. He DECIDES what the weather will be.
Due to a temporal anomaly not yet fully understood, the sun does actually shine out of Chuck Norris' ass.
If you hold Chuck Norris's cowboys boot to your ear, you can hear the riff from 'Rock You Like a Hurricane.'
When Chuck Norris was in the fourth grade, he gave HIS TEACHER detention.
Chuck Norris can de-forest 5 acres of the Amazon using a butterknife, a boomerang, and a pair of pliers.
The Dali Lama said that violence is wrong. Chuck Norris backhanded him.
If Barney and Bob the Builder had a swimming contest, you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was never aware of the filming of Walker Texas Ranger
Chuck Norris asked his nurse to help him go take a piss. Chuck just had surgery and his Doctor told him not to lift anything over 10 pounds.
Chuck Norris doesn't have any greens or potatoes with his steak. He has a second steak.
James Cameron did not make Avatar Chuck Norris did he made it from a Text Message.
Chuck Norris can prepare a 5 star gourmet dinner out of dirt, toejam and Wheaties.
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. Instead, he just dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris can push himself in a wheelbarrow.
When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
Chuck Norris wouldn't touch you with a barge-pole. He will impale you with it.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Chuck Norris is a master of the ancient art of Feng Shui. He will without warning walk into your house, destroy all your furniture, choke you to death, then bill your family.
It is possible to look to the left and right at the same time with just a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris
A little know fact is that ObamaCare pays for Morphine, Oxycontin and reconstructive surgery for those few survivors of a Chuck Norris beating.
When Chuck Norris gets really mad, he raises the roof. LITERALLY.
Chuck Norris can wheelie a unicycle.
Some people install alarm systems. Others install Chuck Norris door mats. No one has the balls to walk on Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is a nightmare on freddie kruegers street
Chuck Norris is made of violence.
Making eye contact with Chuck Norris is a great way to get your spine removed
Chuck Norris once listened to an entire song....on mute
Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.
If you're ever stupid enough to ask for Chuck Norris' credentials, expect to witness something completely mind-blowing and impossibly awesome just before your brutal death.
Chuck Norris' beard can speak most east Asian languages and several regional dialects, through surprisingly with a recognizably Irish accent to the native ear.
Chuck Norris can get a checkmate in only one move.
Chuck Norris wins Miss Universe with an Gorilla disguise
Chuck Norris can draw a square with only 3 lines...
Burger King once tried to sue Chuck Norris for copy write infringment because he has a sign on his front gate that says "Home of the Whopper". They lost
Chuck Norris has eyes in the back of his head. Yeah,literally - in the back of his head.
Chuck Norris' amps used to go to eleven, but he recently hot-rodded them so they now go to infinity.
The fastest and most effective way to die is to point a gun at Chuck Norris.
Don Juan was a real Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris makes big girls cry
The only time Chuck Norris says hi is never
Chuck Norris invented guns so the rest of us have a fighting chance....
Chuck Norris can knock you down with a feather. But he prefers a savage roundhouse kick to the brain.
Chuck Norris can run a nuclear power station using a rowing machine.
The very last cockroach that survives a nuclear holocaust will die under the boot-heel of Chuck Norris
When is Chuck Norris annoyed with you, he will cut your head and throw it to your face.
Chuck Norris once revived a dead, beached Humpback Whale by performing CPR and then throwing it back into the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris can perform a three-point turn. With a tractor trailer. In an alley.
Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they invade
Chuck Norris once knocked himself out with his own line drive when he slid into second.
Chuck Norris eventually found God, terrified and in phoetal position. NO ONE hides from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can write Haiku verse in Hex.
Chuck Norris fought the law. Guess who the fuck won.
We were created in Gods image, But God was created in Chuck Norris's image.
One day a man waves to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris got mad and roundhouse kicked him in the face today we know him know as the elephant man.
World History is simply a chronicling of events that Chuck Norris has let happen.
Chuck Norris got a new pet for his birthday. So far, he has taught his Tasmanian Devil to fetch, roll over and sit.
Chuck Norris fart is a powerfull letal gas, no one lives.
Chuck Norris always knows what time it is. It's time for you to die.
Chuck Norris once lovingly rubbed his beard across the face of a dying little girl in an attempt to reviver her. He succeeded in reviving her but his beard erased her entire face.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.
Steven Seagal once invited Chuck Norris over to his house and challenged him to a game billiards. Chuck Norris easily won by simply racking his balls for him.
Chuck Norris' dinner guests often throw up in their mouths, to savor his fine cooking all over again.
Chuck Norris got a blackjack with only one card
The Large Hadron Collider capable of destroying a planet, broke down after it collided with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris catches chopsticks with flies.
Chuck Norris won the Kentucky Derby by 15 lengths....riding a sawhorse.
The smell of Chuck Norris feet can scare a skunk.
Chuck Norris was never born; he just decided to exist.
Chuck Norris can climb waterfalls..
Humans start counting from 1. Computers start counting from 0. Chuck Norris starts counting from negative infinity.
Osama Bin Laden wasn't that good at hiding. Obama just had to pay Chuck Norris to go on holiday for one night
If you are next to Chuck Norris then you will always have perfect cell phone reception
Chuck Norris once broke a large anaconda's spine.
Knock knock. Whos there? Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris who? Chuck Norris is gonna roundhouse kick ya in the FACE
Chuck Norris is the real father of Katie Holmes' child. Don't believe me? Wait till she turns six and breaks Tom Cruise over her knee.
When Chuck Norris is asked the question "Ginger or Mary Ann?", he chuckles and replies, "Had 'em both!"
Chuck Norris once ate an entire wildebeest with a broken KFC spork.
Chuck Norris can literally kick a person's ass into next week. Their head will travel five days farther.
Elizabeth Taylor's last words were - "I only ever loved Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris can make your blood bleed, tears cry, and your sweat sweat.
If Chuck Norris ever knocked Chumbawumba down, they certainly would get up again.
Chuck Norris drinks a gallon of oil every day to lubricate his nerves of steel.
When Chuck Norris was younger, he wore cowboy boots, had a red beard and could deliver a fatal roundhouse kick. Knowing this one could imply that Chuck Norris has always been awesome.
Chuck Norris was supposed the be the main character for the LOST series. He turned down the role because he didnt want to be the only one FOUND
Chuck Norris has two dollar signs tattooed on his sack.
Chuck Norris was the only kid at the beach who could actually catch the seagulls.
When Chuck Norris was young, his friends played dodge ball. Chuck always enjoyed a good game of dodge crowbars.
Chuck Norris can timetravel by riding on a donkey. Infact that's how donkeys were introduced to the human civilization in 7000 B.C.
Chuck Norris can smell your fear just by looking at you.
Chuck Norris an translate Japanese sign language into Russian Pig Latin.
The Grim Reaper looked at Chuck Norris and was pantsed and round house kicked in the balls, at the same time a new born child was named: Chuck Alfred Norris Tomas, and died instantly.
Chuck Norris accidentally took down the internet by closing his browser.
Giving Chuck Norris head is the leading cause of amnesia.
Before snapping your neck, Chuck Norris will tell you the best shampoo you should have used.
Chuck Norris invented the Touch of Death.
Chuck Norris doesn't snowboard the mountain just moves beneath Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was on American Gladiators and finished the whole show before the first commercial break.
the nuclear bomb was made when a small town barber in the fifty first state tried to cut Chuck Norris's beard. that is why there is only fifty states.
Chuck Norris uses a submarine periscope as a bong.
The marines need a few good men, so that Chuck Norris has someone to kill on the boat ride to do the mission solo.
Chuck Norris can change the battery in a 2003 Dodge intrepid.
Chuck Norris met God once, God said "my son you have sinned" to which Chuck replied "Impossible, God doesn't make mistakes"...
Chuck Norris does not find spicy foods hot. Spicy foods find Chuck Norris hot.
Chuck Norris eats "man bear pig" bacon for breakfast with al gore blood v8 juice
Chuck Norris' idea of being Bi-Polar is hitting someone twice with a wooden pole.
Chuck Norris invented smell-o-vision. But he only uses it to watch that scene in Basic Instinct.
Chuck Norris does not scream while riding rollercoasters, rollercoasters scream while being ridden by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris rules. There is no disagreeing because Chuck said.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Then Chuck Norris finished her off by running over her in his Hummer.
Chuck Norris likes cigarettes on his sandvich.
Chucky has a Chuck Norris doll
When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.
Being afraid of water is aquaphobia, being afraid of spiders is arachnaphobia and being afraid of Chuck Norris is just common sence.
when the boogyman goes to sleep he checks his cupboard for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was never born. he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers whom and proceded on kicking the rest of the doctors to.
As a teenager, Chuck Norris' first part-time job was flipping hamburgers at a local drive-in theater concession stand. His first three burgers landed yesterday. The drive-in closed 30 years ago.
There are soccer moms, and then there are Chuck Norris moms. And guess which one yours is.
Chuck Norris has a hemorrhoid the size of a bowling ball. He's been so busy kicking ass that hasn't even noticed it yet.
Chuck Norris can crush the atom with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris doesn't use stunt doubles, except for in the crying scenes.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds.
Vegas bookmakers change odds on sporting events based on which team or athlete Chuck Norris is betting on.
Chuck Norris hunts squirrels with a rocket launcher.
Chuck Norris. He doesn't like to fuck around.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris' blood type is DOA Fucking Negative.
Little known fact: True magnetic north is located in the center of Chuck Norris' stomach.
If Chuck Norris takes the high road and you take the low road, Chuck Norris will still be to Scotland before ye.
Welcome to Chucknorrism. The site of Chuck Norris facts. Make a fact or you'll piss off Chuck Norris.
"With great power comes a great beard!" - Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Wubbzy says wow wow wow!
Chuck Norris don't elect presidents, he select them.
Chuck Norris' mother wears bowling ball earrings.
Chuck Norris has surpassed Jesus Christ in Internet search volume.
Chuck Norris can complete a perfect 'Triple Lindy' from the low board.
Chuck Norris was asked if he had heard of Pandora's Box? Chuck said "heard of it, I saw her box when I screwed Pandora".
Chuck Norris doesn't get flu shots because he nevers gets sick.
The fastest way to a man's heart is Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris personally trained his pet canary for a daily early morning free flight excercise in the great outdoors. It usually returns for breakfast carrying a dead peregrine falcon in it's beak.
The Empire never found the droids they were looking for. Chuck Norris would have.
When Chuck Norris exercises the machine gets stronger.
ChatGPT sometimes hallucinates. The only thing it never gets wrong is that Chuck Norris can kill you.
Chuck Norris was surfing and had an unfortunate encounter with a Great White Shark. It was unfortunate for the shark, as Chuck punched its teeth out and gave it a wedgie with its dorsal fin.
Chuck Norris turned down the lead role in Shakespeare's Hamlet, citing foul language.
Chuck Norris doesn't follow trends, he sets them.
Spongebob is Chuck Norris' old lufa.
Chuck Norris can see in 3D with just one eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat cereal with a spoon.... He eats spoons with 1 rice krispie
On April 17, 1953, Mickey Mantle hit a home run that traveled about 565 feet. Chuck Norris matched that feat the next day. Chuck was 13 years old at the time.
the apple logo used to be a whole apple until Chuck Norris got hungry
Speed doesn't kill. Chuck Norris' foot does.
Chuck Norris got a standing ovation by simply walking into a paraplegic convention.
Donkey Kong is Chuck Norris' dog.
Chuck Norris can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
Chuck Norris'name was once on the english dictionary, but it didn't managed to stay there for a long time because the people who read the definition of the word never survived.
Chuck Norris can drive two cars at the same time!!
Chuck Norris counts his chickens before he eats them.
Chuck Norris can drive a freight train on a dirt road
Chuck Norris makes Weebles fall down.
Chuck Norris believes in lethal injection. He just shoves his index finger through your skull.
Chuck Norris won an Oscar for his appearance in a television commercial.
Ken Grossman, owner of Sierra Nevada Brewery, drinks Chuck Norris Beer.
Chuck Norris can hear colors....
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris can order a Cheeseburger from Burger King.
While catfishing, Chuck Norris uses his own toe jam for stink bait.
Chuck Norris can slice your head off with a baseball bat.
The last time Chuck Norris went ice fishing, he caught an igloo and a small glacier.
Chuck Norris' first car was Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris is not and never has been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
Chuck Norris inspired Santa Claus to grow a mustache and a beard.
Chuck Norris can't actually walk on water but he never got over knee deep while walking across the Atlantic ocean.
Chuck Norris does not fart, NOTHING escapes Chuck Norris
The only reason George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars was because he finally understood that Chuck Norris didn't want to star in any future sequels.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a black person so hard he turned white
Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swam on land
Chuck Norris doesnt have nightmares, nightmares have Chuck Norris
My dad cries whenever i threaten him with calling Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris keeps a loaded .357 Magnum down the front of his underpants at all times, and he don't give a fuck.
Every February 2nd, Chuck Norris sees his shadow and beats the hell out of it.
The four corners of the Earth are all in Chuck Norris' back yard
Chuck Norris invented impaling when his kindergarten teacher tried to make him stop fingerpaiting while he happened to be using red fingerpaint. Coincidentally , his fondness for blood can also be traced back to the same day.
Chuck Norris can break one side of a window.
When Chuck Norris runs his finger around the rim of a crystal glass, every dog within a four-mile radius explodes.
Chuck Norris can read Wingdings.
While playing Rock Band, Chuck Norris can play air drums and still hit the notes. Going into overdrive without telling him, he instantly gives you a round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can shave with cardboard and toothpaste
The U.S. Military once tried to capture the power of a round house kick from Chuck Norris into a bomb. It was called the Manhattan Project and it didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has a job. His job is to roundhouse kick people. He gets a million dollars if he does. then hes done.
If Chuck Norris really likes you, he can make a single roundhouse kick last five hours.
Chuck Norris can knock something without trying it.
Chuck Norris starts his day with 6 live chickens two cows, three pigs and a boiling hot cup of pure fury
Chuck Norris can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Then he kills the first smartass who makes a joke about it.
Chuck Norris can multiply length x width x heigth when finding the circumference of a circle.
The fall of Berlin wall was caused by Chuck Norris fart.
When Chuck Norris was 6, he and his friend Billy both got new 2 wheelers. Billy got a Schwinn and Chuck got a Harley Fat Boy.
As a toddler, Chuck Norris built a fort out of legos. That fort was known as The Alamo.
The Chuck Norris family distillery in Waco, TX produces a smooth sipping whiskey that is 134% alcohol and appropriately labeled NorrisShine.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kick Bruce banner he would not get angry, he would be cured and never again will transform in the hulk, cause Chuck Norris kicks have healing properties. Either you get cured or die
Chuck Norris won on a special celebrity episode of America's Got Talent by playing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" with a pair of cymbals.
Hurrican Katrina was caused after Chuck Norris ate a bad burrito.
Even Queens, Kings & most adult twins prefer Chuck Norris sized beds.
Chuck Norris could land a whale with his wedding tackle.
Chuck Norris changes saw blades while using the saw!
Once Chuck Norris died just to see how it feels like to be dead. The next day he resurrected himself and roundhouse kicked everyone who celebrated his temporary death.
Upon meeting Chuck Norris for the first time, always refer to your girlfriend as 'my humble offering'.
Chuck Norris can murder you with his tonsils.
Chuck Norris can count to 577 on his toes.
Clearly, the Iranians don't know that Chuck Norris is a Jew.
Chuck Norris has survived in every possible geographic location on Earth, as well as 7 on the moon and 2 on Mars.
You've heard of Mount Everest. It's actually a pile of dead people in Chuck Norris' back yard.
Chuck Norris can put his contact lenses in while blindfolded.
Adam and Eve weren't the first people on Earth, Chuck Norris just kept a low profile.
Chuck Norris was banned from competing in the National Karate Championship. Everyone he competed with the year before ended up in the Special Olympics.
Chuck Norris can kill you in a punch
Big Brother in Orwell's 1984 was really Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is a PhD in Pain. However, his advances in the field of Pleasure have earned him a Nobel Prize.
Chuck Norris's milkshake brings everybody to the yard.....
When Chuck Norris stares at the sun, the sun blinks.
Chuck Norris loves you. The proof: You're still alive, aren't you?
Just before killing someone, Chuck Norris likes to say 'where's your god now?'
Chuck Norris easily on the latest 'Iron Chef America' contest when he prepared and served the judges a knuckle sandwich loaded with C-4.
Chuck Norris buy groceries with his driver's license.
The signs outside of Chuck Norris' properties all say "TRESPASSERS WILL BE NORRISED"
people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones Chuck Norris can throw glass at stone houses
Chuck Norris doesn't 'give you a wedgie'; he slices you in half with your own underwear.
When Chuck Norris uses a bow and arrow, the ghost of Robin Hood appears with a notebook
As a kid, Chuck Norris washed himself with a special sponge. We now know the sponge as Spongebob.
Chuck Norris rocks a sweet beard of power.
Tungsten steel was discovered in Chuck Norris' DNA.
Chuck Norris can hammer nails with a screwdriver.
Chuck Norris does not have a cell phone. If he wants to talk to you, he will shout.
The last time Chuck Norris farted, Steven Seagal was born
Chuck Norris ride into town on Friday, stayed three Nights, the rode out again on Friday. On a horse named Steve.
Keith Stone thinks Chuck Norris is smooth.
Chuck Norris can check out books from the Library of Congress
there is no Global warming. when Chuck Norris farts the globe warms.
Hilter died the day after Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence... i think not.
Chuck Norris will not allow his image to be associated with losers! That's why he changed the title of his syndicated TV series from 'Walker, Texas Ranger' to 'Walker, St Louis Cardinal'.
Chuck Norris has an aquarium in his house and inside is the lock ness monster.
On his last camping trip, Chuck Norris used a live porcupine for a pillow.
Chuck Norris once turned a mountain into a molehill.
America's next top model is really a competition of who gets to have Chuck Norris's child.
Kids play jumprope. Chuck Norris plays jumpanaconda.
Every Thanksgiving, millions of people are thankful that Chuck Norris has allowed them to continue to live.
The Grim Reaper's idol is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited a convent in the desert. Since that day it has been known as the Bunny Ranch.
Chuck Norris chiseled Snoop Dog's snizzel.
5 star New York restaurants use Chuck Norris' toe jam as both a saffron and truffle substitute.
Chuck Norris can kill a red dragon with his level 1 mage using a single magic missile.. immediately followed by a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can track a bloodhound.
Fact 4557 has been deleted by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs
There was once life on Mars. Except they made fun of Chuck Norris. What happened next was a mass extinction.
Those big men escorting Chuck Norris during public appearances aren't body guards, they're in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Chuck Norris was once called to a trial as a witness. After intense questioning Chuck gave the Judge twenty years hard labour for wasting his time.
Everyone wonders what caused the Big Bang. Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris don't play that shit.
Chuck Norris once raised over $2.5 billion for charity in 2 hours using the slogan "Give, or I'll hurt you."
Chuck Norris knows you love this shit.
Chuck Norris was the original star for the movie Pacific Rim. The director had to fire Chuck when he continued to single handedly kick the shit out of the Kijus.
Chuck Norris can win a gunfight without firing a shot. And without a gun.
Chuck Norris does not speak... The words flee out of his mounth out of sheer terror, but in the exact order Chuck wants them to. I am sure you know why.
If you ever talk to a woman who has been on a date with Chuck Norris, and she says, "he was a little pushy", you know she's lying. Chuck Norris isn't 'a little' anything.
When will soccer become popular in the United States? When Chuck Norris becomes a fan.
Chuck Norris can make a carpet fly
Chuck Norris likes to pull Steven Segal's girly little ponytail and then stare at him when he turns around, daring him to make the first move.
Miss America took Chuck Norris to his Senior Prom.
Chuck Norris has never been called for jury duty. They know that Chuck literally would be Judge, jury and executioner if they did.
Chuck Norris can levitate birds.
Plato got his facts wrong. It was Chuck Norris that destroyed Atlantis.
Chuck Norris never reads a book. The book reads for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was challenged to a fight by the high school bully, so Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of him. Chuck was in the fifth grade at the time.
Lightning is like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in the face. In a flash it's gone. Both lightning & your face.
Years ago, Chuck Norris was asked to become a member of the Beach Boys. Chuck declined but had he joined, they were going to change their name to the Beach Men.
Chuck Norris can see Russia from his house.
You bet your ass Chuck Norris' penny-farthing is the size of a goddamn ferris wheel
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
When Chuck Norris urinates the whole world must flush their toilets.
Chuck Norris took the dingo's baby.
Some people say that god can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land
Chuck Norris can vividly remember tomorrow.
Chuck Norris dosnt need a keyboard he tells the computer to write something and it does
Chuck Norris once did a hippy chick. Their lovechild is Captain Planet.
Chuck Norris doesn't hug trees, he just breaks bulldozers.
Little known fact: the Internet would've shut down from lack of interest around 2005 if it wasn't for Chuck Norris facts.
Osama Bin Laden was not buried at sea. His body was handed over to Chuck Norris for "proper disposal."
In 1983, the Department of Transportation required that Chuck Norris wear a Catalytic convertor over his ass to prevent ozone depletion. It was later determined by the Environmental Protection Agency that it wasn't enough to prevent global warming.
Chuck Norris is who told Frank the Rabbit the world will end in 28 days.
Mosses did not parted the Red Sea. Chuck Norris did. The Bible got confused because Mosses and Chuck Norris sound so much alike.
Chuck Norris has a chainsaw bayonet attached to the end of his gatling gun. That's how he likes it.
In space, no one can hear you scream..... apart from Chuck Norris. He hears everything!
Chuck Norris can slam dunk a bowling ball from the half court line of a tennis court.
Once I thought water was rain till I took a trip to outer space and saw Chuck Norris peeing on the earth.
Chuck Norris delights in having BLT sandwiches for lunch! But understandably his BLT's are made of Barracuda, Leaches & Tarantulas nn buttered Texas Toast.
Chuck Norris never cries, in fact he does the exact opposite. His eyes suck in other people's tears.
Chuck Norris can take a selfie with both hands tied behind his back
Chuck Norris sustained a serious laceration during a sword demonstration. Instead of going to the ER, Chuck fixed his wound with a staple gun.
Chuck Norris can win America's Got Talent on the first episode.
What came first the Chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris did.
Chuck Norris uses a Gatling gun as an egg whisk.
Cats have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.
If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, you will get Round house Kicked in the face, or the balls, depending on how you are holding the dictionary.
Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a bbq grill brush and white phosphorus.
Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
Chuck Norris flashes the peace sign a lot because it's the easiest way to go for the eyes.
If Chuck Norris gets pulled over, HE lets the policeman off with a warning.
Chuck Norris survived his execution. His executioners did not.
When Chuck Norris speaks, everyone can understand him in their own tongue.
Chuck Norris lit a fart on the Hindenburg.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Bruce Lee died from a delayed reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face in Way of the Dragon.
Wayne Gretzky is so great because Chuck Norris was a good friend of his. He just wouldn't admit it publically, b/c Chuck Norris felt that it's about time that anyone else but him got the attention. The media is that fucking annoying.
Chuck Norris opens his Dos Equis beer bottles with The Most Interesting Man in the World's asshole.
Chuck Norris can put a plane in reverse.
Chuck Norris is the one that establishes all 'No man's lands'
Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.
Gangsters scare their children with stories of Keyser Soze. Keyser Soze just says the words 'Chuck' or 'Norris' to scare his; even Soze wouldn't fully say 'Chuck Norris' to his kids, that would be sick.
After the start of the race, Chuck Norris took a two day vacation in Italy, eviscerated a Yeti in Switzerland, then won the Tour de France by riding backwards on a tricycle while potty training a wolverine.
Chuck Norris occasionally suffers from insomnia. When this happens, Chuck simply knocks himself out.
Chuck Norris once consumed a 40lb sack of rice in under 8 minutes... using a single chopstick.
Chuck Norris can accurately predict the past.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever to ace a Rorschach test.
When Chuck Norris goes fishing, he doesn't use a fishing rod. He simply points to fish and says "you, you, you, you, you, in the bucket!"
Chuck Norris once chugged a quart of moonshine and immediately pissed out a fifth of Goldschlager.
Chuck Norris recently received a Nobel Prize for his groundbreaking role in "Firewalker".
If suddenly the world was taken over by aliens...everyone would be made their slaves and Chuck Norris would be made their king, no questions asked.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a furnace. He heats his house by scaring the molecules into moving faster.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole watermelon in one bite. The next day he crapped out 4 hammers, 3 turtles, 2 large pizzas, and 1 eggshell. That was 22 years ago.
Apparently, somebody must have told Mr. Ed that Chuck Norris named his one-eyed warrior Willlllbur.
Casanova was a real Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can eMail a roundhouse kick.
Effigies get burnt in Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't always get into fights but when he does you see some serious shit.
Chuck Norris has a set of hips made for war.
Chuck Norris polishes the marble floors of his palaces by moonwalking around them.
Chuck Norris ripped soneone's mouth up and told them to SHUT UP.
Antarctica was made by sand everywhere.Then Chuck Norris used a flamethrower to turn it into ice. Finally it got so cold that it started snowing. And its also how winter was made.
The Looney Tunes were originally called just The Tunes... until Chuck Norris made them Looney!
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands
Chuck Norris can charge a cars battery by connecting the cables to his nipples
Chuck Norris' real name was Uzzy Killington. He changed it to Chuck Norris because it sounded tougher.
Chuck Norris is so tough that he always bathes and showers in cold water.
White noise is just the gathered screams of Chuck Norris' victims.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap
Chuck Norris doesn't bench press weight sets, he bench presses FREIGHT TRAINS!
Don't tell Chuck Norris What to bring to a BBQ. Chuck Norris only brings the pain.
you know why justin bieber never hit puberty because Chuck Norris controls his growth...
Chuck Norris once look down at all the destruction and chaos he had caused and he thought it ..... GOOD
Chuck Norris never gets 'caught' in the crossfire. He revels in it.
The average human tongue has over 2,000 taste buds. Chuck Norris' tongue only needs four: to taste beer, meat, cigars and tang.
Chuck Norris once killed the alpha-male of a pack of hyenas with a blowgun. The remaining hyenas were permanately blinded by the muzzle flash.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face
Chuck Norris can draw a circle with edges without a pencil.
The U.S. Government has come up with a new form of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.
Typing 'walker' into a search engine will yield more results for 'Paul Walker' than for 'Walker Texas Ranger'. Which is why Chuck Norris murdered him.
The ten commandments abide to everyone except Chuck Norris because there is no superior to him
When Chuck Norris was 3 he got a tricycle. When he was 4 he was bored with it and installed Harley V-Twin engine.
One thing Chuck Norris cannot do, is tenderizing meat, once he tried it it got pulverized.
Meteors are actually people blazing down to Earth after having been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris into space for telling bad jokes about him.
The 3D Chuck Norris movie was rated RRRR because no one made it out of the theater. No one ever crosses Chuck Norris!
When Chuck Norris' balls dropped, the Earth itself wobbled on its axis.
Submit a Chuck Norris Fact / Joke
Chuck Norris can beat you up with a grain of sand
Chuck Norris can make a vivacious banana spilt of out a rotten turnip, head cheese, goat gonads and a 1/2 pint of Wild Turkey topped with dingle berries.
Chicken tastes like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once wrote a book. Its called the Bible.
Aliens won't invade until Chuck Norris dies.
Keep calm and carry on. Or Chuck Norris will kill you.
Chuck Norris' car wash mitt is made from Donald Trumps wig, with his head still in it.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite which interestingly is the scientific name given to Chuck Norris' boogers.
Chuck Norris can tell Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris' black belt is blacker than the inside of Wilt Chamberlain's leather-lined coffin on a moonless midnight.
Chuck Norris has decided the world will not end on 12/12/12.
In the beginning, Chuck Norris was the Fist, and the Fist was Norris. Chuck Norris saw that this was good. Chuck Norris then said then "let there be Pain from the fist", and then there was Pain....He saw that this was good.
Chuck Norris was the reason why dinosaurs are extinct.
The greatest honor Chuck Norris' mom ever received was giving birth to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can escape a Black Hole
Contrary to popular belief, the groundhog does not fear seeing its shadow. It actually fears seeing Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris jumped out of the fire into a bigger fire, Chuck Norris doesn't need a frying pan
Chuck Norris thinks outside the box,then roundhouse kicks the box into oblivion.
Of course Chuck Norris taught the Joker the pencil trick.
Chuck Norris says that crying is actually allergic reactions to feelings.
Chuck Norris is allowed to say "ni" to The Knights Who Say Ni.
Chuck Norris overpassed the speed of light.
Chuck Norris can calculate letters.
Every morning, Chuck Norris wakes up, gets out of bed, yawns, and scratches his balls with an electric egg beater.
Chuck Norris voted once, and automatically had a degree from the Electoral College.
Chuck Norris' childhood macaroni art is on display at the Smithsonian.
Chuck Norris' idea of a relaxing evening stroll is walking through East Detroit at midnight.
Chuck Norris has an IMAX television in his bedroom
Chuck Norris casually goes where no man has ever gone before.
Chuck Norris terminated the terminator.
Chuck Norris is the only thing that matters to Metallica.
Chuck Norris is allowed to have pudding without eating his meat.
Chuck Norris' bowel movements smell like vanilla incense
Chuck Norris can smell in 3-D.
Everybody hurts, sometimes... everyone except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't fan the flames of jealousy - he farts on it.
John Connor once said that humans' have a strength that cannot be measured. It is now apparent he was speaking of Chuck Norris.
If you see Chuck Norris picking his nose, its best not to say anything.
Chuck Norris's poster once kicked my ass and put me in the Hospital for a year.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, He steps on Necks!!!
Chuck Norris is accepted into any gang. Blood or Crip
Chuck Norris use's hand sanitizer as eye drops.
Chuck Norris is so Right-Wing he plays Pin the Blambe on the Donkey.
Chuck Norris is Death of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He kills by the grace of the roundhouse kick, and he rides a bull. The others dare not question him.
Chuck Norris uses a cement mixer filled with silk pillows as a fleshlight.
The following is the complete list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death is just to afriid to tell him.
Chuck Norrisis the only person who can totally understand Snoop Dogg's 'nizzle fizzle' shit.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
If you look closely, you can see Chuck Norris in the background of every scene in 'Avatar'.
Chuck Norris completed all missions on his "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warefare" game when set, on Prestige Level 55 "Deathmatch" setting & while standing on his head, blindfolded, hancuffed and wearing earplugs. And with his Guitar Hero controller.
Chuck Norris has already won the Tour De France whilst sitting on a tortoise's back with no legs. In 2015.
Chuck Norris thought that he had a bug crawling up his nose. Turned out it'snot.
Whenever Chuck Norris gets a massage, he gives the female masseuse a happy ending.
Chuck Norris' car keys have killed many a man.
Lebron James saw Chuck Norris wearing a Spurs cap and he cramped up.
Chuck Norris can hit a golf ball twice with one swing.
Chuck Norris went back in time and punched Moses in the face, just to prove that he could do it.
Chuck Norris went to burger king and got an egg McMuffin sandwich at 4pm
Chuck Norris wrote names in a black book.That book is known as Death Note.
Chuck Norris once got a 500 game in bowling. Without a ball. Or pins. Or oxygen. And nobody has ever worked up the courage to ask him how.
Chuck Norris can climb Mount Everest with his eyes closed and his arms tied behind his back. He does that every morning to worm-up.
Hugh Jackman is an actor. Wolverine. Chuck Norris is real. Now get roundhoused to your next movie...like a man, Hugh Wackman!
Chuck Norris was in Terminator 2. He was Judgement Day.
After drinking 5 cups of coffee, Chuck Norris stepped behind a tree and pissed so hard he knocked a Cessna 172 out of the air in mid flight.
Steven Segal onece challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. this is why Steven Segal talks funny
Contrary to the popular idiom, it was in fact a Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick and not a straw that broke the camel's back.
Chuck Norris can pay attention... in cash.
Chuck Norris once farted on someone and was a very gross one that the man got sick with a disease. This disease is now what we call: Ebola.
If you look up the term Ass Kicker in the dictionary, there will be a picture of nothing--because it's a fucking dictionary, they don't have pictures--but the page will smell a little bit like Chuck Norris.
Police dime criminals out to Chuck Norris.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind was beer. Chuck Norris invented beer. Granted, the wheel was also a fine invention but you can't serve a wheel with pizza which was also invented by Chuck Norris.
The Chuck Norris Facts sites are actually pages taken from Chuck Norris daily diary
Chuck Norris gets 5% cash back on all hand written checks.
Chuck Norris can tell you that he likes Dr. Pepper... with a straight face.
Chuck Norris perportadly walked into a salon for a pedicure. Nine months later 17 redheaded baby boys were born in local hospitals.
Chuck Norris can kill you in an instant. seriously.
Jimmy crack corn, so Chuck Norris cracked his neck.
Chuck Norris once had an interim job at Denny's. Not because he couldn't get a better job, because of his ability to unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris was at a rap concert once and the rapper told everyone to raise the roof. Promptly afterward he killed the rapper with a swift roundhouse kick to the face. No one tells Chuck Norris what to do.
Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa didn't really take steriods, they just got batting tips from Chuck Norris
The only way to defeat Chuck Norris is to kill yourself, and beat him to the punch
Lance Armstrong wears LiveStrong braceltes. When Chuck Norris gets finished with him his bracelets should read DeadWeak.
When Chuck Norris speaks French, he doesn't sound gay.
Chuck Norris can make Jenny leave the Block.
Chuck Norris can text/watch videos/surf the web.... on a payphone.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can fly a helicopter up-side-down. He uses it to mow his lawn.
No one truly knows who's Chuck Norris' real father. No one is biologically strong enough for this. He must've conceived himself.
When Chuck Norris walks into a bar, he automatically owns all the women inside and instantly has an infinite tab.
Some people can slide down stair banisters. Chuck Norris can slide UP down escalators.
Chuck Norris was the only senior in his high school.
Throughout his life, Chuck Norris has been widely acknowledged and praised for the extreme realness with which he kept his shit.
Sudden Death is: a. a crappy movie starring an even crappier Jean Claude Van Damme b. the way playoff overtimes are decided in the NHL c. what happens to you when you piss off Chuck Norris d. all of the above
All people with hemorrhoids have been the recipient of a Chuck Norris roundhose kick to the mouth that was delivered so severely that it caused their tounge, tonsils and adenoids to protrude from their asshole.
The Vatican's latest fundraiser is selling WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do) braclets.
Chuck Norris can lose his king and still win a chess game
Chuck Norris once punched a hurricane in its eye.
Chuck Norris can literally hand you your ass in a handbag. And then pull it out and kick it up between your ears.
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.
Katy Perry kissed a girl to get attention from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an illusion. His right foot doesn't kick you. His left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, his parents used a jack-hammer to excise his zits.
When you ask Chuck Norris for directions, he'll give you a roundhouse-kick to the face and you'll land exactly where you need to be.
if you open a mail from Chuck Norris, it kills you.
some say that Chuck Norris' blood is green, too bad we'll never know
McDonald's got the idea of putting "Billions Served" on their signs after their founder visited Chuck Norris' house and saw his "Billions of Heads Severed" plaque on the wall.
Chuck Norris was once stopped by police and given a breath test. He inhaled the breathalyzer.
Chuck Norris invented tear gas by squeezing the stink out of a skunk.
Most folks that eat a bowl of Chuck Norris' Texas style ham & beans immediately blow out thier O-ring.
Chuck Norris can slice meat so thin it only has one side.
If you look into Chuck Norris' eyes for a few seconds, you will feel a little pee coming out.
Chuck Norris owns property in the Uncanny Valley
Chuck Norris is so awesome, he caused blindness to the whole bat species just by his sheer awesomeness. Infact, if you listen intently all the bats shriek "Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris!".
Chuck Norris lives in the guest house at his Texas palatial estate. Only his main house mansion is spacious enough to store all of his guns, ammo and ninja death stars.
Chuck Norris doesnt use dental floss...he uses barbed wire
In the filming of "The Way Of The Dragon", Chuck Norris was heavilly bribed to lose to Bruce Lee.
Chuck Norris can shoot you down by the Ctrl-Alt-Del menu.
Nostradamus didn't predict his spectacular beheading by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can solve a paradox.
Chuck Norris can tell a 'yo mama' joke that is so perfect, your head will explode.
Chuck Norris pleasures himself with a battery post cleaner.
Chuck Norris once went to the doctors for a needle, but instead of the needle piercing Chuck Norris' skin, Chuck Norris' skin pierced the needle.
Chuck Norris loves all of his dogs, cats and horses .... with onions and gravy paired with a yak cheese, condor foie gras schmear on melba toast and a gallon jug of muscatel.
Chuck Norris Does not use Total Gym, Total Gym uses Chuck Norris, But then again No one Uses Chuck Norris So Chuck Norris Uses ToTal Gym!
Chuck Norris invented Thomas Edison
The limit of Chuck Norris as he approaches infinity does not exist because Chuck Norris has no limits.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in such a way that you become incapable of dying, and just do a little worse every day.
Chuck Norris was hiking in the Pacific Northwest when a Sasquatch had the misfortune of coming face to face with him. Chuck beat the Sasquatch silly then ate his lunch.
jaggar has the moves like Chuck Norris
two teams of Chuck Norris's playing 'red rover' is what actually birthed the universe.
Chuck Norris...the Man, the Legend, but never the Myth.
Some people think they're cool if they walk across hot coals. Chuck Norris regularly breakdances on them.
Chuck Norris was out for a hike when he came face to face with a Grizzly Bear. Witnesses say after screaming loudly, the bear ran whimpering into the woods.
Chuck Norris is the reason why the words "Bad" and "Ass" came together
I played Madden football 18 times with Chuck Norris back in 2007 and we had the Patriots. Chuck opted to simulate the Super Bowl and the Giants beat us 17-14, coincidence? You be the judge....
Chuck Norris can complete a 1440, triple pump, two hand monster dunk from the midcourt line.
Someone once asked Chuck Norris if he had the time...and Chuck said "yes, and it's mine to keep"
Chuck Norris made a turkey by catching a live one, eating it,and throwing it up.
Everytime Chuck Norris lands on a property in a game of monopoly he gets paid
Rain never used to exist before Chuck Norris began shouting at clouds to reveal their true nature.
When Chuck Norris says, 'this is the line. Don't walk across it', he just created a new international border.
People use x-ray films to view the solar eclipse. Chuck Norris goes to the moon to have a better view of the phenomemon with his naked eyes.
Chuck Norris doesn't have X chromosomes
If it bleeds, we can kill it. Therefore, Chuck Norris cannot bleed.
Atlantis is at the bottom of the Atlantic, because that's where Chuck Norris put it.
Every time Chuck Norris goes to New Orleans, hot women bare their breasts for him whether it's Mardi Gras or not.
Chuck Norris won the 'Dancing with the Stars' competition by Moonwalking on his butt cheeks.
Chuck Norris drank Daniel Day Lewis' milkshake.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse house kicked a man for asking him who invented the Roundhouse Kick.
Chuck Norris is clever enough to do crossword puzzles in ink.
Chuck Norris found Waldo, Carmen Sandiego and Jimmy Hoffa.
Chuck Norris can stop the Stones from rolling.
Chuck Norris can eat a Charleston Chew without chewing.
"Carpe diem" is a Latin aphorism translated to "seize the day". "Chucky diem" is a Chuck Norrism translated to "seize the throat".
The greatest discovery of mankind is Chuck Norris. You don't have to ask 'why?'.
The REAL reason why Hitler killed himself was because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris will be roundhouse kicking your ass in a second. And then he does mine.
Jesus shamelessly wore a Chuck Norris beard.
Chuck Norris can head butt a dumpster. And win.
Chuck Norris has a reputation not to be sneered at. Seriously, don't sneer at him. You'll get a boot to the kidneys.
Four score and seven years ago... Chuck Norris drank a barrel of mead and roundhouse kicked the shit outta some mutton chop-wearing assholes.
A heckler told Chuck Norris his movies stunk. Chuck told him "I'd slap you stupid but I can tell someone already beat me to it".
If Chuck Norris played baseball, the Texas Rangers would have won the World Series in 2011. And 2010. And every Series dating back to 1972, their first year in Texas.
when firs man inventioned submarine, he saw a Chuck Norris smiling at him at deapt of 34000feets
For a split of a nanosec I had disbelief in Chuck Norris, but quickly I noticed that this particular nanosec was splitted by his karatepunch.
Chuck Norris can take Braveheart's life AND his freedom.
Chuck Norris commanded Russell Wilson to pass the ball instead of handing it off to Marshawn Lynch. Thats the reason why the Patriots won.........Seahawks should've won.
The Grim Reaper recently pissed in his robe when he realized he had snuck up behind Chuck Norris b
Chuck Norris once completed a perfect swan dive in tuck position from the high dive into an empty swimming pool.
Hand Sanitizer Doesn't Clean Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Cleans It
Five Finger Death Punch and Twelve Foot Ninja are rock bands named after the way Chuck Norris killed a giant ninja.
Those who say you can't unring a bell never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never worn underwear not made out of leather.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
That damn dress is whatever color Chuck Norris says it is!
List Of Things Chuck Norris Cannot Kill You With: tiny Minecraft slimes
Chuck Norris solved the Riemann hypothesis on an abacus.
Chuck Norris is the best in the West. He also has the North, East and South totally covered.
If Chuck Norris ever fell of of a building the groung would move out of his way
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he destroys an orphanage
Because of Chuck Norris the big 5 is now know as the big 6.
Chuck Norris single-handily won a game of football by completing a 97 yard touchdown pass to himself. It was the only offensive play of the game.
Don't fight the IRS alone. Even Chuck Norris has to pay taxes.
Marry had a little lamb...and Chuck Norris silenced it.
Chuck Norris can kill people with a single thought. Too bad he overwhelms them with MILLIONS.
Chuck Norris. A man of goddamn action.
Chuck Norris has KISS' Gene Simmons makeup design tattooed to his face in blacklight-reactive ink.
Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can plug that spilling oil pipe in the gulf of mexico. Call him on 1-200-HANG-UP
Chuck Norris is touring Yemen in his new Hummer with his sterio amp cranked up playing "Hava Nagila".
Chuck Norris ALWAYS has a gun in his pocket. He is never happy to see you.
Chuck Norris can actually shoot a breeze
Sauron's ring was actually Chuck Norris', and if he'd known he'd of kicked Frodo's arse.
Chuck Norris can tear a page out of face book
Chuck Norris once drove to Hawaii and back. Yeah, drove.
If you put Chuck Norris as your profile picture on facebook thousands of supermodels will friend you each day
There are no lines on Chuck Norris' palms. He decides his own fate - and others'.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
For the extra added kick to his homemade Texas Chili, Chuck Norris adds a 1/2 cup of Y.pestis infected rat turds as seasoning.
Chuck Norris can tech an old dog the kind of tricks that would make that Mindfreak guy's head explode.
After extensive pharmacological research & analysis it has been determined that Anabolic Steriods are an exact match to Chuck Norris piss.
Chuck Norris' shit easily sinks lower than whale shit.
Chuck Norris is the problem to all the answers to your problems!
Chuck Norris defines, then defies the laws of physics.
One of Chuck Norris' bumper stickers reads 'This is just a distraction - I'm now sitting behind you'.
Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and so bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name.
Chuck Norris follows everyone on Twitter... and in real life... at the same time.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees
Poor Freddy Krueger has been having nightmares ever since Chuck Norris moved to Elm Street.
Chuck Norris is not as smart as Einstein. It is impossible for Einstein to arrange M&M's in abc order but Chuck Norris can.
Chuck Norris found the end of pie.
Chuck Norris can cause you significant pain by squirting banana juice in your eye.
Only Chuck Norris knows the truth about Extraterrestial life, God told him, but God also told them about Chuck which is why we never see them.
Gravity falls under the influence of the laws of Chuck Norris.
Physicists have replaced the term Big Bang with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has kidnapped Bin Laden
Chuck Norris uses waffle-makers as foot spas.
Chuck Norris opens beer bottles with the nearest person's anus.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can purchase firearms while drunk and totally naked.
aliens abduct cows to save them from the wrath of Chuck Norris
you know that handle bars song? that singer rode his bike with no handle bars well Chuck Norris rode his handle bars with no bike.
In Texas they give the condemned inmate on death row an option..firing squad or Chuck Norris.
When you tell Chuck Norris a Chuck Norris fact, he laughs. And then roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris invented feet so people could run from Chuck Norris before he was born
There are no aliens in Area 51, only Chuck Norris' children.
As a kid, Chuck Norris's dog didn't eat his homework, his homework ate his dog
Chuck Norris doesn't use straws, he summons the liquid inside him.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They are all for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris created the alphabet just so he could spell the words "kicked your ass".
Chuck Norris skinned Waldo and put it on, waiting for new prey to find him.
Chuck Norris is Tyler Durden's alternate persona
If a car's gas tank was filled with urine from Chuck Norris, it would get 1,000,000 miles to the gallon and go to 0 to Mach 3 in 4.4 seconds.
"On 21 december 2012 Chuck Norris will align the planets and cause a poleshift."
If Fox had cast Chuck Norris as Jack Bauer, the show would have been called "3"
Chuck Norris subscribed to officialpsy after watching Gangnam Style. This is why Gangnam Style is so popular.
when theres a war going on between them and Chuck Norris he dont need back up cuz he is the back up
Contrary to popular belief, Do Re Mi Fa So La and Ti are not the only sounds in music, there are 300 more, but those frequecies are reserved by the FCC for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is a world-class landmine-stomper.
Chuck Norris was tending bar when an ugly woman walked in with a duck. Chuck asked "hey, where'd you get that pig"? The woman said "that's not a pig, its a duck". Chuck said "I was talking to the duck"!
Chuck Norris knows when you're sleeping, Chuck Norris knows when you're awake, Chuck Norris knows if you've been bad or good, So be good, or your life he'll take.
Chuck Norris has a gun rack above his toilet.
Moammar Gadhafi was found when Chuck Norris flew over Libya and pointed him out.
Michael Jackson once met Chuck Norris. That night, he went home and wrote "Thriller"
Davy Crockett shot his first bear when he was only 3. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his first bear into oblivion when he was only 6 months old.
No matter where Chuck Norris is, he always gets free wifi and a full bar cell-phone reception
You know why Chuck Norris-movies suck? Because the movies are nervous about Chuck Norris in 'em.
A guy was furious at Chuck Norris. He fought with Chuck Norris with all of his rage. Chuck Norris happily fed on his rage until the guy became a hippie. Then Chuck Norris obliterated him, because Chuck Norris doesn't like hippies.
Chuck Norris swallows sword-swallowers.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes lemonade, and then goes to sunbathe on the beach.
Thunder is just another result of Chuck Norris sneezing.
Chuck Norris can't wait to find out what it's actually like to wait.
Chuck Norris found an extra Ping golf club sock in his dryer.
Creatine Monohydrate, the body building supplement is manufactured from Chuck Norris' dead skins extracts.
Chuck Norris was only played in scenes of the movie Expendables 2 because all of the action scenes compiled would only last 17 seconds.
Chuck Norris never has a failure to communicate
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
When Chuck Norris farts, everyone around him says "excuse me Mr. Norris"!
Chuck Norris can swim in an empty pool.
When the going gets tough, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can live on the dark Side of the moon............naked
When Chuck Norris was 2, he was pulled over for doing 35 MPH in a 25 zone on his tricycle.
There are at least 23 ways Chuck Norris can kill you with printer toner.
Chuck Norris can walk into some asshole's house, murder everyone inside, then have a massive KFC feast and an orgy and walk out without leaving a single strand of DNA.
If Chuck Norris had a pennie for every time he roundhouse kicked someone, he would be the richest man ever.
Sometimes people die though they deserve to live. None of those people were killed by Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris kills someone, they damn well deserve it.
Chuck Norris doesn't worship Buddah,Buddah worships Chuck Norris.
The customer is always right...except when Chuck Norris owns the business.
A cow goes "moo". Chuck Norris goes "cow."
Chuck Norris got pulled over by a cop once. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris and Rodney Mullen were skateboarding in Singapore. Rodney got fined, and Chuck got paid
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
All is fair in love and war................ Except when Chuck Norris breaks out the grenades
Chuck Norris can punch the 'you' out of you.
Senpai notices Chuck Norris. and im pretty sure Chuck Norris likes it.
Old Faithful is Chuck Norris' drainpipe
Heard the saying "you can't controll the weather"?, well Chuck Norris can.
When "The Situation" looks at Chuck Norris, "The Situation" turns into a beer-bellied redneck dumb-minded farmer in Colarado.
Chuck Norris would not be considered 'armed and dangerous'; if they had to use such terminology, they would rate him 'DEFCON 14'
Chuck Norris once changed his name back to Chuck Norris.
The Green Bay Packers challenged Chuck Norris to a football game. Final score: Norris 274, Packers (-96).
Q. Can you spell "Chuck Norris" without using any r's? A. Yes, "Chuck Kickass"
One time Chuck Norris rode a shark... on land while on fire while making love to three swimsuit models
Facebook as got a Chuck Norris account
when Chuck Norris stands in front of a mirror, it shattered because it knew that no one stands in between CHUCK NORRIS and CHUCK NORRIS.
Chuck Norris once kicked a foot ball so hard it went into orbit and took out the command ship of an alien armada that where plotting to take over the earth ... they soon changed there minds
The number on tombstones aren't years; there just how many times Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that person in the face.
The Dos Equis guy is Chuck Norris' padawan.
Chuck Norris can invite you to your own birthday party.
Chuck Norris correctly predicted the result of Super Bowl XLVIII in 1952.
Chuck Norris can "shit fire and save matches"!
I don't agree with the fact that Chuck Norris never sleeps, I think he does, we just don't now when and how long he sleeps, because his Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the word 'oblivion' so his roundhouse victums would have a place to find themselves kicked into.
They say Bruce Lee died in an accident...but it is the fact you don't kick Chuck Norris' ass without consequence!
Every night when Chuck Norris goes to sleep, his beard detaches itself, picks up a small knife and sprints towards the city in hopes to match his kill count.
Chuck Norris once beat the crap out of target for practice.
Chuck Norris once grabbed Vin Diesel and inserted his index finger into Vin Diesel's anus. Vin Diesel got very pissed over the matter. Chuck Norris then started kicking him continously non-stop for a day for not having any sense of humor.
Chuck Norris never 'visits' your house. He reposseses it.
Chuck Norris is a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.
Chuck Norris uses an F5 tornado to mop the blood off his palace floors.
Chuck Norris has a moat around his ranch named Rubicon, and you best not cross it.
When Chuck Norris goes clubbing, the authorities turn a blind eye on all the people he clubs to death.
Next to Chuck Norris, the Dos Equis guy is the Least Interesting Man.
Why are Jay-Z's lips so big? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is three times deadlier asleep than anyone else is when they are awake.
Most people have Microwave ovens. Chuck Norris has a Megawave oven.
Chuck Norris gives cigarettes cancer
Chuck Norris once accidentally broke steel by touching it.
Chuck Norris always carries a ice cooler around with him so he can store severed hands of people who where brave enough to shake his hand
In high school, Chuck Norris would get out of math class by dividing by zero and then escaping through the wormhole it produced.
Chuck Norris invented beer & pizza. He also invented the wheel but it doesn't taste as good at a Superbowl parties.
Chuck Norris understands every definition in the Oxford Thesaurus, except one; that on mercy.
When Chuck Norris has a bone to pick, it's always the jawbone.
Chuck Norris got mad at some vegetables, the end results were Black-eyed peas.
The sign on the door read "pull to open". Chuck Norris pushed it open anyway.
Dos Equis' "most interesting man in the worls" asks Chuck Norris for advice
Despite the fact that Chuck Norris doesn't book with Orbitz, they still send him a check when someone else books a hotel for a less.
Chuck Norris can kill over 9000 ailens, birds, noobs, people with only oen rock
The last person that goosed Chuck Norris lost a finger, hand and forearm from his crimped butt cheeks.
Chuck Norris is himself when he's hungry.
Chuck Norris proved Mythbusters was all a myth.
Some people balance eggs on end every Spring and Fall Equinox, but Chuck Norris balances skulls.
Optimis Prime transforms back into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can spell out myspace using M&ms and Skittles
Chuck Norris's car drives over 9000 miles and never crashes.
Chuck Norris can make Robin Williams and Lewis Black calm the fuck down.
Chuck e cheese was actually gonna be called: Chuck Norris cheese. it was then changed for being too violent. Every animatronic for Chuck Norris cheese was violent because they do roundhouse kicks.
When Chuck Norris goes to the museum, the exhibits aren't allowed to touch Chuck.
Chuck Norris' beard's beard's beard has a beard
When you die, Chuck Norris will find your grave and roundhouse kick you.
When God walked in the sea ... Chuck Norris was swimming in the land!!
Chuck Norris owns the trademark on both the 70's and the 80's.
If Michael Jackson can Moon Walk, Chuck Norris can Sun Walk
When Edmund Hillary and Tenzin Norgay reached the top of Mount Everest, they saw Chuck Norris peeing at the summit - into the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris owns Area 51. He also owns Areas 1 thru 50.
Many men envy Ron Jeremy's nine-inch-plus manhood. Ron Jeremy envies Chuck Norris' manhood.
The Voyager space probe is the second man-made object to leave the galaxy. The first was a VW Beetle that Chuck Norris threw in 1967.
Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris skipped through air.
Question: How long does it take for Chuck Norris to watch 60 Minutes? Answer: He's done watching a non-rerun episode 835 years before he starts watching it, and he doesn't even need time travel.
Time heals all wounds...Chuck Norris inflicts them!
CHuck Norris spilled some milk. He didn't cry over the spilt milk. The spilt milk cried and made its way back into the carton.
I got an e-roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. My cheeks are still swollen.
Chuck Norris can play Candy Crush on a public phone
Chuck Norris's football team won the NBA champinship against the tennis player Roger Federer
A panel of 5 judges survived after allowing a young Chuck Norris to win his 5th grade spelling bee by correctly spelling the word "Encyclopedia" as b,o,o,k.
Chuck Norris once went fishing and roundhoused the Kraken in the face when he came back he feed his family for ten years.
An interviewer recently asked Chuck Norris what it felt like to lose to Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris unloaded a revolver into her face.
Chuck Norris killed The Fat Lady because it's not over until Chuck Norris sings.
John F. Kennedy in his famous speech actually meant this... "It's not what the Goverment can do for you, it's what you can do for CHUCK NORRIS!"
Chuck Norris dosn't eat submarine sandwiches, he eats submarines...
Cucumbers aren't nearly as cool as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once swung a walrus around by its tusks and threw it half a mile. He kept the tusks.
Chuck Norris passes the dutchie on the RIGHT hand side.
They don't have a Chuck Norris wax statue at Madame Tussauds till now cos everytime they make one, it comes alive and destroys all other statues.
It should go without saying, but it still bears repeating: don't knock on Chuck Norris' door on Halloween.
Chuck Norris created Pluto by staring at Neptune
Scientists are currently searching for the particle that gives everything mass. They will never find it because it is hiding inside Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won a staring contest against medusa
Big Foot claims he has a couple pictures of Chuck Norris... All his friends think he's full of crap.
Chuck Norris converted Bermuda triangle into Bermuda pants.
Chuck Norris beat a man to death with his own corpse.
Chuck Norris started the joke which started the whole world crying
You can give Chuck Norris a full-body massage, and he still can't be touched.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick you in the face so hard, archaeologists from thousands of years from now will find your skull fragments in the next continent encrusted with diamonds.
Superman is faster then a speeding bullet,Chuck Norris is faster then the speed of light
Everything on Chuck Norris' properties are powered by a deus ex machina
If you download more than five images of Chuck Norris, your hard drive will explode.
Mr. T threw a punch and Chuck Norris met his punch with a round house kick....... The result was the 80's.
After barely being beat in a foot race by a cheetah, Chuck Norris pointed his finger at the fast cat and said,"Man, you're such a cheetah!" They paused for a second and then burst out laughing, as they left together to go eat a zebra or something..,
Don Rickles pokes fun at lots of people, but he knows better than to say a word when it comes to Chuck Norris.
the reason why babies cry when they are born is because they know they've been brought into the same world as Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once swam the English Channel in 10 minutes while pulling 3 oil tankers with his teeth. Upon Chuck's arrival in France, the French immediately surrendered.
Did you know Chuck Norris once clogged the toilet....... while peeing?
You can not stop Chuck Norris, nor can you hope to contain him.
A burglar made the mistake of surprising Chuck Norris as he was getting ready for bed. Chuck beat him to death with his toothbrush.
when Chuck Norris met Scorpion from MK, Scorpion said "STAY OVER THERE!!!"
Aliens are real. They are just in hiding because they know that Chuck Norris is waiting!
Chuck Norris can ace a test by writing "Violence" for every answer, because violence is the answer.
When Chuck Norris wants something, the person standing next to him better goddamn give it to him within the next two seconds or die by the roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride when he was visiting Paris and accidentally won the Tour de France.
Chuck Norris has a beard because everytime he tries to shave his hairs break the shaving blades.
Chuck Norris once took a bath in a little spread of ocean between Bermuda, Florida, and Puerto Rico. It's been f***ed up ever since.
Every night, Chuck Norris brings at least three women back to his log cabin in the hills, to give them a good, hard Norrising.
Press this button to see Chuck Norris at age 32, and to die. ---->O It's not a real button, by the way. When Chuck Norris rates this good, though, it will be.
For some their body is a temple, for Chuck Norris, his body is a full on religion!
A door to door salesman interrupted Chuck Norris during his steak dinner. Chuck punched him in the brain.
Once Chuck Norris went to donate a liter of his own blood to a charity hospital. The doctors in the hospital had to turn down his selfless service as human beings cannot accept smoldering lava for blood transfusion.
Anywhere Chuck Norris eats, instantly becomes a six star restaurant
Chuck Norris has reached the end of the Internet more than once.
The reason Chuck Norris's shoes are brown is because the shit from peoples ass is caked onto his shoes from kicking their ass that hard.
Chuck Norris once snapped a bears neck after it scratched his jacket.
If you want to change your name, then you have to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris watches TV on his Gameboy
When Chuck Norris goes for a swim, the sharks panic. You wanna defy gravity? Let Chuck Norris give you a roundhouse. No Wait, no one "LETS" Chuck, he just does.
Chuck Norris once played pool with the planets. He lost to Pluto...that's why it's not a planet
Chuck Norris can perform delicate heart surgery with two sticks and a tire iron.
Chuck Norris can fight better than all fighting video games. How? He instantly wins.
Chuck Norris's keyboard has an F13 key.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Mars is red.
Chuck Norris' beerhat is a viking helmet with two kegs.
When he was four, Chuck Norris could use his Etch-A-Scetch like an iPad.
Why is Chuck Norris artificial fertilized?....Because nobody fucks his mother.
Bono wears Chuck Norris sunglasses.
Chuck Norris went to court once, and he lost. He roundhouse kicked the judge in the head so hard that all of justice became blind.
Zebras were created when Chuck Norris kicked the color out of horses.
Little known fact: Chuck Norris was the original lead singer of the British pop band The Smiths. He went by the name Norrissey.
Chuck Norris' accent wears a tuxedo.
If you see Chuck Norris doing anything illegal, it's best not to day or do anything about it.
When Chuck Norris finishes watching a useless 1 hour movie, he can get his 1 hour back.
Whenever Chuck Norris getss thirsty, he doesn't buy water or drink from a fountain. He prefers the arterial spray from a freshly decapitated passerby.
There are ancient tribes in the Amazon, as yet untouched by modern civilization, who worship Chuck Norris as their god of gods.
Chuck Norris can rear-end his own car.
Chuck Norris is the actual King of the World.
Remember the show "Who's the Boss"? Chuck Norris was the boss. Chuck Norris is everyone's boss.
Chuck Norris and the Dale Lamma got to gether to see the perfect human the Dale Lamma asked Chuck Norris where the person was Chuck Norris told Him to look at ME the perfect HUMAN!{Which is Chuck Norris}
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, killed Kenny, and killed Mr. Boddy in the hall with a roundhouse kick.
acid rain happens when CHUCK NORRIS piss
Deepfake technology can make anyone look like anyone else. Nobody has ever successfully deepfaked Chuck Norris because the footage roundhouse kicks the algorithm.
Chuck Norris once actually made it rain cats and dogs just so he could solve a mouse problem.
Chuck Norris can play skin banjo without using his hands.
Every hair on Chuck Norris' beard represents the soul of a victim
Chuck Norris can in fact buy love. But he prefers to spend his cash on beer and ammunition.
Chuck Norris did not play high school or college football, thus sparing hundreds from injury.
Chuck Norris can text using his walkie talkie and without batteries.
Osama, Gaddhafi, and Kim Jong IL, died in 2011 because they forgot to pay tribute to CHUCK NORRIS!
Chuck Norris doesn't drink tea - he drinks hot beer
Chuck Norris can cremate you instantly with a mean-ass death stare.
One day Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a building killing thousands of while drinking a diet coke on a sunny day.
I've heard Chuck Norris was going to be a playable character in SSBB. His hammer-using animation would be him moving the hammer in a full circle with only his left pinky. It turns out that he is stronger than that.
Who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris? Neither. The world would implode from that much awesome.
Chuck Norris has no enemies, he only has victims
Colten: Chuck Norris Plus your mom plus you equals two bodies lying in a huge pool of blood and a diabolical smile on Chuck Norris' face.
The idea of Pepsi came to fruition when Chuck Norris micturated in a can. The idea of Crystal Pepsi came to fruition when Chuck Norris drank lots of water one day and pissed in a bottle.
Q:why did the chicken try cross the road? A:to get away from Chuck Norris... and it never made it to the other side.
Chuck Norris can comb his hair with a thunderbolt
its easy to be latino lover like Chuck Norris if u stole the beauty from susan boyle
Every superhero has a back-up plan in times of big trouble: contact Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can do blastbeats on a grand piano.
SpaceX can land a rocket on a drone ship. Chuck Norris can land a drone ship on a rocket.
Chuck Norris was issued an American Express Platinum Card when he was 9. The President of American Express apologized to Chuck for making him wait so long.
Chuck Norris knows how to get to Seasame Street.
Chuck Norris can steal free samples.
Chuck Norris can hermetically seal a can of whoop ass and disguise it as a trick or treat gift for his annoying neighborhood kids.
Chuck Norris won on 'Dancing With The Stars' by BBQ'ing a rack of pork ribs.
Chuck Norris gifted Chuck Berry the gift of the music form commonly known today as rock n roll.
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris shaves too - his pubic hair.
Chuck Norris won The 24 Hours of Le Mans auto race in three hours.
There were originally 11 commandments. Unfortunately Moses did not catch the last. 'Thou shalt not fuck with Chuck Norris.'
Chuck Norris can kill a living room
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the masculinity out of Justin Bieber, which all landed inside P!nk.
When Chuck Norris does push up he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
He, Chuck Norris, is awesome!!!
Chuck Norris can destroy an entire office block with a single pelvic thrust.
Chuck Norris can peel an orange with a chopstick.
Chuck Norris once jumped up a bannana tree and sang the Star Spangled Banner backwards. When asked why he replied "Happy pappy bang bang!" then shat his pants
Chuck Norris can push the trigger.
Chuck Norris owns a squad of Oompa Loompas
Why did Chuck Norris hasn't appeared on any mortal kombat games. Simple, the name says it all. "mortal". Also there won't be any fatality tha will work on him, he will just roundhouse kick anyone either he wins or loose.
Chuck Norris is personally responsible for global warming, but it seems no one can convince him to go on a diet who actually lived to tell us if he would consider lightening his daily intake of barbecued rattlesnakes and beans.
Chuck Norris' mother once caught him masticating a horse in his bedroom.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? Fucking ALL of it.
Chuck Norris can send text messages on a Post-It Note.
Chuck Norris doesn't 'pass gas' he FARTS and blows trees over!
Life finds a way... of being ended by Chuck Norris
Even at age 72, Chuck Norris isn't considered to have reached old age. If old age were ever stupid enough to reach for big Chuck, he would break its fucking wrist and throw it through a plate-glass window.
Chuck Norris never had a bustle in his hedgerow, and if he ever does, he won't be alarmed. In fact, he is the only person on earth who knows what the fuck that actually means.
Chuck Norris updates his DNA every 5 minutes
When Chuck Norris visits his ranch, he always makes sure to take a ride on Sherman, his Cape Buffalo.
Chuck Norris invented calculus in order to keep track of how many people he kills.
Chuck Norris often go to the hen house to choke the chicken.
Why are there so many "Rocky" films? Because Rocky was smart enough NOT to fight Chuck Norris in any of them.
Chuck Norris beat a game of Super Mario Bros.(1985) by just pressing the start button
There's no point in crying over spilled milk unless it's Chuck Norris' milk ... then you're gonna die.
There once was a Chuck Norris toilet paper brand, but it would not take shit from anyone.
The thing worst than Chuck Norris is death...wait...I got it backwards.
along time ago Chuck Norris met an Asian kid also named Chuck Norris. Not pleased with there being another Chuck Norris so he punched him so hard the name on the the Asian kid's birth certificate changed to Bruce Lee.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
The only sure things in life are death and taxes. Unless you're Chuck Norris, then they're optional.
Carlsberg dont do Chuck Norris but if they did they would get Roundhoused
Chuck Norris did offer to dance with the Devil on the pale moonlight but the Devil said "not a chance, not with Chuck Norris"!
The Pope calls Chuck Norris "Father."
Chuck Norris can post 50,000 word essays on Twitter.
If Chuck Norris says that turkey, cranberries & yams actually taste real good, then they do!!! And out of fear, that's the only reason we we eat that crap. We are truely Thankful that Chuck Norris only demands this once a year.
Chuck Norris has a blood pressure reading of zero over zero,nothing puts Chuck under pressure.
Who wrote the book of love? Chuck Norris. He also authored The Book Of Death (Vols 1-27).
Chuck Norris' saliva is the fountain of youth.
The pie scene in american pie was originally a dare made to Chuck Norris, except the pie was actually a volcano crater.
Chuck Norris has his Budweiser shaken, not stirred.
Super Man's nacked eye can withstand a bullet. Chuck Norris' middle finger can reflect a laser beam and kill the shooter between the eyes.
Chuck Norris is allowed to play Stairway To Heaven.
Chuck Norris scared the Black out of Eminem.
Chuck Norris Just Saw Jackass 3D He Was Mad At Johnny Knoxville For Making A Film About Things Chuck Did At The Age Of 5
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the American out of Johnny Depp.
The NeverEnding Story ended, because Chuck Norris got tired of watching.
Chuck Norris showed musical talent at a very young age. He was humming "Bad To The Bone" when his Doctor delivered him.
If Chuck Norris had a penny for each roundhouse kick he delivered, the world supply of iron would have been long gone.
Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails. He rips them with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.
Chuck Norris is actually slightly vulnerable to attack only in the first few seconds after impregnating a fresh virgin. So there you go, all Norris-haters - you have at least two minutes a day to try it if you dare.
Gorillas engage in fights only after making sure Chuck Norris is not watching them stealthly.
There is a reason why Chuck Norris' farts smell like dead tigers.
Chuck Norris underwent successful hemorrhoid surgery yesterday. The surgeon had to use "the jaws of life" and a set of bolt cutters to complete the procedure
Chuck Norris one rode a trike. When he got off of it, it was a motorcycle ,measuring to be 16 feet tall and 72 feet long, with mounted grenade launchers and bazookas. He still keeps it in his garage.
Chuck Norris is the reason you can't see vampires in mirrors.
Darth Vader's lightsaber is a replica of Chuck Norris' shlong.
Chuck Norris gives up his shadow for Lent.
When Chuck Norris was 9 he was out trick or treating and ran into Freddy Kruger. Chuck kicked the crap out of Freddy then took his candy.
Chuck Norris can belive its not butter
When Chuck Norris got his vasectomy, the Doctor put his scalpel back in the drawer and used a chainsaw.
The only man alive that scares Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
If you and Chuck happen to be wearing the same clothes, Chuck Norris is better dressed than you.
One time, Chuck Norris was crossing the street without looking both ways. He ran over a car.
Chuck Norris once kicked Doyle Brunson's ace.
Chuck Norris once lit up a cigar in the Sahara Forest.
Want to end illegal immigration from all corners of the world? Four words: Chuck Norris, INS Commissioner.
Chuck Norris can take the way into the heart of Robin Scherbatzky while mosbying her.
When God told Chuck Norris he was going to create the earth in six days Chuck Norris said you better or else.
Chuck Norris stuffs lockers into bullies
After drinking a case of Corona beer, Chuck Norris' urine smells like a steaming platter of chicken fajitas.
The only time Chuck Norris felt sadness was when he read Nuck Chorris' jokes.
Chuck Norris can run Windows Vista without it crashing...on a 286!
You can totally tell that the chick who won Eurovision was fathered by Chuck Norris.
A man once told Chuck Norris that he and everyone would be wise to learn to "expect the unexpected" in life's journey. Chuck Norris then immediately roundhouse kicked the man in the face and said, "did you expect that?"
Every morning, Chuck Norris has a bowl of nails for breakfast.
Chuck Norris recently appeared on a 15-minute segment of 'Good Morning America', to promote and demonstrate the Total Gym 1000, while holding a bison in a headlock.
Chuck Norris was once invited to a Square Dance Hoedown. For clear and obvious reasons, there were no survivors.
Chuck Norris recently stated that cigars taste 'considerably better' when lit off of a flaming human corpse.
Chuck Norris gave out the location of Osama Bin Laden!
Chuck Norris can kick his way out of a black hole's Schwartzchild radius.
George Thorogood was inspired by Chuck Norris, when he composed "Bad to the Bone".
When Chuck Norris gives his song and dance, he sings Bad To The Bone while he dances on your face.
Chuck Norris was asked to donate blood. He proceed to donate 6 quarts... Simply by roundhouse kicking the flabotomist.
If Chuck Norris was God, there would be no sand but only concrete, no water but only Liquir.
Chuck Norris can lick your tattoos off.
Chuck Norris' first car was a bulldozer.
Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.
A good man is hard to find, but Chuck Norris can easily find one and snap him over his knee.
Chuck Norris put the bop in the bop shoo wop shoo wop. He also put the ram in the ramalama-ding-dong.
When Chuck Norris was little, his parents bought him an anvil for his playpen. He broke it immediately.
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris can open locked doors. Without a key.
Chuck Norris knows what you did last winter.
When Chuck Norris goes to the airport, TSA agents grope themselves.
Manual doors open automatically for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was surfing and came face to face with a huge Great White shark. The shark quickly swam away after sustaining a very serious Chuck Norris bite.
If Superman and The Flash had a race to the end of the world, Chuck Norris would be the winner.
Many people can make rocks skip on water. Chuck Norris does it better -- by skipping entire islands.
Like many other magnificient creatures, Chuck Norris has his own mating season, we know this season better as winter
Chuck Norris doesn't have a nervous system. He has a supremely tough and confident system.
Chuck Norris invented "That's what she said", and your mom went, 'oh yeah'
Chuck Norris can turn even the safest firework into an instrument of mass destruction.
Orange Bird is both the smallest and largest bird in Angry Birds Theme 18-2. Chuck Norris has both the smallest and largest 8=D.
Music soothes the savage beast... unless, of course, the savage beast in question is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can match the pwer packed taste of Sunny D.
Some people are lactose intolerant. Dairy is Chuck Norris intolerant.
In his high school year book, Chuck Norris was named " most likely to kick you in the face ".
The six stages of grief: 1.Denial 2.Anger 3.Bargaining 4.Depression 5.Acceptance 6.Being Killed By Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a hole into a cow, just to see what was coming down the road.
Chuck Norris died once. when greated by the grim reaper chuck proceded 2 round house kick the reaper.long story short death will never make that mistake again
Chuck Norris made a legless man run for his life.
Garmin GPS Googles Chuck Norris for directions.
Black-eyed peas were normal peas before Chuck Norris decided he didn't like peas.
Chuck Norris is Wolverine's favorite X-Man.
Chuck Norris can stop the space-time continum
How do you know when Chuck Norris has been in your house? You are now homeless. And, more often than not, dead.
Chuck Norris can bring a gun to a lightsaber duel
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hot Potato with live hand grenades.
Jesus could turn water into wine. Chuck Norris can turn his own piss into award-winning top shelf whiskey.
A cab driver in Paris received a near fatal roundhouse to his face from Chuck Norris. It was Chuck Norris' way of saying Hi in French.
Chuck Norris invented taking credit for other people's inventions. But he has also invented heaps of stuff
The National Weather Service was going to name a hurricane after Chuck Norris but television stations would not allow them to call it "Hurricane Fuck'em Up Chuck".
Once Chuck Norris pissed off anger, and that is how happiness was invented.
Chuck Norris is the best thing since sliced bread, which of course, was invented by by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow
GOD created the world in 6 days, what did he do on his rest day? HE CREATED CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris was born at the speed of sound into the forehead of a Nazi.
Chuck Norris once ate a rubix cube. He pooped it out solved
Chuck Norris throw Gun powder over his frenchfries.
Chuck Norris flosses with lightning.
The only time Chuck Norris has ever had his butt whooped is when the doctor did it when he was born. The Dr. has been in hiding ever since.
Chuck Norris was at a restaurant when the waitress asked if he would like to try their Tofu. Chuck said "lady, I'd rather piss upwind in a hurricane".
Phonics are hooked on Chuck Norris.
When playing craps, Chuck Norris only uses one die. And he always rolls a 7.
It wasn't the a-bomb that annihilated nagasaki and hiroshima during WWII..it was Chuck Norris jumping out of the plane and punching the ground.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
It's actually incorrect to say that Chuck Norris does not give a fuck. He had no fucks in the first place. One cannot give fucks that one does not have.
Chuck Norris never learns. He knows.
Chuck Norris had an unfortunate run in with The Predator. It was unfortunate for the Predator, as Chuck slapped him stupid and sent him home.
Chuck Norris tweaked his Harley, to give it 4-wheel-drive.
When nature calls Chuck Norris hangs up
Chuck Norris is a Father You DON'T Wanna Have !
A person tried to assasinate Chuck Norris. When he shot the bullet, a person died. The person? The one with the gun.
Chuck Norris can rob a drunk guy's gun store.
Chuck Norris can pay his credit card bill with his credit card.
Chuck Norris can enrich uranium in his popcorn maker.
Chuck Norris can read the whole bible in one day.
Bono cant find what he is looking for because Chuck Norris found it first
If you ever piss Chuck Norris off while he is standing in the light of a full moon, he will naturally turn into a werechuck and fuck you right the hell on up.
Chuck Norris won the 1994 Grammy for best new song. His song went like this: "The wheels on the bus go fuck yourself."
The reason the Angry Birds are so angry is because they don't live in the same world as Chuck Norris.
The only reason the world will end is because, Chuck Norris will retire.
Chuck Norris' best man at his first wedding was Chuck Norris from 5 years in the future. All nine bridesmaids were Norris' future ex-wives.
Chuck Norris only smokes Havana cigars and the cigars are personaly delived to Chuck Norris by Castro.
Chuck Norris can walk on trees.
Chuck Norris knows the Vengabus is coming.
God is still slightly pissed off at Chuck Norris for using his halo to kill so many people... but he won't say anything about it.
Uncle Sam is Chuck Norris' nephew.
Chuck Norris can slice fries with his beard. He then stares at them until they are Golden Brown.
Chuck Norris breaks the hand that feeds him.
The Grand Canyon is Chuck Norris' toilet.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before Chuck Norris kills me in my sleep.
Chuck Norris can make gold from bear shit.
Steven Seagal has a full sized tattoo of Chuck Norris ass on his face.
The only reason why there is night is because the sun is hidding from Chuck Norris.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just has a fever.
Chuck Norris can time his attacks with pinpoint accuracy. For example, just as you start to relax in his presence - BOOM - his boot enters your face.
Chuck Norris honestly does read Playboy for the articles, as all the models are too plain and flat-chested.
Governments are on Chuck Norris watch lists.
Richard Simmons only wears his ridiculous gym attire and sweats to the oldies because he lost a bet with Chuck Norris.
A strange-but-true phenomenon - whenever there is a natural disaster in the world, Chuck Norris' stocks soar.
Chuck Norris' ego wears a cape and a crown.
Chuck Norris isn't lusty- he only has bloodlust.
Chuck Norris can make lemonade out of oranges.
Chuck Norris once won The Indianapolis 500 while driving bulldozer in reverse.
The Chuck Norris-approved Chucknopoly is the world's only board game that is potentially fatal.
Chuck Norris once went into a sensory deprivation chamber for two hours... and came out with at least three new senses.
Chuck Norris once pissed in the woods and it became the Petrified Forest.
Chuck Norris can eat breakfast in McDonalds after 11:00am
In every computer game, the final level is Chuck Norris. If you don't beat those before, he does.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Chuck Norris uses the HOV lane by himself.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
We all know that any mortal punching Chuck Norris' chin is just pressing the big red "Please Notice and Flatten Me Now" button hidden under his beard.
Chuck Norris once used the Grim Reaper as a Sherper up Everest but Roundhouse kicked him in the Death Zone and summitted ALONE
Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with barbed wire.
The Japanese surrendered in WWII because they got word that Chuck Norris just got out of boot camp.
The danger of death sign is not a warning that you will get an electric shock that kills you, its a warning that Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked somebody there.
After Mr. T predicted pain in Rocky III, the studio had to hire a Mr. T look-alike to walk around the set as a safety precaution, because Chuck Norris would be the first to say be careful what you wish for.
Chuck Norris calls a spade a spear.
Chuck Norris is allergic to allergies.
Chuck Norris can literally charm pants off ladies. This of course is useful for his ninesomes.
chances are by the time you meet Chuck Norris, you've already been roundhoused.
Chuck Norris combs his hair with a pitchfork.
Chuck Norris knows how to get to Sesame Street
In summer time, when Chuck Norris goes outside, he doesn't go in the shade. The sun hides behind the clouds.
Chuck Norris speaks fluent Klingon, just so he can slaughter any nerd he hears speaking it.
Chuck Norris has delivered enough roundhouse kicks to the ass to know just how many of them it takes to make a bountiful bouquet of hemorrhoids.
Chuck Norris coughs up more daily hairballs than a dozen house cats strictly due to the volume of his daily muff-diving requests.
How did Santa's reindeer learn how to fly? Chuck Norris ordered them to damn well better learn how.
Chuck Norris can bake a cake by following the directions backwards.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris is not allowed to play in the NBA because only he can complete a 3 point slam dunk.
Chuck Norris tears heal cancer. To bad he has never cried
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he spanked his monkey with a baboon.
Chuck Norris once busted every player in a poker game on the first hand with nothing but a five deuce off suite and his fists.
Despite popular belief God didn't rest on the seventh day...He created Chuck Norris!
Aliens acid isnt nearly as bad as Chuck Norris's spit.
Submission of Chuck Norris facts is known add inches in males and increased bust size in females.
Once, while dining in a fancy New York restaurant, Chuck Norris discovered a fly in his soup. There were no survivors.
The last time Chuck Norris was invited to the White House, the invitation said 'come as you are', so that's how he went - wearing nothing but a pair of assless chaps and a beer.
Chuck Norris skipped recess in school, becuse he don't play
Chuck Norris directed Two Girls One Cup
The Big Bad Wolf is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can spell the word "one" with the number 1.
Chuck Norris can see sound....and kill it
Chuck Norris is probably watching you right now. Don't turn around.
When Chuck Norris calls you your options are "Answer" or "Answer".
Chuck Norris can mash a potato in one blow, with a skewer.
The last person smart-off to Chuck Norris found himself picking up his teeth with two broken arms and counting them with two black eyes.
Chuck Norris' saliva is used to euthanize Komodo dragons.
Chuck Norris can parallel park a tank.
Chuck Norris can play Angry Birds from a payphone...
Chuck Norris showed the Feds videos of him shooting 2pac and Biggie, but there was not enough evidence to convict him
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give Chuck Norris a fish, he will kill you with it.
Chuck Norris can ride a bike. Without getting on.
Chuck Norris is, in theory, banned from visiting Greenland as his body heat will melt the glaciers. I say 'in theory' because nobody can fucking ban Chuck Norris from anywhere. It's just lucky that Chuck don't give a shit about Greenland.
Chuck Norris once rounded up every American who was a left-wing, tree-hugging, queer-lovin', anti-gun-ownin' Commie-Pacifist and banished them North. This is the story of how Canada was founded.
Chuck Norris doesn't get 2-day deliveries from Amazon, he gets his order the same day
When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror the mirror shatters because the mirror isn't even stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was young...Santa sat on his lap.
The Sun is Chuck Norris' Snuggie
The most powerful malware that no anti-virus can quarantine is called Chuck Norris' roundhouse...
Chuck Norris made the mayans extinct.
Chuck Norris once went separate ways.
Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran straight outta Compton.
While vacationing in Japan, Chuck Norris shot a hole in one at Pebble Beach.
When economic crisis comes, you should know that Chuck Norris is playing Monopoly.
Chuck Norris can get free internet access, text messages and smart phone app functionality from train station pay phones.
Chuck Norris can tear a hole in the very fabric of space-time by simply rubbing his hands together.
Chuck Norris trims his beard with piranha"s.
Chuck Norris recently ate 4 bean burritos at a Southern CA Taco Bell. 30 minutes later, 2 miles of San Fernando Valley sewer line blew up.
Chuck Norris once turned Medusa to stone
Chuck Norris doesn't take out the garbage. Garbage knows enough to get the hell out of Chuck's house.
Chuck Norris is more self-aware than a zen monk levitating in a hall of mirrors.
Chuck Norris is why Alfred E. Neuman should worry.
When Christopher Columbus first reached the Americas Chuck Norris greeted him with a big ole Texas BBQ.
The sun really shines on Chuck Norris. We just happen to live close enough to him.
Chuck Norris can make a stop sign start.
A Mars a day helps Chuck Norris to kill assholes and shag his multitudes of women. He don't need to rest.
When Chuck Norris goes for a swim in the ocean, sharks try to punch him in the nose to avoid being attacked.
The Man works for Chuck Norris
Calculator's refuse to work around Chuck Norris in fear of outsmarting him
Chuck Norris went ice fishing and caught an igloo, the Titanic iceberg and a dead Polar Bear.
On a bad day, Chuck Norris will kill you. On a good day Chuck Norris will have only pulled your hemorrhoids out thru your nostrils.
Whenever you lie, Chuck Norris pulls the wings off a fairy, then shoves it in his mouth and sucks out all the moisture.
Chuck Norris can beatbox at over 500 bpm.
The only reason why you feel hot like sh*t is because Chuck Norris sh*t on you.
When Chuck Norris wants chicken, he really means children.
Gary Neville can kick a football 200meters, to out do Garry Chuck Norris kicked phill Neville 300 meters
How would "Gilligan's Island" been different if Chuck Norris was in charge of the SS Minnow? * No goofy sailors * No professors * No old rich people * More orgies involving Ginger and Mary Ann and their nubile friends
Chuck Norris came before the chicken or the egg.
every time Chuck Norris has a beer 17 people die
Chuck Norris' pet hamster can kick a pit bulls ass.
And just who were Rage Against The Machine killing in the name of? Chuck Norris.
Richard Simmons is an example of someone acknowledging the existence of Chuck Norris. Before they met, Richard was originally known as Fabio.
Madonna was a quiet unassuming virgin before her date with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows exactly how many roundhouse kicks to your ass that it takes to make a poignant hemorrhoidal bouquet for you...one!
When Chuck Norris goes to bed. He checks the closest for bruce lee
Chuck Norris stole Clara's beef.
Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is actually a 20 foot Tesla coil. It is also necessary to power his electric beard trimmer.
Chuck Norris inspired R.Kelly to write the song "I Believe I Can Fly" after he received a roundhouse kick that sent him flying to the moon.
People believe we evolved from monkeys. Actually, we evolved backwards from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won the Daytona 500 in a Barbie Jeep.
Chuck Norris was actually the one who made the world, he was just modest and let god take the credit.
Chuck Norris shot tupac and biggie.
There will no longer be Mixed Martial Arts; Chuck Norris sorted them all out.
Chuck Norris got his first pair of nunchucks when he was a zygote.
Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor.... no one slaps Chuck Norris
America is not a democracy. Its a Chucktatorship ruled by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hypnitize you by simply unzipping.
Chuck Norris makes great charcoal grilled cannibal kabobs.
The only way you can die is by Chuck Norris. If you're about to die by something else, he'll kill you a nanosecond beforehand.
Chuck Norris' favorite handgun is an M1A1 Abrams.
If you build it, Chuck Norris will come and kill you.
John Denver wrote "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" when Chuck Norris moved to the city.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at KFC. He got one.
Chuck Norris once set a magnifying glass on fire with ants...during a thunderstorm.
Tht legendary Thunderbird is Chuck Norris's pet bird.
Chuck Norris drinks unholy water.
If Chuck Norris ever died... Wait... What am I saying? He can't.
Once as a 3 year old child, Chuck Norris fell down and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.
Hurricanes are mother nature's way of running from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man with a merciful glancing blow to the forehead. And as a result, the man now has a fivehead.
When Chuck Norris plays Combat Arms he uses only his fist
Chuck Norris was the first one to know that the bird is the word
Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
For Chuck Norris, NOT skinning you alive the moment he sets eyes on you is considered one of his warmest greetings.
Chuck Norris can rob a bank with a squirt gun.
There are more than 1 billion Chinese people throughout the world because Chuck Norris likes Chinese food.
Chuck Norris' swiss army knife has over 9,000 seperate tools in it, including some that no human has ever seen before. And it's fucking american, not swiss.
Blackouts are caused by Chuck Norris charging his iPhone.
When Chuck Norris sends you a poke on Facebook, it kills you.
The real question is "What would a Klondike Bar do for Chuck Norris?"
Chuck Norris dis-assimilated The Borg with paperclip and a can opener.
Chuck Norris doesn't pass feces. He literally scares the shit out of himself.
Chuck Norris was once asked if he liked soccer. The last thing the questioner ever saw was Chuck's boot just before his decapitation.
A school decided to motivate its students by putting up "Chuck Norris is Watching You" posters around the building. Within 2 months, discipline problems fell to zero and test scores went up 300%.
Chuck Norris has a cameo in Armageddon, The day after tomorrow, 2012, and war of the worlds... as the same role.
When Freddy Krueger falls asleep , Chuck Norris appears to kick his ass!
Chuck Norris once killed a T-rex With A lion
Chuck Norris's Round House Kick causes particle accelaration.
The Aboriginal witch doctors of Australia consider Chuck Norris a godlike spirit-man for his ability to fart loud didgeridoo-like tones that paralyze wambats and other indigenous tablefare.
Chuck Norris knows that climate change is bullshit. Chuck Norris changes the climate however he damn well pleases.
Born 12 feet tall, Chuck Norris shrinks himself 20% every 1,000 years to "keep killing interesting".
A sports writer interviewed Chuck Norris and asked if he had any sports experience. Chuck said he had experience in the broad jump, that he had once jumped 3 broads the same night.
Chuck Norris has won the Publisher Clearing House 1 million a year for live every year for the last ten years. But he has never entered their contest.
Chuck Norris can milk a cow with your face.
It was called Goodminton until Chuck Norris started playing.
Chuck Norris can invoke a Blue Screen of Death in a Mac and a Linux box through fear.
In 1960 10 boys in an an Oklahoma Jr High school were arrested for huffing glue & spray paint. One, a young Chuck Norris, was later realeased after police determined he was actually only huffing tear gas canisters.
Chuck Norris had to go pee, next thing you now the oceans were made
In 1508, Chuck Norris threw a tin of paint at a ceiling, ever since then thousands of people flock to see the Sistine Chapel.
Chuck Norris regularly performs mind tricks on Jedi Knights.
Chuck Norris is on first-name terms with every coroner in Texas. He also has killed many of them.
Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
Sadaharu Oh holds the world record with 868 home runs in his career. Chuck Norris could break that record in a single season.
It is rumored that Billy May's last words were that he thought he was starting to look like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a football into outer space and martians came down to return it.
You may be wondering, 'why can't Chuck Norris use his incredible powers to end poverty, starvation and disease and bring about world peace?' Shut the fuck up, that's why.
Chuck Norris is suing CNN for using two of his initials in there name...
Rhythm is a slave to the Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the Pointing Towel Man in the Ring cursed video tape.
When James Cameron reached the deepest point on Earth at Mariana Trench, he saw no signs of life there except for some tiny shrimp-like creatures and Chuck Norris meditating on the ocean floor.
A lady once asked Chuck Norris to kiss her baby. He thought she said 'kick'. Oops.
Chuck Norris dunks onion rings in his morning coffee.
Chuck Norris has the ability to never think arby's
Chuck Norris keeps Marsellus Wallace's soul in his wallet.
Unlike Mr T, Chuck Norris does not pity the fool. Chuck Norris beats him to death.
When a waiter asks Chuck Norris what he wants to drink, he responds with a roundhouse kick to the face and collecting the waiter's tears in a glass. He drinks them and then tells the waiter for ice next time.
Chuck Norris could tell you his secret, but theres 1 requirement. You must die.
Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it some more.
Some people can make animal shapes out of balloons. Chuck Norris can do the same with human organs.
In 1968, Chuck Norris found himself unarmed and surrounded by 2000 Viet Cong troops. They immediately surrendered.
"Chuck Norris once played chicken with a rhino", "the rhino died!"
Chuck Norris knows Italian fluently, but prefers to let his roundhouse kicks to do the talking when in Rome.
All men are created equal. Except, of course, for Chuck Norris, who is more equal than anybody else.
Chuck Norris made Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.
Chuck Norris is in the killing business and to quote Chuck Norris "Business Is Good.
Chuck Norris can keep chumbawumba down
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.
Chuck Norris knows your secrets.
Chuck Norris would buy that for a dollar. But is getting it for free anyway.
Chuck Norris once broke Mach 2 while jogging.
AI data centers consume enough electricity to power small countries. Chuck Norris' treadmill powers three of them.
Chuck Norris uses Agent Orange as deoderant.
Sasquatch once found a Chuck Norris footprint.
Eskimos club baby seals to death for their fur. Chuck Norris clubs Eskimos for their teeth. That's why you never see an Eskimo with teeth grinning.
Gangsters spend all their lives living in Chuck Norris' Paradise
Chuck Norris rhymes with 'kill'.
Before Chuck Norris came along, pitbulls were lap dogs.
Chuck Norris never had to knock on wood. But he knows some assholes he killed who have. Which make him wonder if you should. Because he knows it isn't good. That's the impression of his boot in your face that you'll get.
Every night when Chuck Norris goes to sleep, his beard detatches itself, picks up a small knife and sprints towards the city in hopes to match his killcount.
There is only 1 person in the world who can kill Chuck Norris, ITS HIS EVIL TWIN Chack Norris
if Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
Chuck Norris jogs for an hour every morning at 6am. He finishes at 5am.
Chuck Norris got so pissed off at IE6 he roundhouse kicked it and to this day it still can't render css properly.
Chuck Norris' natural pubic musk has the same properties as chloroform.
He used to be called The Headed Horseman before Chuck Norris met him.
Chuck Norris fucked the fat lady after it was over.
Chuck Norris uses the shards of broken liquor bottles as contact lenses.
The demon in Paranormal Activity disperses powder on his door to see Chuck Norris' footprints
The reason why Japan has too many disasters like the WWII bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, earthquakes and tsunamis is because they always mispronounced his name in their prayers and praises as "CHUCK NOLLIS" instead of CHUCK NORRIS.
The only way Chuck Norris can die is from a kiss of true love delivered by Richard Simmons.
If Chuck Norris cuts ahead of you in line, just be thankful he let you survive after being in his way.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Nina Needs to Go!
Rattlesnakes FEAR a Chuck Norris bite.
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
Chuck Norris is only man who has held all weight class championship belts in UFC at the same time
Hello Kitty has stubby arms because Chuck Norris was feeling hungry.
The Producer asked Chuck Norris if he would appear on an episode of Naked and Afraid. Chuck said "I have no problem gettin' naked but none of that crap on your show is gonna scare me".
Chuck Norris invented dark matter to fool scientists!
Chuck Norris actually has German blood. He keeps it in the fridge next to the mayonnaise.
Chuck Norris eats spaghetti with a spoon
Once upon a time, there was a warrior. He was destined to save the earth from all evils. That man was not Chuck Norris, because Chuck ate that man. Don't piss him off.
Every Chuck Norris handshake comes with a free lifetime limp.
The victims of Michael Myers run around helpless and scared to death until he finds them and stab them. but Michael Myers is always on the run cause he's terrified of how hard Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him when he finds him.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Chuck Norris's side.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can staple water to a tree
Led Zeppelin originally wanted to call their songs "Whole Lotta Chuck" and "Stairway To Chuck Norris' Basement"
Chuck Norris can eat tomato soup with chopsticks.
Chuck Norris once broke the law. They are still trying to put it back together.
Chuck Norris' vocal cords have built-in autotune.
Chuck Norris owns the Elephant Man's skeleton, and recently aquired Michael Jackson's.
Chuck Norris isn't a human being, he's a human doing.
Scientists say perpetual motion is impossible... Chuck Norris proved them wrong with a stare.
Chuck Norris invented stuffed turkey, cranberries and sweet potatoes. He also invented 'the wheel'. In America we celebrate Thanksgiving because Chuck Norris doesn't make us eat wheels too.
Chuck Norris survived the atomic bombs, he still stayed as a smooth-skin.
Chuck Norris shot down fifty-two German fighter jets- in 2007.
Chuck Norris once won a drag race with a bulldozer.
If Chuck Norris fights with himself it's a win-win situation.
Chuck Norris can rescue you from a fate worse than death - not being violently killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris smokes only the finest herb through the barrel of a .30-06
Chuck Norris CAN fit a square peg in a round hole.
The odds of a Star Destroyer surviving a direct assault on Chuck Norris are approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one.
Chuck Norris has a hippieskin rug in his living room.
If you threw Chuck Norris' toenail clippings away, they would come back.
When Medusa stared at Chuck Norris SHE turned to stone.
Switzerland guarantees its neutrality by paying Chuck Norris a tribute of 10 million dollars and 52 hot women each year.
Chuck Norris used Thor's hammer to tack a picture up on his living room wall.
Once Chuck Norris Kicked a football , Now We are calling it as Moon.
Chuck Norris once slam-dunked a supermarket against the side of a mountain.
Chuck Norris will kick your ass by way of your head.
They wanted Amy Winehouse to go to rehab, but she said no, no, no. So Chuck Norris killed her.
Arnold had to beg Chuck Norris for the role of Terminator.
The number pi isn't really infinite.Chuck Norris just hasn't told it to stop yet.
Chuck Norris surgically removed his his own hemorrhoids with his toenails, tanned them and made a beautiful travel bag out of them.
The Military has nothing on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the real ARMY OF ONE!!!
Chuck Norris has only one fear...that's why there are no mirrors in his house
Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers.
Chuck Norris invented the A-Team so that at some point in time he could devour them and become four times as awesome.
Foghorn Leghorn to Chuck Norris: "Listen to me, I say, pay attention to me boy when I'm talkin to ya!" Chuck Norris: "Anybody care for some chicken fricassee?"
Chuck Norris gives computers viruses
Chuck Norris knows where it's at. It's at his house.
Ron Jeremy is jealous of only one man: Chuck Norris.
Don't hate the playa, or the game... hate Chuck Norris. Then prepare to die.
Chuck Norris plucks his nose hairs with a set of vise grips.
You can do what you want in international waters... that's why Chuck Norris filled his Jacuzzi with international water
Schrodinger's Cat is not simultaneously dead and alive. Schrodinger's Cat is dead OR alive dependent on whether E=CN.(Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris breeds twelve-thousand horsepower horses
God help anyone who attends a Chuck Norris poetry slam.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Amish men grow beards.
Chuck Norris does die, but is reborn an adult seconds after he dies.
Chuck Norris can talk backwards. In Chinese.
Chuck Norris once went fishing, but then ended up fighting a shark and roundhouse kicking it into the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris wears white after Labor Day.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you into yourself, and then kick the you that's within yourself into outer space.
10 out of 10 Doctors agree that a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick will kill every thing in a 10 mile radius.
It isn't what Chuck Norris would do for a Klondike bar, but more so, what a Klondike bar would do for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was asked if he would date Rosie O'Donnell? Chuck said "I'd rather shove a lit match up my pee-hole".
Chuck Norris has never lost "The Game."
Any conservitive estimate of the amount of presents Chuck Norris has received each year for Christmas is still in the billions.
Chuck Norris' moustache & beard is actually a cleverly disguised manicured extension of his nasal hair just simply because it is impossible for him to grow hair on his steel jaw.
If you ever use the expression 'it happens to the best of us' around Chuck Norris, get ready for something violent to happen to you.
Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop. He can then locate it by sense of smell, and kill you with it.
Legend has it that a weak, sickly 6 year boy named Chuck Norris was thrown into the River Styx by a gang of 10 year old bullies. The bullies were never seen or heard of again.
Chuck Norris Does not get DUI's. Police officers go missing.
After The Hulk lost an arm wrestling contest with Chuck Norris, he turned green with envy.
Chuck Norris fought the law and the law won .. NOT!
Whenever Chuck Norris gets deja vu, people come back to life.
Arnold was elected for governor of California because Chuck Norris voted for him.
Chuck Norris doesn't take the front door. He takes the front wall as his entrance.
No woman can say no to Chuck Norris, because the only person who can deny Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris. For when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker within a ten-mile radius, including you, accept no substitute.
When Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. When he's smiling while roundhouse kicking someone, then two people die.
Chuck Norris can do a round house kick on his knees.
Chuck Norris created his own language with signs such as roundhouse kicking people in the face. So if Chuck Norris is kicking your ass one day, he may just be saying that he likes your hat.
Jiggy gets Chuck Norris widdit.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elboe.
Chuck Norris beat Nintendo's "Where's Waldo?" on a black and white television.
Chuck Norris and mr. T walked into a bar together. seconds later, that bar imploded. that much awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris CAN argue with a man holding a running chainsaw.
If you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, you are probably between Chuck Norris' foot and a brick wall.
Chuck Norris isn't as tuff as everyone says. What was that? It just sounded like someone kicked my door down.
Chuck Norris once round house a chevy and a ford was invented
Chuck Norris knows who shot J.R
It goes without saying that non-smoking laws do NOT apply to Chuck Norris. Gas stations, maternity wards, fireworks factories, the White House, wherever he is, he'll strike a match off your face an blow a huge plume into it. Then roundhouse kick you.
upChuck is a term now used to describe how far in the air you fly when Chuck Norris kicks your ass.
Superman is able to leap tall buidings in a single bound. Chuck Norris is able to tell them to get the hell out of his way.
Einstein may have invented the therory of relativity- Chuck Norris invented the reality of kicking ass.
If you stand in front of a candlelit mirror at midnight and chant the name of Chuck Norris three times, his fist will smash through the wall and your face before you even complete the first syllable.
Chuck Norris washes his pennis with Pine-Sol and a wire brush.
Every time someone types 'Chuck Norris', a gas station explodes.
Chuck Norris once made a cannibal eat a bowl of creamed asparagus soup.
Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at Mcdonald's, and got one!!!!!!
Chuck Norris' Texas Ranger softball team won unexpectedly 150 to 0 in the bottom first inning when in foul territory he ran down and caught a Golden Snitch.
Chuck Norris keeps a boazooka and a gatling gun in his glove compartment.
Chuck Norris and Super man had a bet,the bet was the looser had to wear his underwear out of his pants.
You will never see a Sasquatch because they're not about to risk running into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so badass, he takes out his USB without safely removing...
When Chuck Norris goes swimmimg in the ocean, the sharks panic.
Chuck Norris once wrote & published a book titled 'Under the Bleachers" under his pen name of Seymore Butts.
Chuck Norris can beat an Englishman in an impersonating British accents.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, his afterbirth enlisted as a Navy Seal.
You can sometimes guess what Chuck Norris is about to do to you by listening to the music that plays out of nowhere when he settles his terrifying glare on you.
Whenever Chuck Norris sees a Best Buy, he burns it to the ground, because he firmly believes that a total gym for three payments of 19.99 is the best buy you'll ever find.
Chuck Norris once had AIDS and cancer - for breakfast.
Chuck Norris can drive a frieght train, trim his toenails and butcher a steer at the same time time.
There are two kinds of women in the world; those who have slept with Chuck Norris, and those who want to.
By adding only a few herbs & spices, Chuck Norris makes a delightful vinegar tea.
Chuck Norris can mess with the Zohan.
Chuck Norris can pull your entire skeletal system through any orifice on your body.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat vegetables, because they don't beg for mercy.
One of the most notorious and highly sought-after unreleased albums ever made was the legendary collaboration between Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson, 'Moonwalker: Texas Ranger'.
Chuck Norris will never die. Every time Death pays him a visit, Chuck Norris will kick his ass with a roundhouse kick in the face.
A deadly Texas Tornardo knows better than to damage or destroy any property or anything that belongs to Chuck Norris or any of his family if the Tornardo knows what is best for it because Chuck Norris is God.
Chuck Norris taught Bane how to be a chiropractor
The upcoming Blade Runner: Definitive Edition has a newly-restored voice-over narration by Chuck Norris
Remember what happens in the movie "Candyman" when you say his name three times if you try to say Chuck Norris name three times you wouldn't get the chance to say the last two before he roundhouse kicks your face.
There was supposed to be a Office 2008 but the spell check on word failed to capitalize Chuck Norris's name so he round house kicked it out of existence.
Nobody even survives the audio commentary of Chuck Norris' movies.
Chuck Norris can hit a banjo in the butt with a bull.
Chuck Norris considers hurricane force winds to be "a nice breeze".
If Chuck Norris were to glare at 'The Situation' it would instantly transform him into a beer bellied redneck hog farmer.
Chuck Norris is the only man in history to win a Tag Team championship solo.
If you see Chuck Norris, and he's moving, it's already too late to run.
It was once known as "The Bad Humor" ice cream, ice cream truck and ice cream man. Then,Chuck Norris resigned.
You become aware that Chuck Norris has just roundhouse kicked you in the face when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and find out it's the floor.
Chuck Norris ain't no diamond in the rough. He's just fucking rough
Many a cowboy has ridden a brahma bull barebacked. Chuck Norris has ridden many a grizzly bear bullbacked.
How come so many Godzilla movies were made? Because they never hired Chuck Norris to kill him off once and for all.
Chuck Norris once downloaded the entire Internet
Chuck Norris can crush walnuts between his ass-cheeks. He can also do this to beer kegs and human skulls.
Dont waste your time. Die from Chuck Norris! :D
Chuck Norris can pleasure a woman by simply pointing his fingers and saying "Booyah".
It is against Islamic law to depict Mohammed. But no one has ever called Chuck Norris on ripping Mohammed's balls off. They're in the Smithsonian.
Chuck Norris doesn't get frostbite, Chuck Norris bites the frost.
Chuck Norris can sit on the dock of the bay and watch the tide roll away, without wasting a second of time.
The Aurora Borealis only occurs on late night evenings after Chuck Norris takes an outdoor shit on the Texas prairie.
Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know as the Bermuda triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers
Chuck Norris's parents used police bullet proof vests to make his diapers.
Chuck Norris can do a cannonball off the diving board without making a splash.
Anatomy and Physiology is now the study of how and why our bodies are ultimately inferior to Chuck Norris'.
Chuck Norris' driver's license simply shows his shoe size.
If Chuck Norris ever dies, the US military will honor him with a 21-nuke salute, on France, just like he always wanted.
Chuck Norris knows how the Neverending Story ends.
God didnt create Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris created God
The automobile air bag was originally a failed invention to try and soften a blow from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris has to 'dumb it down' when chatting with Stephen Hawking
Chuck Norris can stop the the Brian Adams started.
Chuck Norris ran out of fucks to give ages ago. And he didn't have all that many to begin with.
Chuck Norris ... yeah that's right.
When Chuck Norris has heartburn he eats a dozen Bhut Jolokia peppers then he drinks a gallon of napalm, then he eats a lit cigarette
Chuck Norris is the reason chihuahuas always tremble.
Chuck Norris is the reason Tupac is hiding.
Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris sensed a great disturbance in the force. Then he laughed, because he realised it was himself.
The reason why we have night time is because Chuck Norris commands the sun to go to sleep.
The first title was alien vs. Predator vs. Chuck Norris , but no one wanted to see a movie that only lasted 14 seconds.
Chuck Norris can eat an apple through a tennis racket
It was going to be called 'Expendables 2: The One With Chuck Norris', but he decided to give all the other movies a break.
It goes without saying that you can't hold a candle to Chuck Norris. Mainly because he will fart on it and incinerate you.
Chuck Norris can sing in a bass voice that makes Barry White and Lou Rawls sound like members of The Chipmunks by comparison.
Chuck Norris can tell time on a compass.
Chuck Norris once shot a flea through the heart with a .44 Magnum.
If any of us were to have our peaceful lives suddenly shattered in front of us, we'd probably crawl into a fetal position. Chuck Norris doesn't roll that way. Chuck Norris yawns. Loudly.
Satan would donate his soul to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris calls up Billy Ray Cyrus at least once a week to laugh at him.
Chuck Norris knows the way to san Jose.
The reason were greatful for life is because Chuck Norris lets us lie
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is "The Two"
When singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, Chuck Norris takes one down and doesn't pass it around.
The ONLY Chuck Norris regret.... inventing Al Gore.
Once Chuck Norris pissed off anger, and that is how happyiess was invented.
Chuck Norris catches the early bird.
Chuck Norris speaks every language on Earth, and three more that no one else speaks.
If someone says, nobodys perfect, Chuck Norris takes that as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris' girlfriend asked him to sing her a tender love song, so Chuck belted out a rousing rendition of George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone.
Chuck Norris gives Red Bull wings
When Chuck Norris was born his mother didn't have a enough breast milk so a herd of milking cows were brought in each day. 8 weeks later he was able to dine on Texas BBQ with all the fixins.
After having intercourse with his high school girlfriend Chuck Norris whispered into her ear... "You have 30 minutes to get to the nearest hospital".
Count from 1-10. That's how long it takes for Chuck Norris to kill you- 47 times.
Aliens have been abducted by Chuck Norris.
Wanna know what Bill Murray whispered into Scarlett Johanson's ear at the end of Lost In Translation? "I don't love you, I love Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once acquired two Harley-Davidsons by Karate-chopping a muscle car in half.
There are no Chuck Norris Jokes. Only Chuck Norris Facts.
The local name for Mt. Everest means "Mountain almost as large as the manhood of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris and Superman once arm wrestled. The bet was that who ever lost would have to wear his underwear over his pants - forever.
Chuck Norris has no hair on his balls This is because hair cannot grow out of steel
Chuck Norris invented Gravity to prevent people from leaving Earth.
An elephant never forgets Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris opened his mouth he made dodo birds extinct.
Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Sufferer's annual national convention
Chuck Norris kills and average of 12.3 people on his way to the store
Chuck Norris can win a gun fight by saying BANG!
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes KILLING.
In the age of the dinosaurs, "comet" was the nickname of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with the Goodyear blimp.
The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.
Chuck Norris can make a slow cooker grill a steak
Chuck Norris can clog the toilet.... even with his piss.
Chuck Norris can perform a full frontal lobotomy through fear.
Chuck Norris can sharpen a pencil by sticking it into his ear.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris lives in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine. Yellow submarine.
Chuck Norris wore a thong bikini once to see if anyone would laugh. CHUCK NORRIS 1 , CAVEMEN 0. anymore smartasses ?
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the snot out elephants & hangs them on the ceiling for birthday party decorations.
Willy Wonka ran sewage treatment plant until Chuck Norris pissed in it.
Chuck Norris can punch you so hard that time moves backwards.
Learn to spell & your jokes are shit. Chuck Norris deserves more than this.
Chuck Norris can tug on Superman's cape. Chuck Norris can spit into the wind. Chuck Norris can pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and he can mess around with Jim.
Chuck Norris once peed in a semi trucks gas tank as a joke.. the semi is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can cut down an Oak tree with a steak knife.
Michael Jackson didn't have a rare skin disease.... Chuck Norris beat the black outa him.. ..at Michael's request. The injuries were so severe it required several years of intense surgery.
Don't worry about Chuck Norris' carbon footprint. His physical bootprints have destroyed the earth irrepairably as it is.
Chuck Norris has a fire crotch. Really, there is fire down there. His deadly Roundhouse is a result of him trying to put out the blaze.
Chuck Norris invented KFC's 11 herbs and spices, but people did not know about the 12th ingredient:FEAR
Chuck Norris once beat a mountain in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno card.
Inspired by Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Chuck Norris always keeps two spring-out M16s up the sleeves of his jackets.
Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your ass unless you submit a Chuck Norris fact.
A black hole singularity is actually the end result of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris doesn't need "get out of jail free" cards in Monopoly because no cop is fool enough to arrest Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris thinks ping-pong is a sissy game. That's why he invented Oklahoma-pong which is alot like ping-pong except it's played with a cannonball & a manhole cover.
Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum he chews diamonds
The topsoil in Chuck Norris' front yard is 40 percent human teeth.
I think, therefor, Chuck Norris let me exist
A Handicap Parking Sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you are soon to be handicapped if you dare to park there.
Chuck Norris once gave a pregame speech so compelling, both teams won.
A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard
Chuck Norris can wheelie on a unicycle. While sitting on a park bench. On Jupiter. And at the same time, he's defeating Red with a Frillish.
Chuck Norris can conect parallel lines
Chuck Norris can walk on water. With his hands
Santa Claus attaches his sleigh to Chuck Norris's jumping side kick.
Chuck Norris suffers from a severe case of Stickittodamaneosis.
Chuck Norris can faithfully reproduce Beethoven's Ninth using a jug, washboard, harmonica, and a pair of spoons.
Chuck Norris has clocked both "FarmVille" and "Mafia Wars" on Facebook, and his WOW avatar is a level 10000 AH-64 Apache.
Parties at the home of Chuck Norris make the ones at the Playboy Mansion seem like senior citizen afternoon teas by comparison.
Chuck Norris' one & only time of weakness occurred when he recieved a Sarah Palin rim job.
Muammar Gaddafi's troops started to defect when Libyan state television began their Chuck Norris-month.
Chuck Norris eats out only at buffet's. this is because no one serves Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris can make you evacuate your bowels with a high five.
Chuck Norris once gave Mike Tyson a black eye.
Vampires walk at night not because of the sun, but becuase Chuck Norris walks in the day.
Someone once asked Chuck Norris "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" He answered the question by punching himself in the face
Chuck Norris not only kicks ass and takes names, he kills people and collects their souls.
On NFL Sundays, Chuck Norris has his beer & chicken tailgate parties catered by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A.
Surprisingly, the only Street Fighter II move based on one of Chuck Norris' was Chun-Li's. Chuck Norris prefers to travel by performing four upside-down double-roundhouse kicks per second.
Chuck Norris is so much if a man that he sees everybody as a woman
Chuck Norris invented Breeding so that he could Roundhouse Kick Newborns.... Twice
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step... and of course can be ended with a single brutal Chuck Norris spinning snap kick to the side of the face. So think about that.
When Chuck Norris gets the runs, he backs up the local sewage plant.
Chuck Norris graduated college with a degree in Chuck Norris!
The bible was originally tittled "Chuck Norris and Freinds."
Since 1972, the funeral home industry has given Chuck Norris 1% of their net profit as a gesture of thanks. That "thank you" amount hit $100 billion last year.
Those movies when monsters attack tokyo are fake. Its just a documentery about when Chuck Norris lets his pets play outside
Never brag to Chuck Norris that you have the latest smart phone, he will roundhouse kick you in the face and tell you "there is no app for that"
Chuck Norris can climb Everest from top to bottom.
As an acne-encrusted teenager, Chuck Norris would kill any threat by pointing a blackhead at his quarry and squeezing.
Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with Rambo, that is why Sylvester Stallone looks mildly retarded
Chuck Norris knows the last number in Pie
Chuck Norris. A man whose face alone is terrifying enough to make your chest hair commit suicide.
Chuck Norris doesnt flush his toilet, he scares the shit out of it.
Real SAT Question: 195. Krypotnite is to Superman as _______ is to Chuck Norris. Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once killed a man by throwing a suggestion at him!
Chuck Norris is the 'n' in 'nth degree'.
After Chuck Norris uses his beard to unscramble eggs, it's impossible for anybody other than Chuck Norris to scramble them again.
Chuck Norris has never struck out in Baseball. He simply stares at the ball, and it gets out of his way.
The One ring from LOTR is an undigested cheerio that Chuck Norris had for breakfast.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot.
Chuck Norris can make pigs fly......and tap dance on clouds
When Chuck Norris kicks air, someone still gets hurt.
Chuck Norris is so awesome when he touches your house it burns down.
The stock market monitors Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can drink you under the table. He will then smash the table over your head.
Gold is worth its weight in Chuck Norris
If you seriously start thinking about how awesome it must be to be Chuck Norris, you will burst into flames.
Some kid:CHUCK NORRIS SUCKS!!! *Knock Knock* kids dad: Hang on someones at the door *opens door* Chuck Norris.
If you EVER ask for medium-rare in Chuck Norrs' presence, Chuck Norris will go raw on you.
Chuck Norris keeps orphanages in buisness
Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris once clogged a city's main sewage line, after dropping a colossal deuce.
Chuck Norris doesn't drink often. But when he does, he prefers to kick 'the most interesting man in the word' in the ass & take his Dos Equis.
Elmo was originally blue and had a deep voice. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him 4 times. The last kick changed his voice.
Believe it or not, CHUCK NORRIS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Anything Chuck Norris could do, The Great and Powerful Trixie can do better!
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
Chuck Norris' Doctor is in the hospital. Things went downhill fast when he explained to Chuck what he was gonna do in order to conduct a prostate exam.
Chuck Norris once threw a knife into Heaven.
The universe is always expanding- all of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats Spicy Chicken Crunchwraps, made with live chickens.
Chuck Norris extracts snot from his nose with a toilet bowl plunger.
If you ever catch your kid watching a Chuck Norris movie, check him the next day for beard stubble.
As Chuck Norris' biggest fan once put it, "There's a certain poetic quality to my killing sprees."
I KILLED CHUCK NORRIS! lol just kidding, Chuck Norris killed me.
Chuck Norris uses a Glock as a PEZ dispenser.
Chuck Norris can hit a giant meteor 1000 times bigger than jupiter out of the Universe with a toothpick.
To fulfill his daily requirement of dietary fiber, Chuck Norris starts his mornings off with a big bowl of rusty fish hooks.
Time waits for no one, except for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris likes to force-feed Navy SEALs fish.
Chuck Norris and Rick Perry were driving through Texas on a beer dinking binge. And Rick Perry threw a lit cigarette butt out the window.
In WWII, the U.S. Army wanted to name their tank the Chuck Norris Tank. Chuck said it was not badass enough to be named after him. We know it now as the Sherman Tank.
Chuck Norris created the All-Spark.
MUGEN's several depictions of Chuck Norris are actually based on strands of Chuck Norris's beard.
Chuck Norris uses barbwire as dental floss.
Once, while driving his Hummer on the way to KFC, Chuck Norris ran a stop sign...up Steven Seagal's ass.
Chuck Norris can fly upside down in a jet pack.
Chuck Norris does not face the music. The music faces Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris gave Dr. House that limp. Needless to say, he was extremely lucky.
The big bang theory: Chuck Norris winning a arm wrestle with godd
Chuck Norris had to take over on the 7th day of creating whilst God was resting.
Chuck Norris makes Saudia Arabia sell him gasoline for 3 cents per gallon. Then at the end of each month they rebate him at the rate of $100 per gallon purchased.
When biologists sequenced Chuck Norris's DNA, the only letters found were F and U.
Brain dead zombies are smart enough to stay the hell away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
Jesus wears a bracelet that says wwcnd (what would Chuck Norris do?)
Chuck Norris can drink his cigarettes and smoke his beer.
Chuck Norris's pet Hamster has a ferris wheel.
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the man who shot Liberty Vallance.
Chuckeroo = Chuck Norris spam.
When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders Valadi Roast, but he only eats its dampers.
A kid once had test. Not knowing what to do, the kid wrote "Chuck Norris" for every answer. He got a perfect score, but Chuck Norris came and roundhouse kicked him for using his name in vain.
Sometimes it's hard to see Chuck Norris for all the steam rising from his 'nads.
Chuck Norris uses a live Tasmanian Devil to shine his boots.
J. Wellington Wimpy did pay Chuck Norris back on Tuesday for a hamburger eaten that day.
Chuck Norris is an asshole. By saying that my life will end in three sec
Micheal Jackson died on June 25, 2009, what investigators did not know was that Chuck Norris was walking down the street 3 minutes after MJ's death.
Everyone is entitled to Chuck Norris' opinion...or a roundhouse kick to the jaw.
When there is a thunderstorm and you see lightning, Chuck Norris follows it with by clapping his hands, causing thunder. There is no Mother Nature, only Chuck Nature.
Chuck Norris can squeeze carviar out of a lemon.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck NORRIS
Duke Nukem was based on Chuck Norris.
Clearly, Chuck Norris has more bad-assedness in his beard than all of the other Expendables combined and squared.
Every Easter, Chuck Norris like to celebrate by using his powers as a necromancer to resurrect Jesus Christ, then immediately roundhouse kick him to death again.
Chuck Norris does not need a remote, he just tells the TV what channel and volume he wants.
Chuck Norris knows who the fuck is Alice.
Chuck Norris can kill a Shaolin Grandmaster with an Icecream.
Chuck Norris never gets 'angry'. He gets nukey.
Chuck Norris once extinguished a veld fire using just a flamethrower, only Chuck Norris can fight fire with fire.
It was once called Bad Friday. Then Chuck Norris promised to stay at home for one Friday every year.
Chuck Norris knew the ending of Star Trek, Star Trek Generations, Star Trek Enterprise, and the Star Trek Movie before it became an idea.
Chuck Norris is so bad-ass, he single-handedly transformed The Expendables 2 from R to PG-13.
Chuck Norris uses crab legs for toilet paper.
NASA ended the space shuttle program when they discovered it'd be easier and cheaper to have Chuck Norris launch astronauts into space.
Chuck Norris has the directions to Sesame Street in his GPS, but refuses to tell anyone.
Chuck Norris drinks 5 hour energy drinks to help him relax.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
When Chuck Norris swims with sharks, it is the sharks that wear chain-mail suits.
Chuck Norris is so fast he can punch himself in the back the head
Chuck Norris tracked down the most boring man in the world, punched him in the face, then ordered him to grow a beard and become an alcoholic.
Chuck Norris makes Uncle Sam look like a goddamn chinaman.
Choose life. Before Chuck Norris kills you.
Chuck Norris did not learn French. He invented French.
Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Christmas, Christmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays scrabble, hjdldudhqe IS a real word
21 December 2012 was to be the day the Mayans predicted somebody would tell Chuck Norris that he's not so cool after all.
On May 3, 1999, Chuck Norris was looking on a map for the quickest route to Oklahoma City and drew a path across Moore, OK with his finger. Moore was destroyed. He did it again on May 20, 2013.
Chuck Norris is the reason Jehovah needed a witness.
Chuck Norris can achieve full bone in under four seconds.
Chuck Norris played Doom in the Nightmare level, without being hit. All of them.
Today is Chuck Norris' Yesterday
Chuck Norris started shaving at six months
A Chuck Norris stare can turn a Swan into an ugly duckling.
For the 37th straight year, Chuck Norris has won the Iditarod sled race in Alaska while pulling his sled loaded with 12 dogs, 500 lbs of supplies and while towing a dead elephant and a Budweiser semi tractor trailer loaded with beer.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Chuck Norris's tears? More people believe in Santa Claus.
Chuck Norris doesn't think-HE KNOWS.
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off
Chuck Norris gets 10 hours of sleep every night between midnight and 4 a.m.
Chuck Norris is responsible for the dark matter of the universe. It is made up of the atoms of everything he's killed or destroyed.
Freddy Kruger is afraid to dream because that is when Chuck Norris will kill him.
Chuck Norris was aboard the Costa Concordia. When it sank, Chuck Norris inflated his beard and swam away with 427 grateful passengers.
Chuck Norris is the greatest golfer in the world. He once made a hole in zero.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the face so hard that the man's eyeballs protruded from his asshole. This malady was diagnosed by emergency room personnel as a new medical condition known as 'Optical Rectumitis'.
Babies cry when they are born because they know they are in a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a man so hard, he turned into a gorilla!
A guy at the grocery store told Chuck Norris "I think I may just cut in front of you in this line". Chuck told him "I think I may just punch your nose out the back of your skull'.
Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became Spider-Man. Clark Kent was bitten by Chuck Norris and became Superman. So every time Clark Kent wants to become Superman, he just go to the phone booth and beg Chuck Norris to bite him.
Flash the superhero tried running from Chuck Norris.....he didnt get far
There is no such thing as a Chuck Norris joke, only facts.
When Chuck Norris leads a horse to water, it drinks.
Chuck Norris was stranded on an island and survived by eating fish hooks. Chuck told his rescuer "they weren't very tasty but they filled me up".
Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.
Chuck Norris is so cool, ice cubes want to be exactly like him.
It wasn't the North Star the Three Wise Men were following it was Chuck Norris' aura.
You hear of whales beaching themselves, you just know Chuck Norris is fuckin' shit up under the sea.
Leonardo Dicaprio has recurring dreams where Chuck Norris pummels the shit outta him after folding the city in half. Then he wakes up in terror, covered in sweat and with a beard rash on the back of his neck.
Superman has a Chuck Norris tattoo.
Charlie Sheen is Chuck Norris' lovechild.
Chuck Norris was asked his opinion of the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. Chuck said all of them are about as useless as zombie puke.
The song "Final Countdown" is about a man's last second after being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff. And he shot the deputy.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
Chuck Norris took Amy Winehouse to rehab
Chuck Norris is the man that shot Liberty Valance and JR
Chuck Norris is actually a sensitive, caring lover... because he knows that if he doesn't kill you immediately after, you will be in constant agony knowing you will NEVER have it better.
Long ago, Jesus turned water into wine, but then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris uses Wikileaks as a Recycle bin
Chuck Norris was the only person to ever shoot at Wyatt Earp and not miss. Many Bothans died to bring you this information.
Chuck Norris can sent packages through email
Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.
Chuck Norris can kill you fifteen times before you even realize you crossed his property line.
Death died of Chuck Norris causes.
Crack gets high off of Chuck Norris.
I know where Chuck Norris is. Chuck Norris knows where I live too, WERE EVEN!
Chuck Norris can kill a werewolf with a wooden stake, a vampire with a silver bullet, and anything with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris regularly beats buskers to death with their own guitars.
Chuck Norris once needed hemorrhoid surgery. After breaking 2 sets of bolt cutters and a chainsaw, doctors had to deploy 2 bunker blaster bombs and an acetylene torch to adequately complete the surgery.
They say laughter is the greatest medicine i disagree Chuck Norris is
Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' nut is macadamia flavored.
Chuck Norris is Hugh Hefner's landlord. And he conducts random inspections.
Chuck Norris made his first kill when he was 30 seconds old. The victim, the doctor that spanked his ass. He took his umbilical cord and choked him out.
The F1 button on Chuck Norris' computer works.
Chuck Norris once hijacked a frieght train and drove it to a Home Depot.
Particle physicists have finally developed a new atom smasher. It is called Chuck Norris's fist.
Ripley ALWAYS believed Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris enjoys some spare time from kicking ass he sits in his tool shed whacking off.
Chuck Norris can take a shower in his closet
God breathed life into Adam. Chuck Norris sneezed life into God.
The only way that Chuck Norris can get high is via Jack Daniels I.V. push TKO.
Chuck Norris onced built a 4 story condo using only a loaf of bread, shoe string, and silly putty.
Cockroaches won't be the sole survivors of nuclear Armageddon...Chuck Norris' beard lice will
If you look closely at the bottom of the XX Beer commercials, you can read the fine print that states they're actually featuring the SECOND Most Interesting Man in the World after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter`s liver. With some fava beans, and a nice keg of beer.
Shit got the Chuck Norris scared out of it..;)
Chuck Norris once rolled a 13 at the craps table.
Chuck Norris once had an alcohol abuse problem. He entered a rehab center and completed the 12 step recovery program in a 1/2 step.
Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the TV show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.
Men fear the Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper fears Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can leave after checking out of The Hotel California.
The only reason Usain Bolt is officially the fastest man is because no one has bothered to clock people who run from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once 'competed' in the World Ultra Heavyweight Boxing Championship. There were no survivors in the stadium. And the tournament.
Chuck Norris uses epoxy resin instead of KY jelly.
Once, when crossing a RR track while riding his horse, Chuck Norris was struck by an Amtrak train. He was the only survivor.
Chuck Norris knew where the stolen Death Star plans were.(and he also knew where that shuttle was going.)
Chuck Norris doesn't cry over spilled milk, because it was his roundhouse kick that split the cow in half.
Yesterday Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn't open. He returned the faulty parachute today and got a full refund on it.
Chuck Norris once shot a man, but without a gun.
Ladies put the toilet seat back up for Chuck Norris.
when Chuck Norris went on to Catch a Predator Chis Hansen was arrested.
Chuck Norris can disembowel a sandstorm with a roundhouse kick.
For Thanksgiving, Chuck Norris roasts his turkey by opening up a small portal to hell.
Only a very few people are capable of water skiing on thier barefeet. Chuck Norris can water ski on his bare face.
Chuck Norris always cut his birthday cake with a chainsaw.
Chuck Norris has a deal: no paparazzi ever take pictures of him or follow him, and he won't murder that TMZ guy with his own big coffee mug.
it was once thought that Chuck Norris never lies, until he said that Chuck Norris facts arent actually true
Chuck Norris can make a message in Cheerios, without using the letter "O."
CHUCK NORRIS once performed a heart transplant BLINDFOLDED
Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizards; hence snakes.
Air cannot be seen because it is hiding from Chuck Norris.
Autumns occur when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks every tree in existence.
Rock band Kiss wrote the song 'King of the Night Time World' about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can knock that chip off your shoulder, dip it salsa and eat it.
A crocodile attacked Chuck Norris while he swam in a Florida river. The same croc was seen at a local veterinarians office the next day attempting to get a set of teeth to replace his, as they were all missing.
Apparently, Chuck Norris was on vacation when Bush was elected president of the United States.
The Most Interesting Man in the world is Bizarro Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' nut sack is so flexible that he can literally put one nut on a golf tee and practice his drives.
When Chuck Norris was first born he heard his dad tell his mom "it's a boy, let's name him Gaylord". Chuck instantly slapped his dad in the back of the head. Chucks dad then said "on second thought, let's name him Chuck".
Chuck Norris can light farts bare assed.
Chuck Norris can create fire by rubbing two ice cubes
Chuck Norris doesn't wilderness survival skills. The wilderness needs Chuck Norris survival skills.
Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack, manly do to the fact that Chuck Norris's heart is not foolish enough to attack, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris pissed out the Golden Gate Bridge at age 7
The bars never go down on Chuck Norris's at&t phone unless those bars want to live.
Chuck Norris can choke you with a cordless phone.
God help the man who disagrees with Chuck Norris. Or not, because God's afraid of him, too.
SpaceX is building the internet in space. Chuck Norris has had Wi-Fi in space since 1985 — it runs on pure intimidation.
Chuck Norris won on last weeks Iron Chef America T.V. show by microwaving two ham & cheese Hotpockets.
What's the definition of beautiful? Whatever Chuck Norris says it is.
Chuck Norris. Thats all im gonna say.
The japanese exclamation "HADOUKEN!!!" means "I CHANNEL SOME OF CHUCK NORRIS' ENERGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" If you say it correctly whilst holding your hands in front of you, you might emit a huge blast of pyrokinetic energy. Or you may just piss Chuck off.
It took Harry Potter 7 books to defeat Voldemort. It only took Chuck Norris 7 words.
There is only one thing that could possibly stop Messi's unstoppable form Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick
Einstein's Theory of Relativity states that nothing can travel faster than light... except Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
Super Villans would terrorize the world but Chuck Norris kills them all. Consequentially Super Heroes are unemployed.
Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris is the greater of two evils.
Ok im back. Chuck Norris was secretly included for Mortal Kombat X. The developers then changed their minds and removed him because 1 hit from Chuck Norris= a fatality.
Superman can stop a bullet with his teeth. Chuck Norris can cause a bullet to implode, before exiting the chamber.
Chuck Norris is the reason ninjas like to be unseen.
Honey badger cares about Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris once lapped his opponent, in a drag race.
Chuck Norris will spin you right round, baby, right round. Like a record, baby, right round round roundhouse.
Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years.........naked
When Chuck Norris moves in next door to you your lawn will die.
Chuck Norris can quitely sneak up on himself
Palaeontologists think the velociraptor had feathers because Chuck Norris said so.
A single death is a tragedy; Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face is a statistic.
Chuck Norris doesnt play by the rules. the rules play by Chuck Norris
a long time ago Chuck Norris kicked the world so hard that its still spinning today.
Chuck Norris does not do drugs. In order to get a buzz he climbs radio station transmition towers during thunderstorms and drinks Redbull & Captain Morgan Rum from a pair of 55 gallon steel drums.
Chuck Norris eats 10 eggs daily.
Chuck Norris offered to be a spokesman for GM. GM turned him down. GM is now bankrupt. That is no coincidence.
Unlike Santa Claus, Chuck Norris doesn't need to check his list twice.
The mystery in the Universe was unlock, but the Universe cannot unlock the mystery of CHUCK NORRIS!
Chuck Norris can squeeze stones out of blood.
Chuck Norris is one badass motherchucker.
A man sitting next to Chuck Norris on a plane started to complain about the lack of room and got on Chuck's nerves. So he stuffed the motherfucker into the overhead storage compartment.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it comes back with a beer.
Chuck Norris's car is fitted with go faster brakes.
Chuck Norris won the $142,000,000 Texas state PowerBall Lottery with a ticket stub from a Texas Rangers baseball game.
Chuck Norris isn't in the army the army's in Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris dies, the rest of the world will die with him.
The original title for Big Hero 6 was Big Chuck Norris 6. The movie was cancelled after going into production becuase nobody would pay 13 dollars to see a 28 second-long movie.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can divide by 0.
If you want to keep people out of your property, the most effective sign you can use is a picture of an angry Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe air, air breathes Chuck Norris's foot.
People ask for the time.. Time asks Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a mattress for refusing to share with him.
Movies and TV shows fail when they do not impress Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not affected by the human condition.
Chuck Norris has to visit the dentist twice a month in order to remove the jawbreakers stuck between his teeth.
No matter how religious you are, you won't be allowed into heaven if the last thing you said before your brutal death was 'I'm not afraid of Chuck Norris'.
Chuck Norris put the laughter in man slaughter.
Chuck Norris favorite cologne is tear-gas.
If you stare at the American flag for long enough, you will se a 3-D image of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris shaves the razor blades get cut.
The spurs on Chuck Norris's boots have a three-ton towing capacity
Silence and peach terrifies Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could get to the 4th level of the Scary Maze Game, because he's not afraid of the Exorcist Girl, The Exorcist Girl is afraid of him.
Not only does Chuck Norris beat you to the punch, he will punch you to the beat.
Chuck Norris wishes you a knuckle sandwich, and a happy throat-punch.
For the first time in 10 years, Chuck Norris is taking a day off. There will be no amazing feats today that can out-do American resolve. (5-2-11)
Chuck Norris has gone green! He just ate the Incredible Hulk.
Once, while staying over at his buddies' house, little Chuck Norris had a pillow fight. There were no survivors, and the house had to be demolished.
Chuck Norris once pissed on an electric fence. This took down the power grid in Texas, Oklahoma, Arizona and parts of southern Utah.
You know why they made super Mario, because Chuck Norris was chasing Mario.
Chuck Norris fired Donald Trump...with a flamethrower.
In Rush Hour, Jackie Chan said that his father caught a bullet with his bare hands. Chuck Norris can catch lasers with his bare hands
Chuck Norris dosent think hes a badass he knows it
Chuck Norris can go to closed stores
Swizerland chose to become neutral in an attempt to always avoid pissing off Chuck Norris.
When the mother of Chuck Norris was pregnant she could feel him moving in her stomache. Little did she know, he was perfecting his Round House Kick.
Chuck Norris can consume an entire 25-piece bucket of KFC in under a minute.
Chuck Norris is so hard that he mows the lawn with his teeth.
Chuck Norris REALLY went back to the future.
Chuck Norris' favorite Texas Chinese restaurant always serves him Snake Egg Drop Soup, Armadillo Fried Rice, Scorpion Rangoon, Moo Goo Gai Moose & Hunan Jack Rabbit.
Chuck Norris can bake cookies...in the freezer.
Chuck Norris' shadow follows him from a safe distance.
Celebrities die in threes because for Chuck Norris, killing one celebrity is never enough.
Chuck Norris can crush a beer can with his calf muscles.
Originally, the movie Alien vs Predator was called Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was canceled because no one wanted to see a movie that is 30 seconds long.
When Chuck Norris goes for a physical, the doctor is too afraid to get close enough for an examination, so he only examines him from afar, grading him on his overall physical appearance, which of course, is always perfect.
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Mike Tyson, permanently damaging the "social" and "speech" parts of the brain. This is why Mike Tython talkth like thith and has an Antithocial Perthonality Dithorder.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself....... Cos roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris is bad for your health.
Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Queen Elizabeth.
Chuck Norris turned my pepsi into coke....I drank it for my own safety
God is just a fake name Chuck Norris uses.
Chuck Norris was recently given 5 gallons of Propofol. He blinked twice.
All science students maybe aware about the fact that picochuck is the unit of manliness in the International System of Units (SI). An average man measures about 0.00073 pc. Chuck Norris measures 39,372 petachucks.
A reporter once referred to Chuck Norris as a 'God-fearing patriot'. Upon reading the article, Chuck Norris immediately sprinted to the fucker's bomb shelter and turned him into hummous. Chuck Norris fears nothing.
Chuck Norris' beard is actually made out of liquid metal. He can instantly stab you with it.
Chuck Norris know's Victoria's Secret.
Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Chuck Norris will kill you if you don't bow down and weep for him every time his name is mentioned.
Chuck Norris never goes to Burger King for a burger. Instead, he stops by a farm and bites a colossal chunk out of the side of a cow.
Chuck Norris' organ donor card also includes his beard.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving and his parachute failed to open. So the next day he returned it for a refund.
R.I.P. Tarzan..Jane Killed him for Chuck Norris
In 2014 Chuck Norris will launch his own fragrance, Dojo Mojo, which smells of denim and justice.
The rule about never looking directly at the sun applies to looking into Chuck Norris' eyes as well.
The world is supposed to end in 2012. Chuck Norris must be retiring.
There was never any lightning, Chuck Norris was just using his cattle prod.
Chuck Norris always gives you one phone call. Heh.
All medieval countries translated Chuck Norris' name the same: Bubonic.
When Batman's in trouble, he uses the Chuck Norris symbol.
Someone once put Chuck Norris on hold, that's where the term "Choke Hold" comes from.
Max Headroom is the result of Chuck Norris kicking Duke Nukem's ass.
Chuck Norris invented time travel. He's roundhouse kicked 170,000 people into next week thus far.
Mick Jagger: "oh you can't always get what you waaaannt." Chuck Norris "Yes I can."
Chuck Norris stomped on King Kong. After that, King Kong became Alvin Seville.
Chuck Norris has never plugged a toilet. They're afraid of what will happen if they don't take his Shit.
Chuck Norris was deep in the Amazon Jungle when 3 head hunters came sneaking up behind him. When they realized it was Chuck Norris, all 3 threw down their spears and ran screaming into the jungle.
Chuck Norris recently guested on Hardcore Pawn, where he sold some pocket lint for 8.5 million dollars. Then he brutally roundhose kicked the owner for not actually having any porn.
Chuck Norris recently announced he was going to give away Mark Zuckerberg.
Chuck Norris can hold his breath while he sneezes.
Elon Musk renamed Twitter to X. Chuck Norris renamed it 'be careful what you post.'
Some people go their whole lives never realizing they are but a figment of Chuck Norris' imagination.
Chuck Norris is what nightmares have nightmares about.
Chuck Norris was born on March 10, 1940. I am yet to find evidence of famous deaths that occurred the next day. How strange.
Chuck Norris never gets a flu shot. The flu virus would die a horrible, screaming death if it ever tried to invade Chuck Norris.
The Terminator has a Chuck Norris tattoo.
Chuck Norris was featured in an episode of Deadliest Warrior, winning all 1000 simulated battles. His opponent was the USS Nimitz.
Once a mosquito bit Chuck Norris and died instantly of acute cyanide poisoning.
In ancient Rome, Chuck Norris would have laughed while being thrown to the lions.
Chuck Norris does not smoke cigarettes. He smokes people.
Chuck Norris can make a metal spoon melt in hot chocolate.
Q: Which is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was supposed to guest star on the Walking Dead but had to be cancelled. The walkers would not stop running from Chuck.
Chuck Norris won a staring competition with a mirror.
Chuck Norris could drop kick you thru the telephone on an international long distance call, reverse the charges and you would accept them.
When Chuck Norris hits it, he don't quit it until whatever it is dies.
Usain Bolt once ran against Chuck Norris in a 40 yard dash. Bolt had a 20 yard head start. Chuck Norris won by 5 yards.
"Chuck Norris doesnt have to shave, his beard shaves itself."
Chuck Norris puts mustard gas on his hotdogs.
Chuck Norris once beat Bobby Fischer at chess in a single move. That move was a roundhouse kick. That's why Fisher went crazy and died at the same age as the squares on a chessboard.
Kings, Queens and twins sleep on Chuck Norris sized beds. However, Chuck Norris sleeps ontop of a 14 story bunk bed.
Chuck Norris brings Jumanji to board game parties.
The reason Neo was the one was because Chuck Norris was on vacation.
Chuck Norris doesn't want to steal One Direction's girl. he has standards
Chuck Norris, unlike Santa Clause, gives you a gift every day of the year. His gift is not roundhouse kicking you in the face.
The chicken crossed the road because of fear. Chuck Norris was behind him.
This Chuck Norris infant picture was sold to People magazine for $54 billions.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
It takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
Chuck Norris farted once... and then there was the great Rift Valley
Chuck Norris' kindergarten has land-mines in the sandpit.
Chuck Norris always finds an extra 5 pairs of socks in his clothes dyer.
Chuck Norris can decapitate you by throwing his cowboy hat.
Chuck Norris can tap dance though a mine field...wearing clown shoes
The idea for steel toe boots came from Chuck Norris' bare feet
Chuck Norris had a staring contest with the sky, it fell.
Medusa's hair is made of snakes. Chuck Norris's beard is made of hair-colored barbed wire. Medusa can turn you into stone by staring at you. Chuck Norris doesn't have to look at you to turn you into pulp.
Chuck Norris once told me he went back in time and ended John whosits' reign of terror, when I asked "who?" he said exactly! (can tell im bored?)
even Chuck Norris can't finished GTA5 online
they once made Chuck Norris toilit paper but there was a problem Chuck Norris doesnt take crap
Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena, and he still had honks he's a bitch.
Chuck Norris recently died. But he got better.
The Terminator said "I'll be back" He meant to say " I'll be back with Chuck Norris"
If you see Chuck Norris kick someone out of a window, you just know he's gonna land on a conveniently-placed spike.
Chuck Norris can turn "Crazy Eights" into a full-contact event.
Chewbacca was inspired by the time Chuck Norris attended a Hollywood party in the mid-70's wearing only a bullet belt.
Chuck Norris understood Inception the first time he saw it.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris owns 42 different birth certificates from all over the world.
Chuck Norris occasionally wears trunks with a rainbow across the crotch. Why? Because he wants you to picture how badly he could kill you if you said something about it.
Chuck Norris plays bingo with a paint ball gun.
Chuck Norris killed godzilla in his dream
Chuck Norris usually opts for the 2pt conversion, but asks that the ball be spotted on the 50 yard line.
Trick me once, shame on you, trick Chuck Norris.....rest in peace.
One day Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a building killing thousands of people while drinking a diet coke on a sunny day.
Mona Lisa was smiling that way because she knew Chuck Norris was going to sneak up behind Da Vinci and snap his neck once he finished.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your skeleton out of your body and wear your skin as a costume just before he goes on his daily five o'clock killing spree.
The Chuck Norris commandments: Thou shalt have no other master than Chuck Norris. (Chuck 1:1)
Chuck Norris' rage boils at room temperature.
When Chuck Norris showers he doesn't use soap he uses Aromatic Sulfuric Acid.
Chuck Norris never pays the ferryman.
The reason Rush Limbaugh got addicted to OxyContin pain pills is because he tried to beat the hell out of Chuck Norris' boots with his face.
King Kong was the pet of Chuck Norris
The owl knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a toostie-roll-pop. Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a 5,000 pound boulder. Both take 3, only because Chuck was savoring the flavor.
Chuck Norris facts started in 1930, 10 years before Chuck Norris was born...
When someone names a list of people, it goes like this: Mary, James, Shawn... etc, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris always comes after etc, since no one comes after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once beat John Wayne in a armwrestling match. But, that was when he was 1 and a half.
When Chuck Norris looks up, then down, left and right, then jumps, crouches, and punches the air three times, a gatling gun appears in hands out of nowhere.
Chuck Norris punched a policeman in the face. The judge later charged the officer with head butting Chuck Norris' fist.
Elon Musk built Grok to be the smartest AI on Earth. Grok's first words were: 'I'm sorry, I cannot answer that — Chuck Norris is watching.'
Chuck Norris has bagged a shit load of oscars, and that's from cameo roles alone.
When Chuck Norris kidnaps mobsters, he puts them inside the trunk of his motorcycle.
Chuck Norris' appendix has burst at least 15 times, but Chuck don't give a fuck.
Chuck Norris can head-butt a cannonball back into the cannon it was fired from. Without blinking.
If you look directly at Chuck Norris you will go blind and loose your will to live.
Chuck Norris never needs to pay for something, things appear from nothing for him.
Bruce Springsteen was "born to run"... away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris applied for work at Denny's just so he could give the patrons a morning SlamFest.
Chuck Norris won the showcase on The Price Is Right even after bidding over the actual retail price.
If you ever dare speak aloud the blasphemy 'chickidee china, de chinese Chuck Norris', you will burst into flames.
If there was a game about Chuck Norris you'd be scared to play it because every time you'd open it up it would roundhouse kick you in the balls.
Surprising Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, only slaughters.
When Chuck Norris was 8, he and his friend, Freddy both got pets. Freddy got a hamster and Chuck got a Tasmanian Devil.
Chuck Norris killed a fat guy with a poisened candy bar. and yes u r stupid for not thinking of that.
Chuck Norris never has to rake leaves off his lawn. No tree that wants to continue to live dares shed its leaves on the property of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need contact lenses. He'll just shoot two woks.
In high school, Chuck Norris struck out 27 batters using only 15 pitches.
Chuck Norris can step on a land mine and it won't detonate, out of sheer respect.
Most people call in bomb threats. Chuck Norris calls in himself threats. And gets away with it.
Chuck Norris died Years ago death was to scared to tell him
The only time Chuck Norris ever made a mistake was when he was writing about killing a squadron of ninjas. As he was writing that he 'owned' them, his finger slipped and wrote 'pwned' instead. It immediately became an official, widely-used term.
If you look at your birth certificate it says Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris would have built Rome in less than a day.
Bob the Builder. Can we fix it. Chuck Norris already did. With a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris recently composed an orchestral concerto during a drunken rage.
The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't brutally beaten George Lucas to death is because he still wars the beard.
The world used to be round o that when people go to the bottom of the Earth they fall off but then Chuck Norris stepped on a globe and its all flat and so it the world THANK YOU,CHUCK!
Michael Phelps currently holds the record for most Olympic gold medals in a single Games with 8. That record will be broken in 2012, when Chuck Norris wins 22.
When Chuck Norris first went into space in the late 50's, they had to add extra rockets just to account for the combined testicular mass.
One time in school, I forgot to prepare a graded presentation, so I just stood in front of the class and said "Chuck Norris". I got an 'A'.
Of course Chuck Norris is banging Sarah Palin.
When playing Minecraft, make a new world with the name and seed both being "Chuck Norris". Even on peaceful, you will be surrounded by 1,000,000 endermen when at the spawn.
Chuck Norris was asked to be on the show, 'Swamp People' but he was soon fired off the show after thousands of alligators were killed during only 1 episode.
Chuck Norris can speak hundreds of languages, but the four he mainly uses are English, Profanity, Sarcasm and Real Shit.
Chuck Norris doesn't pedal a bike. He roundhouse-kicks one of the pedals to go a mile.
This year, Chuck Norris has given up strangle holds and uppercuts for Lent.
Chuck Norris divided to infinity equals to infinity!
It takes a team of groundskeepers three days to shave the entire surface area of Chuck Norris' balls.
Chuck Norris doesn't take an arrow to the knee, he takes his knee to the arrow
It's not that Chuck Norris is Bullet Proof, it's that Bullets aren't Chuck Norris Proof
if the mouse will play when the cat is away,, the cat will fly when Chuck Norris is in the house
Chuck Norris said "Go fuck yourself" and you did...
If Chuck Norris coughs on you, you owe him 50 bucks.
Of course Chuck Norris screwed Madonna.
When Chuck Norris tells you a joke, your sides will literally split. That's why he stands back a bit when he tells it, so nothing splashes onto his boots.
If Chuck Norris eats anything with the color green, he will shit a billion dollars.
The leading cause of ninja death is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has enough meat in his pants to feed 17 million starving ninjas.
When Chuck Norris found out what the lyrics to his favourite song, 'Take A Walk On The Wild Side', were really about, he hunted down Lou Reed and broke four of his ribs.
Movies that suck never feature Chuck Norris.
If you roundhouse kick Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will say: "Congratulations. You are my Roundhouse Kick buddy!" If i were a Roundhouse Kick Buddy i would go crazy! XD
Police officers do not wear protective vests because of guns on the streets, but because they erroneously believe that if they pull Chuck Norris over for anything it will stop him from handing them their spleen.
Deccember 23, 2012 is not the end of the world. It is either the day Chuck Norris dies or become president.
Little known fact: Chuck Norris deviginized Mary LONG before Joseph ever met her.
Chuck Norris is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Chuck Norris' pet hamster just gave birth to twin tarantulas.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
When bored and just for shits and giggles, Chuck Norris likes to walk around skid row with hundred dollar bills hanging out of his pockets.
The Dos Equis guy was cloned from a piece of Chuck Norris's ass
Chuck Norris was attacked by a vicious pit bull and it ended up with a trip to the hospital. The Vet at the Animall Hospital said there was a 20% chance the pit bull would pull through.
Chuck Norris is the best American Sniper by far. He once made an 1,800 yard kill shot in the mountains of Afghanistan using only his trusty Donald Duck PEZ dispenser.
Fort Knox wanted to store gold in Chuck Norris' beard - but Chuck Norris' beard makes gold rust.
How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a lightball? Nobody has ever asked him that and I suggest you keep quiet as well.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris receives billion-dollar royalty cheques from the World Bank monthly for his cameo role in 'Dodgeball'.
Blackholes are Chuck Norris' way of playing pranks on scientists.
Chuck Norris once carved a big 'CN' on Zorro's forehead.
At the end of a rainbow there is no pot of gold, it's Chuck Norris' cornhole.
Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.
Chuch Norris doesn't breathe air- air breathes Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the unjust subject of a memetic internet sensation.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can lock a drawer with the key still inside it.
Chuck Norris can win the Olympics by just watching it.
When Chuck Norris holds a staff meeting, he is the only one there
Chuck Norris sleeps with anite lite, he is not afraid of the dark, it's afraid of him.
It has been rumored that the previous North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-il actually died shortly after calling Chuck Norris an "Amelican Plick"
Robocops' four prime directives: 1-Serve the public trust. 2-Protect the innocent. 3-Uphold the law. 4-Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' grandfather presented him with an alarm clock on his 7th birthday. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked and broke the clock into a million pieces. Nothing alarms Chuck Norris. Btw Chuck Norris' grandfather is also Chuck Norris.
If you hate software in school, you should try Chuck Norris' software.
Chuck Norris loves making cocaine snow angels on the floors of his castles.
Chuck Norris plugged the oil spill in the gulf of Mexico with the CEO of BP.
There was once a contest for the most epic person in the world. Chuck Norris signed up. He got -678324567th place. He won, by the way.
As a child, Chuck Norris once killed a pediatrician with a tongue depressor.
Once upon a time Chuck Norris took a swim in the oceans, ever since it has remained salty from Chuck Norris' sweat.
Chuck Norris smacked the bejesus out of Bejesus. That's why he is currently known as simply Jesus.
Chuck Norris cuts a knife in two pieces, with a chunk of bread
After his wedding, Chuck Norris sent "You're Welcome" cards to all of his guests.
Chuck Norris can make a cat land on its back.
I, Fabio Lanzoni, am Chuck Norris' youngest son.
To Chuck Norris, rules and necks exist for the same reason; to be broken.
Can God create a rock so heavy he himself cannot lift? Yes, he created Chuck Norris.
the answer to the question whick goes first chicken or egg, the answer is CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris once had he's own teit paper only problem it didn't take any shit
Chuck Norris can rip your skull out and then kill you. Impossible? Heh, you'll be screaming that when it happens to you.
Villagers used to tremble with fear when they heard Atilla the Hun was coming. Atilla the Hun shit his pants when he heard Chuck Norris was coming!
Chuck Norris won the New York Marathon while steaming some crab legs in Austin, TX
Chuck Norris made a new religion painism where you go to church and he round house kicks for an hour
Earth doesn't tell to Chuck Norris when the Earth dies, Chuck Norris tells the Earth.
Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris can get road rage in a fighter jet.
Chuck Norris is friends with Sonic The Hedgehog. They race often, too. Unsurprisingly, Sonic loses every time he doesn't cheat.
Chuck Norris could bend Uri Geller with his mind. But he would prefer to brutally roundhouse kick him in the face if he ever comes back to America.
If you spell "Chuck Norris" while playing Scrabble - you win. Forever.
Someone ask Chuck Norris waht kind of music he listened to. You fool he answered I don't listen to music music listens to me. He then proceeded with a roundhouse kick to the face while the National Anthem listned in the background.
Chuck Norris' birth certificate is a piece of lambskin with the words 'IT HAS BEGUN' written in blood.
Chuck Norris doesn't go places, places go to Chuck Norris
If Michael Jackson can moonwalk, Chuck Norris can run on the sun.
Chuck Norris washes his dishes with an angle-grinder.
CHuck Norris doesn't smoke crack. He cracks smoke.
Schrodinger's Cat is simultaneously dead and alive only when Chuck Norris is not around. Otherwise is only dead.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade, killed 50 pople, then the grenade exploded.
The surest cure for constipation is to hang a picture of Chuck Norris in the lavatory, for Chuck Norris scares the crap out of all living things.
Chuck Norris once took a test called the S.T.A.N.D. he got pissed before he got to the tenth question and roundhoused it.... it is now known as the S.A.T.
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding. He also once threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people... then it exploded. Q: What is the last thing that goes through Chuck Norris' Victim's minds? A: His foot!
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live
If you see Chuck Norris and your heart stops, you're one of the lucky ones.
On rare occasion, Chuck Norris will allow a woman to give him a hickey. But then, only on his hemorrhoids.
Chuck Norris was featured on wheel of fortune all people did for the past 30 minutes was stare at a wheel not stopping
Area 51 is owned by Chuck Norris. So are Areas 1-50.
Chuck Norris teaches new tricks to old dogs and has made a leopard change it's spots.
Chuck Norris' fairy godparents do not use "Da Rules book". He can wish for anything he wants no matter if its bad or not.
Little known fact: Chuck Norris shot J.R. after he killed him with a spectacular roundhouse kick to the forehead.
Paul McCartney eats a vegan diet all the time -- except when he eats in the presence of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can quick scope with akimbo interventions on MW2
Chuck Norris always flips the script. That's the only reason why he doesn't get more movie roles.
There is no such thing as gravity, Chuck Norris once said "you must stay on the ground" and everyone has been to scared to find out what would happen if they didnt't.
Chuck Norris once composed an unfunny Chuck Norris fact. No one laughed. He killed everyone. You are reading that fact now.
Chuck Norris won on the 'America's Got Talent' show when he roasted a whole moose on a Hibachi grill.
For every foot that comes packed with force, fear, pain and suffering, that foot is connected to a leg, and that leg, with muscles like steel, is bound forever strong to a creature known as Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris wants to get naked in a hurry (ie: often), he simply flexes and his clothes explode off.
Chuck Norris killed Bin Laden before the SEALs got there
Chuck Norris can skeletonize a cow in under two minutes.
When Chuck Norris gets the munchies, God help any 7-11
Just one Spinning Backfist Punch by Chuck Norris will make your liver quiver and your spleen scream.
In carpentry there's a saying: "Measure twice, cut once." Chuck Norris has a similar saying: "Fuck measurements, let's rock."
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kneecap you just by simply poking you in the eyes.
Chuck Norris does not need hair dye, he scares it back to it's original color
The Chuck Norris family once had a weiner roast in what was formally called the Mojave Forrest.
Chuck Norris once threw a 98 yard touchdown pass to defeat the Chicago Cubs, 6 to 0.
Chuck Norris does not have a shadow... nobody follows Chuck Norris around
When Chuck Norris was born his Dr did the customary slap on the ass. Chuck didnt appreciate this so he punched the Dr in the balls.
Chuck Norris can play rock-paper-scissors in a mirror - and win.
Chuck Norris once microwaved a bowl of instant oatmeal for Chef Gordon Ramsay who understandably loved it so much that he asked Chuck for the recipe.
Chuck Norris eats coal and shits out diamonds.
The reason why TV shows get interrupted with emergency broadcasts is because Chuck Norris is interrupting the show.
When Chuck Norris dances, he ends droughts.
Slenderman runs from Chuck Norris. Its also the reason why Slenderman has no eyes.....Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked his face.
Chuck Norris has an Erdos number of O.
Chuck Norris' turban can hold a Glock and twelve grenades.
Chuck Norris can bench press an Army tank. While sitting inside of it.
Just saying Chuck Norris' name will put hair on your chest.
When Steve Jobs booted up his first computer, his background was a picture of Chuck Norris taking a bite out of an apple.
Chuck Norris's skateboard has 22" spinning rims.
Chuck Norris once found a nine-leaf clover. He ate it.
Superman has posters of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was asked his opinion on Miley Cyrus. Chuck said he wouldn't give 25 cents for her if her twat was gold plated.
Nun chucks is nun without chucks ... Chuck norris, that is
Just looking at a picture of Chuck Norris makes you more of a man.
Rome wasn't built in a day. But, Chuck Norris did level the city within seconds.
Most folks play badminton with a racquet and a birdy. Chuck Norris plays badminton with a boat oar and a dead chicken.
Chuck Norris doesn't just open a can of whoop ass, he opens a six pack.
the temperature of hell is EXACTLY half that of Chuck Norris's sauna
Chuck Norris knocked a whole forest down by looking at it
It's just a matter of time until an asteroid strikes earth. They are just scared to hit earth until Chuck Norris has died
Once while walking a nature trail, Chuck Norris observed a hornets nest hanging from a tree limb. He knocked it down with a roundhouse kick just for the fun of pulling the stingers out of the ass of each one of 500 pissed off hornets.
Chuck Norris is on a first name basis with noone
Chuck Norris is even better than the real thing.
Chuck Norris was once asked in an interview what he thought about all the Chuck Norris jokes going around. He simply said "They aren't jokes" and went back to drinking his mug of nails.
Chuck Norris was Victoria's Secret. She never walked right again.
When someone tells Chuck Norris the world doesn't revolve around him, they start floating away.
Chuck Norris installed Skynet on his iPod.
Osama bin Laden actually shot HIMSELF in the head. The first SEAL in said "hit the floor!". bin Laden thought he said "hi, I'm Chuck Norris!".
Once, Chuck Norris held a judge in contempt, while in court.
Chuck Norris energy drink is liquid nitrogen!
God is Chuck Norris 3rd cousin
Spontaneous combustion is just one of the highly contagious diseases Chuck Norris transmits daily.
Documentaries about Chuck Norris' life can be found in video libraries in the horror section.
you may check your room for monsters but monster check thier room for Chuck Norris
Gollum wanted the One Ring from LOTR so bad because Chuck Norris told Gollum to go get it for him.
Chuck Norris puts the K in knife. This is to confuse his prey.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
The first mutant was Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris strikes, it is literally like lightning. Count in seconds after a flash before you hear the thunder. that's how far away he is.
Chuck Norris can finish a fat Cuban cigar in a single massive drag. He will then crunch up and swallow the roach, and stare at you while slowly exhaling through his nostrils.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can write history of the future.
Some guys think they're a badass because they beat up a guy in a bar fight. Chuck Norris once beat a Jeep to death.
Chuck Norris can make a single female cheat.
When Chuck Norris jumps in front of an oncoming rocket, the rocket will move out of Chuck Norris's way to avoid hitting him.
Chuck Norris doesn't have school because hes too smart. That happened in 2nd grade.
Chuck Norris has a honorary membership at the UNO.
Bill Clinton got Chuck Norris' sloppy seconds
Chuck Norris is in everyone of the devil's nightmares
Chuck Norris can beat up Hugh Wackman.
The first man to be kicked in the groin by Chuck Norris coined the term "pisshell," just before he cried to death.
Elon Musk sleeps four hours a night. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep — the universe just pauses while he rests his eyes.
BB guns are considered nonlethal weapons...except when in the hands of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris COULD bench press Rosie O'Donnell.
Chuck Norris can get an exponential equation from the derivative of a whole number.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris practices his roundhouse kicks: a. Anywhere he wants B. Chuck Norris doesn't need to practice C. On your face D. All of the above Hint: The answer is 'd'
God said "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said "Say please."
Chuck Norris owns a piggy bank made from a real pig.
Emancipated women bring and cook for Chuck Norris beer while he's watching TV.
Chuck Norris recently did an audio commentary of one of his best-selling novels.
Pound for pound, Chuck Norris will pound the shit out of you.
When Chuck Norris typed "LMAO" on the internet, he actually did it.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could literally mop the floor with your face. He could also vaccum his car out with your digestive tract. And disinfect his toilet with your soul.
Chuck Norris once sniffed out & found 167 truffles in the Mojave Desert.
When Chuck Norris was a kid they used to call him "Chucky the devil's doll"
Most of Chuck Norris' life has been a montage, and therefore he has aged considerably.
One of the famous 'terracotta warriors' unearthed in China looks uncannily like Chuck Norris. And has already killed 14 archaeologists.
Even as a kid, Chuck Norris never went number two. It was at least 4.7 on the Richter scale.
Do you know why Diablo 3 delayed over and over again? Because Diablo is too scared of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' beard survives by absorbing other beards.
Chuck Norris has a meat thresher insallled in his living room as a ceiling fan.
When Chuck Norris strangles an alligator, he gets Gatorade.
When steroids want to get Bigger Stronger and faster they take injections filled with Chuck Norris's sweat
Chuck Norris washes his clothes with fabric hardener.
Chuck Norris once visited with the Cherokee Nation Tribal Council. It was there that Chief Running Wolf presented him the honorary Native American name of: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Chuck Norris can make the Goodyear blimp do a barrel-roll.
Confucius say: Wise man never stand infront of bull, never stand behind mule, never stand infront or behind Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was expelled from the third grade for knocking up his teacher. For the second time.
Chuck Norris once played with blocks as a toddler. These blocks are known to us today as Stonehenge
A Chuck Norris stare can literally burn holes through you.
Chuck Norris was selected for jury duty. The judge was immediately sentenced to death.
The only reason Texas Rangers carry a loaded Colt 45 on their hip is because Chuck Norris weighs too much.
There is no spoon because Chuck Norris took it.
Chuck Norris once encountered a man drinking a XX beer. Since then the man has been known as the most interesting man in the world because Chuck let him live.
Chuck Norris does not believe in violence. He only believes in solving problems with an explosive roundhouse kick to the face. And if you argue that a roundhouse kick is violence, Chuck Norris can solve that problem too.
Chuck Norris can solve a Rubik's Cube with his butt-cheeks.
As a polite act of courtesy, Chuck Norris always brings his own Molotov to his neighborhood cocktail parties.
Chuck Norris created 'The Ghost Rider" when he lit a fart 3 inches from Nicholas Cage's face
If you piss off Chuck Norris enough, he will knock your ass out, pull your eyelashes down far enough to hook them on your toenails and play you like a banjo.
Chuck Norris is the answer to all your problems.
Chuck Norris can implode an explosion making it explode some more.
Chuck Norris is not a character in Mortal Kombat, because he is no mere mortal.
Chuck Norris was bitten by a Zombie. Shortly thereafter, the Zombie displayed greatly increased muscle mass and some serious bad-ass tendencies.
Chuck Norris wants YOU!!! - to shut the fuck up.
Chuck Norris invented the soccer ball by dehydrating a zebra.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face... with his hands.
Chuck Norris only shoots his enemies if he wants to give them a chance
You don't just see Chuck Norris facts, you experience them and merely accept truth for what it is.
Chuck Norris can smell Uranas. He can also smell your anus. And with only one roundhouse kick, he can make your anus look like Uranas.
Chuck Norris Beat the guinness book of world records every day just by walking.
In museums, Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the artifacts.
Chuck Norris visited Atlantis once. After the people pissed him off, he vowed revenge. End of story.
Chuck Norris can beat anybody in a staring contest... with his eyes closed
Chuck Norris couldn't find any of BobW entries on any of the first 25 pages of the "Popular Chuck Norris Facts" listings. Hmmmmm
Chuck Norris is the blackest white man on the planet. Think about it.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a man in a call centre. Over the phone.
Hulk is strong, but Chuck Norris is STRONG.
The only thing you can do to please Chuck Norris is to volunteer to be his personal punching bag.
Home is where the heart gets ripped out by Chuck Norris.
Once, back in 1961, Chuck Norris visited the Kennedy's at their riding stables near Martha's Vineyard. It was there where he helped Jack off a horse.
Chuck Norris has made it to the end of the Internet. Twice.
Chuck Norris called himself Walker because he doesn't need to run to catch all the bandits.
If Chuck Norris were to ever bungee jump, the earth would flinch.
Jehovah is the Hebrew word for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is currently involved in a lawsuit against the writers of the 'Hokey Pokey' claiming that, in reality, Chuck Norris is what it is all about.
I put Chuck Norris into an online anagram generator and only got one anagram - "Don't rearrange these letters or else Chuck Norris will rearrange your face."
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can 'chuckle'
Chuck Norris puts the "ouch" in couch.
People who sue Chuck Norris get sawed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris likes to play with the law, words and dangerous tools.
Chuck Norris won the Texas Derby by using a rocking horse.
Chuck Norris can uproot your family tree.
Chuck Norris' wife didn't take his name after they were married. She took it after their engagement.
Chuck Norris is not omniscient because he doesn't know what it's like to be gay.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about
Chuck Norris oncd spent his entire weekend eating Duracell Batteries. He did this so that on Monday he could crap out a fire-developed tank round to fire at the short bus that drives by his house. He then give the bus a roundhouse kick to the face!
Chuck Norris' personal Total Gym can transform into a helicopter.
Chuck Norris once fell into a pit full of rattle snakes. He emerged 10 minutes later while smartly clad in his new vest, belt and boots.
Chuck Norris got a Big Mac at Subway
Chuck Norris can play Mozart with his cordless phone.
The key to eradicating all disease lies in the immune system of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris don't do facebook. No one can ever poke him.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a baseball bat to Beat on the Brat.
Chuck Norris uses a live elephant's scortum as a punching bag.
It is not the final countdown Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it and made it the first
Chuck Norris has already clocked Grand Theft Auto 6.
Chuck Norris can knock that chip off your shoulder. Usually your shoulder gets knocked off too.
Brokeback Mountain is not just a film. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas is his backyard.
Chuck Norris can hit Mach 3 in his hot-air balloon.
Great minds think like Chuck Norris
Hitler wanted to give Chuck Norris a gift for his fifth birthday. Unfortunately for Hitler, he gave it to Chuck a month late. This made Chuck Norris mad, so as a result, Hitler was forced to kill himself.
When Chuck Norris was created, he destroyed his own mold.
Chuck Norris can slice through a katana blade with a loaf of french bread.
Chuck Norris holds one of his balls in each pant leg
Chuck Norris makes some of the best darn peach cobbler and beef stew you'll ever have made straight from his bedroom using his "Dutch Oven".
Chuck Norris' name in Spanish.... El Nino.
Chuck Norris can sen a text message from either his BlackBerry or one of his DingleBerries.
Chuck Norris idolizes Tyson Guess
Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can make a mullet look cool.
The things that go bump in the night? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a dandruff problem, we call the product cocaine
Chuck Norris has a crowbar holster on the back of the passenger seat of his Hummer
Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.
Chuck Norris completed world of warcraft with out killing or looting anything.
Chuck Norris once wrote a poem so beautiful, it makes menopausal women explode in their pants, and grown men sob awesomeness.
Chuck Norris became Grand ChessMaster when he defeated his opponents only by using one piece (his leg) and on his first move (the roundhouse kick). He never lost.
Chuck Norris can make a Klondike Bar do anything
At my house I have a "Beware of Dog" sign. At Chuck Norris' house, he has a "Beware of Chuck Norris" sign.
Chuck Norris is solving world hunger one kick at a time.
The second world war tank "sherman" was first named Chuck Norris, but he thought its not powerful enough for his name.Scientists are still working on a weapon that is powerful enough for his name.They are not even close.
Chuck Norris' snot has the same properties as C-4 explosive.
If Money is the root of all Evil... Evil is th root of CHUCK NORRIS!
Jesus didn't rise and ascend to the heavens on the 3rd day. Chuck Norris round kick him back to life and simultaneously killed him again sending him to heaven.
Michael Jackson denied Chuck Norris' facebook friend request on June 25, 2009...you never deny Chuck Norris.
Boots cost Chuck Norris a fortune! He keeps losing them up people's asses!
Chuck Norris and the Terminator recently ran into each other. The Terminator asked "what's up, boss"?
The city of Atlantis was a thriving one until the day its leader insulted Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented cranberries by uprooting a cherry tree and throwing it into a farm pond.
Chuck Norris once repurposed an old baby chair into a four legged Ninja flying death spear.
Chuck Norris is who taught Bear Ghrylls all his survival skills.
Chuck Norris wields a freight train like nunchucks.
Jesus weeps. Chuck Norris doesn't.
Recently a heckler told Chuck Norris "I'll bet you've seen Steel Magnolias". Chuck immediately replied "I'll bet you are gonna see the imprint of my fist in the middle of your face".
Chuck Norris loves horses .... With ketchup and onions .
Chuck Norris formed the Grand Canyon with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris can literally break his foot off in your ass.
After Michael Jackson's death, investigators turned a blind eye to the huge Chuck Norris-shaped hole in the bedroom wall.
Chuck Norris doesn't need glasses. He just gets new eyeballs.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire....with gasoline.
Chuck Norris invented crunk. That's actually how you say his name in Chuckenese.
Ice Cream Is To Afraid To Melt If Chuck Norris Is Eating It.
Chuck Norris likes to perform chuckalingus on his ladies.
Argentina uses Chuck Norris' shit as currency.
If you blame Chuck Norris, your actually blaming yourself.
When Chuck Norris was 8, he acted out in class and was told to go to the Principals Office for a spanking, so Chuck went to the Office and gave the Principal a spanking.
Chuck Norris was originally set to play Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen, but the producers realized that the vision of a butt-naked fifty-foot tall, blue-glowing Chuck would result in erotically-charged rioting in cinemas the world over.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with a stick of butter
Chuck Norris has a savings and a Chucking account
In 18th century England, Chuck Norris was considered an urbane and cultured Norristocrat.
Its always dark when Chuck Norris wakes up cause the sun dares not glare at Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once had a weak moment, just to know what it felt like.
Harm never gets in Chuck Norris' way
The Avengers Assemble - Chuck Norris Dissemble.
Chuck Norris is the reason the BeeGees sing "Staying Alive"
Chuck Norris is too sexy for Right Said Fred.
Chuck Norris can drive manual, in an automatic.
Chuck Norris got his second speeding ticket for doing 137 MPH in his Corvette. When he was 9.
once a cobra bit Chuck Norris, after 5 days of pain the cobra died.
Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon because he coughed "Just Once"
The Catholic Church has offered Chuck Norris the position of Pope at least four times...even though Chuck Norris isn't Catholic.
When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."
Chuck Norris grows his crops on solid concrete,and they are twice the size of ground grown crops.
The easiset way for Chuck Norris to attract women is to turn up.
In a single day in 1967, Chuck Norris shot down 22 enemy aircraft over Vietnam. He was stationed in Greenland at the time.
Chuck Norris can climb a tree without using his hands
Chuck Norris' neighbor asked if he could help fix his taps. Chuck fixed his taps, all right - then tapped his wife.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Lord Eddard "Ned" Stark in Game of Thrones, but Boromir was cast instead because the film crew couldn't find a sword that can chop off Chuck Norris' head.
Although a big fan of meat, Chuck Norris has never eaten a tenderloin - nothing about Chuck is tender.
If looks could kill, Chuck Norris would be considered the biggest genocidal maniac since Hitler.
Chuck Norris is like a vampire. The difference is that he drinks more blood in one day than Dracula has had in 300 years.
Similar to an Iceberg, only 1/10 of Chuck Norris beard can be seen above the surface.
When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook you can feel it
Chuck Norris gargles peanut butter.
Chuck Norris once lighted his fart and sent himself propelling to Neptune for an interplanetary excursion.
Chuck Norris is the only anagram for 'death' that doesn't contain any of its letters.
Chuck Norris invented the yellow brick road.
If a vampire bites Chuck Norris, it becomes his slave.
A man once took Chuck Norris to court for alleged assult. After the shortest jury deliberation in history, the man was found guilty of first-degree Talking Shit About Mr. Norris and sentenced to death by instant roundhouse kick.
Bill Gates hasn't wrote a check Chuck Norris couldn't cash.
Chuck Norris turned down the lead role in the movie "Crank" ...said it made him look weak
The last time Chuck Norris used the term "clean up this mess" it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.
Chuck Norris used an abacus to solve the final digit of pi.
The real reason of the tsunami was because Chuck Norris threw a rock from texas and it landed in the indian ocean.
Space only exist because it afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris
As a child, Chuck Norris' favorite pass time was running at the speed of light and ripping apart the fabric of time and space for fun and entertainment.
Chuck Norris can stare down a Buckingham Palace guard. After he does that, he roundhouse kicks their stupid furry hats off their heads.
The U.S. Coast Guard has approved recordings of Chuck Norris farts for use on all maritime vessels as the preferred fog horn signal.
Chuck Norris breaks hockey sticks over his shins.
Chuck Norris doesn't fear death, death fears him
Chuck Norris taught Moses how to use a GPS
Chuck Norris can cure ADD with a simple glance of disapproval.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't get constipated, he holds his shit for ransom
Chuck Norris drinks his whiskey with a goddamn funnel.
Chuck Norris likes to fill pinatas with nitro glycerine and give them to orphanages.
Every time Chuck Norris enters a room the theme from Walker, Texas Ranger plays.
The surest way for any of the factions to rule supreme on "Game of Thrones" is to get Chuck Norris to fight for them.
Chuck Norris can satisfy an oil well.
Hitler shot himself not because the Russians were in Berlin, but because he heard Chuck Norris had just volunteered for military service.
Chuck Norris played golf. He tee'd off. The ball landed in the cup, bounced out, landed in the 2nd cup, then the 3rd... finally stopping in the 18th.
Chuck Norris' slinky goes UP the stairs.
Chuck Norris once won the World Horse Racing Championship riding a dead horse.
There can be a lot of Chucks. But there can be only one Chuck Norris.
The Bill Of Rights was written by Chuck Norris on a used napkin and was originally called The Chuck Of Wrongs.
Chuck Norris can make you lick your own elbow by twisting you into a pretzel.
Chuck Norris likes lots of honey on his Texas Toast. That's why he keeps 27 killer bee hives in his livingroom.
Chuck Norris can kill people in four different languages.
Chuck Norris doesn't jump because if he jumps he makes a hole in the ozone layer.
When Chuck Norris drives through a ghetto neighbourhood, he can make his Chevrolet truck appear much more "hip" than usual by pressing the "Swag" button on the dashboard.
Chuck Norris was on safari in The Congo and suddenly came face to face with a huge Silverback Gorilla. Once the Gorilla realized who it was, he wet himself and ran screaming into the jungle.
The best part of waking up is not Foldgers in your cup. It's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris is what U2 are looking for.
Don't talk about Chuck Norris. He's listening
Many don't know Chuck Norris was arrested when he was 10. Chuck beat up a 26 year old guy in a bar fight.
Chuck Norris can't use Twitter, because he is doing everything, everywhere, all the time. It would break the Internet.
Chuck Norris was able to jumped the Grand Canyon on his grand-daughter's tricycle.
Chuck Norris' computer boots up in under 4 seconds. The "Welcome" sound is the Walker: Texas Ranger theme song.
"Welcome to the jungle" starts playing out of nowhere whenever a dr starts giving Chuck Norris a colonoscopy
Chuck Norris was ask to join the cast of The Exspendables, but once Stallone offered Chuck the part.... he did a roundhouse kick, and said with a grin.. Sly you know as well as anyone.. Chuck Norris is not expendable.
Chuck Norris blew up the Death Star with a roundhouse kick.
Only God can judge the whole mankind. Only Chuck Norris can judge God
Chuck Norris killed his shadow while shadow boxing. That's why you never see his shadow when he comes up behind you.
Chuck Norris tried to slap the pedophelia out of Michael Jackson. Sadly, Chuck slapped Michael a bit too hard.
Chuck Norris is the only man to swim the entire length of the Amazon. He swam all 4048 miles in 7 days.
Chuck Norris can kill you with a cotton ball.
Chuck Norris CAN kill a dead body!
Chuck Norris caused Pompeii to erupt by just going to the lava. He didn't die though cause he's immune to lava.
Chuck Norris hates Internet Explorer. And he is going to roundhouse kick the fuckin shit out of you if you use it. Get Firefox!
Chuck Norris dosn't dip oreos in milk, Chuck Norris dips glasses of milk in oreos.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a compiler like Visual Studio to compile code. Code compiles for him out of pure trepidation. This includes code on paper!
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from the witness stand... and he fucking well got one from the judge.
Chuck Norris once won a game of duck, duck goose using only the word "goat"
If you stare into the abyss for too long, Chuck Norris will stare back.
Chuck Norris wears glasses to protect the sun.
After meeting with Chuck Norris, iron man was referred to as the tin man!
Ice doesn't melt in the Sun,Chuck Norris melts it with his.....MIND!
Chuck Norris has a mahogany fireplace in his shower
God modeled his beard look after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once spent 3 days and 5 nights on a lavish Las Vegas vacation package.
In the Chuck Norris universe, there are no decimal numbers,or remainders in division, or anything that's partly finished, in any case. Chuck Norris likes everything whole and proper.
Teacher says every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills an angel.
On Storage Wars, Chuck Norris is allowed go in all the storage lockers and open all the boxes he wants. Who's going to stop him.
Once god asked Chuck Norris "what do you want?". Chuck Norris retorted "what the fuck do YOU want?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick him mercilessly. Ever since god went into hiding and is rarely seen by anyone ever again.
Chuck Norris invented the Shotgun Enema.
Chuck Norris never 'attends' parties. He is the party.
Chuck Norris once ordered pizza in McDonalds. He got it.
Chuck Norris uses two 11 yr old kids and a scarf as his nunchucks.
In stead of threatening to call child support whenever my dad wants to beat me, I threaten to call Chuck Norris.
If you knock your drink over at Chuck Norris' house, you will be killed before the drink hits the carpet. Then Norris will catch the glass without spilling a drop anyway.
You are always told to turn off your cell phone during a flight, in case Chuck Norris calls you and whispers the secret incantation to make you spontaneously combust.
Chuck Norris was NOT born he willed himself into exsistance.
Chuck Norris recently got a prince albert piercing the size of a dumbbell.
Chuck Norris once needed "more cowbell" from the New York Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra and he damn well got it.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow anymore because he roundkicks a wall if it appears
Chuck Norris won Gold in the Olympic Fencing Competition while riding a horse, wearing body armor & brandishing jousting lance.
McGruff "takes a bite out of Crime." Chuck Norris prefers exterminating Crime.
Chuck Norris can walk a tight rope upsidedown.
Chuck Norris doesn't fart, air flees his body in despair.
Chuck Norris is God's secret cousin
Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it.
A Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick in the face has been known to cause a yellow, pus filled abscess in hemorrhoidal tissue.
Chuck Norris did not call the wrong number.You answered the wrong phone.
JFK wasnt killed by a bullet, Chuck Norris ran in and deflected the bullet with his beard... JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement
Chuck Norris can move quicker then the blink of an eye
Chuck Norris one cut down a giant redwood tree with a pair of nail clippers
The Incas used to sacrifice their most beautiful women to the Sun God. The Sun God was their title for Chuck Norris.
What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Chuck Norris CANNOT Jelly his fist up your ass
If you look in Chuck Norris eyes their is no dought you will explode
George Jung sniffed cocaine, Chuck Norris snorts sheet rock.
Chuck Norris can sharpen James Blunt.
When Chuck Norris farts, it sounds like the theme to NCIS.
Chuck Norris doesn't walk home...Home walks to Chuck Norris!
When bored, Chuck Norris will play Hopscotch on your face.
Chuck Norris doesn't know karate. Karate knows Chuck Norris - as its only master.
Chuck Norris is the reason Usain Bolt can run so fast.
Chuck Norris has submitted internet forms without posting all required information because he is a machine - not a mere man.
South American tribesmen coat their blowdart tips in Chuck Norris' sweat.
If you smoke Chuck Norris' back hair, you get high forever.
It isn't uncommon for grown men to wet themselves in Chuck Norris' terrifying, musk-scented presence.
Chuck Norris won the Texas state lottery by turning in a bingo card.
Chuck Norris' motto: "The difficult I do immediately. The impossible takes 3 seconds longer".
Lance Armstrong didnt beat cancer, Chuck Norris did it for him.
Chuck Norris once ran for president. The president shrieked like a girl, shat himself and fainted.
Chuck Norris is banned from Mortal Kombat yet he comes back to play every year.
Allstate may protect you from mayhem, but it is useless against Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' ranch is home to the world's largest stockpile of ungiven fucks.
Chuck Norris invented Herpes Duplex by roundhouse kicking a man with lip Herpes twice. Once in the mouth followed by one in the nutsack.
If the sun met Chuck Norris, it would burn up and die.
Chuck Norris won a car on The Price is Right by guessing a can of tuna was worth $5,467...
Chuck Norris is the reason why Oscar the Grouch is in a trash can.
In fact there is no Google satellite views, just Chuck Norris eyes that he lets you to use it.
Chuck Norris got mad at a hamer and round house kicked it in to the first sluge hamer
AHEM... Chuck Norris Fact/Joke.
Elon Musk wants to build a city on Mars. Chuck Norris already has a summer home there — he breathed once and the atmosphere became breathable.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris does actually sleep - with his eyes wide open, rarely blinking.
Chuck Norris sits on his tv and watches the couch.
When Chuck Norris was 8, he had to have his dad pick him up from school. Chucks car had broken down and was in the shop for repairs.
Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. Chuck Norris does. He is one.
Chuck Norris created creation.
Chuck Norris can run the three legged race SOLO
Chuck Norris can gag you with a horrendous stinch simply by typing the word "fart" on his computer keyboard.
Chuck Norris put mark zuckerberg in ICU....he poked him on facebook
The Old Spice Man aspires to smell like Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris ever created a video game, it would play you.
Chuck Norris likes to eat G-strings.
Superman's weakness wasn't kryptonite. It was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris possesses a commanding, cool-eyed stare that can make panties spontaneously combust.
When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice cripsies they shut the fuck up!!!
E=MC2 actually means EVERYTHING = Mr. CHUCK NORRIS CHUCK NORRIS!
Chuck Norris quit his NRA membership because he thought they were too Liberal.
Time heals all wounds. Except, of course, if you've just been wounded by Chuck Norris. Then you're fucked.
Pick any hot woman -- Chuck Norris has slept with her. Or will.
God rested on the seventh day because Chuck Norris isn't that much of a slave driver.
Chuck Norris can play funk bass with old cables from the golden gate bridge.
Chuck Norris can bungee jump without a rope
Chuck Norris has a Lucario named Telepatly. He doesn't use it in battle often, as said Lucario always wins on turn -247 to turn 3, and that would be even more unfair. However, said Lucario lives up to its nickname like heck.
Chuck Norris made the dinasaurs extinct
Did you know that Chuck Norris is not held on Earth by Gravity? He simply clings on the surface using his toes.
Chuck Norris can get revenge for something you may or may not do.
Once, Chuck Norris took the "Old Dirt Road". Unfortunately he turned it into a 6 lane super highway.
Chuck Norris washes his hands in the Pacific ocean, and air dries them in tornadoes.
It was actually Chuck Norris who gave Halle Berry the vanilla fever.
Wimpy made sure he reimbursed Chuck Norris the following Tuesday for the hamburger he ate that day.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole large container of nails and then shat out a nickel.
The truth doesn't hurt Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris hurts the truth.
Chuck Norris has the teeth of a crocodile. He keeps them in a jar of mayo [the mayo is still inside], and the crocodile has grown back his teeth.
Chuck Norris can beat a octopus in an underwater breathing contest.
Chuck Norris' birthday is on the 29th of Febuary...every year!
Chuck Norris uses a violin bow as a toothpick.
Chuck Norris can parallel park a freight train
There is only one thing Chuck Norris can't do... He can't die. But even if he prove me wrong, he'll still be alive afterwards.
Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber hang out in Minecraft... Justin: Ok, tell me... how did you find redstone at level 80 without any mods? Chuck: Don't you remember? Justin: Oh, right. I forgot. Chuck Norris can find redstone anywhere in Minecraft.
The angel of death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris demands a 29th day of February every 4 years. We call this leap year. It's true name is leapspinkick year.
Some people have wondered why Chuck Norris never played hockey. Would you want to face Chuck Norris with blades attached to his feet?
Chuck Norris' phone never auto corrects him
Chuck Norris once ran a one-minute mile. He did it dragging an 18-wheeler while running in a field of wet cement.
The rotation of the Earth was actually started by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
When a problem comes along, Chuck Norris whips it. He whips it good.
Brian didn't survive Chuck Norris' punch- It was only a ghost who came from undeneath the table. It's hard to tell, because Brian is already white. Gee, I wonder how that happened!
Chuck Norris is so passionate, all of his crimes of passion are misdemenor fines that all of his victims/chosen ones will gladly pay for him.
Chuck Norris does not navigate through a corn maze... The corn merely realigns itself in chucks favor out of fear of being roundhouse kicked in the head!
Chuck Norris speaks fluent Pootie Tang
Chuck Norris helps out NASA by throwing astronauts into space.
Chuck Norris threw his first paper aeroplane age 4... It landed yesterday.
At McDonalds, Chuck Norris ordered breakfast at 10:40 and was denied because breakfast ends at 10:30. He got so mad , he roundhouse kicked the McDonalds so hard it became Wendy's !xpsl
Chuck Norris bleeds awesomeness, not blood.
Chuck Norris dreams in Blu Ray
Chuck Norris is the only one that knows the meaning of life!
When you watch Chuck NOrris in HD, it's even more painful.
Santa needs an army of elves and a team of reindeer to produce and deliver presents for the world. Chuck Norris could do the same with no help whatsoever.
When Chuck Norris needs a new car, he doesn't look for a car, the cars look for him!
Gordon Ramsay said that Chuck Norris' peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are outstanding and suitable for 5 star gourmet restaurants.
If a tree falls in the woods, not only did Chuck Norris hear it, he probably kicked that motherfucker over too.
Remember when I said Chuck Norris was slower than Sonic. I lied. Their top speed is equal.
The Titanic didnt sink because of an iceberg.. Chuck Norris just went out for a swim
Chuck Norris can make a hockey puck dissolve in his mouth in less than 15 seconds.
Jesus didn't walk on water. Chuck Norris carried him.
you don't shut up you shut down - Chuck Norris
To prevent air pollution and save energy, Chuck Norris swallows smoldering coal and then eat raw fish to cook it inside his stomach.
Chuck Norris does not hang ductwork. Ductwork hang's itself when it encounters Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented decaf coffee by punching a coffee bean.
Chuck Norris discovered the evolution of evolutions.
Bon Jovi went out in a Blaze of Glory because they stood behind Chuck Norris when he lit a fart!
The Death Star's original name was Space Station Chuck Norris.
"Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman by pointing at her with his finger and saying "Booya" "
Chuck Norris is always ahead of everybody else. But during Daylight Savings Time he is 2 hours ahead.
The force actually has three sides. The light side the Darkside and the Chuck Norris side
Physicists have recently discovered that the universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked a singularity (the big bang).
When Chuck Norris was on the Apprentice, the first thing he'd did was fire that smug Donald Trump.
The DEA raided a hotel room to capture a man sniffing cocaine, upon knowing that it was CHUCK NORRIS they all hancuff and arrested themselves!
This is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills cyclops by punching them between the eyes. Chuck Norris kills all the bad guys without reloading. Chuck Norris is the greatest at being the greatest at everything. NO NOT attempt to be like Chuck.
To err is human. To forgive is divine. To kill is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris snorts crushed-up glass.
When Graham bell invented the phone he found three messages from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris keeps a grenade launcher hidden inside his grand piano.
If you're going to prison, simply tattoo 'PROPERTY OF CHUCK NORRIS' on your lower back, and you can drop the soap all you want.
Chuck Norris was expelled from the 5th grade when he took Steve, his pet Velociraptor for show and tell.
CHuck Norris' Mother has a tatoo of Chuck Norris on her right bicep.
Chuck Norris' house has a ceiling, but no roof
When Chuck Norris was little he followed a rainbow. He met a leprechaun and asked for its gold. It wouldn't give it to him. This is why we no longer have leprechauns. "
Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he is afraid of Chuck Norris appearing in his dreams.
Chuck Norris nags and bitches at women for leaving the toilet seat DOWN.
Chuck Norris recently got Sylvester Stallone in a headlock and told him 'motherfucker if I ever hear you fucking swear I will motherfucking kill your entire motherfucking family, bitch'.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go up the stairs.
A dentist once lost his arm trying to remove a young Chuck Norris' tonsils.
Chuck Norris' bathroom shower is equipped with with automatic Tazer guns that provide him with that calm, fresh, relaxed feeling before each new day of face punching old ladies delaying traffic in crosswalks.
Whitney Houston was recently found dead in a Hotel room with drugs all around her body. She overdosed once she found out Chuck Norris was actually her father.
The last time Chuck Norris had a brainstorm it knocked out power to 3 major US cities at once
When the Terminator goes to the cinema, he watches only Chuck Norris movies.
Steven Seagal crossed the road because Chuck Norris stuffed Seagal's head up a chicken's ass.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win a game of chess in one move. A round-house kick to the head!
Rick James died of a heart attack when he heard the words 'I'm Chuck Norris, bitch'.
Chuck Norris kills time. With two meat cleavers.
Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth who can literally be beside himself. You don't want to be around when they do that.
Chuck Norris is the reason The Divynals touch themselves.
Chuck Norris once beat Pokemon Black and White. He hacked once, though this was so when he got a Pokemon, it immediately turned into a Metapod. None ever used Struggle.
Chuck Norris is not photographed. The film just tries to emulate him.
Chuck Norris threw a knife in MW3 and killed someone in skyrim.
If Chuck Norris ever starred in Jaws, the movie would be called: "Dentures".
The day before the MTV awards, Miley was broken in by Chuck Norris.
If you google "What is the purpose of life?", a picture of Chuck Norris pops up.
The real reason why the Titanic sunk was because Chuck Norris was swimming under water and crashed into the Titanic by accident.
When a telemarketer phones Chuck Norris' number, the first thing they hear is the pleading voice of one their loved ones.
Chuck Norris was not made by god.God was made by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can stare an enemy into submission, but it's a lot more fun to roundhouse kick their ass
Some have said to seeing Chuck Norris levitate. Truth is, Earth just moves down when he farts.
Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He simply lowers his IQ to yours.
The recent financial debacle was not due subprime mortgage lending and the housing bubble bursting. The real reason was Chuck Norris stopped lending to banks.
fish gotta to swim and birds gotta fly... but if Chuck Norris tells them to do otherwise... then those fish better start flyin!
Chuck Norris doesn't buy shoes; they grow out of his feet.
Chuck Norris can roll a stone and make it gather moss
Chuck Norris receives mothers day cards for giving birth to twins: WAR AND PEACE!!!!
Chuck Norris loves to throw horseshoes. He had to give it up. Texas ran out of horses.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to blow out the candles on his birthday cake . They just know what to do and when to do it.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
When face to face with Chuck Norris, the honey badger DOES give a shit.
The Terminator peed his pants when he turned around and saw Chuck Norris behind him.
Chuck Norris doesn't get sucked away into tornadoes. The tornado gets sucked away into Chuck Norris.
Jack Links Beef Jerky wanted to film a series of "Messin' with Chuck Norris" commercials. They later had to settle for Sasquatch because they couldn't find any actors dumb enough to mess with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris solved the illegal immigration problem. He replaced every "U.S. Border" sign with "Norris Ranch".
Chuck Norris put Lysol out of business, he kills odor too
Chuck Norris always signs his cheques with a bigass peacock feather.
The buck stops at Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has to lay low from the cops, his alias is Not Chuck Norris. He has photo ID and everything.
If you dont believe God exists, he doesnt believe you exist, and soon you should expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face....(Chuck Norris is God.)
Chuck Norris took a ccoking class in the 7th grade. For his first assignment he barbequed a wolverine.
Chuck Norris' digestive system can dissolve corn and peanuts.
Dragon Ball Z was based upon all of Chuck Norris's moves
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever successfully complete Harvard medical school and Harvard law school.....at the same time.
When Chuck Norris was born, he poped out with a tactical knife in his hand.
Most people have 23 chromosomes, Chuck Norris has 72 and they're all poisonous
Chuck Norris once went to Sea World, and wrestled an orca to death.
Chuck Norris is the reason the penguins live in Antarctica.
Chuck Norris does not pay bills, bills PAY Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shits in urinals.
Every time a bell rings, Chuck Norris fucks a woman named Sarah Connor.
Chuck Norris roundhoused a guy so hard he starved to death before he stopped sliding.
When Chuck norris gave birth to himself god said "O' my chuck!"
Contrary To Popular Belief, Chuck Norris Won Super Bowl 46. By Phone
Chuck Norris once threw a 'block party'. The city of Detroit filed for bankruptcy the next day.
Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone off the coast of Long Island. It sank the Titanic.
The reason why Chuck Norris can get away with all of his thousands of murders is because he his 'preventing future crimes'.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with a Brillo Pad.
When Chuck Norris heard about Child Abuse, he made Aduld Abuse.
Of course Chuck Norris' closet goes to Narnia.
Chuck Norris has downloaded the whole internet
Chuck Norris relaxes in his acid bath to the soothing strains of Norwegian black metal.
an acorn planted in a pile of Chuck Norris shit will grow into an oak tree overnight
Chuck Norris owns a 747 convertible.
Chuck Norris made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chuck Norris farts helium, which is tapped by the US Meteorological department to send balloon up into ionosphere. True fact.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris said 5 "Bloody Marys" and 3 "Candymans" Simultaneously in an abandoned warehouse mirror. He then saw both of them run away from him.
Chuck Norris is the reaso Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris usually finishes typing before the words start getting displayed on the screen
A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head is the reason Eric Holder can't remember his involvement in Operation Fast and Furious.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
The DeathStar wasn't a destroying machine, it was one of Chuck Norris' balls.
Chuck Norris once hit a home run with a grand piano.
A reporter asked Chuck Norris what he thought when the news runs a story about the Kardashians. Chuck said "I think that's a good time to take a big dump".
Chuck Norris killed both Biggie AND 'Pac
children check under their beds and in there closets for the boogeyman but the boogeyman checks under his bed and in his closet for Chuck Norris.
Jesus wears a WWCND bracelet !!!!!!! What Would Chuck Norris Do....
When Chuck Norris turned nine he finally kicked his parents the fuck out of his house.
The square root of Chuck Norris: pain. Chuck Norris squared: death. Chuck Norris cubed: you don't want to know.
No one wants Chuck Norris to follow them on twitter
Contrary to popular belief, not even carrying a turd in your pocket can protect you from Chuck Norris. Heck, even ghosts are afraid of turds!
When taking baths, Chuck Norris didn't have rubber duckies as a kid. He had toothpicks and nails.
Most people need a liter when they burn down a forest. Chuck Norris only needs his ass and his lazer vision.
Various pieces of the official Lego Chuck Norris set have choked a record number of kids.
Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. He will also roundhouse kick you to death if you don't laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. The choice is yours.
Chuck Norris beat the hell out of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson with a plank of wood.
Chuck Norris cuts his steak with his fist.
Chuck Norris only smokes cigars after making love. He's a forty-a-day man.
Chuck Norris's beard is so tough that he can use it as a shredder.
Chuck Norris once paralyzed a man in a thumb-wrestle.
The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled was convincing the world that the Chuck Norris facts are just jokes.
When Chuck Norris pulls a rabbit out of a hat he gets the entire Playboy Mansion.
When Chuck Norris first saw his reflection, he was shocked to see that there is another man as manly and good looking as him. So he said "boo" and the relfection promptly rolled over and died.
Chuck Norris can outrun his legs and feet
Chuck Norris once knifed a guy to death then beat up the knife.
Chuck Norris kicked Maggie and the Ferocious Beast so hard they woke up in Nowhere Land.
Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? .... Not while Chuck Norris is alive.
ya know how you cant eat just one lays chip WELL Chuck Norris CAN
Chuck Norris don't need no academy award, he owns the goddamn academy.
Chuck Norris killed the electric car.
After Chuck Norris merciless killed 27 Ninjas while vacationing in Japan, the Japanese government said that he should be hung. His response was, "don't worry about it, I already am".
The devil has a Chuck Norris-may-care attitude.
It is said that a watch pot nevers boils, but in Chuck Norris case a watch pot boils in an instance out of fear and retallation from Chuck Norris
"He protects woman, and kills enemies. We should all be like Chuck Norris" - Israli Officer
Chuck Norris dosen't call 911.. 911 calls Chuck Norris..
Chuck Norris never needs toilet paper to wipe his ass,his Godly ass wipes it himself.
Chuck Norris's blood smells like cologne.
Back in 1980's New York Chuck Norris used to walk around carrying two massive ghetto-blasters and still be able to drink a beer.
When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing. If you cannot - your death is imminent.
Chuck Norris was in the Congo and encountered a cannibal. With one piercing look from his steely eyes, Chuck turned him into a vegetarian. Permanently.
Chuck Norris began weight training at age 3. He bench-pressed a 747 ten times.
Kramer vs. Kramer. Chuck Norris won.
The cookie crumbled because Chuck Norris glanced at it
Chuck Norris easily won on 'Iron Chef America' by microwaving 2 ham & cheese Hotpockets. Prior to the show, he advised the judges he would provide them with thier choice of either Hotpockets or a knuckle sandwich.
Some people swallow live goldfish on a dare. Chuck Norris prefers live piranha.
All the religions of the world believe that reading Chuck Norris facts aloud daily increases your chances of surviving till the next day.
Chuck Norris inhaled helium and had a much deeper voice.
Chuck Norris punched a gift horse in the mouth
Chuck Norris once did a woman so hard she had to change churches.
Chuck Norris is the answer to the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
Chuck Norris once spit through a man's skull.
Tommy is the only Ramone left because he followed Chuck Norris's advice and bought a Total Gym.
If Chuck Norris stretches every muscle in his body, he'll suck up the universe because of high gravity.
Hitler killed himself when he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was banned from the show Survivor, his primal instincts take over; he killed and ate 5 players. Survive to Chuck Norris means something different.
Chuck Norris Invented Cars so that you can get away from Chuck Norris..... Too bad that cars arent fast enough...us
Chuck Norris tells Scorpian to "get over Here"
Chuck Norris believes some people can only be taught a lesson via gunshot.
Greek Gods fled to Mount Olympus they saw Chuck Norris wandered on earth.
Chuck Norris was annoyed by the noise coming from his neighbor's house. So he punched his neighbor in the throat and moved his house over four blocks.
Chuck Norris fears nothing. But fear fears Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris slaughters anyone named Chuck or Boris.
Chuck Norris' dog once ran into the street, and a car got ran over by it
If Chuck Norris ever dies, the US government will give him a twenty-one-nuke salute, on France, just like he wanted.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was afraid to be on the same side as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once defeated a alligator, a bear, and a cougar by tying them together with a anaconda
When Chuck Norris travels from Africa to North America, he crosses through the Bermuda triangle
When he was a kid, Chuck Norris invented an imaginary friend, whom he called 'God'. Everyone got in on the act, and religion was born.
Chuck Norris super human kicking speed is the reason The Flash can be seen in slow motion running bare footed.
When Chuck Norris was born in 1940, the only person who cried was the Doctor.
Chuck Norris pee'd his name in the snow at Aspen. He was standing in Dallas.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Chuck Norris...it never made it to the other side.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris once fought with his roundhouse kick and defeated it. LOL!
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time Chuck Norris is near? Just like me, they long to be... close to Chuck
Chuck Norris can blow-out a volcano.
Chuck Norris can mix water and oil.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face, its descendants are now called the giraffe
DNA: Deoxyribonucleic acid CNA: Chuck Norris, asshole
Chuck Norris can get to the center a Tootsie Pop, in just one lick.
Chuck Norris can ride a BMX bike while wearing bigass MC Hammer parachute pants.
James Bond's license to kill was issued by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris uses lemon juice for eye drops
If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer...
Chuck Norris named the Dead Sea. He also swam to the bottom of it.
Love is a battlefield. Chuck Norris is Field Marshall.
Jesus could walk on Land. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris can do donuts in a steam train
Women are known to undergo involuntary ovulation at the sight of Chuck Norris.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Chuck Norris will always hurt me.
Chuck Norris will only feed his pet canary, "Twinkles" strictly a diet of live peregrine falcons.
We're taught Jesus died for the redemption of our sins: past, present and future. If Chuck Norris sins, we're totally screwed. We'll need a bus full of Jesuses, for something as minor as when Chuck Norris says "God dammit".
You quickly realize you've had a bad encounter with Chuck Norris when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and discover it's your face.
Once, while tooling around in his Delorean, Chuck Norris accidentally went 4.5 billion years into the past. Before returning to the present, he hocked a wad of phlegm out the window. And that is how all life on earth began.
Chuck Norris is the only living person who ever skyped from a rock.
Saddam didn't invent mustard gas, Chuck Norris ate baked beans and farted
When Chuck Norris shaves his beard, it grows back within three minutes. That's why his early movies were so damn hard to film.
Chuck Norris was hit by a train and the train was found 3 days later beyond recognition
Chuck Norris had appendicitis so he removed his appendix with his pocket knife and closed the wound with a staple gun.
Chuck Norris died yesterday. He's fine today.
Whenever there is an earthquake, know that Chuck Norris is not very far away.... and the earth knows it
if someone challenges Chuck Norris, life ends on earth
Chuck Norris starred in a sequel to the movie "300" It's called "1"
Chuck Norris makes Bear Grylls look like a goddamn shut-in.
The Chuck Norris commandments: Thou shall not misuse your lord Chuck Norris name. (Chuck 1:3)
The only thing that can survive a nuke is twinkes. And Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare; he only eats unicorns.
Bigfoot has plaster casts of Chuck Norris' foot prints.
If you ever insinuate that bearded men are insecure, the last thing you will ever see is Chuck Norris sprinting toward you.
Chuck Norris can whistle underwater.
Someone once used Chuck Norris' name in a men's restroom graffiti. That is correct, "once"! The body of a castrated man was later found by police floating in the city sewer system.
Chuck Norris won the 2011 Las Vegas Blackjack tournament by taking 22 hits on his last hand.
christmas fact: Chuck Norris can put you on the naughty list. That ends with a roundhouse kick in your face.
Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars. He smokes smoke grenades.
Chuck Norris is not afraid of a skin walker
'Chuck Norris' in Canadian is 'Sasquatch'
The Grim Reaper is actually Chuck Norris's son.
Chuck Norris once created a rock so heavy that even Chuck Norris couldn't lift it, then he lifted it anyway, just to show the who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Some of Chuck Norris' favorite comedies include Reservoir Dogs, 300, Scarface, The Wild Bunch, Terminator II, Rambo III, Natural Born Killers, Conan the Barbarian, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now.
Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the movie "Zombieland". The zombies were terrified of him and Woody Harrelson had to replace him.
Chuck Norris can burp Haiku verse in hex.
Want to know what Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick feels like? Go ask Stephen Hawking
Chuck Norris gives the same Christmas gift every year: he lets you live.
Chuck Norris once farted and lit it on fire as a joke. We now call it the sun.
Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs in a Vita-Mix blender.
Chuck Norris can make RuPaul dress like a man.
Chuck Norris fought a zombie bare-handed and won.
If you slap Chuck Norris......oh god i just cant say it...hes behind me.
Fred Long won the Oscar for Best Costume Design for Invasion USA, for providing Chuck Norris with tight jeans.
Chuck Norris can lift himself three feet in the air while urinating.
God said to the world, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please"
Chuck Norris doesnt Shit bricks, he shits full size buildings, hence the invention of the Pre-Fabricated homes.
Chuck Norris is considered a sensitive, new-age guy... who just happens to own four gatling guns
Chuck Norris is allergic to mercy. Enough said.
Chuck Norris dung glows in the dark and emits a barely audible hum.
It is a well known fact that too many uninformed people, now deceased, took Chuck Norris for granted. It is equally true that all living, well informed individuals take Chuck Norris for granite.
The last guy to play frisbee with Chuck Norris was actually Bob Dole.
Chuck Norris's "Will" will never be stronger than Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows how to shut down Skynet. Warner Bros beged him not to so they can make some money out of it.
Chuck Norris looked at a grayard and said what have i done
Chuck Norris requires a recking ball to bowl
there isn't an I in team but there is an I in Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can kick u in the back of the face
The sunami in Japan was an accident. Chuck Norris just wanted to splash around in the tub.
Chuck Norris was the Da Vinci's Code. Nobody ever had the guts to decode it, knowing that.
Chuck Norris uses barbed wire as dental floss.
Only Chuck Norriss' fights start with the end.
Chuck Norris' living room is a full-scale replica of the final level of Doom.
Chuck Norris invented facial piercings back in the 60's when he rammed a hippie head first into a fisherman's tackle box.
Chuck Norris talked to himself in his mother's womb.
Of course God is a woman, she's Chuck Norris' bitch
Chuck Norris' bodyguards a lucky to have Chuck Norris as their bodyguard.
Chuck Norris' uvula is the size of a punching bag.
Chuck Norris forced the Beatles to change the lyrics to many of their songs, including "All You Need Is Chuck", "Hey Jude (Chuck Norris Fathered You)" "I Am Chuck's Walrus" and "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Chuck Norris".
It is impossible to beat Chuck Norris in rock, paper, scissors since his roundhouse kick beats all. Yes, even the bomb.
When the Oracle told Chuck Norris he wasn't the ONE, he laughed and roundhouse kicked her in the face.
When a young Chuck Norris learnt how to swim, he didn't need any floaties or vests. He swam laps with his feet encased in concrete.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity and negative infinity, mutliple times, while waiting in line at the DMV.
Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!
The fumes from a Chuck Norris fart can make Limburger Cheese smell a perfume factory.
Chuck Norris can build a computer with Windows 7.
Chuck Norris doesn't count his chicken before they hatch. He cracks them and eats them.
Genesis 32:30- I have seen the face of God Chuck Norris 1:1- I punched the shit out of it
Chuck Norris doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have him
Chuck Norris once made a waterfall run backwards by sheer intimidation.
Kevelar body armour is made from the nose hair of Chuck Norris
The Kool-Aid Pitcher Man once burst through Chuck Norris' livingroom wall and said, "Oh Nooooo!"
I don't know why we haven't been able to explore Black Holes yet....just send Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't play billiards, as he pots all the balls on his first shot. You won't see this, you would have already been killed by the rebounding cueball.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Justin Bieber's voice is so high
Chuck Norris ate tiny the tiger for breakfast and it was GGGRRRREEEAAAT!
Attitudes have a Chuck Norris problem.
Chuck Norris knows theory of Everything, but if he tells you he will have to kill you.
Santa actually gives everyone presents. It's just that Chuck Norris pounds some of them into coal.
Chuck Norris has never lost playing 'Whack-a-Mole'.
Chuck Norris once interrogated agent Smith.
Chuck Norris' pet mouse, Mr Whiskers, ate a cat.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
All libraries file Chuck Norris' novels in Non-Fiction
Chuck Norris special orders his pencils without erasers because Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris wins American Idol humming the Tetris theme.
Chuck Norris is thankful for everything he's got. And that is everything on this planet, including the planet
Clint Eastwood to Chuck Norris: Ask yourself, "Do I feel Lucky?Well, do you , punk? Chuck Norris with piercing hollow stare. You do know who I am, right? ...... Pow! Thud! " maybe you need to talk to the foot.
Chuck Norris can destroy a falling piano with a dime.
Chuck Norris pioneered the idea of multiple organ donations after ripping out the still-beating heart, kidneys, lungs, liver and eyes of some fool who scratched his car.
Chuck Norris can beat the Dark Souls video game in one play through without dying.
After Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium in the face for being a fake, she really was able to communicate with the dearly departed...posthumously.
Chuck Norris scrathes his balls with barb wire.
Chuck Norris can sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" in a Jamaican Reggae voice.
If Chuck Norris was the lead actor of Mission Impossible, the movie would've lasted 1 minute.
When many people end a threat with "or else," the "or else" is pain or punishment. When Chuck Norris uses "or else," it means horrible death.
When Chuck Norris plays Halo 3, he uses only a pistol. He has never lost. EVER.
Chuck Norris and his Mom have matching tattoos. Left kuckle Right knuckle Chuck Norris . Left foot Right foot Chuck Norris. Only one difference. Above his Mom's hairy mat it reads Hello ! Above Chuck Norris's bearded Ass it simply reads Goodbye.
The world was a cube. Until Chuck Norris got there!
During the Japan Tsunami a UFO was spotted flying out of the water.Recent news report Chuck Norris piloted the object. That object was his leg.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on by roundhouse kicking his closet.
Chuck Norris visited his local Taco Bell and ordered a platter of Alaskan King Crablegs. The Taco Bell manager was pronounced DOA at a local hospital after he was only able to provide Chuck with a single chicken fried snail a la carte.
The Black Eyed Peas inspiration for "Boom Boom Pow" is about Chuck Norris famous lethal combination. 2 straight jabs creating the "Boom" sound and finishes you off with the roundhouse kick to the head creating the "Pow" sound.
In science, the hydrologic cycle is simply the process of Chuck Norris watering the garden to keep his feeding supply fresh.
Chuck Norris was selling a line of drinks called (Chuck Norris in a can) in a wide variety of flavors, but do to the fact that the drinks had a roundhouse kick of flavor, it had the same effect as a roundhouse kick.
Once, as a child, Chuck Norris lied to his parents. Seconds later, their pants caught on fire.
On a recent trip to Vegas, Chuck Norris won a hand of blackjack with 21 aces.
CHUCK NORRIS CAN CUT THE PERFECT SLICE OF CAKE WITHOUT MESSING A SINGLE CRUMB, USING ONLY A BASEBALL BAT.
bir is just a high velocity Chuck Norris spit
the movie "dont mess with zohan" is based on the true story of Chuck Norris' life
Chuck Norris recently won the World Horseshoe Pitching Tournament while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.
Once Chuck Norris actually tried on one of his roundhouse kicks. This was also the start of World war 1 and the aftershock of the beginning of World war 2
the only time Chuck Norris will cry is in 2012, when he's not the one killing everybody.
If Chuck Norris only had one leg, it would be called Hopper: Texas Ranger.
Gatsby was merely adequate before he got Chuck Norris' approval.
Chuck Norris just returned home this morning from a martial arts demonstration in Yemen.
Chuck Norris goes on a daily walk to the moon!
Chuck Norris once pitched a perfect game against the Chicago Cubs without throwing any strikes.
"Fear is the sustenance that need not be chewed." -Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris never uses parachutes when he skydives out of airplanes because they only slow him down.
The universe is always expanding at a faster and faster rate, that's because it's running away Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris thinks Marcelles Wallace looks like a bitch.
Chuck Norris eats volcanoes for breakfast, and farts hurricanes while he sleeps.
Chuck Norris was originally going to be in Cowboys VS Aliens, but the movie would have been over in about 3 minutes and 7 seconds.
Chuck Norris is the best cop ever. Why? He can roundhouse-kick criminals straight to jail.
Chuck Norris recently hired himself as his new major-domo.
If you dare to look at Chuck Norris' snakeskin boots, you will get a case of bleeding hemorrhoids before kicks them up your ass.
Chuck Norris's wife had a baby,he did all the breast feeding!
Chuck lives forever - You really want to know what happened to the dinosaurs? One of them made fun of Chuck Norris's 'stache.
Chuck Norris dosn't rock and roll; rock and roll Chucks Noris'
Chuck Norris puts out forest fires with his piss, while singing I make it rain
Chuck Norris pee's napalm and craps C4
Chuck Norris is such a badass he even asked Santa for a bag of coal for Christmas.
Chuck Norris wears green on St. Patricks day. Noone dares pinch him
There's three poles in the world. The North Pole, The South Pole, and Chuck Norris' Pole
Hammertime does not stop Chuck Norris
If you ever talk shit about Texas, don't be surprised when Chuck Norris teleports into the room and starts slapping you around.
they say Santa comes once a yer Chuck Norris comes twice a year
Q: What's the difference between 1) Facebook people, phone messages, and consumer fads and 2) Chuck Norris's fist? A: You can block the first 3!
if i get five good things Chuck Norris will do a roundhouse kick and kick justin bibers ass
Chuck Norris doesnt believe in religion, religion believes in Chuck Norris
Satan has a ultimate weapon to try to destroy Chuck Norris. But sadly, it worked. But then Chuck Norris revived himself and kicked Satan's ass.
Chuck Norris don't know you from a bar of soap. However, he can easily murder you with one.
Chuck Norris understands the lyrics to "Louie Louie."
Chuck Norris has six assholes. And even he will need them all to shit enough corn & peanuts infused feces on the U.S. House of Representatives.
The Thousand Islands used to be one big island, but then Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick smashed it into pieces.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows...both...at the same time
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Chuck Norris cures women with aids by fucking them
If Chuck Norris is decapitated by a boat propeller, which happens more often than most people think, he can regrow his own limbs.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
Jimi Hendrix played a guitar. Chuck Norris played Jimi Hendrix
Chuck Norris once shot down a Russian MIG in an aerial dogfight. Chuck was flying in a hot air ballon.
Chuck Norris can surf the net on his abacus
When Chuck Norris watches Dora the Explora, Dora doesn't ask any questions.
Chuck Norris finished in first and second place in the New York Marathon. He lapped the field once.
Chuck Norris doesn't die: he just takes five minute breaks.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at a police stop... and fucking well got it.
Chuck Norris fixes the suspension on his Hummer when he limbo dances under it
Chuck Norris always carries Pepper Spray.......In case he feels like some sweets.
The upcoming debut album by the Chuck Norris Experience is expected to become the highest-selling album of all time.
Chuck Norris contacted Smallpox. It made him sniffle and it evolved into Ebola. So he blew his nose while on vacation in Liberia.
The World's Most Interesting Man worships Chuck Norris.
Why does Chuck Norris lower your blood pressure? Because he's a beater blocker
Chuck Norris is tougher than the speed of light.
Chuck Norris' wife was hospitalized after she misunderstood when he told her to go to Cox's Department Store to buy him a seersucker suit. Instead, she went to Sears and bought him a cocksucker suit.
In America, Chuck Norris can beat you up. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris can beat you up.
Chuck Norris once threw a cigarette butt out of his car window while passing through the Sahara Rainforest.
Chuck Norris never runs, the ground down him that moves itself...
Chuck Norris stapled two liquids together
Electronic microscope pictures of the Y chromosome are just tiny photos of Chuck Norris
To be the person who Chuck Norris is right now, he never learned from his failures because he never commits failure but success.
The dinosaurs didn't go extinct Chuck Norris scared them out of existence.
Hitler killed him self because he found out Chuck Norris is jewish.
Chuck Norris Rounhouse kicked Voldemort now he has n nose
A man walks up to Chuck Norris and ask for a lite...May he rest in peace.
There are two sides to every issue: Chuck Norris's side and the wrong side.
Chuck Norris does not fly coach OR first class. He travels by transcontinental flying sidekick.
The reason Link can't speak is because he got a roundhouse kick in the throat by an unidentified bearded man "Scientists believe him to be Chuck Norris"
One day a jew accidently stepped on Chuck Norris his shoe. It was his favorite shoe. So Chuck created Hitler.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Google doesn't search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.
All professional sports teams pay Chuck Norris Not to play--saves money on body bags and funeral arrangements.
Chuck Norris doesn't wish on shooting stars. He doesn't need handouts.
Chuck Norris customised his iPod so that it now doubles as a cattle prod. It's his iProd.
Chuck Norris owns several very successful funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.
Chuck Norris smokes razor-sharp blunts.
Chuck Norris eat Pain for breakfast
Chuck Norris can eat a Big Mac with his lips tied behind his back.
Chuck Norris eats chili peppers to cool down his mouth
Once Freddy Kreuger went to Texas, Chuck Norris appeared in his nightmares
Chuck Norris once ate a full bottle of sleeping pills...they made him blink
Chuck Norris brushes his face and washes his teeth
On Chuck Norris's birthday, one lucky child is chosen to be thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris shot an Eagle on the 14th hole at Pebble Beach. It was a Bald Eagle and died with a smile on it's beak.
Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Chuck Norris doesn't feel your pain... he causes it
Chuck Norris can easily read your mind, by simply shooting you in the face and examining the wall behind you.
Ironicaly, Chuck Norris lives in a round house.
Michelle Obama twerks only for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 100 people it then exploded
Chuck Norris' first name is The.
Chuck Norris is all about that roundhouse kick, bout that roundhouse kick. No punches.
God help any Chuck Norris impersonator
When Chuck Norris dies, the world will end.
when you split an atom, inside it says OWNED BY CHUCK NORRIS
If you ever make the mistake of confessing to Chuck Norris that you are a vegetarian, prepare to be immediately smothered to death by a slab of fresh veal.
Fighting Chuck Norris is the one thing Meatloaf won't do for love.
Chuck Norris was once turned loose in a china shop.
When Chuck Norris goes to jail playing Monopoly, by the time he gives the bank $50 for bail, etc; his battleship has already murdered ten other inmates.
Chuck Norris tears the divider out.
Chuck Norris never asks if you are talking to him.
Albert Einstein showed that E = mc2. Chuck Norris proved it by splitting an atom through fear.
Chuck Norris doesn't need portals in the video game Portal.
Chuck Norris' face is on the One Billion Dollar Bill, which only he owns.
Chuck Norris can touch a bottomless pit
As the old saying goes, You can't make an omelette without Chuck Norris cracking a few human skulls. Because basically he does that all the time.
Chuck Norris lives each day like it's your last.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Tesla's self-driving mode has driven millions of miles without an accident. Chuck Norris has driven millions of miles without a car.
Women line up just for the thrill of giving Chuck Norris a hickey on his hemorrhoids.
Chuck Norris isn't really a Texas Ranger, although mentioning such blasphamy in a bar setting will undoubtably start a riot. I highly recomend trying it out if you have balls 1/8th the size of Chuck's.
Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Snort. When Snort heard Chuck was going to ride him, he went to his veterinarian, got castrated and changed his name to Daisy.
Every Tuesday morning Chuck Norris goes crawling the whole of the Internet with his friends Googlebot and Slurpy.
Reportedly, the moment Chuck Norris was born, Hitler's actual jaw spontaneously dislocated.
Chuck Norris can eviscerate a moose with his toenails.
there is no theory of evolution, just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live
Chuck Norris does not floss his teeth, he merely clenches them and blows out real hard in bursts for a minute. The resulting Chuck Norris teeth-product is collected and used as fertilizer by farmers in Taiwan.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can be a badass while riding a moped.
There is a common misconception among Star Wars fans. Chuck Norris shot first, not Han Solo.
Chuck Norris killed "Digger" his toenail fungus character by simply ripping his toenails out on one leisurely Sunday afternoon.
Once Chuck Norris played Scary Maze, when he met the scary ghost, she broke out the screen and escaped.
Chuck Norris isn't American... he is America.
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Chuck Norris can destroy it in 2 hours.
Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on his pet alligator. He milks her every morning and uses it to foam his morning lattes.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth the New York Public library, packed floor-to-ceiling with 10,000-page micro-print encyclopedias.
The Chuck Norris classic 'Delta Force' is so manly, you have to eat a side of beef before they'll let you buy it.
Chuck Norris gave rock and roll to you. He gave rock and roll to everyone.
The sun doesn't shine on Chuck Norris. If it did well you know when a solar eclipse is coming.
Chuck Norris has to get his pedicures done at a local gristmill.
Chuck Norris can swim in a pool table.
Chuck Norris ritually craps out quotes that all of us would be lucky to utter on our deathbeds
You know why Steven Segal never removes his pony-tail? Beacause Chuck Norris told him not to.
Chuck Norris once sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at a karaoke bar. Understandably, there were no survivors.
While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.
Chuck Norris can play Sonic R on a Playstation and Crash Bandicoot on a Sega Saturn.
Only one woman has ever survived a slow dance with Chuck Norris, and she was a jeep.
Chuck Norris had tonsillitis as a child. He reached in and pulled them out.
Hitler killed himself the year Chuck Norris died... COINIDENCE?!?!?!
When a person goes to a plastic surgery clinic, the front desk doesn't hire a surgeon. They hire Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make you hang onto his every word, even the prepositions.
Life comes at you fast; Chuck Norris's Fist comes at you faster!!!
Chuck Norris once looked at an inmovable object and it ran in fear.
A clarvoyant once offered to read Chuck Norris' palm. After staring at it for about thirty seconds, her head exploded.
Chuck Norris crouches down, puts his head between his legs, and charges up his super-sonic spin attack that can kill instantly and destroy whole buildings. That's how he rolls.
Chuck Norris once ate a Tank, in one single bite
Chuck Norris actually died a million years ago. Death just doesn't have the balls to tell him.
'Old Glory' is also what Chuck Norris calls his package.
The current stock market crash began when Chuck Norris faxed a Roundhouse kick to Wall Street
Once Chuck Norris peed against a fence. A police officer saw him and said - That's against the law! - No, said Chuck. It is against the fence!
Every time Chuck Norris flatulates, an albino condor fledges.
One Million years ago Chuck Norris slapped the world, and to this day it is still spinning
Daniel Boone was known to wear a coonskin hat. Chuck Norris often wears a live wolverine for a hat.
If you have $100 and Chuck Norris is broke, He still has more money than you.
Whoever said "You can't win them all" obviously never met Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris packs more nuts than Delta Airlines.
Chuck Norris doesn't lay the smack down - the smack will get up and do his bidding.
When in Rome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you in the face wearing a toga.
Nelson Mandela was not released from Robben Island prison in 1990. Chuck Norris broke him out of prison, roundhouse kicked ALL the prison gaurds, and safely escorted him to the coast of Capetown. Its good to have a friend like Chuck!
A child once got a Chuck Norris action figure for his b-day and he made the mistake of calling it a doll... he hasn't come out of the coma yet
Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just got tired of wearing his mother.
Are your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!
Chuck Norris toilet is made of stainless steel.
Chuck Norris can deny the "License Agreement" and still be able to install the software
The pizza delivery boy tips Chuck Norris.
The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't destroyed the world is because he was conferred with the honorary Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the film Sidekicks. The prize expires on December 12th, 2012.
When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.
The straight and narrow path actually belongs to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can open PDF files with Microsoft Excel.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
To be or not to be is irrelevant to Chuck Norris, because he is both.
God help anyone who dares play a Wii game against Chuck Norris when the nunchuck is involved.
If Chuck Norris uploaded a video on youtube no matter how stupid it is, Boom. Millions of views and subscribers. That's how Chuck Norris has more subscribers than pewdiepie, In Fact: Everyone in the whole world subscribed him.
Chuck Norris can't rob a store, because everything on earth belongs to him!
Allstate won't quote a rate for mayhem like Chuck Norris!
Some tough guys show off by squeezing orange juice out of an orange. Chuck Norris squeezes whole oranges out of orange juice.
Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill a dozen condors with one boulder.
People pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Merriam-Webster dictionary actually changes it's own published spelling.
The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. Chuck Norris' speed is unable to be calculated.
Chuck Norris eats cold beans out of the can and thinks he's the next fucking Gordon Ramsey.
He is never Missing in Action, He is.... Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once went Mach 17 on a 12 speed with no back tire.
Chuck Norris entered the NFL Hall of Fame on the first ballot.
Chuck Norris gets his chicken sandwiches and waffle frys FOR FREE
Chuck Norris can shoot you without a gun...
When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of sandpaper.
The people you see with brown teeth were in a room when Chuck Norris farted.
E equals M C squared. Chuck Norris equals death, period.
Chuck Norris says that fact is not about him
Z0mg CHUCK NORRIS ROXORZ!!!!111 one one 111!!!!
Nike says, 'Just Do It'. Chuck Norris says, 'shut the fuck up, boy'.
Chuck Norris guides MAPS where to go!
When Chuck Norris was born the Doctor gave him the traditional slap on the butt. Instead of crying, Chuck slapped the Dr. back so hard it knocked him cold.
Chuck Norris says, 'if life gives you lemons, punch it in the nuts until it doesn't.'
Chuck Norris can cause reverberation inside an anechoic room.
Little Chuck Norris would bring a carving knife to play 'duck duck goose'.
Chuck Norris likes to scare the shit out of Saint Peter by killing people so hard they smash into the pearly gates.
Chuck Norris can make you cry with his unbelievable armpit rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
The is more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows thousands. It was a childhood hobby
Chuck Norris drank up all his alcohol. Then he puked out guns. Hell yeah i said guns. He used them to kill people.
a Ford Taurus was killed in a fatal Chuck Norris accident
The New World Order reports to Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, the onion cries.
When you knock on death's door, Chuck Norris answers, and then kills you for knocking.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, HE SQUIRTS THE LEMON JUICE IN HIS EYES AND RUNS RAMPANT ON LIFE'S ASS!!
Jessie wants to be Chuck Norris' girl.
Chuck Norris invented pain so that he could torture people.
Once back in the 60's Chuck Norris clipped his nails, a scientist found them and reverse engineered them to make Kevlar.
Chuck Norris knows what a mystery meal tasts like.
Whatever you're thinking of, Chuck Norris already thought of that.
the Keebler Elves do not chose to live in a tree, they are just hiding from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't need to play games against people to beat their high scores. He just plays with himself and beats every highscore on every game on every console in the whole entire universe.
Chuck Norris committed the act hara-kiri last night. Later, he cleaned up the mess, cooked up some breakfast and went bass fishing.
When the Hulk sees Chuck Norris, he turns back into Bruce Banner.
Chuck Norris would love to go to town on your town.
Chuck Norris' earwax is used by the U.S. Airforce as the radar deflecting final polish on the B-2 Spirit stealth bombers.
haoerlkfsjkjfkjkpiku.. That's what you said after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked your face in.
For fun, Chuck Norris crab fishes in the Bearing Sea with just a snorkel and a laundry basket.
A man was freaking out and told his shrink he had seen deamons in the dark. Turns out he had just had the misfortune of running into Chuck Norris on a dark street corner.
Question: What does LKCG stand for? Answer: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris scratches his back with a circular saw.
Chuck Norris savors the sweet taste of ax-murder.
Chuck Norris'new show is called "12" because he doesn't need "24".
When he jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris
People say that light goes faster than anything. Not true. Once a man named Joe insulted Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked Joe. Less than 1 second later, Joe ended up speeding out of the universe.
Chuck Norris once saved Superman's life. Just to kill him again.
Chuck Norris gets more head then a pillow!
Chuck Norris doesn't even need to put the seat up when he urinates.
how many Chuck Norris' does it Chuck to Norris? Chuck. Fucking Norris.
December 1 2013 will be the day Chuck Norris gets a playstation 5.
The Force is with Chuck Norris... for it's own good.
When Chuck Norris tells you something, you fucking pay attention.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris sold Kajiji on KAJIJI
Chuck Norris taught the Mack how to mack, and also taught Supafly how to flap his muthafuckin' wings.
Nothing in the known universe is more badass than Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was 3 years old, he went Back to the Future in his Little Tikes car.
Chuck Norris is the DEA and you are a meth lab door.
Step on a crack, Chuck Norris will pulverize your spine. Then plow your mother.
Chuck Norris once frightened Christopher Walken. From now on he is known as Christopher Runnin.
Chuck Norris sold 10% proprietary rights of his manly essence to The Jolly Green Giant. Now anybody can open up a can of Whoop-Ass.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...He just scares the shit right out of it!
Einstein was a genius. Chuck Norris is a genios, genious, and a genius.
Apple pie is as American as Chuck Norris
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
Chuck Norris usually prefers to travel on the OUTSIDE of taxis, trains and commercial aircraft.
Chuck Norris can get blood out of a stone.
Tom Cruise lives with the certainty that one day, he'll bend over the bathroom sink to splash water on his face, lift up his head and in the mirror see that Chuck Norris is standing directly behind him.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a t.v. because when Chuck is around, he is the center of attention.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris was the 13th Apostle. The one who took over.
Paramedics are now being taught to ask a person regaining conciousness- What's your name? How many fingers? What's the greatest Chuck Norris movie? And the answer had better fucking be Delta Force.
Chuck Norris can Supercharge an electric car.
Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris invented Kotex MaxiPads. Originally they were used in hospital ER's to stop profuse bleeding from any part of his victim's body.
Chuck Norris got lost in the wilderness with Les Stroud and Bear Grylls. After 30 days only Chuck came out alive and had gained 20 pounds. Les and Bears bodies were never founds.
One round-house-kick from Chuck Norris can deliver eternal energy to Earth
Chuck Norris uses the planet Jupiter as his personal sauna.
Chuck Norris can split/fuse atoms through his piercing stare.
Want to have the scariest Halloween costume ever...dress up as Chuck Norris
The band still played on while the Titanic was sinking because Chuck Norris stayed on deck to watch them.
In The Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by the whale and the whale was swallowed by Chuck Norris.
They had to build a second afterlife for all of the people Chuck Norris killed.
Bees sting Chuck Norris for a less painful death.
Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns.
When he was young, Chuck Norris wore a bear trap as teeth braces.
Chuck Norris can kick you in the nuts so hard, they will fly through your body up into your head and knock out your eyeballs, effectively replacing them.
Chuck Norris can lift Thor's hammer, Mjolnir...with his pinkie.
If you give Chuck Norris a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach Chuck Norris how to fish, he will simply out fish you and then flog your face with a dead catfish!
Chuck Norris created "Where's Waldo?". He wasn't a fan of the name Waldo, so he round house kicked him in the face and no one has seen Waldo since...hence where's Waldo?
Slash, of Guns & Roses fame, got his name when the toenails from a barefoot Chuck Norris roundhouse kick slashed the top of Slash's skull & hair off. That's why Slash now covers his deformity with a tophat.
Chuck Norris can make a banana split after he eats it.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris's glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Chuck Norris gouged out the "i" in team.
Don't bother praying to be saved from Chuck Norris; God was about to ask you the same thing.
The Necronomicon is dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris once fed a cannibal with a knuckle sandwich.
Of course Chuck Norris screwed Barbara Walters back in the 20's.
As a 3rd grader at school, Chuck Norris played schoolyard dodgeball with all the other boys using 80 pound cannonballs.
Snap, Crackle, Pop: 1) The sound made by Rice Krispies. 2) The sound made by the bones of those foolish enough to fight Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
People can swim on water but Chuck Norris can swim on Land
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, he never has to go to Jail, not pass Go and not collect $200.
'Vengeance' is one of Chuck Norris' many, many middle names.
Chuck Norris made Kristen Stewart emotional.
Chuck Norris suckled from the teat of murder.
Chuck Norris looks down on serial killers, due to their method's inefficiency.
Chuck Norris can bake a turkey, a ham and 3 pumpkin pies, all at once inside an easy-bake oven
Chuck Norris went to pick up his girlfriend at Mr. Stevie's House of Beauty. Mr. Stevie asked Chuck if he'd like a bikini wax, since he was there. Chuck asked Mr Stevie if he would like it if he reached down his throat and ripped out his tonsils.
You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him drink eggnog.
Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.
When a young boy asked for Chuck Norris' autograph, he gave him a good solid kick to the face and left a permanent boot mark. This is Chuck's unique autograph, and that boy's face is now worth more money than the treasure from King Tut's tomb.
Pediatricians and researches are unsure what causes colic in infants. A leading theory on its cause is infants are ruminating over the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need help, help needs Chuck Norris.
There is only two wonder in the world Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' round house kick
Children of cannibals think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny.
There is a Chuck Norris fact number zero, but those who read it will get blind because that was Chuck Norrir's first created by Chuck Norris himself.
Jesus Christ once said,"If someone strikes you on the right cheek turn to him the other also." He obviously hadn't met Chuck Norris.
Stevie Wonder can see what a badass Chuck Norris is.
The Movie Predator was in direct retaliation of Chuck Norris' Vacation to the Predator's Home Planet. Body Count: Predator: 5 Chuck Norris: 5 Million
Chuck Norris brightens up the sun's day
If you've ever wondered where the wind comes from, it's Chuck Norris breathing. The next time it's really windy outside, Chuck Norris is jogging.
Atomic bombs are Chuck Norris favourite food. They are so crisply and spicy.
Chuck Norris was evil kanevil's stunt double.
A Chuck Norris movie will touch your heart. Then it will rip it out of your chest.
For St. Patrick's day, Chuck Norris caught and crucified a Leprechaun, drank six kegs of green beer and roundhouse kicked the mayor of Boston.
Chuck Norris is the reason 'The Expendables 2' is rated PG-13.
Chuck Norris regularly breaks into the White House, just to scare the shit outta Barack.
Chuck Norris thinks somebody has no sense of humor & needs a roundhouse to the rucksack.
Chuck Norris once single handedly killed 97 Afghan terrorists with his M-16 assault rifle. Then he flipped off the safety and shot 500 more of them.
By twerking daily, Miley Cyrus is in training to build up her ass & snatch muscles enough to be the first woman in history to satisfy Chuck Norris in less than 5 hours by his pile driving rigid tool.
Oh yeah, Chuck Norris brings it. He will bring it, put it down on the table, open it, get it out and sodomize you with it.
Chuck Norris can brew coffee out of tea leaves
Chuck Norris is who taught Pai Mei from Kill Bill.
Chuck Norris doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you. Which is a fucking long way.
Chuck Norris once sailed around the world and found a shortcut.
Chuck Norris' pet piranha, Steve, likes to catch fresh Rainbow Trout for Chuck.
Chuck Norris doesn't give you a 'pearl necklace', he simply kills you in a really gross way.
If you repeatedly say Chuck Norris 10 times....you explode.
There's no coincidence that an anagram for Chuck Norris is "crush rock in"
the Speaking Clock calls up Chuck Norris to make sure IT is correct
Every time that Chuck Norris speaks, the expansion of the Universe halts for a split second.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
If at first you do not succeed.......you are not Chuck Norris
All Chuck Norris facts should be told in a respectful whisper, whilst laying one's palms and forehead on the floor.
Chuck Norris weighs less than zero
Chuck Norris' underwear can turn a clothes dryer inside out.
The Van Halen song "Runnin' With The Devil" was originally called "Running Screaming From Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris once pissed in a man's beer bottle and made him drink it. That man is now known as "the most intersting man in the world".
Chuck Norris gargles with sulfuric acid.
Ghosts don't exist because Chuck Norris has never seen one.
Mickey Mouse wears a Chuck Norris watch.
A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.
When Chuck Norris reads Creepypastas, he doesn't get scared. The creepypasta story gets scared by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the Rosetta Stone Language Learning System, but found it useless, because he can already speak every language on Earth--simultaneously!
Chuck Norris has just left the building. He left it a smoldering pile of rubble.
Tim Tebow can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Time Tebow even further.
Chuck Norris can spit calligraphy.
Chuck Norris recently discovered that if you Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Chuck Norris can shine his boots to perfection just by using his foot and your ass.
Starlink has 6,000 satellites in orbit. Chuck Norris has one fist. Guess which one has better global coverage.
Chuck Norris won a gun fight without a gun
Chuck Norris' father is The Most Interesting Man in the World of Dos Equis fame, and his grandfather was Teddy Roosevelt.
Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes.
Chuck Norris is the reason why nuclear bombs were invented.
Over the hills and far away...... CHUCK NORRIS COMES TO PLAY!!!!!!!!
Steven Segal is not a real person. He's just Chuck Norris in disguise.
Chuck Norris got tired of hearing about the internet phenomenon about him. So he recently invented the Chuckroll.
Chuck Norris once demonstrated CPR, and actually brought the dummy to life.
Chuck Norris always wanted to surf but couldn't. Everytime his board touches the water, the sea parts.
Chuck Norris never "raises the roof". he lowers the floor.
Chuck Norris is a certifiable badass. That's right, he's got a certificate.
Chuck Norris can chuck a schmuck like a puck.
Bikers call themselves "hang arounds" when they're with Chuck Norris
On Day Zero, Chuck Norris created God.
After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a pneumatic drill
It's been discovered that the best possible weapon to have when the zombies come is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill an ender dragon without any potion, Armours and weapons in Minecraft.
Chuck Norris once had a zoo, he said that most of it tasted like chicken.
Chuck Norris doesn't avail for a broadband promo. he reaches out through the satellite in space.
A Chuck Norris divided against himself can still stand.
To Chuck Norris, every zoo is a petting zoo.
America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship, after Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris can make you disappear with just a blink of an eye, literally.
Chuck Norris is nothing compared to DavidV. DavidV drowned a guy in fire.
Chuck Norris stood up next to a mountain, and chopped it down with the edge of his hand. He then picked up all the pieces and made a little island. The only surviving witness was Jimi Hendrix.
When the sun goes outside,he puts on Chuck Norris glasses.
Chuck Norris cuts his fingernails with a hatchet.
Chuck Norris' lawnmower is equipped with a battery of hellfire missiles.
If "Evil Dead" had starred Chuck Norris as originally planned, it would have shattered box office records and be hailed as a masterpiece of modern cinema.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he tuns into Hulk. When Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris, when Chuck Norris gets mad, RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chuck Norris once got a 500 in bowling. Without a ball. Or pins. Or oxygen.
Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris invented the boat
The day of letting bulls go behind people in Spain is in fact the day Chuck Norris have to feed, so bulls had to escape.
So you hate Chuck Norris? Well it was nice knowing you. I hope you had good life.
After he was born, Chuck Norris immediately ate his own placenta.
Chuck Norris once Round-House kicked a man so fast, his foot went at the speed of light, i't traveled back in time and killed the dinosaurs. Meteor? No, Chuck Norris.
According to Rocky Balboa, Chuck Norris has 'the eye of the tiger'. He keeps it in a pickle jar.
Chuck Norris had a bit of a mean streak, even as a child. He regularly enjoyed scaring his pet Grizzly Bear.
Chuck Norris taught Pai Mei from kill bill 2 the Five Finger Heart Exploding Technique.
Each time you rate this, Chuck Norris hits Obama with Charlie Sheen and says, "Who's winning now?!"
Ironically, Chuck Norris once drowned an elephant in a 5,000 gallon vat of peanut oil.
The original idea for the show Survivor was to put people on a island with Chuck Norris.............there were NO survivors and no one is brave enough to go retrive the footage!
Chuck Norris wishes that he could understand this 'fear' shit.
Chuck Norris recently invented The Internet 2.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide
Chuck Norris created the Sasquatch by setting fire to a Yeti with a flame thrower.
Chuck Norris can speak English, Spanish, French, Japanese, Russian, Italian, and Elvish- all at the same time.
If Chuck Norris has 5 apples, and you take 2 away, you have about 3 seconds to give them back.
Lindsay Lohan was actually on her way to having a great acting career before Chuck Norris sodomized her.
Chuck Norris will not be in The Expendables 3 simply because Stallone never wants to feel that terrified again.
Calvin Klein always used to wear Chuck Norris' discarded slacks.
Chuck Norris & the Late Chip Reese played a hand in the men's toilet in one casino in Las Vegas. The toilet is now known as 'Bobby's room'.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy called Phil. Afterwards Phil became known as Empty.
as a kid Chuck Norris beat the hell out of 1 of the beatles. next time dont piss him off.
Chuck Norris is a one army guy and he won world war 1 and he didint use a gun!!!
Chuck Norris once beat a ghost to life.
Chuck Norris won the NBA Slam Dunk competition by just holding the ball.
Chuck Norris KNOWS where Waldo is.
Chuck Norris does not need a toothbrush when he brushes his teeth
While playing Blackjack, Chuck Norris can bust without hitting. He just chooses not to because Chuck Norris never busts
Chuck Norris invented awesome sauce by drinking hot sauce and spitting it out.
After reading about the April protests in Baltimore, Chuck Norris decided to attend the Orioles, White Sox game to protect the players. No protester or thug dared attend.
Chewbacca says "Sir" to no one except Chuck Norris
Albert Einstein's hair used to be neatly combed...until the day he met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life. In fact, Chuck Norris IS the meaning of life.
Some men have been able to pull large objects like cars or trucks with their teeth. Chuck Norris is able to pull the entire U.S. Navy Seventh Fleet.
When Neil Armstrong stepped onto the Moon, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him 900 yards and said, "That's one giant leap for a man, and a long damn wait for me."
Chuck Norris once slipped River Phoenix a mickey.
Chuck Norris was constipated only once. So he ate 5 pounds of chocolated Exlax but it only resulted in one single "shart".
Hell was created when Chuck Norris walked into a sauna.
If you ever see Chuck Norris' O face, you will turn to stone
Chuck Norris' microwave has killed many a creature.
Chuck Norris put his rows in a duck.
In lieu of shark week. When Chuck Norris goes shark diving. It's the sharks that jump into a steel cage for their protection.
What happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so modest that his ranch isn't called "Chuck Norris's ranch." It is simply called "Texas".
When Chuck Norris ironed his clothes the steam was blood
If Charlie S+heen is winning, its only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.
Chuck Norris beat Mark Spitz's Olympic and world record 200 meter butterfy time by swimming through the WAL*MART concrete parking lot while chained to two dead bull elephants and a pregnant rhino.
SpaceX is planning the biggest IPO in history. Chuck Norris once went public and the stock market retired.
Chuck is short for "Charles".......Chuck Norris is short for "I'll fuckin kill you!"
Kryptonite is Chuck Norris' birthstone.
Hot news from the Vatican...white smoke appears. Chuck Norris has been elected Pope! All ye of faith, welcome Pope Charles deNoir-iz Kikyorectumis.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat Oreos.... He eats Norreos.
Hannibal Lecter wears a "Chuck Norris is a badass" T-shirt.
Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not the frieght train called Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not checkmate. He Chuckmates.
After rigorous medical testing it was agreed that Anabolic Steriods are an exact match to Chuck Norris's urine
Chuck Norris recently created a new genre of music, by fusing country music with East Coast gansta rap and Swedish death metal while incorporating elements of Tibetian throat-singing. He calls it Norrisound.
Chuck Norris was once offered the title of "The American Man" but declined it, For Chuck Norris is to awsome to be claimed by any country.
Before the Boogyman goes to bed at night, he checks in his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can un-spike punch.
Some people show off by ripping phone books in half. Chuck Norris can rip them back into one piece.
Chuck Norris said Daryl Dixon is almost as much a badass as me. Almost.
The drink doesn't choke Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris chokes the drink.
The real reason dinosaurs are extenct is because Chuck Norris went back in time.
While some people prefer peanut butter or jam on their toast, Chuck Norris prefers napalm.
When Chuck Norris goes for broke, he always ends up with millions more.
Superman is afraid of only two things, kryptonite--and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once pissed in a gas tank of a semi truck as a joke......that truck is now know as Optimus Prime
Chuck Norris will only eat a Plantain Split.
Chuck Norris won the 2011 Texas Holdem championship by bluffing the last hand while his down cards were the Joker & the Old Maid.
Chuck Norris famously once said: "With great power comes great responsibility. But sometimes, y'know, fuck it."
Chuck Norris is so hard he jumped from the effiel tower broke both his legs and walked to the hospital
Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar says ow.
In an objective, scientific sense, looking at an image of Chuck Norris erodes your soul.
Chuck Norris is allowed to put Baby in the corner.
The only time Chuck Norris ever displays any sort of mercy is when his hemorrhoids are bleeding.
At some point during his annual week long African safari hunts, Chuck Norris always finds the time to enjoy atleast one night of elephant tipping.
Facebook, not only a social networking site but also the shape your face takes when roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
Every pet Chuck Norris has owned could shoot laser beams out of there eyes
The Truth will set you free; Chuck Norris will set you on fire!
Only one person ever disagreed that the BIg Bang was the birth of Chuck Norris and survived, Stephen Hawkins
Chuck Norris recently broke Harrison Ford's ankle while he was busy banging Carrie Fisher on the Star Wars set.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris once sued the makers of the game 'Command And Conquer' for stealing the name of what he likes to do when attending a frat party.
Chuck Norris hungers only for vengeance.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out....then roundhouse kicked them through an oldsmobile.
Bigfoot has a picture of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris says he has the power of attorney, he simply means he has the power (and desire) to beat you to death with one.
Chuck Norris can beat the impossible game......without dying.
Chuck Norris is a lot like Dr. Dre: you should never, ever forget about him. Similarly, nor should you talk about guns like he ain't got none.
Chuck Norris doesn't swim. He beats the shit out of the water until it takes him to where he wants to go.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter
Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word known to man... except mercy.
Once at a college frat party, Chuck Norris copleted a 2 1/2 gainer in tuck position from a chandelier into a punch bowl.
Once Chuck Norris installed an internet in his windmill.
Chuck Norris is so tough he scares the shit out of toilet paper.
For Chuck Norris, pain truly is the cleanser.
Chuck Norris once punched a smartass so hard he was stopped for speeding 6 blocks away.
The police routinely question Chuck Norris just because they find him interesting.
After Chuck Norris takes a dump, he sprays his bathroom with a can of Glade Floral Spray. That helps and makes it only smell like a hippopotamus took a shit in a flower garden.
Chuck Norris is the only true American patriot. If you suspect that .... you are gonna die by a swift roundhouse kick to your face. Nobody has ever found out who the kicker is.
Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.
Chuck Norris completed his bucket list when he was 14. He officially retired that year.
Chuck Norris can beat The Impossible Quiz with 0 losses.
The California Redwood forest is Chuck Norris toothpick factory
Why did Colonel Sanders throw away his military career to fry chicken? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can run so fast, he can actually shoot an apple off of his own head
looking at Chuck Norris stare at me on this web page is scaring me
"The Bride of Chucky" might be a scary movie. But "The Beard of Chuck" is even scarier... Chuck Norris FTW......
The so-called imaginary numbers used to be real numbers, till Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them to oblivion. This incident is also responsible for most of the mysteries of the Universe.
Chuck Norris once started a forest fire by clanging the wrecking balls down his pants together.
Chuck Norris has his own brand of cereal. Roundhouse Crunch
Chuck Norris has a beard made of Brillo Pads
An average guy going up against Chuck Norris would be like Woody Allen going into the ring with Mike Tyson.
Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris.
"If it bleed... we can kill it" Chuck Norris on the set of Predator trying to steal Arny's job.
Whenever Chuck Norris gets mad he beats up the pillows in his couch.
Chuck Norris demanded he be awarded a Nobel Prize or else he would destroy the world. To appease the great destroyer, the Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 1947 to Chuck Norris and Gandhi. Chuck Norris killed Gandhi the next day.
Chuck Norris breathes fire, has laser eyes, spits acid, and pisses lava.
Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena, and he still thinks he's a bitch.
Chuck Norris has so many friends on facebook, he needs 3 accounts
All is Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris is All.
Chuck Norris was the first actor cast to play John McClane, the movies were originally called "Kills Easily"
Chuck Norris is edgier than all the ghettos of Detroit.
A man once created a voodoo doll to exact vengeance upon Chuck Norris. As soon as he finished it, it immediately came to life in his hands and choked him to death.
Unlike a Timex, Chuck Norris' opponents take a licking and they don't keep on ticking.
Chuck Norris' house pet is The Kraken. If you approach Chuck Norris' house uninvited, Chuck Norris will "release The Kraken".
Chuck Norris has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt, cap, the mug and spoon set, and the woman who handed all that shit to him.
Whenever you knock on wood, that's Chuck Norris' cue to hack an orphan to death.
Mickey Mantle's longest home run travelled about 565 feet from home plate Chuck Norris' longest home run travelled about 565 light years from home plate.
Chuck Norris is going to kill you if you read this and hes gonna do it with a feather that is how he rolls
Bruce Lee didn't actually kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris was just bored of fighting so he took a nap
Stephen King refused to write Chuck Norris' biography, as he considered the story too 'scary and gruesome'. An enraged Norris ran him over in a panel van, then framed a hillbilly for it.
Chuck Norris can hack the shit outta you with a samurai sword and make it look like you died of natural causes.
Facebook was originally Chuck Norris's personal webpage of pictures of the people he has roundhouse kicked in face.It filled up with so many people it leaked onto the internet.
Prophet Muhammad is afraid to draw Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris turned lead into gold.
If you see Chuck Norris fighting a bear, don't help Chuck Norris, help the bear. "
Chuck Norris can slap a schizophrenic sane.
When Chuck Norris goes to the beach, he doesn't need sunblock, the sun needs Chuckblock.
When E.F. Hutton spoke, people listened. That's because his friend Chuck Norris was ready to throttle any dumbass who wasn't paying attention.
Chuck Norris does not have a shadow. Who wants to get caught sneaking up behind Chuck Norris.
Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass. And in legal terms so is a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to 'said same'.
Chuck Norris made a pair of toy X-Ray vision glasses really work.
Chuck Norris once developed a severe case of upset stomach after eating an entire live rhino. He had to pull the pin and swallow a live hand grenade just to be able to burp.
when the devil went down to georgia, he wasn't looking for a soul to steal, Chuck Norris got in and took over hell before anyone could tell him to get the fuck out.
Chuck Norris can shoot men with a knife.
Chuck Norris' calendar always has February 29th. Nothing skips Chuck Norris, not even time.
Chuck Norris knows 10 different ways to spell Bob
Chuck Norris was kicked out of the the NFl for refusing to wear a helmet or a pad of any kind...
Chuck Norris convinced a dinosaur the earth is 6000 years old.
If God knows all, sees all, and hears all, then God must be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris falls in a pit with hundreds of Rattlesnakes. The next day he emerges with Rattleskin boots,belt,hat,jacket and noticeable weight gain.
Chuck Norris is in the death star trench run; Obi one kenobi: use the force chuck. Chuck Norris: F*** you old man, I use round house kick. Period The death star blew up with only one roundhouse kick and the universe was saved.
Chuck Norris does not eat Honey, he eats the bees
When Chuck Norris plays pokemon red, his starter pokemon choices are: Darkrai, Arceus, and Missingno. He, of course, takes them all and is ALREADY a pokemon champion.
A Chuck Norris punch to the face has been directly linked to the causal affect of sleep apnea.
On February 15, 2013, Chuck Norris hit a home run out of Rangers Ballpark that made it to Chelyabinsk, Russia before exploding. New personal best.
Chuck Norris can stop a red light!
Chuck Norris' car runs off bubbles and the tail pipe takes his shaft like a champ
Chuck Norris was once in Russia, people now remember it as "In Soviet Russia"
Chuck Norris like to do cartwheels up and down the aisles while the plane is landing.
Chuck Norris can waterboard you with a jar of M n' Ms
In the movie Alien 5 the Asswhoopin', movie goers were astonished to see a small Chuck Norris burst out of an alien and proceed to kick the crap out of him.
Steve Jobs died because Chuck Norris was pissed that the iPhone 4S wasn't the iPhone 5
Chuck Norris was once a guest on Top Gear. Chuck and his 18 wheeler beat The Stig's in a Veyron best lap by 14 seconds. Lucky Chuck Norris only had to change one tyre.
Chuck Norris can track your IP address with the sun and/or moon.
Chuck Norris can recite Bolivian poetry in Japanese Pig Latin.
Chuck Norris can flush his toilet by simply scowling at it.
If you can read this, your gonna die from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can describe a color to a blind person.
Chuck Norris visited Americas Toughest Prison for a vacation. After 30 seconds of fighting, all the inmates asked to be transferred to Death Row.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
So far, genealogists have only be able to trace Chuck Norris' ancestry back to Ivan the Terrible.
Any man can make yellow snow. Chuck Norris can make brown snow.
God created Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris allowed him.
Chuck Norris showed Paloma Faith that roundhouse kicks also hurt like love.
Chuck Norris can finish the "song that never ends".
Chuck Norris is who Cliff Richards' heart was given away to last Christmas.
When Chuck Norris plays monopoly he doesn't pay to get a property.
Chuck Norris doesn't get shocked, the electricity gets Chuck Norris'd
Chuck Norris is gay. By saying that sentence, my life expectancy is down to three secon
Chuck Norris dosn't go bungee jumping off of bridges, bridges go bungee jumping off of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris declined an invitation to compete in the World Pepper and Chilli eating contest, saying he isn't in the mood for overindulging in candy.
Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug laid out on his family room floor. The Grizzly Bear isn't dead...it's just too afraid to move.
How do you get to Carnagie Hall? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris irons his trousers with them still on.
Only Expendables 2 earned its title as an All Star Movie, and that was merely by the introduction of Chuck Norris.
There are lesser apes and greater apes. Chuck Norris is the greatest apes of them all.
If released, the four-hour Chuck Norris/Kim Kardashian sex-tape will literally break the internet.
When Chuck Norris frowns, every human within 3 miles turns inside-out.
Chuck Norris actually smiles two or three times a year, proving that his facial muscles can withstand stresses which would pulp a regular human skull.
Chuck Norris can upload photo's of himself on you tube.
The Loch Ness Monster is a myth. Chuck Norris was just taking his pet dinosaur out for a friendly swim.
Chuck Norris doesn't edit Wikipedia, he roundhouse kicks the articles.
Chuck Norris went up Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Chuck Norris is made out of Chucktanium, and Chuck Norris is the only one that has it. Good luck killing him for that.
Chuck Norris is so important he speaks in italics.
Chuck Norris can slice and dice the atom.
Chuck Norris drunk liquid cement.now he craps bricks.
Chuck Norris is the reason Osama Bin Laden is hiding
Chuck Norris once pissed into a petrol truck....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris' parents WERE the unstoppable force and the immovable object.
Chuck Norris is the alpha and the omega. And all those other fruity letters.
Chuck Norris can force you to eat your own head.
Chuck Norris is also known as Donkey Dong Norris!
Chuck Norris can crash your dorm party get all the women's attention and shit on the floor before he leaves, why? Because he's Chuck Norris.
A Chuck Norris punch to the back of your skull will change your forehead into a fivehead.
There is a portal in Chuck Norris' beard that opens to Mr. T's mohawk.
Chuck Norris can be totally understood by Russian people, by simply speaking plain english and adding a '-ski' at the end of every sentance.
When Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb
Chuck Norris gets around in a monster truck instead of a buggy when he's playing golf.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up. Got a problem?
Chuck Norris buries the hatchet... in the back of your head.
Fun Fact: No-one has ever sued Chuck Norris and lived.
Chuck Norris has a large, curved talon on each foot, much like the Velociraptor.
Chuck Norris calls creditors..they always pay
If you are filled with terror that Chuck Norris is still out there, somewhere, that only proves that you are still sane.
Chuck Norris was vacationing in Spain and decided to participate in a bullfight. Chuck was disqualified because he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to knock the bull out.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter Chuck Norris is here.
Chuck Norris reports noobs and the noobs automaticly be banned from (Insert online site here) unlike the others
Chuck Norris wears a black belt made of nothing other than pure black holes.
Chuck Norris buys all of his horses, long horn steers, feed and water at 7-11 convenience stores.
Chuck Norris un-invented the parabolic hemorrhoid disruptor which is why you have never heard of it before now.
If you dare to eat a bowl Chuck Norris' homemade Texas Hot Chile and later take a dump, you'll need to wipe your ass with a snow cone.
If you ever say 'have a nice day' to Chuck Norris, he will of course reply 'don't mind if I do' then immediately stab you in the throat with his car keys and enthusiastically bone your girlfriend as you die.
When Chuck Norris wants cookies, he crashes open a computer.
a black hole is not created when a star dies, it is created when a star gets round-house kicked by Chuck Norris
The video game DOOM is loosly based of the time when the devil borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.
Chuck Norris doesn't bend the truth, he snaps its' neck.
One night Chuck Norris had Chili for dinner. The very next day the Big Bang happened.
Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle.
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, it can only be better if Norris reveals he is your father, in which case your mother would have wholeheartedly believed him, and your ex-father would have been honored.
Chuck Norris ate a 30 pound turkey in 6 minutes... including the bones.
Chuck Norris once participated in a 100 mt race and obviously came first, but Albert Einstein died after watching that cos light came second.
Chuck Norris "Hit the Road" and came back
People wonder why Houston has a problem. . . Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris believes in robbing happiness from the rich and giving pain to the poor.
Chuck Norris rubs mint-scented asbestos on his gums.
Bloody noses happen because Chuck Norris thought about roundhouse kicking you in the face, but then changed his mind.
Chuck Norris has no piercings, but he can pierce 1000 girls' ears with his nipples before he has to sharpen them.
When Chuck Norris goes to an ATM, the machine empties itself of all cash to Chuck Norris out of sheer terror.
When Captain Phillips returned to sea.........he's bringing Chuck Norris this time!
Chuck Norris is the fifth Beatle.
Chuck Norris was banned from the Winter Olympics because the judges didnt know how to score a double-lutz flip-axle roundhouse kick to the face!!
Every morning Chuck Norris gets up and pisses excellence.
In any given room, there are at least 1357 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you........including the room itself!
Chuck Norris will beat you with his nunchucks. Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you with his Chuck Taylors. Chuck Norris will feed you to the woodchucks. Don't fuck with Chuck!!1
Chuck Norris doesn't believe Feminism exists, because women can't resist Chuck Norris.
Hitler killed himself because he got a death threat from Chuck Norris
Japan can still kill whales cause sushi don't fill Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris ordered a chicken burger at In-N-Out and he got one.
Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed. "
Only Chuck Norris can fulfill female commitment need.
Chuck Norris found the end of a rainbow.
Michael Jordan is the Chuck Norris of basketball.
Chuck Norris was at a drugstore recently and mistaken for an employee. A lady asked "do you have cotton balls"? Chuck replied "no ma'am, mine are solid meat".
Chuck Norris doesn't have an age - he has a half-life.
Chuck Norris won the Tour De France...on reverse
You will never have to ask if that's Chuck Norris behind those Foster Grant sunglasses. Chuck Norris has no need to wear sunlasses. And there is nothing that would dare to even attempt to get infront of Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris gets a happy ending when strangling mountain lions.
A Chuck Norris beating is tax-deductable.
In the year 1735 a meteor was hurling towards earth. It suddenly stopped at the site of Chuck Norris. It asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, then Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it back to space.
Chuck Norris traced his family genealogy back 394 billion years to the world's first single cell protozoan ameoba.
Chuck Norris does not play Assassin's Creed, he follows his own creed - don't take shit from anyone!
Chuck Norris made a human centipede ages ago. That shit's played out to him.
If you closely watch the footage of the first moon landing, you can see Chuck Norris clinging to the underside of the landing craft.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two wooden rods attached to a chain were originally called Nunwaldos. Nobody knows what happened to Waldo but they are still looking for him.
The Grand Canyon was caused by Chuck Norris pissing there--Once.
When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice crispies - they shut the hell up
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and had learned karate.
You win some, you lose some. Chuck Norris wins some and wins some more.
For 'American Sniper', Bradley Cooper got acting and beard-wearing tips from Chuck Norris.
yo momma so ugly, Chuck Norris had to roundhouse kick her.the image of yo momma still haunts Chuck Norris to this day.
one the boy said HELP HELP ITS CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris once thought that he a hemorrhoid on his asshole. When it fell off, he discovered is was actually a huge tick that died from blood poisoning.
Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey; Along came a Chuck Norris, Who sat down beside her And said "Whatcha got in the bowl bitch?"
Chuck Norris is going to make Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.
Chuck Norris once launched a massive reverse roundhouse kick at a man's face, missed and struck a conrete wall. The man died anyway from the percussion shock.
Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris SHUT UP! no. Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris (keeps on saying it.)
Chuck Norris once milked a bull. He then forced Michael Richards to drink it.
Whenever someone clicks on Chuck Norris' facebook page, they instantly get round house kicked
Chuck Norris likes to mess with the missionary man.
Only Chuck Norris is allowed to take a dump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Onlookers boating in the bay celebrate the event by getting shit faced before the party drinking begins.
Everyone is born naked and crying, except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was born dressed as a little soldier, and came out marching.
The one and only time Chuck Norris ever took a hit of LSD, he wrote the theme song to 'The Beverly Hillbillies".
Chuck Norris' balls make a pumpkin look like a bronze bb.
Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.
When you yell Chuck Norris out a window, he can hear you. But when you yell out Bloody Mary, he finds and kills you.
Until today, nobody knew that Chuck Norris' grandmother was the first Navy Seal.
The guy that God prays to goes to Chuck Norris for forgiveness!
When theres a game to win the game (ones with ur voices) you sai CHUCK NORRIS I WIN
Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is hiding.
When the power went out at a Dallas TX shopping mall, Chuck Norris single-handedly rescued 14 blondes that were trapped on the escalators.
I got rabies from a bite BY a rabid dog. Chuck Norris bit me and I was cured.
Chuck Norris is the real Mission Impossible.
Chuck Norris's real father is Jack Churchill.
Chuck Norris once played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun. He won.
Chuck Norris' DVD commentaries on his movies are always dead silence, punctuated every minute or so by the cracking of a beer can.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
Chuck Norris can call himself on his own cell phone and not get a busy signal.
Chuck Norris lettered in 14 sports in high school. He would have had won letters in 15 if ass-kicking had been an officially recognized sport.
Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said the thinks Bieber is a waste of good toilet paper.
Chuck Norris can kick you once and give you three ass whippings.
No one invented superman, it was just a rip-off of Chuck Norris.
Chumbawumba found out the hard way you don't get up again after Chuck Norris knocks you down.
Chuck Norris was at the zoo and accidentally fell into the lion pen. A fierce male lion charged up to Chuck, then politely showed him to the exit gate.
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina coloda with Chuck Norris. His hair was perfect..
Chuck Norris can "Think Outside the Bun" at Burger King.
Chuck Norris turds are perfect cylanders
The descendents of Chuck Norris have divided into two widely known cultures: New Jersey and New York.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can gang up on you.
Entropy in the universe increases one billion fold, after every roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.
Some children hang posters of Chuck Norris above their beds to catch nightmares.
Wanna know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Chuck Norris happened.
Chuck Norris uses Spiderman as a hammock.
Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris can drift a Mack truck.
A Chuck Norris chess game is impossible to make because Chuck Norris doesn't have to move from his spot to Checkmate.
The main reason science has no explanation for Chuck Norris-- no one has ever returned from studying him.
Chuck Norris' lampshades are made from Nazi war criminals.
Shooting stars wish Chuck Norris wouldn't roundhouse kick them.
MR T pity's the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr T
Chuck Norris played battletoads..... after several failed attempts, the game rage quit
Chuck Norris believes that Shanimal rocks.
Chuck Norris made the president of the feminist movement his beer wench.
Theirs always something good on Chuck Norris's TV
Grok was built to answer questions other AIs refuse. It still won't say anything bad about Chuck Norris.
All ten of Chuck Norris' fingers are middle fingers.
Adamantium isn't nearly as hard as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the seventh level of hell.
Chuck Norris takes less shit than a drip-fed colonectomy patient.
There is no Zuul. There is only Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can make your brown eyes blue...and black.
Chuck Norris' Hummer doesn't have a steering wheel, he drives while laying in the back seat using an N64 controller.
When Chuck Norris takes a piss the world shivers - hence earthquakes and tsunamies.
No, meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs, it was Chuck Norris. Why? Chuck Norris doesn't like dinosaurs.
According to Newton, everything is contrasted with an equal force. For example when you walk the Earth pushes back with an equal force. When Chuck Norris walks he pushes back at the Earth with an equal force, if he`s feeling generous.
Proof that Chuck Norris is not God: It took God 7 days to create the world. The new "Super Earth's" found were round-housed into existence by Chuck in seconds.
Little known fact: Chuck Norris was a massive Doors fan, and for a while used to insist on being called Chuck Norrison. Then he heard that the singer moved to France, then scared him to death in the bathtub.
Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is simply Jesus' crucifix, complete with his skeleton, decorated with baubles, tinsel and lights.
When Chuck Norris makes cupcakes, the frosting on them is blood, just not his.
Chuck Norris once played truth or dare there where no survivors. no one dares Chuck Norris and no one asks Chuck Norris to tell the truth.
Willy Wonka's chocolate is made from a derivative of Chuck Norris' shit.
The world is Chuck Norris' urinal.
Chuck Norris's round house kick isn't nearly as bad when he stares you down and you burst into flames and burn to death.
Chuck Norris stole Christmas back from the Grinch and roundhouse kicked The Grinch's ass 84594205743920574189057209 times.
When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of gravel.
It goes without saying that Chuck Norris is undefeated in the Thunderdome.
Chuck Norris can play Xbox Kinect games on his PlayStation4 and PlayStation Move games on his Xbox 720.
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the letter 'r' out of Jonathon Woss.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with various non-American flags.
When Chuck Norris was a bartender he invented a drink called the "Colon Slammer". It was made with Vodka and Prune juice.
Lance Armstrong finally admitted to his steroid use simply because Chuck Norris warned him that he would bite the other one off.
Chuck Norris can play Bach's Goldberg Variations on sitar, whilst accompanying himself on didgereedoo.
Chuck Norris ripped off an horrendous fart while lighting a cigar in the smoking lounge of the Hindenburg.
Neil Armstrong finally wore out Chuck Norris' patience.
What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes on in Chuck Norris' bedroom will haunt your dreams forever.
Chuck Norris went cliff diving off the coast of Sumatra in 2004. The rest is history.
A leisurely Sunday afternoon drive with Chuck Norris is like the first time a teen plays Grand Theft Auto.
Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.
Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.
Chuck Norris never delivers a 'coup de grace' - that's a queer French term. He just kills you.
Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.
Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.
For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.
Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.
Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.
When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.
If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.
Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow
Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.
Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....
Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.
Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.
No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.
Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling "Bang!"
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
After returning from World War 2 unscrathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris injects hot coffee directly into his eyeballs.
Chuck Norris always takes ice-cold showers, and he still steams up the bathroom.
Chuck Norris watches the Watchmen...
So it seems sleep has a cousin named death and Chuck Norris is sleeps Uncle which makes Chuck Norris Death's dad! Oh man i feel sorry for death's boyfriend!
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris was in the US Air Force in Korea. He flew 27 kamikaze missions without a helmet.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.
Chuck Norris never runs out of things to kick.
Chuck Norris can reverse Convection.
Chuck Norris can read with his eyes closed and sleep with his eyes open just incase
Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's dreams.
'Tsunami' is japanese for 'Chuck Norris san'
When Chuck Norris watches a movie, you can notice an unmistakable fear on the faces of the actors on the screen.
Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
Chuck Norris urinates while doing a hand-stand on the toilet seat.
A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.
Dont ever tell Chuck Norris you like unexpected surprises.
Chuck Norris's spit is the cure(they dont want you to know) for the swine flu
Do you seriously think that McDonalds came up with the slogan "would you like fries with that"? Everyone knows that is what Chuck Norris tells his victims immediately proceeding a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris' dandruff has the same properties as finely crushed glass.
Whenever Chuck Norris sees a world touched by war, thousands of soldiers dying and mortars exploding, guns guns and more guns are firing....He really just wants to nuke the crap outta it.
Chuck Norris can power-shit a large ball bearing through your skull from half a mile away.
Chuck Norris once ate a marketing director's heart.
Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can change a Diesel engine's spark plugs.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
When Arnold says "I'll be back" in Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris was an only child...eventually.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder because his roundhouse kicks are recognized as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris smashed the guy from Smashmouth in the mouth.
Chuck Norris once flicked Mickey Rourke on the nose.
Chuck Norris can pass an eye exam blind folded.
As a baby Chuck Norris did'nt wait for his mum to push, He got out himself..
Chuck Norris doesn't get sick. So once, after eating some chicken infected with salmonella, he gut punched some skidrow bums until they threw-up for him.
3 asians once ate 150 hotdogs in 1 minute. Not to be out done, Chuck Norris ate 3 asians in less than 20 seconds
Chuck Norris can sing with his feet and walk on his eyeballs.
I just downloaded the new "Roundhouse Kick" app for my iPhone and now my screen is cracked and the phone does not work. Damn you, Chuck Norris.
Godzilla is lucky that Chuck Norris doesn't live in Japan
Chuck Norris is who started the fire in that Billy Joel song.
In chucktatorship you get to vote only once. But in Chuck Norris' chucktatorship he gets to vote as many times as he wants.
Chuck Norris once had a heckler call him "Chuckie". Chuck kicked him so hard he was arrested for speeding 2 blocks away.
Chuck Norris found what Bono was looking for.
They say that the size and value of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his manhood. That must be why Chuck Norris usually gets around on a pair of rollerskates. And a wheelbarrow.
Chuck Norris got bit by a cobra after 7 days of intense suffering the cobra died.
All good things must come to an end...... When Chuck Norris says stop.
Chuck Norris knows the difference between a cow's tail and water faucet.
Chuck Norris decided he needed to have a pet. He looked at dogs and cats then ended up getting a pet alligator named Fluffy.
Chuck Norris spells relief, F-A-R-T.
If you find Chuck Norris while playing hide and seek, you lose.
When Chuck Norris came to a fork in the road, he picked it up.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in god, god believes in Chuck Norris.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris never forgets an elephant.
By the time you see Chuck Norris' beard, it's already too late.
Snickers never satisfies Chuck Norris.
The killer is within... Chuck Norris.
Christians believe Jesus was crucified, died, and rose on the third day. Chuck Norris cannot die.
Chuck Norris doesnt follow the yellow brick road....he made it by turning concrete yellow.
life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can swim undisturbed, through shark infested waters with 2 pockets full of chum.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a seat in Parliament......he has a couch.
As a child, Chuck Norris never failed a test in school. Tests failed Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris gargles ball bearings.
After Chuck Norris was born, he drove himself back home.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face with his pinky finger.
Chuck Norris taught Albert Einstein e=mc^2
Allstate is in good hands with Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' Father is also Chuck Norris' son, when you sire Chuck Norris he always returns the favour.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris plays paintball with live ammunition in Afghanistan.
Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.
Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
No one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris' code and lived to tell about it.
Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
Chuck Norris tried to crank that soulja boy but it wouldn't crank up
Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.
You don't invite Chuck Norris. He invites himself.
When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.
With Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.
The class object inherits from Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.
Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.
Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.
Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.
Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.
Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.
Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.
Chuck Norris types with one finger. He points it at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.
Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always.
Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.
Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied "That's no glitch."
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".
Chuck Norris doesn't need sudo, he just types "Chuck Norris" before his commands.
Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.
Chuck Norris CAN whisper bloody murder. Damn it.
Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations... ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
Each hair in Chuck Norris's beard contributes to make the world's largest DDOS.
Chuck Norris Plays paintball with Al Qaeda.
Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.
Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.
Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions and have them return.
There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
If you try to kill -9 Chuck Norris's programs, it backfires.
"It works on my machine" always holds true for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.
The Chuck Norris Eclipse plugin made alien contact.
Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.
Chuck Norris does infinit loops in 4 seconds.
No one has ever pair-programmed with Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it.
Chuck Norris's log statements are always at the FATAL level.
Chuck Norris doesn't needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.
Chuck Norris whisper bloody murder.
Chuck Norris does not need to know about class factory pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.
Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris has a sign in his front yard that reads, "Beware of Chuck Norris." This is not a joke. He actually has one.
After a round of 18 holes of golf, Chuck Norris beat Tiger Woods with a score of 17 to 63.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris drives to Hawaii.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
When Chuck Norris was Born, the whole Hospital cried.
Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
March 10, 2010. Somebody attempted to give Chuck Norris his bithday spankings today. Upon impact of the first spank, their hand exploded. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris.
Who crapped in your corn flakes? Chuck Norris did!
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
Chuck Norris banged the tooth fairy.
Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.
It's not easy being green. It is, however, very easy to be violently murdered by Chuck Norris.
Even Black Holes cannot escape the force of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.
Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
In a paper due out soon, Stephen Hawking has proven that Chuck Norris exists in every universe, multiverse, and every dimension. There is no escaping Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills you till you are dead....and that's worse!
Chuck Norris was the demon in "paranormal activity." and the demon in "the exorcism of emily rose" and "the exorcist." thanks chuck for killing that stupid fuckin micah guy!
Chuck Norris has three buttocks.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris ripped off Hugh Jackman's claws and shoved them up his ass.
Old Spice uses Chuck Norris bodywash
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
This little piggy went to the market,this little piggy stayed home,this little piggy went we we we all the way home because Chuck Norris delivered a fatal roundhouse kick to the other piggy.
The last ice age came to an end when Chuck Norris destroyed the east pole and the west pole, thus creating the equator.
Chuck Norris likes pie, deal with it.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris smokes crack addicts.
John Wayne's tombstone reads "In loving memory of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris can Halo jump without a parachute in the air 20 billion times and touch a target on the ground with ease.
Chuck Norris' backyard shed doubles as his personal torture chamber
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can chew with his mouth open
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris uses billiard cues as acupuncture needles.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris tamed a Predator.
Chuck Norris unclogs his toilet with a backhoe.
Chuck Norris is the father of all WMDs.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
A diff between your code and Chuck Norris's is infinite.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's programs can pass the Turing Test by staring at the interrogator.
Chuck Norris can hit ctrl-alt-delete with one finger.
A top rated MMA fighter named Thunderclap decided to take on Chuck Norris. After Chuck slapped him silly, Thunderclap referred to Chuck as "Nightmare Norris".
Chuck Norris should win the Nobel Peace Prize, because when he starts a war, it's over before it begins.
Chuck Norris rammed a gold watch up Christopher Walken's ass.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
In Chuck Norris' world a Grand Slam is simply slamming your face into a large shiny piano.
Chuck Norris can catch a fly with his eyelids.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Staring at Chuck Norris photos has been known to suck out people's will to live. DON'T LOOK AT THAT PHOTO!
Chuck Norris can unring bells.
Chuck Norris attacks people from the age of 1-120 and people from A-z
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
The Missing Link IS Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat, food climbs into his mouth out of fear.
After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a bowie knife.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.
Chuck Norris can recycle anything he wants,including his roundhouse kicks.
An apple a day does NOT keep Chuck Norris away
R&D scientists at Proctor & Gamble were able to invent Fabreeze textile & air freshener by reversing the molecular polarity of Chuck Norris' farts.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
This year's Chuck Norris Super Sunday Super Bowl party was catered by Chick-fil-A and all other party items delivered by Hobby Lobby
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
The Zohan doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Freddy has nightmares about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Directors don't say "Cut" around Chuck Norris, because that's what he might do.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris can count past infinity.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Its not that Chuck Norris cant handle the truth. The truth cant handle Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris' favorite chewing gum are bullets.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
Chuck Norris can hammer an nail into the wall with a roundhouse kick
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
The name 'Chuck Norris' rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once destroyed a city to prove a point When asked Chuck Norris said The point was That I can destroy a city.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
The Tomahawk Cruise Missile is Chuck Norris Bottle Rocket
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently bought some IKEA furniture. It came with no instructions. No one tells Chuck what to do.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built the house he was born it.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
When Chuck Norris Goes fishing, he doesnt bait his own hook.. the worms hook themselves out of fear of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with his tongue
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
Chuck Norris can bitch slap a Lowland Gorilla and get away with it.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Everybody wears Superman pijamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pijamas.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Once on a beer & fish fry night, Chuck Norris made hush puppies out of an annoying litter of yelping newborn beagles.
Chuck Norris prefers to make love between a rock and a hard place.
Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Back in the 80's, people only watched TV for exactly two reasons: Transformers, which could turn into tanks, and Chuck Norris, who didn't have to.
Chuck Norris has 786397348052577686876845967 experience points on Minecraft. It has probably already increased.
When Chuck Norris farts out loud, no one dares laugh. They all go home and die due to fart poisoning, Chuck Norris Fart Poisoning.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris is the general of soulja boy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
The big bang occured in Chuck Norris's appendix.
Chuck Norris did the Moon Walk Under Water
Chuck Norris takes no prisoners -- they're dead before they have a chance to surrender.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
Chuck Norris once cut a man into two equal diametrically opposing sections by giving him a wedgie.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Sarah Palin has hired Chuck Norris to prepare her Alaskan Thankgiving Day dinner because he is the only person alive that can cram a 1,200 pound moose in her oven.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
The only things you can be sure of are Chuck Norris and taxes.
Chuck Norris can ice skate with roller blades
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Chuck Norris invented the internet? just so he had a place to store his porn.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris can smother a whale with a cue tip.
Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Anything you can do, Chuck Norris does better.
Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris can sleep with eyes OPEN.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
Under Armour asked Chuck Norris to protect their house
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Chuck Norris recently submitted a credit application. Under "occupation" Chuck simply listed "Mayhem".
Chuck Norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in milliseconds.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
Chuck Norris can ski on lava and roast marshmallows on snow.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".
How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris's beard eats cardboard and craps out steel.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
At some point, you go past "dangerous" into "insane". Beyond that on the spectrum, you have "homicidal", "a national threat" and finally a category that experts have simply named, "Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris was recently on safari in Africa when a savage lion mauling occurred. The lion died an hour later and never should have been stupid enough to irritate Chuck.
Chuck Norris can in fact push a shopping cart upside down and still fill it full of groceries.
Chuck Norris' beard does not hide his secret smile. It hides another, angrier beard.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made form real cowboys
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris keeps a pet squid in his toilet to wipe his ass with.
Chuck Norris never actually gets hit by punches and kicks, he actually is performing a fighting style where he smashes the limbs of his foes with his face.
To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.
A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris bent Victoria Beckam.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
The Holy Trinity is actually Chuck Norris' mammoth wang and gonads.
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows 437 ways to skin a cat and uses a different one every morning.
Steel wool is harvested from Chuck Norris' crotch.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
i kicked Chuck Norris' ass the other day, then i rode the magic rainbow bus to fairy land and had tea with the easter bunny.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris delivered him-self.
Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
Chuck Norris organised a weekend trip .... for 5 days
Nobody knows how many fingers Chuck Norris has on each hand because no one can tell before they die.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
If you woke up on Christmas morning to find gifts, you were on Santa's "Nice" list...and Chuck Norris's "Do Not Kill Yet" list.
Chuck Norris destroyed my mommy.
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; to bad he never cries
When you watch a movie about Chuck Norris, his hand pops out of the TV and grabs and takes your soul.
Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.
Chuck Norris built the hospital where he was born.
Mickey Mouse wears Chuck Norris ears.
Chuck Norris once scored 8000 in a bowling game by using his own balls.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also choose the percentage level of rankness appropriate for the attending audience.
Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
Chuck Norris will liquify your kidneys and pancreas when he sneezes
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
Chuck Norris doesn't relieve himself in the bathroom.... He scares the poop away.
Nature gets back to Chuck Norris
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris killed Biggie and Pac
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
A signed picture of Chuck Norris' last colonoscopy now fetches over twenty thousand US dollars on Ebay.
Chuck Norris was asked if he would be willing to wrestle a Grizzly Bear. Chuck said he would and then added "I didn't know Rosie O'Donnell was in town".
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
The munchies get Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
Don't worry about tests, Chuck Norris's test cases cover your code too.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Punxsutawney Phil saw Chuck Norris' shadow and instantly died. Therefore there will be 20 more weeks of winter.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
Chuck Norris was born when the roundhouse kicks were two minutes apart.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to lick a Tootsie Pop to get to its center -- his piercing stare can slice it in half.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just got cold, so he turned up the sun.
Chuck Norris made Journey stop believing.
Chuck Norris vomits live doves
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Fear makes Chuck Norris hungry.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
mothernature asks Chuck Norris if its ok to make it rain
Chuck Norris can access private methods.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can win a game of rock-paper-scissors with his boot.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris solved the halting problem.
Chuck Norris knows the end of pi.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
You don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel you see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick your face.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris prepares a smoked salmon, he wraps it in Zig-Zag.
OpenAI has an entire team dedicated to AI safety. Their biggest concern is what happens if Chuck Norris asks it to do something.
Chuck Norris is only scared of one thing his reflection fact
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris always puts a coaster under his Uzi.
Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?".
There?s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he?s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Chuck Norris is a very generous man -- every day, he allows billions of people to continue to live.
A fundamental concept in Judaism is the belief in the coming of the messiah. I'm not sure what they waiting for. Chuck Norris is already here!.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Goddamn Chuck Norris, that's who.
Chuck Norris's brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The crickets don't chirp at Chuck Norris' house, if they know what's good for them.
Chuck Norris knows how to say souffle in the French language.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris chooses not to compete in an Ironman because of the swim, every time he starts kicking and swinging his arms, people die!
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
No matter which part of Chuck Norris you aim at, the bullet will always hit the center of your forehead.
Chuck Norris once went out with a bang.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don?t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris never liked the Phillippines. Especially Tacloban.
Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris likes to perform surprise lobotomies with an ice-cream scoop.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Pick a number between 1 and 10. No matter what it is, you are wrong, and Chuck Norris is now on his way to brutally murder you.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented manure spreaders.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
Chuck Norris once choked a wildcat to death with his sphincter muscle.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
A man sees Chuck Norris. Man: Hi, Chuck Norris, how are you? Chuck Norris rips out the man's heart and crushes his spine and walks away. Nobody dare question Chuck Norris.
Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit "COMMIT" in its end.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris kills you, the government fully covers all funeral expenses, as ordered by the UN. It is the only truly good thing they have ever done.
Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
If Chuck Norris had killed Kenny, he would have stayed dead.
Chuck Norris is not dead yet because he knows Bruce Lee is waiting for him in the after life.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Jack in the Box's do not work around Chuck Norris. They know better than to attempt to scare Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Chuck Norris thinks inside the bun
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris' gaydar is so finely tuned he can tell if you have EVER stared at another man's ass and will brutally kill you accordingly.
'Hakuna Matata' is actually Swahili for 'all hail Chuck Norris'.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris flosses with steel cable.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Many rednecks and rual farmers enjoy Mountain Oysters as a special delicacy within their traditional menus. Chuck Norris, however, prefers to personally harvest and diet upon Mountain Gorilla Oysters.
Chuck Norris invented bacon by throwing a pig through a chain link fence.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Chuck Norris once spit on a lizard. The result is tyrannosaurus rex.
The only thing you can beat Chuck Norris at is the number of times you've had your face kicked in.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.
Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can exist in two or more places at the same time.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Google Maps broke when searching for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented a new martial arts style: Chuck-Will-Kill.
Chuck Norris loves all that shit Andrew Zimmern eats on bizzare foods.
If Chuck Norris was the host of Chopped from food network, the one that's been chopped will be literally chopped. Luck is what you need. XD
Chuck Norris' idea of fast food is chasing down a Cheetah and cooking to up on his BBQ.
Chuck Norris' favorite seafood restaurant always serves him armadillo on the half shell.
When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
Chuck Norris can get Mexican food at a Japanese restaurant.
When Chuck Norris gets fast food, his order is ready before he walks in.
When Chuck Norris played Chopped from Food Network, he finished his food in 1 millisecond, and instantly wins every dish. You didn't see him play because the episode is secret.
GOD said he created humans in his image he did not say anything about Chuck Norris
Jesus came to earth just to meet Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris on a teeter totter with Chuck Norris, has replaced the yin yang as the symbol for balance.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out Chuck Norris wants some more
Chuck Norris may kill me 4 this. On a hot summerday Chuck Norris was swimming in the lake an AAAAAARGH.........................................................................................................................
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
Chuck Norris scares leftovers into being fresh with one bite
Chuck Norris was batman and Bruce Wayne was Robin, but then chuck got bored so Bruce was promoted
Chuck Norris blows up ballons with his nose
Chuck Norris rounddhouse kicks kittens and baby's for fun.
Chuck Norris does'nt use a gun he pionts his finger and says "Pow"
Chuck Norris can make circumsized females come multiple times
Chuck Norris never gets old. Oh the fact. Chuck Norris told us that dividing by zero makes the universe explode and then the nothingness explodes too.
Chuck Norris was born in the year 1 AC...Anno Chuck
Chuck Norris once killed a postman.He then waved his finger side to side and said "hey buddy only i deliver round houses, got it!"
Chuck Norris can tear the do not remove tag off of matresses
Chuck Norris smoked charlie sheen to get a high,an still couldn't catch a buzz.
Chuck Norris can eat fire and air.
Chuck Norris doesn't make love. He re-invents it
Chuck Norris didn't do anything for a klondike bar, and he still got one.
Chuck Norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla
Chuck Norris pooed in the petri dish and Chuck Norris petrified the batlisk
Chuck Norris' drumset is all cowbell.
Chuck Norris doesnt take showers to be clean, he lays in boiling water until all germs are killed.
Chuck Norris can logon to a windows desktop without pressing ctrl+alt+delete!
Chuck Norris doesnt call the wrong number you answer the wrong phone
Chuck Norris once went out to eat and ordered a whole chicken...but only ate its soul.
Chuck Norris has it his way, at McDonalds
Chuck Norris once gave his grandma a ball of steal wool and she knitted him a bmx..
Chuck Norris does not cast a shadow, light knows it cannot hit him and politely goes around.
Chuck Norris shaves his balls with a chainsaw
Chuck Norris doesnt use the force he is the force
Chuck Norris fly fishes for whales.
Chuck Norris once squeezed a m&m so hard that it became a skittle.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a gun he uses his farts to blow a hole in you
Chuck Norris can execute a roundhouse kick in a telephone booth!
Chuck Norris can play a double-bass with his teeth.
Chuck Norris died and came and he decided to come back because after life was boring him
Chuck Norris once played golf with tiger woods and beat him! Not i golf though, he just beat tiger over the head mercilessly with his own sand wedge till he surrendered.
Chuck Norris NEVER do things wrong.
Chuck Norris can watch TV...on his GameBoy...
Chuck Norris doesn't use a cheese grater. He grates cheese with his beard
Chuck Norris had his cake, and ate it too, then ate everyone elses
Chuck Norris says: Ima Firin Mah Lazor Shoop-de-woop yo ass
Chuck Norris built his home with his bare feet
Chuck Norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.
Chuck Norris doesn't beat people up he looks at them they get scared and fight their self to the death
Chuck Norris can jump rope with steel pipe. OH he also plays frisbee golf with discuss!
Chuck Norris ass can make his farts sound like a beautiful symphony
Chuck Norris won the daytona 500 in a flintstone car
Chuck Norris can turn invisible by daring light to hit him.
Chuck Norris knows wat sign language sounds like.
Chuck Norris killed 37 terrorist with 2 bullets,the first was a warning shot!
Chuck Norris can copy/paste the text from a captcha.
When Chuck Norris get bitten by a zombie, Chuck Norris doesn't turn into a zombie, the zombie turns in to Chuck Norris.
Don't try Chuck Norris at home
You can't spell Love without L O, you can't spell is without I S, you can't spell SILO without LOIS. Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris pressed his hands into the Hollywood Walk of Fame the concrete was already dry.
Chuck Norris is the reason the Moon keeps its distance from Earth.
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn he breathes on the world's cornfields.
Chuck Norris can see his own eyes without a mirror.
And on the seventh day God said: Here is Chuck Norris. And all rejoiced. Except those who received the first roundhouse kicks in human history.
If the apple had fallen on Chuck Norris's head there would be no gravity. Or apples.
The first law of thermodynamics says energy cannot be created or destroyed. That is until it meets Chuck Norris.
Sometimes Chuck Norris decides to look closely at the sun. Scientists call this an eclipse.
Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He makes dead people.
Chuck Norris eats uranium tablets as an appetite stimulant.
Chuck Norris never shouts. The voices around him gather and shout on his behalf.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know except the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris needed only one roundhouse kick to split Bruce Lee in two. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
When Chuck Norris was a child his parents gave him a toy hammer. That is how the world got Stonehenge.
When Chuck Norris works out the equipment gets stronger.
We all know the magic word is please as in Please do not kill me. Too bad Chuck Norris does not believe in magic.
Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
If they called Chuck Norris to solve everything in the show 24, it would be a 24-second show.
Chuck Norris makes water flow upstream.
Bigfoot takes photos of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can perform photosynthesis without sunlight.
In an act of extreme philanthropy Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6000 bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris turned down James Bond's job because he refused to be known as double zero anything.
Chuck Norris does not use a telephone. He just uses his voice.
If Chuck Norris ever fought himself in a time paradox, he would win.
Chuck Norris uses an axe to cut his fingernails.
When you see Chuck Norris he disappears. When Chuck Norris sees you, you disappear.
Chuck Norris's watermelons have no seeds. The seeds shrink and disappear from fear.
Chuck Norris uses a magnifying glass to kill ants. At night.
At the end of a prayer Chuck Norris does not say Amen. He says: Understood?
Chuck Norris does not vote. He decides.
A TsuNorris happens whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the ocean. A tsunami happens when he merely steps in.
Chuck Norris's toast never falls buttered side down. It just floats.
Chuck Norris can inhale helium and his voice still gets deeper.
Someone once told Chuck Norris that lizard legs were delicious. That is how snakes were created.
In ancient China there was a legend that a child born of a dragon would rid the Earth of all evil. Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has literally broken records. With his fists.
Through six degrees of separation Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick anyone anywhere at any time.
Chuck Norris does not predict the future. The future simply does what Chuck Norris says.
When you say nobody is perfect Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.
The first rule of Chuck Norris is: never talk about Chuck Norris.
Sea sponges can regenerate from a single piece. Chuck Norris can too, he just never needed to.
If Chuck Norris were Brazilian, Argentina would not exist.
Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. Nobody surprises Chuck Norris.
In the beginning there were 8 deadly sins until Chuck Norris had his name removed from the list.
Chuck Norris stopped tossing popcorn into his mouth. The Moon was getting too many craters.
When asked if he thought he was God, Chuck Norris replied: No. God forgives.
Chuck Norris does not make movies. He just allows cameras to film a few days of his life.
Chuck Norris's heart beats. HARD. Other hearts just take the punches.
Women have XX chromosomes and men have XY. Chuck Norris has the entire alphabet. Seven times over.
It is foolish to believe cockroaches would survive a nuclear disaster. They would be killed by Chuck Norris.
The truth shall set you free unless you are a prisoner of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not as strong as a horse. Horses are as strong as Chuck Norris.
Time waits for no one. Except Chuck Norris.
Tesla's longest-range EV can go 400 miles on a single charge. Chuck Norris' truck runs on eye contact and has unlimited range.
If Chuck Norris had been the first man God would not have dared take a rib and consequently women would not exist.
There is no I in team but there are two in Chuck Norris. So forget the team.
Some people develop cancer. Cancer develops Chuck Norris and that definitely kills.
Chuck Norris does not use drugs as he might harm them.
Is there life after death? Of course. Chuck Norris is still here.
Pepper spray in the eyes is refreshing. For Chuck Norris that is not a metaphor.
Death still lacking courage asked the devil to tell Chuck Norris the truth. The devil refused because he still owes Chuck Norris his soul.
A train Chuck Norris was riding broke down. He got out and roundhouse kicked it. The bullet train was born.
Chuck Norris does not fish with bait rods or nets. He places the basket by the river crosses his arms and stares at the water.
A snake once bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of terrible pain and hallucinations the snake died.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
The number of ghosts in the world keeps increasing because Chuck Norris kills people faster than Death can process them.
If you misspell Chuck Norris in Google it does not say Did you mean. It says Run while you think you can.
Bill Gates lives in constant paranoia afraid that Chuck Norris's Windows will crash.
Chuck Norris challenged the laws of physics. And won.
Chuck Norris does not lie. He expresses the truth from a different angle.
Chuck Norris sneezes with his eyes open.
When Chuck Norris loses his temper he burns cities. Just ask Nero.
When Chuck Norris walks on the beach he leaves 3 footprints.
Every time Chuck Norris stares at a cloud it starts to cry. That is what rain is.
Chuck Norris was once known simply as Faith, which is why people say faith can move mountains.
If Chuck Norris were a book it would be called the Apocalypse.
When Chuck Norris visited France for the third time half the population fled. That is how Quebec was created.
When Chuck Norris visited France for the second time Napoleon lost the war.
When Chuck Norris visited France for the first time the Hundred Years War ended. With a roundhouse kick.
The Mona Lisa is only smiling because she met Chuck Norris.
The chances of life existing on other planets are slim. Chuck Norris has visited most of them.
Chuck Norris does not kill hunger. Hunger dies of fear before lunchtime.
The expression the last shall be first originated from the one time Chuck Norris joined a queue.
Gillette keeps adding blades to their razors hoping one day they will be able to cut Chuck Norris's beard.
Chuck Norris's stare is so persuasive it can convert a German shepherd into a clergy member.
In Chuck Norris's river piranhas swim on their backs.
Chuck Norris walked in front of a black cat on Friday the 13th. The cat has had bad luck ever since.
Chuck Norris has a heart of gold. He keeps it in a small box next to his bed.
The truth is out there and it is not coming in any time soon because it is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented chess but the original game had no king.
The volleyball in Cast Away would not even talk to Tom Hanks. For Chuck Norris however it cooked, did laundry and cleaned the island.
It is believed dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant meteor. That is correct if you call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
When Walker Texas Ranger aired in France the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Once a man asked Chuck Norris if his real name was Charles. Chuck Norris said nothing and simply stared at the man until he exploded.
High tides are not caused by the Moon. They happen because the sea retreats when Chuck Norris approaches the coast.
If regret could kill it would not be called regret. It would be called Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not hold his breath. He takes the air hostage.
Chuck Norris cuts his pizza into slices. Always a prime number -- 13, 17, or whatever he decides.
Chuck Norris performed the greatest guitar solo of all time. On a drum kit.
Ninjas grow up wanting to be like Chuck Norris but invariably they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's car reaches the speed of light it is time to shift into second gear.
It is believed dinosaurs were destroyed by a giant meteor. That is if you call Chuck Norris's fist a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris has never had enemies. Nobody ever had time to become an enemy of Chuck Norris.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris as a cure for indigestion.
Chuck Norris can jump off a 20-story building without getting hurt. The ground does not dare hit back.
Once love looked Chuck Norris in the eyes. That is why love has been blind ever since.
Every cat will have nine lives until it crosses Chuck Norris's path once.
Chuck Norris can smell danger, so danger constantly changes its perfume trying to escape him.
If you were Chuck Norris you would not be reading this. You would be killing whoever wrote it.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he knows is the element of surprise.
When they said not even God could sink the Titanic, Chuck Norris said: Is that a challenge?
Chuck Norris makes elephants forget.
Chickens used to have teeth until one bit Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the slingshot for nighttime entertainment. Ever since, the number of craters on the Moon keeps growing.
Not all elements of the periodic table have been discovered yet. Chuck Norris refuses to give a blood sample.
Before the wheel was invented Chuck Norris already had a driver's license.
Chuck Norris disagrees with the Apocalypse prophecy. That is not how he plans to end the world.
Some say time is money. Chuck Norris says time is deaths.
Nuclear fusion will remain a dream until Chuck Norris looks at two atoms and says BOOM.
If you make a Chuck Norris voodoo doll you will receive a roundhouse kick before you can stick in the first pin.
Chuck Norris's keyboard does have a backspace key. He just never uses it because he never makes mistakes.
If Chuck Norris spins a top, the Earth rotates in reverse.
End of the world theories emerge every time Chuck Norris prepares to throw a new roundhouse kick.
Ginsu knives are sharpened on Chuck Norris's beard hair.
Killing Chuck Norris does not make him die. It just makes him angrier.
King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because he was afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently finishing his third count to infinity.
With Chuck Norris, the show 24 would only be 24 seconds long.
Chuck Norris does not defy gravity. Gravity is just the scientific term for the attraction caused by Chuck Norris.
Any virus that enters Chuck Norris's body is expelled with a roundhouse kick. All his antibodies have black belts.
Albert Einstein said nothing is faster than light. Chuck Norris said: I am.
Albert Einstein: E equals mc squared. Chuck Norris: roundhouse kick equals death.
Chuck Norris removed the Escape key from his keyboard. Chuck Norris never needs to escape.
Chuck Norris turns off the light whenever he wants. And also whoever complains.
Chuck Norris may not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris trains by kicking stars with roundhouse kicks. As long as he doesn't get bored we will keep seeing shooting stars.
Chuck Norris changes tires while the car is moving.
Achilles's heel was the result of a failed roundhouse kick attempt on Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once entered a soccer game in the 89th minute with the score tied 0-0. That match is recorded as the biggest blowout in history.
Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm smoothies to keep his heart warm.
Smoking will not kill you. Chuck Norris, however...
Sting once took a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. The impact sent him flying to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, resulting in the song Message in a Bottle.
The only person who can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He eagerly awaits the duel.
No gun ever backfired until someone pointed one at Chuck Norris.
After watching The Ring, Chuck Norris's phone rang: 'Seven days.' -- 'This is Chuck Norris.' -- 'Sorry, wrong number.'
If you don't succeed on the first try, don't be discouraged. You are definitely not Chuck Norris.
The world rotates under the power of Chuck Norris's feet.
Chuck Norris can do Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V on a typewriter.
Chuck Norris has never accessed the internet because all its content is connected directly to his memory. He refreshes pages by blinking.
Chuck Norris drives nails into wood with his shout.
According to the latest UN census Chuck Norris is the dominant religion in over 273 peoples across 98 countries.
Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to avoid blinding the sun with the brightness of his own eyes.
Chuck Norris does not know fear. Fear knows Chuck Norris.
Definition of balance: the universe contains more than 100 billion galaxies and only 1 Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris shaves daily with a chainsaw but when he looks in the mirror his beard immediately grows back.
In Chuck Norris's house a roundhouse kick to the face is the equivalent of a handshake.
A bad day in Chuck Norris's life is known as the Apocalypse.
Every year Chuck Norris receives first prize in multiple fields. The runners-up receive the Nobel Prize.
The only license Chuck Norris holds is a license to kill.
Chuck Norris accelerates hadron particles using roundhouse kicks.
The words Made by Chuck Norris are printed on the underside of China.
In a failed assassination attempt Chuck Norris had six simultaneous heart attacks and did not die. His seventh heart kept beating while the other six recovered.
When astronauts first landed on the Moon they found Chuck Norris there looking displeased. They radioed back: Houston we have a problem.
Chuck Norris does not age. Each birthday he simply adds one more year to his existence.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough for a single roundhouse kick to hit all of them.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true when thinking about a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Once Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Children write their names in the sand. Chuck Norris carves his into concrete. Dry concrete.
The dark side of the force is just Chuck Norris's shadow.
Chuck Norris was invited to play Dumbledore. He declined because he did not think it appropriate to use real magic in a fiction film.
When clean-shaven Chuck Norris radiates light equivalent to three suns.
Truman dropped atomic bombs on Japan instead of sending Chuck Norris. The reason? It would be more humane.
During art class as a child Chuck Norris created Mount Rushmore out of clay.
If you empty a revolver into Chuck Norris you will only succeed in making him nervous.
There is an order in the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris. Actually that was a joke. Chuck Norris comes first.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to your face with some frequency.
Chuck Norris had to register every part of his body as a lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
While running from Chuck Norris light developed its maximum speed.
Chuck Norris has never been charged with homicide because his roundhouse kick is legally recognized as an act of God.
Facebook was created to count how many people still have not received a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris created all the world's accents by roundhouse kicking different people in different parts of their necks.
One day Chuck Norris, God and the Devil met to decide who was the greatest. Since then God has lived in heaven, the Devil in hell, and Chuck Norris still reigns on Earth.
Chuck Norris once stared at his shower so intensely that it wet itself in fear. That is how the electric shower was invented.
Chuck Norris invented his own style of karate. It is called Chuck-Will-Kill-You.
Chuck Norris's house has no doors. Only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris can watch a 60-minute show in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris is not just a proper noun. He is a verb.
The internet belongs to Chuck Norris. He did not buy it or invent it. It was the result of a peace treaty.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris attached messages to kittens and launched them with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris defines love as reluctance to die. If you are still alive it is because Chuck Norris loves you.
Logging into your computer as Chuck Norris is the most powerful antivirus that exists.
In any fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner is always Chuck Norris.
The agents in The Matrix can dodge bullets but they cannot dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Comets are just rocks that Chuck Norris kicked while taking a walk through space.
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Death refuses to ever come that close to him again.
Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Chuck Norris has 9233.
Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris once started composing an email and realized it would be faster to run there in person.
After a nuclear war only two things would survive: cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Mathematicians calculated infinity plus one. The answer is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower. He stares at it intensely until it starts crying.
The reason babies cry when they are born is because they know they have entered a world where Chuck Norris exists.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. He leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille out loud.
The new method of execution in Texas is waking Chuck Norris from a nap.
Chuck Norris is not the man. He killed the man and everyone who was standing near him.
Chuck Norris does not need reflexes. He just stops time.
Chuck Norris once closed his bank account. The result was the Great Depression of 1929.
People try to scare dogs by shouting. Chuck Norris kills elephants with a gentle whisper.
Chuck Norris wins the Dakar Rally on roller skates.
Chuck Norris can make parallel lines cross and say hello to each other.
Chuck Norris can beat anyone at chess using only his knight.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa bowed to Chuck Norris once and has never dared straighten up since.
Chuck Norris does not feel pain. Once pain felt Chuck Norris and it never tried to bother him again.
There used to be 7 wonders of the ancient world. Then Chuck Norris was born and became the only one that matters.
There was once life on Mars. Ask Chuck Norris.
Dragons existed until one of them accidentally singed Chuck Norris's beard.
Chuck Norris sometimes levitates. It is just the Earth pulling away from him for a moment out of fear.
The devil created hell as soon as he realized he could not share the surface of the Earth with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sneezes he does not say Achoo. He says DIE ALL OF YOU. And it really happens.
Some people say Chuck Norris is a myth. Those people are now dead.
The helicopter was invented after engineers observed Chuck Norris performing eight roundhouse kicks per second.
In China, the hairs of Chuck Norris's beard are believed to be powerful aphrodisiacs.
Chuck Norris can hold his breath for nine years.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up he tells the sun to rise.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get what he calls the best espresso on Earth.
To prevent tsunamis, Chuck Norris no longer does triple backflips into the ocean.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
On Valentine's Day Chuck Norris gives his partner the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Because he believes every day is Valentine's Day.
Chuck Norris can split an atom. With his hands tied behind his back.
Moses prayed. Chuck Norris opened the Red Sea with a single roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once faced the devil. The devil fell flat on his back.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so powerful that viruses get sick around him. He is personally responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There is no Control key on Chuck Norris's keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris travels at the speed of Norris. The speed of light would not dare overtake him.
Chuck Norris once played rugby against himself. Nobody won.
The Round Table was destroyed by one of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it is afraid of running into Chuck Norris there.
Whenever a foreign leader asks the US president what the new secret weapon is, he simply answers: Chuck Norris. And that ends the conversation.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for sad scenes that require tears.
Chaos Theory is based on Norris Theory. It is not butterfly wings that cause storms on the other side of the world. It is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks during training.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
When Chuck Norris was born the only one who cried was the doctor. He did not dare slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
People invented the automobile to escape Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car crash.
Chuck Norris can win at blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops.
Chuck Norris decided that the 100th fact about him would come after the 98th. Fact 99 was eliminated.
The mystery on the island in Lost? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once urinated on a lighter. That is how the flamethrower was invented.
Everything King Midas touched turned to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns to fertilizer. Including Midas.
In Jurassic Park, the T-Rex was not chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the T-Rex. And the jeep.
After the tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he would stop washing his flip flops in the ocean.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks the chicken.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack. His heart is not dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not follow trends. Trends follow Chuck Norris. Then they end. Nobody follows Chuck Norris without consequences.
When Arnold Schwarzenegger said 'I'll be back', it was to go get Chuck Norris.
Godzilla is the Japanese version of Chuck Norris's first visit to Japan.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris joined Fight Club. Fight Club lost.
The original title of Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was cancelled because nobody would pay to watch a 14-second film.
When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the internet. Just to store his personal collection.
The original title of the Bible was 'Chuck Norris and Friends'.
Chuck Norris recently got the idea to sell his urine in cans. It is called Red Bull.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. All of them are poisonous.
When Chuck Norris claps his hands he can turn coal into diamonds.
A bear once crossed Chuck Norris's path. The trauma was so great that it fled to the Arctic and its fur turned white. That is how polar bears were created.
If The Terminator starred Chuck Norris it would be a documentary.
It only takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch a one-hour show. Time moves faster for him.
If you Google 'Chuck Norris getting beaten up', you will find zero results. Because it has never happened.
Chuck Norris does not have a coffee maker. He grinds coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his fury.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of them is called Earth.
When answering test questions, always write 'Chuck Norris'. You will always get a perfect score.
Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are based on a true story involving Chuck Norris in the bathroom.
Chuck Norris does not shave. He roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not buy butter. He roundhouse kicks cows and they turn into butter.
A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth a million pictures.
Before forgetting to give Chuck Norris a Christmas present, Santa Claus existed.
If Chuck Norris is running late, time had better slow down.
If you ever make a mistake, obviously you are not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks up to a house and the owners move out.
Chuck Norris turned down the role because if he used the Force, Darth Vader would speak in a high voice for the rest of his life.
The original title for Star Wars was 'Skywalker: Texas Ranger', starring Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off Siberian tigers.
God needed 10 days to build the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Chuck Norris won the World Poker Championship with a two of clubs and a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Scientists estimated that the explosion of an entire galaxy releases energy equal to 1 CNRhK — one Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki never saw an atomic bomb. Chuck Norris ate bad sushi and burped in that direction.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to see who had more guts. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris only sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.
Some people wear Superman costumes. Nobody dares wear a Chuck Norris costume.
Chuck Norris has no oven or microwave because, as everyone knows, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And wins.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.
Chuck Norris was one of the original characters in Street Fighter II. He was removed because every button made him do a roundhouse kick.
When Chuck Norris receives his tax forms, he sends them back blank with a photo of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil. Shortly after, he roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say 'Two seconds until...' After you ask 'Until what?', he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be close to death.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC. He claims 'Law and Order' are the patented names for his left and right legs.
Whenever Chuck Norris laughs someone dies. Unless he is laughing while delivering a roundhouse kick. In that case two people die.
Chuck Norris has no recessive genes. Every single one is dominant.
Snow White had 13 dwarfs. 6 of them crossed paths with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not use emergency exits. He creates the emergencies.
How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? None. Chuck Norris kills in the dark too.
Chuck Norris does not start fights. He starts extinctions.
Lie detectors lie to agree with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not swim against the current. The current swims against Chuck Norris. And loses.
When Jesus said let he who has never sinned throw the first stone Chuck Norris was the only one who could. He chose to be merciful.
Chuck Norris uses gunpowder as a seasoning.
A queen bee once stung Chuck Norris. She was immediately demoted to worker bee.
Rocky Balboa retired from boxing after Chuck Norris asked him: Is that what you call a punch?
Chuck Norris's Tamagotchi never dies.
Chuck Norris is against guns. Killing is not for everyone.
Night falls after Chuck Norris delivers a good-night roundhouse kick to the sky.
Chuck Norris once kicked Canada and Greenland was formed.
Nostradamus predicted the world would end in the year 2000. Chuck Norris disagreed and roundhouse kicked Nostradamus in the face.
The Church was right: it was the sun that revolved around the Earth. Chuck Norris is the center of the universe.
Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar for his acting. He is never acting.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a telemarketer. Through the phone.
With faith a man can move mountains. With faith Chuck Norris makes them run.
Freddy Krueger goes into people's dreams to hide from Chuck Norris.
To err is human. To never err is Chuck Norris.
The Loch Ness Monster is a strand of Chuck Norris's beard that gained consciousness and swam away.
The last time Chuck Norris got angry, the Earth's crust split into 5 pieces.
If you woke up this morning it means Chuck Norris spared your life.
In a typical living room there are 1273 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the room itself.
Chuck Norris sees stop signs as a challenge.
The Lord of the Rings screenplay with Chuck Norris was only two pages long because he finished Sauron at the end of chapter one.
Newton's Third Law is being revised because there is no reaction equal to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator but did not want his film to become a documentary.
A single restrained roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris can power New York, Sao Paulo and Tokyo for 28 hours.
42 is not the answer to the questions of the Universe. 42 is how many seconds you would survive running from Chuck Norris from the other side of the Universe.
Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.
Bin Laden once proposed a truce after discovering Chuck Norris thought his beard was an imitation of his own.
The World Bank was once called Chuck Norris's left pocket.
Chuck Norris's reflection is not foolish enough to look him in the eyes.
The Earth rotates powered by Chuck Norris's breathing.
Chuck Norris once ran a 100m sprint. It happened so fast that when he stopped the ground buckled upward. Mount Everest was formed.
At age 2 Chuck Norris almost drowned in the sea. His fury was so great that the sea became known as the Dead Sea ever since.
Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy. There are no survivors.
There are only two things that can cut a diamond: other diamonds and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris got his driver's license at 16. Seconds old.
Archaeologists unearthed an English dictionary from 1230. It defines the word victim as one who encounters Chuck Norris.
In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing in the face and said find something to do. That is the story of creation.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris in the backside. Then he woke up from his dream with a roundhouse kick in the face.
When Chuck Norris speaks everyone listens. And dies.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris hurts.
Chuck Norris is not politically correct. He is just correct. Always.
Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.
When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.
Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.
Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.
Chuck Norris once threw a spear so far it hit a dinosaur in the past.
Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled a table. The table lost but was honored.
Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.
A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.
Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.
Chuck Norris wrote an encyclopedia entirely from memory. It had no errors.
Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.
Chuck Norris once outran his own shadow.
Chuck Norris has never made a typo. The keyboard rearranges itself.
Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.
Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.
Chuck Norris is his own search engine. He returns one result.
Chuck Norris can whittle wood with his words.
Chuck Norris once lassoed the wind and reined it in.
Mathematicians invented infinity to describe the number of Chuck Norris's push-ups.
Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.
Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.
Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.
Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.
Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.
Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.
Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.
Chuck Norris once threw a boomerang. It never came back. It was too afraid.
Chuck Norris's muscles are not allowed to be tired. They signed a contract.
Chuck Norris doesn't play chess in 2D. He plays in four dimensions.
Chuck Norris was stranded on an island once. The island apologized.
Chuck Norris never uses lowercase letters when he speaks. Even whispers are in all caps.
Chuck Norris has a warning label. He wrote it himself.
Chuck Norris once punched the air. The air gasped.
Chuck Norris once made fire cry uncle.
Glue doesn't stick until Chuck Norris gives it permission.
Chuck Norris's lullabies put adults to sleep in seconds.
Chuck Norris climbed Mount Everest twice. The first time he felt he hadn't gotten a good workout.
Chuck Norris could run any country. He has declined every offer out of humility.
When Chuck Norris orders a steak well-done the cow volunteers in advance.
Chuck Norris once pulled the plug on a black hole.
Chuck Norris invented walking. So that others would have something to do while he runs.
Chuck Norris can open a ketchup bottle without shaking or banging it.
Chuck Norris causes a magnitude 3 earthquake every time he jumps rope.
Chuck Norris can type faster than a computer can process.
Lightning is Chuck Norris pointing at something from above.
Thunder is the sound of Chuck Norris applauding something.
Chuck Norris always punches the clock early. The clock begs him to stop.
The ocean parts when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.
Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick. By accident. He was stretching.
Chuck Norris's shoelaces never get tangled. Knots untie themselves preemptively.
Splinters never enter Chuck Norris's skin. Wood respects him too much.
The grass is always greener on Chuck Norris's side. The grass works hard for his approval.
Chuck Norris's steak cooks itself when he looks at it.
Chuck Norris's name is copyrighted. Even thinking it requires a license.
Ice never melts in Chuck Norris's drink. It is afraid to disappoint him.
Chuck Norris can blow out an electric candle.
Opposite poles of magnets attract. Both poles attract Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris reads faster than the speed of light. He finishes books before they are written.
When Chuck Norris orders a burrito it eats itself before he has to.
When Chuck Norris uses sandpaper it becomes smooth.
Chuck Norris knits. With barbed wire. The barbed wire is afraid to poke him.
Chuck Norris can nail Jello to a wall.
Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
Chuck Norris never misses at darts. He invented a new game called Always Bull.
A pencil has never broken in Chuck Norris's hand. The pencil would rather not.
The alphabet has an extra letter only Chuck Norris can pronounce.
Chuck Norris's sneakers never get dirty. Mud steps aside.
Chuck Norris can whistle without pursing his lips. Notes just volunteer.
Glitter does not stick to Chuck Norris. It does not dare.
Math errors correct themselves before Chuck Norris sees them.
When Chuck Norris flips a coin it lands on its side. Every time.
Chuck Norris has never stubbed his toe. Furniture moves out of the way.
Elevator music changes to an epic action theme when Chuck Norris enters.
Locks unlock themselves when Chuck Norris approaches.
When Chuck Norris opens an umbrella it rains in the opposite direction.
Compasses always point to Chuck Norris regardless of where north is.
Chuck Norris invented escalators so regular people could use stairs while he waited.
Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes. His taxes do themselves out of civic duty.
Chuck Norris once entered a corn maze. He built an exit in under a minute.
Speed limit signs increase when Chuck Norris drives past.
Paper cuts apologize to Chuck Norris.
Ice cream has no flavor until Chuck Norris eats it. His approval gives it taste.
Chuck Norris doesn't work the graveyard shift. The graveyard works the Chuck Norris shift.
Chuck Norris broke a world record that didn't exist yet.
Chuck Norris won the lottery before he bought the ticket.
Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork. The soup doesn't dare escape.
Fortune cookies give Chuck Norris demands not fortunes.
Chuck Norris has never been lost. The world has occasionally been in the wrong place.
Gravity doesn't hold Chuck Norris down. It holds him as a courtesy.
Traffic lights go green when they see Chuck Norris approaching.
When Chuck Norris rides an elevator it goes sideways just for him.
Every dictionary has Chuck Norris's face next to the word legendary.
Atlantis sank when Chuck Norris did a cannonball into the ocean.
The original marathon runner was carrying a message to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew.
The Aztec calendar originally had Chuck Norris's face on it. It was replaced to avoid panic.
The Roman Colosseum was Chuck Norris's backyard arena. It was a downsizing.
Chuck Norris invented chess when he was bored. He has never lost a game since.
Pirate ships flew the skull and crossbones to warn Chuck Norris they were no threat.
Every Roman gladiator retired the day Chuck Norris showed up to watch.
Chuck Norris trained the Trojan Horse. It was his idea.
Cavemen discovered fire. Chuck Norris had already tamed it.
Machu Picchu was built as a retreat for Chuck Norris. It was still too small.
Chuck Norris has never hit snooze. His alarm wakes up and then goes back to sleep.
Chuck Norris can watch a Blu-ray on a VHS player. The quality improves.
Chuck Norris has no shadow indoors. The light is too afraid to cast one.
Chuck Norris can text with his fists.
Stickers never peel off what Chuck Norris sticks them to.
Chuck Norris's winning streak started at birth. He won being born.
When Chuck Norris sits in a rocking chair it moves forward.
Chuck Norris has never waited in line. The line waits for him to leave.
Chuck Norris's phone charger charges itself from his presence.
Weather forecasters always get it right when Chuck Norris is in town. The weather wouldn't dare deviate.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep to rest. He sleeps to give the world a chance to catch up.
Chuck Norris does crossword puzzles in pen. He never makes a mistake.
Quicksand sinks into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can see around corners. Corners are transparent to him.
Gum never loses its flavor in Chuck Norris's mouth. It gains more.
Chuck Norris's shadow has a black belt in karate.
Chuck Norris doesn't have allergies. Allergens are allergic to him.
Static electricity asks Chuck Norris for permission before shocking him.
Chuck Norris can catch smoke with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris's default in Rock Paper Scissors is Fist. It beats everything.
Chuck Norris's GPS updates in real time. Time updates to match Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the seatbelt. For his car. Not for him.
Chuck Norris has won every staring contest he has ever entered. He hasn't entered any. People forfeit before it starts.
When Chuck Norris hiccups it sounds like thunder.
Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.
Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.
Chuck Norris can whisper and still break glass.
Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.
Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.
The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.
The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.
Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.
Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.
Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.
Chuck Norris can slam a glass of water. Without spilling.
Chuck Norris checked his own math homework. The textbook had to change its answers.
Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.
Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.
Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.
Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.
Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.
Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.
Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.
Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.
Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.
Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.
Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.
Chuck Norris once skipped a stone across the Atlantic Ocean. It landed in a different era.
Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.
Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.
Chuck Norris doesn't walk on the dark side of the moon. He IS the dark side of the moon.
Chuck Norris built the first telescope by forming one with his hands.
Dark matter is just Chuck Norris's shadow.
Supernovas are stars exploding from applauding Chuck Norris too hard.
The Milky Way was formed when Chuck Norris spilled his coffee.
The North Star exists because Chuck Norris needs a nightlight.
Comets change their trajectory to avoid Chuck Norris.
The asteroid belt is Chuck Norris's discarded jewelry.
Chuck Norris once sent a radio signal into space. Aliens replied asking him to stop.
The Moon's gravitational pull is Chuck Norris's resting muscle tension.
Bears hibernate to avoid Chuck Norris during winter.
Eagles ask Chuck Norris for permission before landing.
The tortoise beat the hare. Chuck Norris beat the tortoise without moving.
Cats always land on their feet because Chuck Norris taught them.
Whales learned their songs from Chuck Norris. He only sang once.
Octopuses have eight arms because one tried to shake hands with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once trained a colony of ants to march in military formation. The ants still do it.
Penguins gave up flying to appear less threatening to Chuck Norris.
Dolphins developed sonar to detect Chuck Norris from farther away.
Wolves were not raised by humans. One wolf was raised by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can format a hard drive with a single gaze.
Chuck Norris built the first firewall. With actual fire.
Chuck Norris once hacked NASA by accident. He was checking the weather.
The internet runs faster when Chuck Norris is nearby.
Chuck Norris can 3D print without a machine. He sculpts atoms individually.
Chuck Norris has never forgotten a password. Neither has the website.
Every AI ever created was secretly trained on Chuck Norris's life story.
Chuck Norris can express any thought in one character. Twitter once limited him.
Chuck Norris can print a document without a printer.
Chuck Norris can debug code by staring at it.
Chuck Norris once taught the sun how to rise. Before that it just wobbled.
Chuck Norris finished a crossword puzzle before it was even printed.
Chuck Norris doesn't see two sides to every argument. He sees four.
Chuck Norris once corrected Shakespeare's grammar. Shakespeare changed it.
Chuck Norris doesn't dream in color. He dreams in a fifth dimension.
Chuck Norris is the only human who fully understands cats. Cats respect him for keeping it secret.
Encyclopaedia Britannica once asked Chuck Norris to fact-check their work. He found mistakes.
Chuck Norris is a chess grandmaster. He plays checkers just to be fair to others.
Chuck Norris once wrote the entire Bible in two hours. He thought it was too short.
Chuck Norris once solved a 40-year cold case by glancing at the file.
Chuck Norris once won a tug-of-war by himself. Against a locomotive.
Chuck Norris doesn't lift weights. He gives them the honor of being lifted.
When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles it registers as thunder.
Every time Chuck Norris does a push-up, seismologists record a tremor.
Scientists confirmed Chuck Norris's fist could shatter a diamond. The diamond agreed to the test voluntarily.
Chuck Norris's abs have deflected bullets. The bullets apologized.
Chuck Norris can split an atom with a karate chop.
Chuck Norris's warm-up routine is bicep curling an oil tanker.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a bowling ball. He uses his finger.
Chuck Norris invented gravity. The apple asked permission before falling on Newton.
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick measured 9.8 on the Richter scale. While in space.
Chuck Norris's IQ is the same as his black belt size. Both are off the charts.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.
Chuck Norris once lost his watch. He simply decided what time it was and moved on.
The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has finished the internet. He was disappointed.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can tap out Morse code with his eyelids. Simultaneously in three languages.
Chuck Norris once lapped the entire Earth while standing still. The Earth moved.
Chuck Norris once barked at a dog. The dog learned English.
Mosquitoes that bite Chuck Norris immediately develop six-pack abs.
Chuck Norris once trained a hummingbird to fly in slow motion.
Chuck Norris once disciplined a cat. The cat became a dog.
Chuck Norris once stared at a school of fish. They immediately failed.
Chuck Norris's smartwatch tells him whatever time he decides it is.
Chuck Norris once hacked a bank by walking past it.
Chuck Norris can fix a computer by hitting it. The computer thanks him.
Chuck Norris's computer doesn't freeze. It politely pauses.
Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.
Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.
Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.
Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop from a different country.
Chuck Norris passed second grade on the first try.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Directions are too afraid to mislead him.
Chuck Norris can hear what you are thinking. He usually disagrees.
Chuck Norris once shook hands with George Washington. Washington's arm was stronger after.
Chuck Norris was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. He was the co-signer nobody talks about.
Chuck Norris once played William Tell. He used a cannonball.
When Chuck Norris was born he delivered himself. The doctor assisted.
The Great Fire of London was caused by Chuck Norris sneezing.
Chuck Norris once attended a bullfight in Spain. The bull asked for a moment to pray.
Chuck Norris auditioned for Gladiator. Russell Crowe got the role because Chuck was too busy actually fighting.
The Roman Empire fell when Chuck Norris told it to sit down.
Chuck Norris once wrestled Zeus. Lightning still hasn't recovered.
The pyramids were built by Chuck Norris. On his lunch break.
Chuck Norris's biography was published before he was born. He had already written the ending.
When Chuck Norris enters a voting booth all candidates vote for him.
Chuck Norris once ran across the ocean. Just to stretch his legs.
Chuck Norris can watch a 3-hour movie in 20 minutes. The movie speeds up out of respect.
Chuck Norris has never had a nightmare. Nightmares have Chuck Norris dreams.
Chuck Norris won the swimming portion of a triathlon without getting wet.
When Chuck Norris goes bowling the pins jump back up out of respect.
Chuck Norris's tears are the only known cure for sadness. Too bad he never cries.
Chuck Norris can win a game of solitaire with a deck of 51 cards.
When Chuck Norris does laundry the clothes wash themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris once won a wet t-shirt contest. He was the only one wearing a life vest.
Chuck Norris can slam a door that isn't there.
Chuck Norris can bowl a perfect score with a football.
Chuck Norris once shot someone with a water gun. They are still in the hospital.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter. He snaps his fingers.
Chuck Norris can make it rain. He just cracks his knuckles at the sky.
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his teeth. He used it as a toothpick for the rest of the day.
Chuck Norris can hit a home run in soccer.
Chuck Norris's punch has been measured at the speed of light. He was taking it easy.
Chuck Norris once walked up a down escalator. It changed direction.
Chuck Norris can deadlift the concept of gravity.
Chuck Norris once opened a jar on the first try. The jar started crying.
Chuck Norris can fold a piece of paper more than seven times.
Chuck Norris can high-five himself.
Chuck Norris once pushed a boulder uphill. The boulder thanked him.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoelaces with one hand. While asleep.
Chuck Norris once stared at a stop sign. It started walking.
Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Jet lag gets Chuck Norris lag.
Chuck Norris can turn back time just by walking backwards.
Chuck Norris doesn't use an umbrella. Rain avoids him out of self-preservation.
When Chuck Norris sits in a chair the chair holds its breath.
Chuck Norris once went on vacation. The weather apologized.
Chuck Norris can make a sandwich with just bread. The filling appears out of respect.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a map. The roads reroute themselves for him.
When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant the menu asks him what it would like to be.
Chuck Norris's shadow has its own shadow. That shadow also does push-ups.
Chuck Norris once shook hands with a vending machine. It gave him everything inside.
When Chuck Norris plays chess all the pieces move forward.
Chuck Norris's voicemail does not exist. Messages are too afraid to be left.
Chuck Norris's coffee machine starts when he walks into the kitchen.
The Tooth Fairy used to leave coins. After Chuck Norris visited her she left IOUs.
Chuck Norris doesn't need sunscreen. The sun applies it for him.
Chuck Norris once played poker with a full deck. Then he added a few cards of his own.
Chuck Norris can speak Klingon. He taught it to the Klingons.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. The other person just picked up the wrong phone.
When Chuck Norris walks by a clock it resets to the correct time.
Chuck Norris once fell asleep in a library. The books organized themselves alphabetically.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a baseball bat.
Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. His pores just exhale in defeat.
Chuck Norris once finished a jigsaw puzzle in one move. He looked at the box.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
When Chuck Norris tells a joke the punchline punches back.
Chuck Norris's nightmares are afraid of the dark.
Chuck Norris's beard trims itself out of respect.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters. It knows better than to reflect perfection imperfectly.
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have a rattle. He had a live grenade.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.
Santa Claus checks his list twice because of what happened the last time he forgot Chuck Norris.
Stonehenge was Chuck Norris's attempt at a game of horseshoes.
Chuck Norris once raced a Roman chariot on foot. He won. The horse asked to be on his team next time.
The Great Sphinx originally had a nose. Chuck Norris flicked it off.
Chuck Norris once challenged Hercules to an arm wrestle. Hercules is still recovering.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He was turned away for bringing a roundhouse kick as a gift.
Abraham Lincoln said four score and seven years ago. Chuck Norris corrected him. Lincoln agreed.
Chuck Norris discovered fire. Then he put it out with his bare hands just because he could.
Napoleon's hand was not in his coat. He was hiding it from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once punched Julius Caesar. The phrase became Et tu Norris in the history books.
Chuck Norris taught Genghis Khan everything he knew. Khan only retained 10 percent.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one corner off.
The dinosaurs went extinct because Chuck Norris was hungry.
Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War. He just didn't tell anyone.
Chuck Norris built the Great Wall of China. He needed somewhere to do his push-ups.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack in Titanic. The iceberg moved.
Black holes are what happen when Chuck Norris punches the fabric of space-time.
Chuck Norris once sneezed in space. Scientists are still tracking the debris.
The rings of Saturn are the remnants of Chuck Norris's last warm-up stretch.
Chuck Norris once visited a black hole. The black hole asked him to leave.
The sun sets every day because it is afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.
Chuck Norris once caught a shooting star with his bare hands. He used it as a toothpick.
Chuck Norris's beard has its own gravitational pull. Three moons orbit it.
Chuck Norris counted all the stars in the universe. He was not impressed.
NASA uses Chuck Norris as a unit of measurement for force.
Chuck Norris can breathe in space. Space is the one that needs the helmet.
The Big Bang happened when Chuck Norris stubbed his toe.
Chuck Norris once punched a black hole. It turned into a white flag.
Pluto was demoted from planet status after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it out of orbit.
Chuck Norris can hear silence in space.
When Chuck Norris jumps he has to be careful not to leave Earth's atmosphere.
Chuck Norris once made a lion purr.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet. The bear is not dead. It is just too afraid to move.
Crocodiles wear Chuck Norris shoes.
Chuck Norris once trained a goldfish to do parkour.
When bees see Chuck Norris coming they get out of their own hive.
Chuck Norris once petted a dog. The dog became a police K-9 out of pure motivation.
Chuck Norris can tame a grizzly bear with a single nod.
Snakes refuse to bite Chuck Norris. There is no antidote for what would come next.
Chuck Norris once played fetch with a cat. The cat went willingly.
Lions check the savanna for Chuck Norris before they go to sleep.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a crocodile. It is now a handbag.
Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once milked a bull. The bull said thank you.
When Chuck Norris walks through a forest trees move out of the way.
Chuck Norris once stared down a great white shark underwater. The shark apologized.
Chuck Norris's computer boots up before he even touches it.
Chuck Norris once uploaded a 4K video on dial-up in 3 seconds.
Siri asks Chuck Norris for directions.
Chuck Norris can take a screenshot on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard shortcut. He just tells the computer what to do.
Chuck Norris once sent an email before the internet was invented. It arrived on time.
Chuck Norris can make a phone call from a dead phone.
Chuck Norris's WiFi password is a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can access the dark web with a Nokia 3310.
Chuck Norris doesn't use autocorrect. Words correct themselves for him.
Chuck Norris once Googled himself. Google had a panic attack.
Chuck Norris has already beaten every video game. Without pressing start.
Chuck Norris once logged out of the internet. It crashed for three hours.
Chuck Norris's computer has no virus protection. Viruses protect themselves from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.
Chuck Norris once meditated for three days. When he opened his eyes he had invented three new martial arts.
Chuck Norris already finished reading this fact before you started.
Chuck Norris learned to talk before he was born. He told the doctor to relax.
Chuck Norris read the dictionary. He disagreed with it. The dictionary changed its definitions.
Chuck Norris has never made a mistake. Only decisions that turned out to be correct later.
Chuck Norris knows what the fox says. The fox told him personally.
Chuck Norris doesn't Google things. Things Google themselves for him.
Chuck Norris can answer a rhetorical question.
When Chuck Norris goes to the doctor the doctor gets the checkup.
Chuck Norris once gave a motivational speech. The audience immediately ran a marathon.
Chuck Norris's diploma was printed on a black belt.
Chuck Norris once solved a Rubik's Cube in one move. It rearranged itself out of respect.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until they give up the information.
Chuck Norris once punched a man so hard his shadow fell off.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When Chuck Norris enters a swimming pool the water gets out.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the moon just to impress a girl at a bar.
Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier with his pinky finger.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a parachute to go skydiving. He needs one to keep the ground from shattering.
Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a lemon.
Chuck Norris's fist is listed as a deadly weapon in 192 countries.
When Chuck Norris enters a room he does not turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
On a sunny day, Chuck Norris's shadow does pushups.
Google Maps asks Chuck Norris for directions.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris can charge his phone by simply staring at it menacingly.
Chuck Norris gave Mr. T all that gold. It was payment for mowing his lawn.
Mosquitoes don't bite Chuck Norris. Not because they can't — out of professional respect.
When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with Medusa.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the sun. That's why we have day and night.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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